A Tale of Revenge Ch. 14

Serena crouched down before him, a position Leonid recognized from when Emera had come to him during Anna's imprisonment. "Marek, you did what you had to do. If you had refused, Evo would have forced you to do it anyway. She will live, and learn to heal her body and her mind. You've given her that chance. Without healing she would have died days ago, you said so yourself." The older man looked mournfully at her. "I know you feel helpless, we all do, but we must be patient."

The man sighed again and looked back at Anna's sleeping face. "You would have thought that after all these years with Evo I would be more accepting of the damage our powers can do. But I held onto this idea that somehow, despite his use of it, my magic was incorruptible, that healing could never be used as a weapon. But then she came, and what they did..." Tears started down the man's cheeks. He put his head in his hands and Serena wrapped him in her arms as he cried.

Leonid watched the two of them as Serena consoled the healer. He knew the man's pain, as it reflected his own. Helplessness, he hadn't even considered it, but it was exactly what was eating him. For all the power he held over this sphere, he could do nothing more than these humans as they sat and waited for her to wake up. The pair finally gathered themselves and quit the room, and once again Leonid was left to his lonely vigil.

It could have been hours or days as time crawled along at an excruciating pace. Every time he turned to the window to see only an hour or two had passed he was sure it was some trick. The rays of the late afternoon sun fell obliquely into the room, illuminating the corner where Anna lay motionless. Leonid made his way towards her, looking into her face as the sun played across her skin, shining off the long lashes that rested on her cheeks. In sleep she looked so peaceful.

He remembered watching her in the bath, the same placid look behind her closed lids. It caused an ache in his chest, a desperate and impossible wish to reach back in time to that moment. If he had chosen to stay in the inn that night, if he had managed to explain himself before she left for the capital, if only. He could almost picture the happy picture she would make had he managed to avoid all of this mess. He turned away from her sleeping face. The regret was a searing agony during his wait, one he decided was a fitting punishment.

When he heard the soft sound of her voice, he thought he was dreaming it. Only when it was coupled with the sounds of her body shifting did he dare look back at her. She was sitting up, her dark hair tousled around her confused face.

"Leonid?" she said, her voice running over him like cool water. In an instant he was at her side. He brought his hand to her cheek and was gratified to feel her lean into his touch.

"Anna," the relief in his voice was so very human sounding, "Are you alright?"

She looked to him and nodded but he watched as her gaze swept around the room. He lowered his hand and took one of hers in it. Her face lost the peacefulness of sleep and her brow furrowed in confusion. "I am," she paused. She looked around the room, then down at herself, then to him. "No, that's not right. Is it?" She frowned again.

His heart squeezed. He had tampered with her mind and the thought he may have done more harm than good had kept him fretting for the last day and a half. "Do you remember me coming to you here?" he asked softly.

She nodded. "I came back here and Serena and Evo left with the Duke. I wanted to sleep," she trailed off. "Then nothing." But she sounded unsure. She looked back at him. "What happened?"

He wanted to smile and reassure her but he was not comforted himself. "Do you recall the last few days? Since coming to the capital?"

She nodded again. "I was with Dev. We found the soldiers and Orlith came and put the collar around my neck. I woke up back in the tower." She trailed off again, her eyes looking far past the walls around her. "Then Evo and the king and it becomes...unclear."

Anna tried to focus on her memories but she felt something cool shift against the skin between her breasts. She knew what it was before she reached for it. Dev. She remembered, but she didn't, she knew he was dead, that she had seen it, but it was like trying to look through troubled water—she couldn't make out exactly what had happened. Her fingers grasped the little bead as her eyes burned. He was dead and it felt like someone had shoved a knife through her chest.

"What did you do?" she asked quietly.

Leonid smoothed her hair, drawing her face up to his so he looked back into her dark eyes. "I created a barrier in your mind to bar the worst of these experiences. The memories are not gone but they are contained." Tears sparked in her eyes. Her head felt fuzzy, out of focus. The sensation was infinitely worse than the times they had erased her physical injuries. This was invasive to her core, a dissonance she found distressing; she could not reconcile herself with the reality she found herself in.

