A Justice vs Mercy Story

"You should have been a politician Daisy, you've missed your calling. So you say if I should insist on justice I would be admitting defeat. Perhaps that is because I have been defeated. I was defeated when you left with Doug. A smart general knows when his forces have been overwhelmed. He acknowledges the defeat. That is where I am now. I admit defeat, to fight for our marriage now would only result in my total annihilation."

"So your love isn't strong enough to keep me?

No, it's not about my love for you. I will always love you. It is about whether I could ever trust you again. I will make one concession, I'll ask my lawyer to pause the process, not sure for how long, maybe a month. You will need a lawyer, so get one now. We can't live in the same house so one of us will find an apartment. You have more things here in the home that you need so I'll move out. I'm sorry but it has to be this way."

I left the house and sat in my car. I was shaking like a leaf. I had no idea whether this was a good idea or bad. I just knew how much it hurt. I hated it.

My lawyer agreed with the pause, he thought it a wise decision. So did my shrink, who warned me against closing doors unnecessarily. She said that she had seen more egregious betrayals work out well.

I looked for rental accommodation and was disappointed that there were so few nice places. Staying at the Empire hotel was far too costly so I needed to find a better solution.

A few days later I got a text from Daisy asking for a coffee shop meeting. I agreed so met at the hotel coffee shop.

Daisy came in looking like a million bucks. She was wearing a white silk blouse, blue skirt that revealed she was wearing stockings and heels. She had obviously come from work.

"Wow, you look hot in that outfit!"

"Oh, this old thing?"she smiled.

"How do the guys at your office concentrate on work when you dress like that?"

"We train them right I guess. Listen, I don't have a long time but I wanted to see you and find out how you're doing."

"I'm miserable thanks. Finding an apartment is a pain. There are so few available and they are terrible. The Empire here charges way too much for me to stay here."

"Why don't you just come home?"

"Because two people seeking divorce should not be living together. It is like adding gasoline to a fire."

"We're adults. If you don't want to sleep with me that's okay, I get it. We have two more bedrooms, take one of those. You could move a bed downstairs into the den or even the basement if you need more separation. It just makes sense for you to have a secure home base."

This was one of the reasons I loved her, she is practical.

"Alright, I guess that is the best option unless something special comes up."

"Good, will you be home in time for a supper together tonight?"

"I should be home at my usual time. I have to ask this, what about Doug?

"What about Doug?"

"Are you and Doug still..."

"No, that ended out on that road trip. Are we ready for that conversation? I didn't want to rush into it. Maybe tonight after supper?"

"That sounds good."

How could I be so pig headed about ending my relationship with Daisy? She looked like any man's dream girl sitting there with me. Still there were principles to uphold.

"Not to sound too domestic about this but, what's for supper? Can I pick up a bottle of wine?"

"Sea bass and a green salad so buy a white wine. I had better get going. See you tonight."

She stood up, kissed my cheek and sashayed out the door. I hated the fact that she could wrap me around her little finger so easily.

The sea bass that night was outstanding and the wine intoxicating. Daisy hadn't changed out of her work clothes. I guess if it excited me at the coffee shop it would do for supper too.

We opened a second bottle of wine and sat in the family room to talk.

"So what happened on the road trip."

"How much detail do you want?"

"Give me the details. I'll tell you when it's too much."

"After I left the bar I went to Doug's. We had drinks there and went to bed early because the flight out was before dawn. We slept together but didn't make love. We spooned, that was all. The flight was good. We got our room at the hotel. Then Doug went off for workout, then practice, team meeting, batting practice, game. Rinse and repeat. I would see him in the morning at supper and after the game. I really didn't get to spend that much time with him."

"So you were pretty much on your own?"

"Some of the wives would ask if I wanted to go shopping but most of the wives didn't like the girlfriends hanging around."

"That would be difficult."

"Yeah, it wasn't what I expected. What other details do you want or need to hear, where we stayed, where we ate, where we had sex?"

"Suit yourself, I am willing to hear about it all."

"I'll assume the most sensitive part would be the sex, it's the hardest for me to tell. Doug is a physical specimen, six and a half feet of solid muscle. He wears size 14 shoes. He is in the best physical shape of his life. Having sex with a man like this could be a life changing experience, it wasn't"

"Doug Smith stood in front of me naked. His body parts are pretty much proportional, you can imagine the other body part sizes. I have never seen a man that size, not even in a porn video. Unfortunately it goes to waste, he can't seem to use it."

"What?!"

"He could barely get it up. I tried to stimulate him but it was never firm enough. I asked him about viagra, he said he tried it but it didn't work. He mumbled something that sounded like steroids but I couldn't be sure. Given his musculature steroid use at one time or another would be likely. Here is the hard part for both you to hear and for me to recount. The closest we came to having any kind of sex was on the third night. I worked on him for half an hour to get semi hard. We performed a 69 on each other. I finally had one small orgasm. He never got fully hard and he never climaxed. He was never hard enough for penetration."

