Beau and Sweetheart of the Show

"What happened to her?!"

"Nope. I ain't going to tell you that. Not my place. But, will you do as I ask, Kurt?"

"Um, I'm really supposed to be in my room now," I said. "I didn't figure Mr. and Mrs. Buchanan would mind me being out to talk to you. But, I reckon they would frown on me and Pattie."

"I'll handle that if you're willing. Just as long as you two stay out here where we can look out the window and see you anyway."

"Alright," I said.

I wasn't sure I should agree. Everything Buck had told me had sent up red flags. My imagination leaped from scenario to scenario that might account for Pattie feeling threatened by a harmless kiss.

But, would it cause more damage for me to do what he asked or pull completely away as I was thinking? I didn't know. But, decided to be guided by the adult for at least one final time.

At his urging, I knocked on her outer door. Pattie opened it, still dressed thank goodness, although she'd washed her face and untucked her shirt.

"Oh, it's you," Pattie said. "I thought it would be Buck. What do you want, Curds?"

"I was wondering if it would be all right if I talked to you," I said.

"I don't know that I'm interested in anything you have to say enough to let you in my room," Pattie said. "So, if that's your game, good night."

"No, no," I stepped back and held my hands up. "Not in your room, no. Out here. Out by the pool, maybe. It's a nice night."

Pattie's eyes darted past me and then flickered back to my face.

"The operative there is 'night'," Pattie said. "As in it's late enough, we are supposed to be in our rooms."

"Right," I said. "You're right. But, I talked with Buck about it and he gave us permission so long as we stay where he can see us."

"Buck put you up to this?"

Well, yeah. He had. But, something told me admitting that would be the wrong decision.

"He gave me permission to see if you were willing to meet me in the middle," I said firmly.

Pattie cracked the first smile at the mention of "our song," but it faded quickly.

"And, if I'm not?"

"Then, I thank you for the most wonderful night of my life and walk away and leave you alone," I said. "And we never have to see each other again."

I waited for a long moment, just staring at Pattie as she stared back in silence.

"Okay," I nodded. "Thank you, Pattie. I'll never forget you or tonight. Have a good life."

I turned and made it as far as my motel room door.

"Damn it, that's not fair!"

"What?" I turned and looked at Pattie.

"Why does it have to be all or nothing?" Pattie asked. "Why can't we, I don't know, exchange addresses and maybe write to each other or something like normal people do? Why is that off the table if I don't think I want to come out walking in the dark with you tonight?"

"It's not," I said. "I didn't mean to imply it was. I just figured if you didn't want to talk to me tonight, you would probably rather not talk to me ever again."

"Why?" Pattie asked again. "Why does it always have to be all or nothing with guys?"

Check.

"It doesn't. Not with me. Which was one of the things I wanted to talk with you about. To try to figure out what you thought this was, how much you wanted it to be."

"I don't know, Curds. What do you think it is? What do you want it to be? Why did you kiss me?"

"Because I wanted to in that moment," I said calmly in the face of her rising hysterics. "I was having a really nice time dancing with you and you looked beautiful. That was all. I wasn't looking for more. I'm sorry you were looking for less."

"Bullshit!" Pattie snapped. "Bull shit. You're just saying that now because I pulled away. If I hadn't pulled away, you would have stuck your tongue in my mouth. If I still hadn't, I would have been pulling your hand off my ass or out from under my shirt! You're a guy! That's how you work! That's how you all work!"

"No, Helen, that's how girls work!" I shot back at Pattie, goaded. "You make nice with a guy until someone better, or at least richer and prettier comes along! Then you bounce him out to pasture no matter what he's done, what he's felt for you because that doesn't matter! It's just another notch in your lipstick case!"

"Who the hell is Helen?!"

"Crap," I sighed. "I'm sorry, Pattie. But, no. Not all of us are like that. I'm sorry. I should probably say goodnight and let you go to bed. I'm just making you mad when that wasn't my goal."