"Why?" she managed to whisper as her throat tightened with unshed tears.

"Your mind shattered, Anna." He said it so simply. She shook her head.

"I have no memory of that." But it made sense; she knew it. How many times had she flirted with the edge of her pain? How many times had she pushed it aside, intent and focused on what was ahead of her? It had never left her, it still hadn't. "It's still here," she said pressing her hand to her chest where it felt like some strange shadow had taken root.

His hand came and covered hers, soothing. "In time you will be able to face it. You have the choice to recall what I've clouded whenever you feel ready."

She didn't want to. "I can't."

Leonid's own chest ached for her. She was better than he had feared, but not fixed as he had hoped. He knew, of course, that she would not be. But some part of him had desperately wanted to be able to cure her without ever putting her through this pain again. Now was not the time for him to despair; he refocused on her.

He cupped her face in his hands, his skin hard and smooth against hers. "You won't succumb to madness again. You have withstood in a few months what most never have to face in a lifetime and you succeeded where many have failed. You should not doubt yourself."

She shook her head. This was all too much. "I'm hungry," she said noticing the pit in her belly was not entirely from waking up with swaths of her memory wiped away.

"You've slept for over a day," he said as he rose from the bed, extending his hand to her.

"A day?" She took his hand and let him lead her to a small table by the window, the evening sun illuminating the gardens below. "What of the others? What happened with the king? And Rafia?" She settled in the chair, a large tray of food set out before her.

He sat across from her and the soup began to steam. She looked at him and he gave her a small smile. "Eat, Anna, all is well. It is late in the day. The others have the situation well in hand." He gestured to her meal and so she set about eating, aware he was watching but having none of the control necessary to make it a more elegant process. "Serena and Wreg have managed to keep the council under control, they have had no warning thus far of Rafia's march which is underway. Marek has visited you and assured the others that you are simply exhausted and need rest."

"And Imonesh?" she said, her mouth half full with a roll.

"She is banned from this realm, her powers curtailed. You won't have to worry about her. The king's soul is gone, taken as punishment. His body is back in his chambers. The others found it and are keeping it hidden for now."

Anna nodded, relieved to hear that the world had not fallen to pieces. The news of the king's death settled strangely with her. She knew what had happened with him, she even knew she had been horrified and deeply violated but she could not feel it the same way she should have, as if it were a story that happened to someone else. What would it be like to reclaim the emotions she'd had at the time? She shuddered at the thought.

Leonid watched her carefully as she finished her meal. He was trying to be patient, to allow for her to come back to him on her own. He desperately wanted to have her in his arms again, but he could not force it this time.

Anna for her part was stranded in her own thoughts. Her head felt strange, the holes in her memory lurked just out of reach, as if she might fall into one, not knowing where they were. She knew but could not feel or recall her memories precisely. It was a strange sensation. She looked up at Leonid who was regarding her with patient consideration of his own. She frowned slightly, unsure how she felt about what he'd done to her.

"What is it Anna?" his voice rumbled, though she could tell he was trying to be gentle.

"Don't you know?" she asked, half to bait him but also because she was curious. "Aren't you inside my head? Don't you know my thoughts?"

Leonid gave her a small smile and shook his head.

"Why not? Wasn't that the bargain?"

"It seems that spending time inside your thoughts and with full access to your emotions has some unexpected consequences for me. I have to remain apart as much as I can."

Anna's eyes grew wide. There was something both thrilling and terrifying about the idea of her influencing him. She could almost feel the tipping of the scales in her mind, realizing she was not as powerless as she seemed. And yet he was trying to remain apart, to maintain the imbalance. "But you went and clouded my memories, regardless of the consequences." It both was and wasn't a question.

Leonid nodded. "That was necessary."

She looked away, still confused as to how she felt about him, her influence and most urgently, the holes in her memory. "I feel like pieces of me have been erased." She had no pain in her body, yet she knew she had been hurt. She felt the loss of her friend without the memory of his death. There was something so wrong in all of this. She twined her fingers in her long hair "I don't know if this makes sense. I know you did it to help, so did Marek, but," she looked up at him, hoping he might understand, "I don't feel fixed."