"When I called you from the road trip I lied. Things were not going well. I was unhappy, not about the sex, I missed you and I realized how stupid I had been. Doug was trying to be nice about it and he wanted to be intimate with me so badly but where the spirit was willing, the flesh was weak."

"I told him that this was a big mistake. That I liked him as a friend but we had gotten carried away. I told him that I loved you. He agreed to end things and I bought a ticket home."

"To think that I endangered the most satisfying relationship I've ever had for something so wrong has been absolutely heartbreaking."

"That's when it hit me, just how much pain I had dished out on you. I was ashamed of myself. I really didn't like the person that I had become. I swore that I would somehow make it up to you but now I don't know how or if it is even possible."

"So you had a nasty case of buyers remorse. The product was not as advertised. My question to you, in light of what you've told me is this... What if Mr. Six foot six had been able to achieve a rock solid erection and he'd plowed your field until you cropped? (another nod to Shakespeare) Would you still be with him now or would you be here with me?"

"You ask the hard ones, and I appreciate the Shakespeare reference, Antony and Cleopatra by the way.

Even if Doug had been a dynamo in bed I would still have ended up in the same place. Doug is big, tall and handsome but you, Steve you're special. You love me, care for me, you're always looking out for my own interests. Doug just helped me realize that."

"A little too late and a dollar short as they say. How could I ever trust you again? What happens when the next handsome guy comes sniffing around? You wanted a shiny new boyfriend not your aging husband and you traded up. I can forgive you but I can't trust you, and that is a deal breaker."

"I know. It hurts knowing I've lost you but at least we can try to coexist for while here in the house."

"Speaking of which, I'm going to take the guest room. If you find I'm too close I'll move downstairs."

"Steve, I would welcome you to my bed. Sleeping in the next room is not going to be too close for me."

"Then I'm going to turn in. This has been a tiring day."

"Goodnight."

The guest room mattress was not as comfortable as I once thought it was. As exhausted as I was I fell asleep quickly.

In the middle of the night I got up to use the washroom. The master bedroom door was open and I could see Daisy sleeping under the thin sheet. She looked so peaceful. I wanted to finish my business in the washroom and go lay down with her but knew that was a bad idea.

How do I reconcile my wanting to be with her and my need for justice? Maybe my shrink will have some idea.

Over the next two weeks many of our familiar patterns of living returned. After a month they were fully settled. One night when I was saying goodnight I added "dear" without thinking. Then I kissed her on the lips.

I immediately realized what I'd done so I said "oops."

"That was nice Steve, thanks. You can do that again if you like."

I kissed her again but this time she returned the kiss. We were gentle with each other, almost afraid that if we rushed it or made too much of it we would break the spell. When we did stop she embraced me and put her head against my chest.

"I have really missed that."

"Me too but..."

"It's okay, I know. It is what it is. Just know that whatever it was, I loved it."

It took the rest of that year before I finally moved out of the house into an apartment. Daisy was unhappy about my leaving but I had always known I had to go.

"Will we ever be together again Steve?"

"You've been good to me. You've given me no reason to doubt you. Yet I still can't bring myself to trust you with my heart. It has been good living here with you and we've become closer, maybe that's why I need to leave."

The apartment I rented was not the best but I didn't need much. I had become too comfortable around Daisy. We were beginning to behave like a married couple albeit in separate bedrooms. I wasn't ready for that. I still felt the pain she inflicted and I couldn't allow the wound to heal. Inside I knew it was self destructive behaviour but it seemed right.

I hated living in the apartment alone. It was a challenge for me to stay. I missed being around Daisy. I sucked it up and stayed in the apartment for a full year. I called Daisy once a month to talk, let her know I was well and working on myself."

I drove by our old house one day and saw Daisy sitting on the porch with a man. They were sipping drinks and talking. They didn't see me and I didn't stop. Had Daisy moved on to another man? I wouldn't blame her if she had. I circled the block, parked the car a fair distance away and walked around the block.

Daisy and her friend were laughing as I walked up the driveway.

"Hello Daisy." I called out.

She looked shocked.

"Steve? What are you doing here?"

"Well it is my house." I replied.

"Carl this is my ex husband Steve."

"Actually I am not her ex husband, we never divorced so we're still married. "

Daisy's face paled at my saying that. I could see the sudden tension between her and Carl.

Carl said,"Daisy, I have to get going. We'll talk later."

She followed him down to his car and kissed him on the cheek. She returned to the porch scowling at me.

"Come inside, I don't want the neighbours gossiping."

"Yes, nothing worse than having your husband showing up unexpectedly."

"Fuck off Steve." You fucking deserted me, you haven't been here in a year and you have the balls to just drop in."

