A Big Shiny Blue Marble Ch. 28

***This bit happens concurrently as Selena struggles with herself and feels badly for what she was driven to do. 0_o

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Book of the Merren Part 15

They walked back together holding hands. Nahl'een was the first to see them as she stood with Sariel. She wasn't looking, but when they got within a certain distance, Nahl'een just felt something and turned her head. She stared for a moment and then she was off flying to her sister as fast as she could go, and calling out her name.

Nahl'een gasped and came closer when she'd landed, "Selena? You look, ..."

Then she was against Selena and crying a little. Selena dropped to one knee to comfort her sister, but Nahl'een smiled through her tears, "You look like Mother now, but with horns and wings, and ... not sick. I remember now. You just like Mother."

Selena smiled warmly and she let her sister slip her arms around her neck as she picked her up. She looked at Nahl'een, "I love you so much, Sis."

Nahl'een hugged Selena tightly and they smiled to each other. "I love you SO much, Selena."

The older sister smirked, "I'm not gonna even start that with you today, cutie. We just get silly with it, don't we? Telling each other that we love each other SOOOO much."

"Ah-hah," Nahl'een grinned, "that's why I like it."

"Hey, how come you're the only one who doesn't bang into my horns when you hug me?"

The girl shrugged, "Not know." She reached over Selena's shoulder and touched one of her wings, "Sis is cave bat now like Nah'leen."

"You have the same skin color now," Arrax said.

Selena looked, "Yeah. That is, if it stays like this. I need a bath in the worst way."

"I miss when you give me baths," Nahl'een said, "Not have bath like that anymore. I miss your stories. If you have bath, I can come? I can teach you how to wash wings, Selena. I can help you now."

Selena leaned back and laughed, "You have the best ideas sometimes." She set her sister down and held out her hand, "Come on, Sis, let's go and you can teach me now."

Nahl'een beamed and took Selena's hand. They set off together like that, and the others watched as they walked away, laughing and joking.

"I like that," Shaevre smiled, "I have always liked how they are between them, since they found each other as sisters. Now they look like sisters, or like a mother and her girl, maybe. It is nice to see."

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After dinner that evening as the children chased each other through the air of the main cavern, Selena was absent though she came in after the Vadren and Azrael had gone and sat for a brief time as they'd all known her before, since none of her clothes would fit her otherwise. The other females listened to her well watered-down and vanilla version of events. She let them all draw their own conclusions and she sat looking very embarrassed when she was done. Dahlgren was also not there.

"I'm sorry for turning into a raging slut like that," she said with a quick look around, "It wasn't something that I could help and I'm very thankful that I had people who cared enough about me, both to do what I needed and also, I'm thankful to you two for allowing me to borrow your males."

She pulled out her chair, "If you'll excuse me, I'd like to be alone now." Shaevre looked up, but Selena shook her head, telling her that she really wanted to be alone.

She was gone before any of the others could really react.

Cha'Khah put her hand on Rachel's, "I am going to speak with her. Selena feels shame for everything, and I do not think that it is deserved."

Rachel shook her head, "Give her a little time first. She wants to be alone, we just have to go to her before she starts to wallow in it."

After that, Arrax spoke of what he knew of the sort of being that Selena had always been and never knew about.

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Shaevre found Selena and took her outside for their walk where she saw Dahlgren by Faith's grave.

When she returned alone, Selena went for a walk, heading away to the maintenance areas, since she knew that they were usually deserted. She was still a long way from them when her tears began over the shame that she felt.

Selena looked at the dark surface of the water in one of the underground lakes. She didn't know what she'd gotten out of her wanton display -- half of the time, she was as surprised as anyone else at the sorts of things which had come out of her mouth.

She thought back to when her life was simpler and she was only a poor thief whose only trouble was trying to stay ahead of the law while using it to her advantage and wondering how she was going to keep herself and her horse fed over the winter. What the hell had she become?

She squirmed a little uncomfortably. Even the bath hadn't gotten out all of the semen that she'd been filled with. Hours later, and she could still feel it. About the only good thing that she could think of was that as what she was now, she was very aware that there was no egg in her on its way to her womb from her ovaries. She'd been given conscious control over when she conceived as a part of this. All that she'd need was a virile male, if she wanted to spawn.

