The Rose

It was not long ago that we met. In fact it was only two years.
I hated You and wanted nothing to do with You. You were nothing to me but a pain. I did not care to see You on the days that I knew I would. I put out an attitude and hoped that You knew it was for You. And even then You still smiled at me and flirted in that cute little way that You still do.

One night I was lonely and You came in, I was feeling down and needed a friend. I asked You to buy me a rose and that’s just what You did. Never did I know that with that rose came the end of the person I knew to be myself. No longer would I be that lonely, scared person that I was, You would lift me up and make me better.

I had my problems, I could not trust You. I figured we would have our moment of fun and then You would be gone. I didn’t think twice about playing around or settling down. All I wanted was a person to have fun with for a bit. I never would have dreamed that I would fall in love with You.

We dated for a while and then You told me something that would change my life. You told me that You loved me as You were leaving me for the night. I wanted to tell You the same but I just couldn’t. Not without loosing the person that I was and without loosing that wall around my heart. So I smiled and You understood. What it must have been like to say "I love You", and not get it back.

I was once a trusting person and enjoyed life to the fullest. Never did I think I would turn into the person I was then. Instead of turning to You, I had my bottle. And instead of trusting You I trusted the past. What man could honestly love me after what I’d turned into? I had nothing to offer to such a wonderful man like Yourself. You deserved a beauty queen that had a good family and would make all Your dreams come true. How was I to know that I was Your dream?

As the days went on, I could feel the wall start to come down, and I tried so hard to keep it up. And as the weeks went by, You single-handedly got me to quit drinking. I put down the bottle for You even before I told You I loved You. You knew in Your heart that I did but I wanted so badly to tell You, I needed for You to hear it from me. So one night in bed, as You were getting ready to leave, I said I had something to tell You and You turned and listened. When You saw me hesitate You knew what it was and being the kind man that You are told me it was okay that You knew. But I needed to say it before I lost my nerve, so I blurted out “I love You". What a good way to finally hear it, coming from me in bed and having it blurted out.

From that moment on, it seemed as if I was another person. Like I was living the life meant for someone else. I had a man who loved me for me, did not judge me for my faults and even helped me laugh at them instead of letting them run my life. You held me up and did not push me down. You held me close at night and for the first time in my life, I felt safe and protected. How You could do that with just Your arms around me when in 19 years my mother never made me feel safe.

Then on one horrible day, this fantasy came to an end just like I had feared. The day started off normally with You going to work and me staying to do laundry. I can never forget that awful call that shattered our dreams and our future. It tore us apart and it would be more than a year and a half to put the pieces back together. And even then the pieces would not fit together as they once did. For what was once a beautiful love was broken into a thousand pieces when I heard You tell her that You loved her. I was no longer Your dream.

I tried as hard as I could to make us work and forget about what was going on when You would call home late or say You were going out with Your friends. And even when You would come home to me, You reeked of her. You no longer made me feel safe more like when we went to bed it was a struggle for You to even hold me. You no longer looked at me with those beautiful blue eyes more like You just looked at me and half the time looked right through me. You never sang to me but instead we fought and argued. For what was once a love filled home turned to a battle ground.

And even when I hated You, I loved You more, but what I did I can never forget. I lost faith in You and in us; I forgot what had gotten us together in the first place. I had forgotten the love we shared and the vows we made together. All I could think about was my pain and how I felt. Never once did I stop to think, that this might be bothering You as well, never once did I think that You were hurting over this.

I saw You go from a healthy man to one that was always hurting. I rarely heard You laugh, and when You said "I love You" it was a struggle. And it was my own fault. I pushed You away with my words of anger, and only slapped You in the face when I said You didn’t care. All that was important to me was that my heart had been hurt by the one man that I trusted and for that I could not look beyond my own pain.

Then one day came almost a year after it happened, and You told me that You were leaving. That You were going back home to a place that was less stressful. You also told me that You wanted me there with You, and that she would be out of our lives forever. I did not believe You even when I told You I did. I still fed an anger inside of me with all that had happened. I still held it against You the way I had been hurt, but the hurt was cutting deeper because I knew I would never see You again.

On the day that You left, You kissed me good-bye, You held me but for a moment and told me good-bye. I was to join You in two months but what You and I both knew, there were no two months. This was good-bye for good. I cried so hard no matter how much I tried I could not stop. I loved You so much, but I couldn’t see You. You left me alone with empty promises that would never be filled; You left me to my own bed that I had made. I never knew until that moment how much I needed You and how stupid I was.

I dreamed about You night and day, and every day I cried from missing You so much. You left in August and it would take just one week to show me that You were out of my life. You never called or talked, You never came to see me. I believed You in my heart when we did talk but never in my mind. It would only take till Dec for me to see that You were out of my life for good. And that is when the real pain kicked in.

How could I live my life with out You in it? How could I cope and go through the days with out Your smile? After three weeks of not talking to You, I knew it, we were over. I never felt such pain till that moment. I wished that You had never left; I wished that nothing had changed; I wished that You would come back and I wished that I was dead. I loved You so much and that love was never returned.

You left in August and it wouldn’t be until February that we saw each other again. You came down to see her but took me back with You. We spent a week together, a week in each other’s arms. We connected to what we had; we made amends to what had happened. You told me that You still loved me and that You wanted me in Your life forever. I cried.

I had to leave You at the end of the week, had to come back here so we could be together. I had to leave You to be with You, had to hurt before I could love. I had to cry out my sadness and hurt before I could cry out my love and happiness. I had to hurt to be able to love.

We made our plans for moving back in with each other, we spent every night on the computer and phone. And even with all Your promises to me, for some reason I could not believe You. Then one night when You were punishing me for disrespecting Your brother which in turn was disrespecting You and embarrassing You, we crossed the point of no return. How would I know that out of punishment would come such wonderful happy times?

You told me that You loved me, once again You have no problem saying what You mean, but You also told me the one thing that I needed to hear from the time this all started. You told me that You understood You had hurt me, and for that You were sorry. In one night, in one minute and in one moment You changed all there was. You single-handedly tore down that wall around my heart again. You lifted this weight off my back with the simple words, "I'm sorry".

Now it’s over, all the pain and hurt. Now the healing can begin. With You standing tall and I at Your feet, all the pain and hurt will leave. And while we are left with memories both good and bad, we are also left with one important message. Both Love and Time together can heal all wounds, and together forever is what we are meant to be. You are my Master, now and forever, and I will gladly take my place kneeling at Your feet. We have passed the test of life and together we have passed it, together we will be happy.

Isn’t it funny how a simple rose got this all started?

I love You, Master
~Your Angel