"Whoa, yes I left a year ago. Never forget it was you who deserted me to go play with Doug Smith that started this shit. Everything I said out there to Carl was the truth. We are still married and my name is on the deed for this house."

"Why wouldn't you visit me."

"Healing Daisy, I was healing. The time I spent with you was making me too comfortable way too comfortable. I had much more pain inside me that needed to be dealt with. This year of solitude has helped me deal with the conflicts. I am ready to move forward."

Seeing her with another man made me realize that it was tume to shit or get off the pot. I needed to decide once and for all what I wanted.

"I was beginning to think this moment would never come to a head but I guess it is inevitable."

"I know, it's taken a long time, but the hurt ran so deep. It takes time to come to peace with these decisions."

"I'm glad you've found some peace. So if you have the papers I'll sign them for you."

"Sign?"

"The divorce papers."

"You thought...No Daisy, after a year alone with my thoughts I came to the conclusion that what we have is worth keeping. I do love you with all that I am. We are far better together than apart. I believe that living with you will help me recover my trust. I would love for us to live here together."

"Shit, I thought you had come to terms with divorce. Didn't you say you had just paused it? You repeatedly told me that reconciliation was out of the question. What was I supposed to think when you just disappear for a year? I thought you were long gone, out of my life. I grieved for you. Then a month ago I met Carl. He is such a sweet man. We are starting to build a relationship together. This is so typical, I sit and pine for you for 11 months, I give up on you and start seeing a guy and then you show up on my doorstep."

"I am sorry I couldn't visit you during that year, but it would have rekindled the hurt that I needed gone. I forgave you, I forgave myself. I healed to the point that I realized I needed you and I was incomplete without you."

"So what do you want?"

"I want to abandon the divorce proceedings. Tear it up completely. I want to move back home. Rebuild our marriage and recommit to each other."

"I don't know Steve. I thought Carl was the kind of man I could see as a future husband. Now I don't know where I stand. I don't know what I want. I do love you but your year away has changed me."

"You were begging me to take you back as my wife, now you're saying you want the divorce? Are you telling me that this past year of monk-like existence has been wasted? I've already told my lawyer to shut it down. I understand that it's been hard for you but my love for you is stronger than it ever was."

"So you want me to choose between Carl and you?

"I guess it comes down to that. I'm sorry I didn't make this decision a month ago."

"Let me talk to Carl."

"I need to move in, my lease on the apartment has expired. I'll stay in the guest room again."

I sat in the kitchen having a cup of coffee that evening when I overheard Daisy on the phone.

"I'm sorry about what happened, he just showed up unannounced...Yeah, he was right we are still married...he filed but we put a hold at my request...He was gone a year...we talked on the phone...He wants to move back in...The spare room for now, he wants to reconcile...I don't know, I do love him but...we started something...No, I can't be with both...I fucked it up last time by... he is my husband...if that's the way you feel. I'm sorry...Yeah, me too.

I sipped my coffee as she walked into the kitchen.

"Oh, you're here. I suppose you eavesdropped on that conversation."

"I only heard the one side but I got the gist of it. Carl was unhappy?"

"He thought Id purposely misrepresented my relationship status with you. He wouldn't have started with me if he knew I was still married. He then said hed still be interested in being sex on the side fir me if I was interested, anyway but I told him that was how I lost you in the first place. He then wished me luck with my marriage."

"I'm sorry you had to go through that."

"It always seems to be like that. Just when I think I can move on from you, there you are."

"Steve, youve changed your position on our status several times. I need to be sure if Im going to commit. Are you 100% sure you are going to commit to our marriage Steve? Because if you are then so am I. However if you are only 99.9% sure then please divorce me right now. I'll sign on the dotted line. The only way we'll make it work is if we hold nothing back. No guest room, we sleep in the same bed. We are husband and wife in full!

"This year in isolation has only strengthened my resolve to give 100% of everything to our reconciliation. I want nothing more than to rebuild. with you"

We began the slow and sometimes messy process of reconciliation after these past two years of chaos. My shrink met with us separately and as a couple. He says that we are doing wonderfully well and there is a strong bond at the base of our relationship.

So now it was just us. No Doug, no Carl, just Daisy and Steve.

Daisy began helping me out with my business. She had a sharp eye for detail and it helped us grow our business. As the business grew so did our love for each other.

We discussed whether we should move to a nicer location but we loved this house and being here together meant a lot to us.

A year after our moving back in together we had a marriage renewal ceremony. It felt good to formally acknowledge our renewed commitment.

Today, I look back on how this all unfolded and I marvel at how close we had come to giving up on each other. I am so glad that we worked through the discouragement, the pain and depression to come out whole on the other side. Never give up.

Daisy being a Shakespeare fanatic would appreciate me ending this with this quote...

"Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt." Measure for Measure-- William Shakespeare

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