Selena avoided everyone for the next few days. On the third evening, she was back, looking at the dark water, and thinking that she felt a little better.

She didn't notice the others right away as they approached her from a long way down the corridor. But she heard it as Shaevre whispered her name softly, and as she turned, she found herself in the Xer's arms being hugged and kissed right in front of Rachel and Cha'Khah, who plainly didn't think anything about it.

"We wanted you to know," Rachel smiled, "that we don't think anything bad about what happened to you a few days ago."

Cha'Khah nodded, "It was what had to happen, Arrax told us." She smiled, "We are all females, Selena, and neither Rachel or I are so worried about losing our males over this that we would look on you with anything other than our care and concern for you. We were your friends before this. We are still your friends now."

She smirked, "We only hope that you know your good fortune. We certainly do. Any of us might see a male and have the thought and wonder a little what it might be like with him. You did get to try with two others, though perhaps not in the way that you might have preferred."

"Yeah, "Rachel laughed, "At least you got to go for a little variety. We'd both like a shot at what you and Shaevre get to hold onto, but we know that it can't happen. It's a nice thought, though."

Cha'Khah nodded with a chuckle, "I am waiting to hear Vadren's answer to me when I finally ask him tonight how it went. He will be stuck then, not wanting to tell me that it was wonderful -- even if it was -- and he knows that if he says that it was not, then I will not believe him either. Oh, this is a fight that I cannot wait to have. Thank you for this, Selena."

"But," Selena began, "Cha'Khah, the way that I see this, both of you did me such a kindness. Now it sounds like you'll make him feel guilt for it."

"Not really," the Drowess grinned, "Vadren is a good male, a very mighty mage and though he is sometimes thoughtful, he is not weak. I will ask my taunting question and he will tell me that it is none of my affair. He wil remind me that I gave my permission. And he would be right. But I won't care. I will give him a fight for it anyway."

Selena was stunned, since it made no sense to her and Cha'Khah could see it in her face, so she leaned a little close and though it was said a little conspiratorially, it was loud enough so that they all heard her, "I love to fight with Vadren," she smiled, "I always have, and the loving that I get for it after is the best for me. THAT is why I do it, never to hurt his feelings. He is worth too much to me for that. I just never tell him, that is all."

"So if you're feeling a little better," Rachel said with a grin, "then you ought to smile back at us just a little to let us know that you understand that we're fine with it all. We're just a little jealous, that's all. I mean, you did get to play with three males. That must have been something."

Selena nodded with a weak smile and she was going to leave it at that, but Shaevre added that it hadn't only been the one time, and that Shaevre had had them all four times each -- her as well.

Rachel's jaw dropped and she laughed, "I think that I ought to be bowing to you out of admiration. Holy cow," she chuckled, shaking her head.

"C'mon, Shaevre honey," she laughed as she took the Xer's hand to walk away, "Ok, tell me what it was like on the way back. Maybe I've been living my life on the wrong side of the damned street or something."

They walked away together and Cha'Khah asked the question that she'd come to ask.

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They crept out through the narrow opening to stand in the cold night air on the maintenance balcony. The night was still all around them and the light of the full moon shone brightly as it reflected from the snow in the mountains.

"We are a pair of fools," Cha'Khah muttered quietly after a minute as they stood in their cloaks

"We are a pair of friends who seek to help each other," Selena said, "Tell me when you're ready to start."

"If it were not winter, I would have already finished my dancing for the goddess," the Drowess said as she drew her sword and threw off her cloak to stand naked on the balcony. "I am ready."

Selena dropped her cloak from her shoulders and evaporated into a slightly shimmering cloud which wrapped itself around the dark body of her friend and vanished.

Cha'Khah let out a long pleasured sigh, "This feels so good, Selena. I am warm. Even the bottoms of my feet!"

"A kindness for my friend," she heard in her ear.

She began her steps and in the relatively small space of the balcony, she danced for her goddess as Selena kept her warm. While it lasted, Selena was memorizing the steps, seeking to learn from Cha'Khah's movements.

