10 Easy Steps to Getting Laid

10 Easy Steps To Getting Laid, or How To Get Someone To Sleep With You

Have you ever wondered just how you can get someone to sleep with you? You know the hot guy or girl that everyone wants but you have just never been able to get with. There are a lot of magazine articles and how-to books out there, but most of them are total bullshit. The person you desire just does not desire you! Do you wonder why? Maybe it was how you presented yourself that turned them off. You are correct. Here are ten things you can do to prevent that from happening next time. This simple advice is short, to the point and is easy to follow.

1. Show your wealth -- sounds corny, right? Sometimes the tried and true method is the one that works. Take the object of your desire out on a date. Old fashioned yes, effective yes and not hard to do. There are many nice places to take them and begin to show your affection. However, they could say no or you could meet up with them when you are already out and about. If this is the case, sit with them, buy them the drink of their choice and eat your meal with them as they eat theirs. Don't worry about being offensive, they will like your confidant attitude.

2. Get them drunk - this is a continuation on from step one. As the night goes on, they get drunker and you get better looking. It becomes easier to talk to one another and inhibitions fly right out the window. However, if this is not working you can always move directly to step three. Please remember step three is a last resort.

3. Roofie -- if you can't get the object of desire drunk, then slip them a roofie. This will help make them relax and then you can have your way with them.

4. Lie about something -- yes, lie about yourself, your car, your house and your job. You know everyone does it. Make yourself sound wonderful, but do not exaggerate too much. Make it believable. Remember if it sounds too good to be true, then it is. Tell them how successful you are and the things you are working toward achieving. Tell them your future plans, even if they are false and you just made it all up right on the spot!

5. Promise them the world - tell them how much you are looking for someone to share your future, but just can't find someone with the same values. Yep, feed them full of bullshit, because in the end, you just want to fuck them.

6. Fondle them -- the odd touch of the hand here, brush against their thigh ... did they move away? If they didn't, keep on touching them, increasing the frequency of your touch. If they did move away, keep touching them anyway, but innocently and less often, slowly increasing the pace until they move towards you. When they begin to fondle you in return, move to step seven.

7. Talk dirty -- move close, whisper in their ear, ask them to dance or go for a walk in the park. If they say no, then buy more booze and keep fondling them. If they say yes, get close. Keep whispering in their ear, telling them what you want to do with them. Each whisper should ignite the passion of the other person.

8. Seduce them -- when they begin to respond to your dirty talk, pull them close and kiss them. Tell them you just can't help it, they are so hot you just had to do it. Make out until you can't stand it anymore then ask them if they want to be alone with you, you know by this point, they are drunk and want to be with you.

9. Find an excuse to undress -- Somehow, you found a quiet spot and your clothing fell off. Both of you are naked, horny and drunk. The only thing left is sex and I don't think you need help with that part. You have been successful; you got someone you wanted to sleep with you. If these steps do not work, move directly to step ten.

10. Pay them ... a lot -- if the person you want to sleep with you says no, shoots you down and possibly even embarrasses you, resort to this step. Lie and say you fucked them; they were bad in bed and then go find a hooker. Get laid and have fun!

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Please, if you have read this and want to have sex, do not follow this advice, unless you plan on a life of celibacy. This essay is intended as humor and not true advice. (Editor's Note: this does in fact make a good How-To on how NOT to get laid. :-) )