A Flight to Hell & Heaven

So it was settled. During that day and following days there were more tears as Janet came upon particularly personal items that had been Tom's. There were no moves to get rid of her dead husband's things. They were tidied away for the time being. It is a mistake many grieving people make in getting rid too soon of the dead person's possessions, only to find some months later that they regret the hasty action.

Janet.

She felt her son's love as soon as he touched her. It passed into her almost like a physical entity. She pulled herself against him making the greatest possible physical contact with him. She needed his strength and the comfort of his embrace. She wept on, but now did so with a feeling of security and the dreadful feelings of loneliness and despair gradually lifted from her.

His offer of breakfast in bed had even managed to make her smile. She had always hated breakfast in bed. She did not relish the coming day, but if Bernard were to be there, it would be made the more bearable. But was he to be there? He had not said.

When at breakfast he asked her if he could stay for two weeks she felt a jolt of joy and relief pass through her. She wanted to say, "Stay, my darling, stay for ever," but she dared not, so she answered more mildly.

Throughout the day he stayed near her, helping and comforting as they sorted through Tom's possessions that were to be put away. He spoke little and listened much as she talked of the memories various items evoked.

If she had any doubts about her son's love for her, they were now dispelled. But there was still this sexual thing between them. At this time it was quiescent, but she knew it must emerge again and probably before his stay with her was over. Should they bring it out into the open? But how? In what form?

Bernard.

As the second week of his stay arrived his sexual needs started to make themselves felt once more. The old agony of her nearness and his desire for her began their torment of him. The demon was reasserting itself.

He resorted to the old ploy of withdrawing from Janet, trying not to touch her or be touched. He knew now that his love for her was real and not simply based upon carnal needs, but it was the love of a man for a woman, and no longer that of a son for his mother.

He knew any attempt at denial would be useless. The demon must be faced and if possible be outfaced, but how he did not know.

It is an ancient battle, this struggle between lust and love. Philosophers and priests have argued from the dawn of man's recorded history on this topic, and still the battle rages. To lust for another is to seek to draw value from them to add that value to the self. To love another is to seek to give from the self to add value to the other. When Bernard had comforted his mother he gave of himself to add to her. She had indeed received value, for she said to herself, "I am loved."

Now Bernard, still loving Janet, still wanting to give of himself to her life, also wanted to draw value from her. He wanted to give himself to her, but also wanted to possess her. Very confusing is it not?

There can be only one true way forward in this situation. It must be a free exchange between them. This is no easy matter as most lovers will know, but with mother and son?

Janet.

As the second week of Bernard's stay progressed Janet saw him withdrawing from her. She was hurt and confused, but at the same time she realised what he was doing and why. She further realised that before he left this matter must be settled between them. If it was not, then they were destined for a lifetime of separation or at best, cold meetings.

Understanding that Bernard was most unlikely to be the one to break the ice, Janet laid her own plans for bringing matters to a head.

The Last Night.

For the final evening of Bernard's stay Janet prepared a special meal and opened a bottle of excellent Shiraz. Apart from expressing his appreciation of the feast, Bernard said very little. He seemed lost somewhere in the depths of himself and very morose.

Janet did nothing to try and break his mood. She was feeling tense and nervous as she contemplated what she knew she must do. What must be done would either bind them together into the future, or tear them apart never to be healed. The risk was there, and it had to be taken.

When they had cleared away they retired to the lounge and Janet sat on the couch while Bernard took the easy chair most distant from her.

Janet began by expressing her appreciation of all that Bernard had done in supporting her through this difficult time. She ended by saying, "Darling, it may be a long time before we see each other again, won't you come and give me a hug?"

Bernard was silent, looking away from her. She waited for some time before speaking again, and then asked, "Is something wrong, darling? Have I done something to upset you?"

At last Bernard spoke. "No mother, it is me that is wrong."

Janet spoke very quietly, knowing that the crisis was upon them. "What is it, darling. Whatever it is, please tell me."

Bernard, matching her quietness, said, "I must tell you something about myself mother, and when I have finished you will probably never want to see me or be near me again." Janet waited in silence. "Mother, for years I have loved you, and wanted you as a man wants the woman he loves."