"You aren't, Anna." He got up and sat next to her, pulling her hands from her hair and grasping them in his own. "That will take time, and healing, the real kind, one that magic can't make right. There is a price to pay for healing your mind and body too quickly, for the use of magic instead of the natural pace of things. The Balance is precise, Anna, there is nothing free in power or magic, what you gain in time and healing you must pay for in another way. That can't be hastened."

Anna looked away from his shining eyes. She knew this, didn't she? She had seen what her power had done to her, how she had paid dearly for the abilities she had never earned. She'd led herself and her friend right into the belly of a most wicked beast and he had paid the ultimate price.

"But I'm still here, alive and somewhat sane, all due to magic. That seems unfair considering everything that's happened to others." A wellspring of feelings rose up inside her and she at once pushed them down. She did not like the implication that she had a long road of healing ahead of her. That road seemed fraught with more pitfalls, more pain. She didn't want to face it, any of it. Her face grew cold and she slipped her hands from his. She would lock it all away. He'd already started the process and she would finish it. She could know they were all dead, June, Dev, her mother and father and everyone else, and she could just refuse to feel sadness, or anything for that matter. And the madness would stay at bay, and her heart would continue its onward march and she would simply exist until she didn't anymore.

Leonid watched her face close off, the wheels in her head turning and coming up on apathy. He could almost understand it, but knew it could never be the ultimate solution. He took her hands again, pulling her gaze back towards him.

"Shutting everything out is not the answer," he said gently.

"It seems like the only reasonable one," her voice was miserable and flat.

Leonid brushed his fingertips along her cheek, watching her eyes as she leaned ever so minutely into his touch. "No, Anna, it's not."

He leaned in and kissed her softly, more aware than ever that he should not push her now, though part of him wanted to. While she may not remember, he was horribly aware of every blow she'd sustained this last week, every vanished mark on her skin, every piece of violence committed against her. It tore him apart in a way he couldn't fully understand. Part of him was desperate to reclaim her, to wash away all that had happened. But the other part understood his helplessness was driving his reason, and his guilt and sorrow did not outweigh her own.

Her eyes met his after he pulled away from the kiss. For a moment she searched his face and something like sorrow passed over her features. "You know," she said softly, her eyes not leaving his even as tears gathered. "You saw everything they did."

He nodded. Anna was shocked to see the haunted look in his eyes, one she recognized from Serena and Marek's faces. A great swell of emotion both heartrending and uplifting rolled in her chest. He'd been unable to stop it while Imonesh was in power, and he knew her pain. She could feel his anguish because it so closely mirrored her own, as if they held two ends of the same rope.

Without thinking about it she leaned in to kiss him, her hands coming to cup his face and pull him into her. She felt the same tug towards him that she had before, the same feeling of connection, as if he were an anchor in the whirling chaos around her. She understood why she pulled away when the others had hugged her—she wanted him to be the one who held her.

Leonid broke the kiss as she tried to deepen it and held her back. "Anna," he began but the look in her eyes stopped him. She was reaching out to him, asking him for comfort he had never given her, that he owed her. For too long he had left her to be tended to by others, intent as he was on pushing her boundaries and keeping himself occupied. He had neglected her, ignorant of the deep scars her emotions and experiences had left in her body and mind.

He stood and pulled her to him, wrapping his arms around her and holding her against him, their faces inches apart. A swirl of excitement unfurled in his chest as her eyes widened, the pupils dilated and her lips parted in a small gasp. He held her there, her hands resting on his arms, their bodies pressed together. He enjoyed the flicker of emotions that crossed her face, the visceral reaction to his contact. He dipped his head, running the tip of his nose past hers slowly, his lips hovering just out of reach. Her fingers tightened on his arms, a shudder ran through her body and her breath caught. His lips brushed hers so lightly it was hard to distinguish from a breath of air.