Cha'Khah danced for twenty minutes and stopped, feeling better at last to have done it. "Thank you for this, Selena."

"It was nothing," she heard next to her ear, "Would you teach me to fight with the blades? I want to learn this. You do it with such grace."

Cha'Khah shivered in a little pleasure, "For one who caresses me so nicely? It would be my honor. I cannot wait to dance in the rain with you and Shaevre."

"Neither can we," she heard the soft smile in Selena's voice, "Are you ready to help me now? It'll be cold for you, but I'll try to keep it brief. It's something I have to do, and I don't want to try inside if I fail."

Cha'Khah nodded, "Do as you need, but I worry for you. What will I do if you fail?"

"That is why I need you. I want you to remember where I fell, and go to get the others then -- if it happens."

Cha'Khah put on her cloak again and Selena warmed it for her for a moment. The Drowess knew it at once when she'd left her and she looked to see Selena standing on the edge of the balcony nude in the icy moonlight.

"Are you not cold?" Cha'Khah asked, "I want to hold you to me to warm you now myself to see you like that. I was freezing before you warmed me."

"That is a nice thought as well, but I can bear this," Selena smiled, "just watch me carefully in case I fail, that's all. I won't be long."

She spread her new wings and leapt from the small parapet and Cha'Khah was alone.

She stepped to the edge and looked over. After a moment, she saw Selena soar gracefully away from her over the tops of the trees far below. As she watched, Selena moved her wings and she began to climb astonishingly quickly. She's seen the others fly often, but she'd never seen one of them gain height so quickly or effortlessly.

Selena turned then and dropped like a shot, her wings folded a little to gain speed. As she passed overhead, Cha'Khah ducked with a grin and she jumped up to let out a happy cry of encouragement to see Selena rocket around in a turn and slow gracefully to land before her.

Cha'Khah threw her arms around Selena and laughed, "That was your first time and you fly like that?"

Selena looked at Cha'Khah with a small shy smile, "I only wanted to try a little."

The Drowess leaned in carefully around the horns and she kissed Selena's cheek, "That was wondrous. I have heard of some beings in human legends, and I think that you must be one like that. Angels, I think they are called."

Selena laughed a little, "It is a nice thought and I thank you for it, Cha'Khah, but I can't be one of them," she said as she slipped her hand under the Drowess' cloak to squeeze her flank a little affectionately for a moment.

"I love to fuck far too much to be one like that," she grinned.

"Oh," Cha'Khah smiled, bending to pick up Selena's cloak and put it around her shoulders for her, "I had not heard that they led such dull lives."

They worked their way back inside and after closing the blast valve again; Selena kissed Cha'Khah softly in thanks.

"Go and take that magnificent body to Vadren. I wish you both great pleasure this night," she whispered as they parted company. Selena walked down and headed back to where the she'd moved with Arrax and Shaevre, into a set of rooms intended for a family. It was in the same section as where Dahlgren stayed with Nahl'een. On the way, she tried a few of the steps and movements that she'd learned from her friend the Drow, smiling to herself as she skipped and danced.

She stopped when she saw Dahlgren as he stood alone outside his unit.

"Hey," she said.

"Hi Selena," he smiled a little, "I was just, ..."

She stepped closer, "You can't sleep either, can you? I know that I've already said it a few times, but I'm really sorry about what happened last week."

He nodded, "Thank you. I guess that you needed a walk as well?"

She shrugged, "Yes, pretty much. I felt really embarrassed over what I did, I still do. I also wanted to try out my wings outside. I guess that I wanted a softer landing if I crashed the first time. It didn't happen, but I took Cha'Khah with me since I know that her night vision is as good as mine or better so she could get help if I got hung up in a tree or something stupid like that."

"So you can fly then?" he asked.

She nodded, "I'm finding that there are a lot of things that I can do using my will to help. I think that's why I was successful at flying.

I have so many good things happening to me," she said quietly, "but I'm always a little sad for you and the load that you're carrying. I'm still upset over what happened to Faith."

