A Secret and a Promise

Karen stood at the edge of the dooryard and looked at the house, once a warm and comfortable place, now dark and vaguely foreboding. As bad as her grief was, she contemplated how much worse it had to be for Lisa's brothers and her parents. Were they having nightmares as they slept? Were they getting on with life, or pining like she was doing. Yes, that was it, Lisa had called it pining in the dream, and that's what it was.

A song slipped into Karen's head. Something her father listened to, something she'd heard several times, one of her father's favorites. Something powerful and profound, and oddly familiar. Karen made her way across the lawn to the back of the house, her flip-flops slapping in a steady rhythm as she walked. In the rear of the house, the back edge of the lawn ended at the tall, high grass of the meadow.

Karen stood silently for a moment. Her brain remembered the low, sonorous, melancholy sound of a bass violin, melding in time with the gentle, soothing sounds of violins. She smiled at how clearly she heard the music in her head.

At last, Karen looked skyward. Above her, the air was crystal clear, and the heaven's blazed in their regal glory, a million stars making the sky come alive. And the moon. It was a waxing gibbous, about halfway through the last quarter, and it was directly above, casting its ghostly light, bright enough to light Karen's way.

Karen pushed the chest high grass aside and stepped into the meadow. She plowed through the tangled grass, not thinking about where she was going, but absolutely sure of the way to get there. The moon followed behind her, the face looking as though it were peering from behind a doorjamb, checking to see if the coast was clear, yet indifferent to the twelve-year old girl pushing through the meadow grass in the dead of night.

When she felt the ground under her feet soften to mud, Karen kicked off her flip-flops and picked them so they wouldn't get sucked off in the muck. The mud got goopier and wetter with each step, the meadow grass gave way to reeds and cattails, until she was splashing through ankle deep water, her feet plunging into the sludge with a kerploop-schlurp with each step, releasing faintly poopy smell each time. There might be any number of mud-dwelling creatures she'd normally find repulsive under her feet, but she took no heed.

At last, the water gave way to mud, and the mud to solid ground, the reeds and cattails dissolved back into meadow. She pushed her way through the Queen-Anne's-Lace, goldenrod, and grasses. The moon lit her way, but she didn't need it. Her feet knew exactly how to get to where she had to go.

In the cold, sterile light of the moon directly overhead, the old tractor shed stood as it had the day of the thunderstorm, collapsed on itself, a single briar entangled corner left standing. Karen's lip began to quiver, and the lump in her chest grew until it was uncontainable. She let out a loud sob. Trembling heavily, she made her way around to the hidden entrance to the magic place.

Karen looked up at the moon, sobbing as she did. "It's your fault," she cried. "Don't try hiding your face. You know it was your fault! You made it so they'd want to go on the lake! Then you watched! You watched! You din't even try to hide behind a cloud! Now you try to play dumb! Fuck you! Fuck! You!"

Karen, her legs shaking, slipped through the secret entrance, now almost completely hidden by weeds, grass, wildflowers. She laid down in the spot where she and Lisa had embraced and kissed, where the roof broke open to drench them in rainwater, where she'd experienced the single most thrilling moment of her life, the place where she almost told Lisa, "I love you."

Now she clutched the bear to her face and said, over and over through her tears and sobs, "I love you, I love you."

When the well of her tears finally emptied Karen sat up. She wiped her nose on the back of her forearm. Her voice hitched and trembled and she said aloud, "Lisa, you din't tell me if we're being punished for being girls and loving each other. I promise not to be like that with another girl. I learned my lesson. Just you. Bye, Lisa," she said to the bear.

Karen stood up and made her way out of the secret, magic place. She looked up at the moon. "There. You happy now?"