Broadside Girl

Broadside Girl (or The Happy Hooker)

Come all you bonny working girls, wherever you may be,
That walks the side streets up and down from Poole to Wallasey.
I can tell you tales to make you blush; they’d almost make you cringe,
But I don’t mind, I’m proud, you see, to offer men my minge.

I’ve served me time as a checkout girl and how I hate those jobs
An’ I can tell you here and now, I’d rather suck on knobs.
The bosses treated us like shit and paid us less than fair;
No, I’ll earn my whack with my bouncing tits and shaven pubic hair.

The other trades I could have learnt they would nay pleasure me;
No, I’m a girl who likes a fuck and a spank across a knee.
I also like to feel the cane – sometimes – but not too hard –
And hand it out as well you see; when client’s that sort of card.

Last night I really earned my pay; the man was quite a hunk
But made go across his knee and swallow all his spunk.
And then he made me tie him up and whip him till he bled
Then suck him off once more until at last we went to bed.

The punter I got the day before just wanted to hold me hand
And talk all night about his wife; she didn’t understand.
Don’t get me wrong. It can be bad; it’s not all cakes and ale;
Imagine me, all tied and gagged, under this beached white whale.

I like it best when they’re young and fit but still don’t mind a gent
Who’s mature and old – so long as he’s not fabulously bent.
The money’s good, the perks are fun, but still I take some knocks.
It’s worth it though because, you see, I just love sucking cocks.

So gents and boys (who make more noise) that want to try your luck
And have the cash to bail me out, you get just one free fuck.
Then if you want to hear me scream or merely lick my teats
Look out for me; my skirts are short. You’ll find me on the streets

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Like all broadside ballads, this one can be SUNG. Here is a setting to a fine traditional tune that is usually (and perhaps almost appropriately, given the subject matter) known as “Tramps and Hawkin’ Lads”. The capital letters below indicate notes (not chords – for you guitarists out there) in the scale of D-major. It works in G too because there are no Fs, sharp or otherwise. The primes (’) indicate notes in the upper octave of the scale. Positioning is under the corresponding syllable of the verse. A dot indicates a note sustained across syllables.

Come all you bonny working girls, wherever you may be,
A B B A G A B G E D E G G G
That walk the side streets up and down from Poole to Wallasey.
B D’ D’ B D’ E’ E’ D’ B A G B A G E.
I’ll tell you tales to make you blush; they’d make you almost cringe,
B D’ D’ B D’ E’ E’ D’ B A G B A G E G
But I don’t mind, I’m proud, you see, to offer men my minge.
A B B A G A B G E D E G G G

If your browser screws up the positioning of the notes (which is quite likely) then cut and paste the above 8 lines into Windows Notepad and everything should be fine. If you cut and paste into a word processor then ensure the text is set in a non-proportional fount (US/font), such as Courier New. (The words are very slightly different – but it won’t matter.)
If you still can’t work out which are the crochets and which are the quavers, there are several recordings of the tune available. One I like (although transposed out of its usual Scottish context) is by Bob Davenport on a record called “The Red Haired Lad”. So, come on, get out that old mouth organ (after putting the other organ away of course) and play with it. Feel free to add your own trills, cuts and grace notes!