Janet smiled a gentle smile and said, "I know my darling."

Of all the responses Janet might have made, this was the one least expected by Bernard. Recrimination and rejection he would have understood, but this…? He struggled to respond, not believing what he had heard. "But mother…how…how did you know?"

Janet gave a little laugh and said, "Darling, I am your mother, even if you do want me as a woman. There are some things you cannot hide from me, no matter how hard you try."

"And you don't loathe and hate me?" protested Barnard.

"Had it never occurred to you," asked Janet, "That I might be harbouring similar feelings for you. That I might have been longing for you to be with me as a man with the women he loves?"

For a long time neither of them spoke or moved, the Janet rose saying, "Well, if you won't come to me, I suppose I must come to you." She crossed to where Bernard sat, bent down and kissed him full on the lips.

The barriers came crashing down. The years of sexual frustration surged out as Bernard picked Janet up and carried her back to the couch. He smothered her face with kisses as he caressed her breasts. He moaned, "Oh mother, you don't know, you can't know how I've wanted you." His hand sought her vagina, but she stopped him. "Not here my love. Take me to bed."

He carried her to the bedroom and tenderly undressed her as she stripped him. His head sank to her breasts and took her nipple into his mouth. His hand went to her vagina and parting the lips he inserted his finger into her. He felt her wetness as she sobbed, "Enter me, darling, please don't make me wait, I've waited so long already."

He entered her as if he would return from whence he came. Janet, so long deprived of his manhood, came to orgasm quickly, and as she did he boiled over into her. They cried out with words of love that had been so long locked away within them, and then came the peace that is the gift of love fulfilled.

During the night they came together three times more before they were sated. Then they talked of the future.

In his joy and love for Janet Bernard wanted her to join him almost immediately in his distant city. Janet, with the wisdom women have, refused this proposal, and put an alternative'

As she lay stroking his face she said, "My love, what we have had tonight is the promise of things to come. Shall we say, a 'deposit' to secure the future. If I were to go with you now, you would not have the whole me. I still have things to come to terms with here.

Bernard cut in, "Then I shall leave my job and come back here…" "No you won't," interrupted Janet. "I shall be with you in only one way."

"How?" pleaded Bernard.

"You will go back to your work, and we shall wait for a year."

"A year," exploded Bernard.

"Yes," Janet went on, " a year. By that time I shall be able to come to you unreservedly and whole. I also want you to be very sure that you still want me."

Bernard made as if to protest, but Janet went on, "Two months before the end of the year I shall send you a letter. The letter will contain only one word, which will be a question. It will ask 'Yes?' If you choose to reply, you are to write either 'Yes,' or 'No.' If it is the first, I shall come to you. If it is the latter, you will never see me again. Do you agree?"

Bernard could tell from the tone of her voice that argument would be useless. He comforted himself with the knowledge that he had waited for her so long without hope of ever having her as a lover, another year whilst painful for him, would in the end bring her to him for good. So he agreed.

He held her in his arms as they slept.

The next morning she saw the aircraft carry him away from her, and she stood weeping. Epilogue.

Two months before the end of the year a letter arrived for Janet in reply to one she had sent. She looked at the single word on the page, folded the letter and put it in her pocket.

Twelve months to the day after Bernard and Janet had parted, an aircraft taxed to the end of the runway. It stood for a few moments, its engines softly whining. Their note changed and they rose to a roar. Brakes were released and the plane went down the runway gathering speed. Its wheels lifted from the ground and as it sped over the suburban roofs and the city centre, they rose and were locked into position. The aircraft banked, still climbing, and turned westward.

In a distant city a young man looked at his watch. He took a final walk around his newly acquired house to see all was in order. Pausing he took a last to look at the large bed in the main bedroom. He smiled.

He went out to the garage and climbed into the car. He started the engine and backed carefully into the street. Driving to the end of the street he turned left and headed for the main road. Arriving at the junction he smiled as he glanced the right pointing sign, "To the Airport."

He turned right, and sang joyfully as he drove.