Anna responded, following him when he pulled back and kissing him more solidly. She was at once elated and conflicted by the feeling of his kiss. A bitter thought marred the sweetness of his touch, as if to say she shouldn't be feeling this way, that she didn't deserve it. But she wanted it, so much she could feel it like a physical need, pulling on her towards him. But even as her mind resisted, her guilt tugging at the desire to feel pleasure, her body complied. She relaxed into his kiss, allowed herself to be swept up in him. Her hands smoothed up his arms and clasped the back of his neck. His arms tightened around her, drawing her to her toes and pressing her flush against him. His control was soothing, releasing her from the turbulence of her considerations.

He kissed her in earnest this time and he felt the small tremor of hesitation in her touch, but she did not tense or pull away from him. He knew it was not rational, that he should end this but he found he couldn't bring himself to. Then she relaxed into his arms, her body molding itself against him and all thoughts of stopping vanished.

Heat rose in her belly. His tongue did wicked things to banish her thoughts. Her skin was aflame where it touched him. She made a small noise in the back of her throat, overwhelmed and still conflicted. Without loosening his hold, Leonid began to move her back towards the bed. His hands stroked down her back, grasping the flesh of her bottom before starting upwards again. Deftly he undid the belt that held the over-sized shirt secured to her body. The slide of fabric brought her back to her senses and she pulled her mouth from his. His fingers found her skin, sliding across her flank, leaving tingling wakes behind them.

"Wait," she started. His hands stilled as he grasped her ribs, his hand spanning her side. Her breath was fast and the movement of her chest became more obvious with the weight of his hold.

She was unprepared for the emotions painted clearly on his face. He wanted her, badly. But his brow was touched with worry; his eyes were fiercely protective. His thumbs moved slightly, stroking the skin just below her breasts so her breath caught. She wanted him to continue, needed to feel something good, reminded that the world was not as bleak as it seemed. But still she fought it. "I shouldn't, we shouldn't..." she started again.

Leonid stilled immediately, his eyes concerned. "Do you want this, Anna?"

"Yes," she breathed before she could stop and think. The word hung between them, a confession she hadn't meant to release. But should she want it? Did that matter? She held back from the truth of what she'd said, not withdrawing but not encouraging him either. He released his hold on her skin, which made her ache with the loss. She stepped into him, unwilling to lose contact with his body and his arms came around her.

"Is that wrong?" she whispered into his chest.

"I don't know," he confessed himself. "I find myself ill equipped to answer." She tipped her head back, looking up into his face and finding his expression honest, and somewhat perturbed. It struck her as funny that he could be confounded by something as commonplace as sadness or confusion.

The small laugh that escaped her took them both by surprise. She smiled at him and his surprised expression. He was there with her, finally truly there, not just some punishment or game, but holding her as though she were precious to him, as if he cared for her.

He leaned down to kiss her and there was no hesitation this time, instead she pulled herself into him, hungry for his touch. Leonid shoved his guilt away, refusing to let it interfere. Now he needed her pleasure as much as she did, he needed to know that after all she'd suffered he could still make her feel perfect and complete, even if just for a few seconds.

He pushed the shirt off her shoulders. His hands met her naked back and she shuddered again, He took her arms and wrapped them around his shoulders, bringing her close and pressing her naked breast into his body. The loose pants had barely held onto her with the removal of the belt, perched as they were at the curve of her bottom. A flick of his hand and they pooled on the floor next to the shirt.

Finally she was bare to him; he moved his hands over her, knowing where she was most sensitive, how to elicit the most delicious sounds from her. But it was a careful touch, one that could not ignore the damage that the flesh beneath his fingers had suffered. He wanted to feel her skin, unmarked and unblemished, and he wanted her to feel it too, to understand she was whole.

Anna was fast losing any sense of deliberate thought. She was sinking further into his hands, the tactile experience of touching and being touched, the thrill in pleasure and desire. The nagging voice that spoiled her thoughts, that told her she didn't deserve this, that letting him in would only bring heartache, that she was too damaged, was slowly silenced as all of her nerve endings chorused their approval. Her fingers twined in his hair as his lips continued their passionate kiss. She moaned into his mouth as his thumb slipped between their bodies, sliding along the sensitive underside of her breast.