She looked off into the darkness, "I try not to think about it, but it happens anyway. I'm a bit upset over that and there's a feeling in me that it wasn't fair. I'm happy that I can fly, and angry that I lost the friend that I was making in Faith. It's a long and slightly confusing list, Dahl. I really feel for you and Nahl'een over it."

He smirked and she heard it so she turned to see him looking down with a smile. "I found that everything that I was striving so hard for all of my life was pretty much a pack of lies. I guess that we've both found out a lot of things since we had that drink at the inn in Bruster. I was thinking of going to the bar to maybe have a mug of that awful Xerian beer. I was just waiting to be sure that Nahl'een was asleep. I stepped outside and saw you."

"Well if you'd like some company, I could use one too. I think it's growing on me." Selena smiled, and they set off together.

After two mugs each and learning that misery always loves a little company, they both felt better. They weren't exactly singing, but it was an improvement.

"I'm not sure how to say this, Dahl," Selena began, "but I guess that I want to tell you that I've had some time to think about Nahl'een, and no matter how I look at it, she needs me and I need her. It leaves me with a bit of a problem."

She snorted, "Which is something that I seem to have more of now than ever."

"I know," he said, "it's not too hard to see it. She sees you as her sister, and after all of this, she's not in any sort of shape for another huge change in her life. She's had nothing but huge changes."

"She needs stability," Selena nodded, "so that's why I was going to ask if you'd mind if I stayed here with all of you. I don't know what this is all going to become, but I know that Cha'Khah, Vadren and Azrael are already looking at jobs that they've had to turn away before now. I'd want to stay just for that, but my sister, well, ... I just know that she needs me, so --"

"Why are you even bringing this up, Selena?" he asked as he looked at her, "There's nothing to even discuss here. She needs you. I nee-"

He stopped, embarrassed and a little upset that the beer seemed to have loosened his tongue.

Selena nodded, "That's why I brought it up, Dahl."

She smiled a little. "She's got me. I'm just having a lot of trouble trying to define my role for her. I can be her big sister without a thought. Shoot, that's come to me as easy as breathing, but there is another role that she seems to want me to wear. It's another thing that's on my mind."

She looked down at his hand on the bar, wanting to reach for it and knowing that it wasn't really the right thing to do -- especially after today. "I could do that as well."

She laughed a little, "I think that it's even something that I want, deep down inside me."

He watched her face as she looked down. She looked about as embarrassed as he felt.

"That would be about as screwed up a family as I can even think of," she smiled toward his hand, "And I think I'm pretty much an expert on the subject of screwed up families. I guess that I could do it, though. I can be her much older sister and a lot like her mother at the same time. The roles are close, since the point is to help a little kid grow up."

He let her hang there a moment and then he moved his hand to put it over hers. "And just where does all of that leave Selena?" he asked very softly.

She smirked, but she didn't look up, "It leaves her a lot richer, living in the bright sunshine of my sister's little heart."

"Which you already have anyway," he said.

She looked at his hand and smiled, "Yeah, I guess that's so. I think it still leaves me wondering if I could have something back one day."

She leaned away from the bar and she looked up at him, reaching out to touch his hair, "That was before I turned into a sort of Xer wannabe and Miss High Merren Slut of the Week. Thanks for understanding and not coming to see how low Selena can get." He didn't see it right away, but Selena had to blink furiously a few times to keep her eyes from betraying her as she turned her head.

She looked away a little sadly and leaned onto the bar again. "I used to see you now and then, and every time that I saw you -- just the first time each day that I did, it always seemed to take my breath away for a moment. It hasn't happened in a long time, but my life has been nothing but a long roll down a hillside inside a barrel the last while. I'm more than a little Xer now as well, but we've talked about it, and they see that the three of us need each other somehow; at least my sister and I need each other.

But as much as I love them, they need each other more then they need me -- at least until they have that first bunch of whelps. I thought that I had a place for me with them, but I know that it can't happen. I'm just like them in some ways, that's all. Arrax says that there will be a time when I'll need them, but I don't know what he's talking about. Sometimes he talks so far ahead in terms that are nothing but vague to me.

I was just wondering if there was a chance that I could get to where I had that feeling back the first time that I saw you every day. I know that right now, we're both upset and all, but one day, you know?"