A Letter to My Lover

You are the epitome of my every secret dream of what a man should be. Strong, never failing to defend yourself or the ones you love. A woman need never fear with you by her side. Gentle, so much so the tiniest puppy relaxes at your touch. Your hands soft and soothing. Loving, your very nature leads you to care deeply for those around you. Never thinking of the cost to yourself, you reach out with unfailing love. So clever, the light of your intelligence shines brightly. I could never fail to be sure that the answers to my questions would fall from your lips.

These qualities and so many more led me to fall head over heels in love with you. Our conversations were so intriguing. I could spend hours in your company and never grow bored. Even the silence seemed to ring with meaning and thought. We began as friends, a mutual goal shared. Common concerns led us to a more intimate plane. Frustration, anxiety and questions brought us to share answers gleaned from life's lessons learned.

In dark times we both reached out for comfort. An attempt to stave off the monster waiting in the dark beyond. Away in secret places we laughed to lighten our burdens. We touched and kissed, pleasure our protection against loneliness. I had been so sure I knew so much but at every turn you shocked and startled. You became my teacher, Master of my body and mind. The pathways we traversed at first so new and treacherous swiftly became familiar and safe with you to guide me. I stretched out to new heights in our explorations.

Our secret stolen moments became the focus of my life. I wanted nothing more than to be with you. To hear your voice, to feel your touch, to see what new exotic ideas your mind would present to mine. I told you I wanted nothing but your friendship and time but my heart cried out for yours. I pushed my mundane family life aside and made room only for you. Fantasies of a world in your arms, in your life swept over me. I wallowed in the idyllic happiness that could know no pain. Dare I admit you became my obsession?

But you were... My heart turned cold towards my husband and warmed only for you. I could not see how broken and battered my home became, living only for a moment with you. Endless plots ran thru my head. Some just ways to be with you for a night before slipping back into my marital bed. Other plans were more involved, leaving my husband altogether to be at your side forever. The problems in my life that had first prompted our step to intimacy escalated as I grew more and more disinterested in my marriage.

The prick, the asshole, the burden of my misguided youth... the man I married... he became the bane of my existence. I convinced myself that nothing could be resolved. I was so sure that I would be better off without him. A tiny voice inside me cried that I would be better with you. But you knew nothing of these plans. No accusations of encouragement could I lay at your door. No promises of love everlasting or even a future together.

All these dreams, these fantasies were of my own doing. When faced with harsh reality I ran. What a coward did I become! Luxuriating in stolen pleasure while my husband waited unknowing in our home. I think, had I not opened my eyes and seen what destruction my wantonness had wrought, that I would have given up all for you. As I now think back, I know that when reality and my dreams had come together, my dreams doubtless would not have withstood the strain. They would have been shattered by the mundanity of bills, work schedules and pet peeves so easily overlooked in the first blush of love.

So you see, my dearest, it's better this way. It's better that I turn back to my husband and pick up the broken pieces that lay scattered. It's better that I take my dreams and my fantasies and put them away where they will always be unbroken and pure. I will reopen my heart to my husband again. I will endeavor not to compare him to you and mourn what is lacking. I will be dutiful and committed. I will be the wife I am expected to be and perhaps I will be happy. I hope you understand why we cannot be together again. Though it will never cross my lips in speech, my heart will always hold a place for you. The perfect, untested, unperiled love I feel will ever be locked away inside me. When I am old and grey I will still remember your face and pray you still remember me.

~Always and Forever Yours~