A Real Suave Guy Gets Some

Martin sat in his chair and stared. He wasn't staring at anything in particular, just off into space. This wouldn't have been a big deal normally, but in this case his jaw was hanging and saliva was dripping all over him. His blue eyes were mysteriously dilating. Just by chance the new girl in the office was what he was staring at. Not purposely, though. He was just drooling because he's a bumbling idiot, as you'll find out later. Anyway, to resume: Martin sat in his chair looking stupid for a good twenty minutes until the girl noticed him. She looked at him oddly. Thinking he looked rather odd with his mouth wide open and drooling, she approached him. As soon as she got to his desk, he regained his composure.

"Oh, goddammit," he muttered. "I hate it when I do that."

She giggled.

"Oh," he said, finally taking notice of her. "You must be the new girl. My name's Martin Copraphagia the Nothingth. You?"

"Nothingth?" inquired the girl.

"Oh, yes," Martin went on. "It's a long story." He began to laugh to himself. Just then he took a real look at the girl and noticed how beautiful she was. Her hair was long and blonde and her eyes shimmering emeralds. Her attire was almost catholic school girl uniform like, and already several men had marveled at the wonders this did for his figure. He started drooling again. Her eyebrows arched.

"Are you okay?" she questioned.

"No," he replied. "I'll be right back." He excused himself. She sat on his desk and waited for him.

'What a funny little man', she thought. Martin was only about 5'6, rather short in comparison with her height of 6'. He was the same age as her, around twenty five, and for some reason she liked him. Finally he returned. "I'm back," he stated lamely.

"Yes," she agreed softly. She was sitting on his desk still with her legs crossed towards him. He forced a laugh. "What's so funny?" she asked. He thought. "Um, I'm an idiot," he began under his breath. "How;d you like to go out to dinner with me tonight?" he said aloud. "Hmm," she thought. "How about we just go to your house and have tons and tons of sex?" He choked. He collapsed on the floor, choking violently. He began coughing up blood. No, not really. Just kidding. He choked.

"What?" he stammered. "Well," she started, "you don't look like you've had any in a long time, and niether have I." Martin hesitated. "Well, alright, but we should try to keep it low profile." He noticed her gently massaging his leg. "Touching is high profile," he told her sternly. She withdrew. He pulled a pen and paper out of his pocket. She didn't know why, but this act turned her on for some reason. He wrote down directions to his house and handed them to her. "Here," he said. "We'll meet at six. You'll be there, right?"

"Yes," said a passing man. "I will," she promised. With that, they returned to their work and didn't speak again until six. The girl got up and walked to her desk while Martin- oh hell, let's just move on to six. Martin drove up into his driveway, delighted to see a car parked in front of his house. After he got out, he walked up to the window. "Hello," he said smoothly. The window rolled down. A drunken bum was sitting in the car.

"Quiet, mister," he mumbled, "or THEY'LL be here!" Martin backed off. Just then a piece of shit car (to be blunt) drove up. It was very nice. Rag for a gas cap, wheel rims falling off, all that good stuff. It parked. The girl got out. She walked up to Martin. "Shall we?" she asked. "Of course," he replied. They walked up to his front door where he unlocked it and they entered. "You can sit down on that couch right there," he told her. "That pile of dog shit?" she asked. "No," he said, "the couch next to the pile of shit."

"Ah," she said. She sat down. He soon returned with a stereo remote control. "Thought we could use some music," he told her. She smiled. 'God', he thought, 'she has such a pretty smile'. With that, he pushed the button. Loud death metal blasted into the room. "ARGOOOBLU BLADDJOOO KARGITS!!!!!!!!!" roared the vocalist. Martin began stripping, as did the girl(about four minutes ago).

She helped him with his belt and pulled out his cock. She gasped. "Your cock," she murmured. "What about it?" he asked. "It's so tiny," she said. "Are you hard?" Martin felt a bit embarassed. "Yes," he told her. "Oh, well," she muttered. She laid down naked on the couch, fighting off the terrible odor of the shit. He moved in. He got on top of her and aligned himself properly. "No fourplay?" she asked sweetly, so sweetly in fact that any man with compassion would have stopped what he was doing and started giving her oral.

Martin wasn't wise enough to catch this, though. "What's that?" he asked.

She sighed, "Nevermind." She waited for a while and nothing happened. Then he moaned, "Oh,...lady I just met..." and farted. Not just any fart, though. This squirted out feces onto her leg. She didn't notice it, though. Right now she didn't even know he was inside of her. He climaxed and rolled over. "Ah, that was good," he said, lighting up a cigarette. "What?" she demanded. "I didn't feel a thing!"

"And understandably," he empathized. "I'm hung like a killer moth." She laid back, her sexual desires still unfulfilled and somewhat angry.

"Say," he said, dressing himself, "how about next time we videotape ourselves. We could make a snuff film! Wouldn't that be sweet?"

The girl sighed. "Yeah, sure," she agreed without feeling. 'So this is what happens when you settle for the first guy you see," she thought. "Yup," Martin agreed.