"Hang on," Pattie said, obviously fighting for calm. "Who is Helen? Why did you call me that?"

"Helen is... was my girlfriend for a long, long time," I said. "A few years ago, she took up with another guy for awhile and spent the last four bouncing back and forth between us. We broke up for the last time the evening before we came to Phoenix, so she could go to the dance tonight with him instead of waiting for me. Even though he screwed around on her last fall."

"So, what? Was tonight just kind of a rebound thing for you? Trying to get even with this Helen for being with that other guy?"

Well, that was a hell of a question and no doubt about it. Oddly, as the question she asked gave me pause, Pattie didn't seem too upset that might have been the case if it was. In fact, she almost looked relieved that might have been what happened.

"I don't really know, but I don't think so," I said slowly. "I mean, if it was, I should have thought of Helen. But, I didn't. I didn't think of her once all night. Not while we were dancing. And not when I kissed you. Not to compare the two of you. Not at all."

"So, you weren't wishing I was her?"

"Not at all!" I couldn't help but chuckle. "The thing is, Cow Pie, I had a better time with you tonight than I've ever had with Helen in the thirteen years I've known her. In fact... I think maybe, just maybe, that was why I tried to kiss you. Because I did have such a better time. And it seemed like I should at least give you what she took from me."

"I thought you weren't comparing us."

"I wasn't. Not consciously," I sighed. I could sense that no matter what I said, Pattie was spoiling for a fight.

How could I do as Buck bade me if Pattie wouldn't cooperate?

"Anyway, I can't apologize for the kiss," I said. "I don't regret it at all. But, I am sorry you took it badly. And I'm sorry I'm just making you madder now rather than fixing whatever problem I might have caused. Good night, Cow Pie. Goodbye. And thank you, again."

I opened the door and slipped inside before she could respond. Before I made three steps from the door, there was a furious pounding on it.

Jay, who'd been pretending to play cards with Eric near the window, bounced up and opened the door with a shit eating grin.

"You chicken-shit coward!" Pattie blasted me as she strode into the room. "I wasn't done talking about this, damn it! You say you want to talk, but then you walk away? What kind of chicken-shit bullshit is that?! And what the fuck are you smiling at, fucktard?!"

The last wasn't aimed at me, but at Jay who had been trapped between her and the door when she barged in.

"I was just thinking if this is foreplay, the sex is going to be really scary," Jay grinned.

Rather than kick him in the balls as the comment deserved, Pattie paled and stepped quickly back out of the room, before turning and breaking into a sprint.

"Nice," I said scornfully. "Well done shit-for-brains."

"What?" Jay blinked as I pushed past him. "What did I say? That was some funny shit. Right, Eric?"

"Fuck yeah, it was!" Eric managed through his laughter.

I didn't try to explain. There was no point with those two dickheads. Instead, I focused on trying to catch up to Pattie who for reasons that defied my understanding had darted towards the pool area instead of towards her room.

If breaking for the pool instead of her room hadn't made sense, what she did when she realized I was following was a whole different level of logic. Pattie ran over to the diving board and out over the water.

Now, it was Phoenix, Arizona. It was the desert. But, it was also February the 14th, for at least a little longer. And forty or fifty degrees might have been warmer than either of us was used to for the time of year, but it was still far colder than I would have wanted to jump in that pool. Or would have wanted to watch someone else.

"Stay back!" Pattie shouted. "I mean it! Don't touch me!"

I stopped moving and held my hands up.

"I'm not," I said. "I'm not coming any closer. See? I just wanted to talk to you. To apologize for numb-nuts back there. He's an idiot. And I really wasn't even thinking about sex or anything like that. I swear."

"Why not?!" Pattie spat. "You said I looked beautiful tonight. That's code for you want to fuck me, right? Or did you lie when you said it?"

I was getting dizzy with confusion trying to follow her twisted logic.

"I did... I do think you look beautiful tonight. But, no. Having sex with you never crossed my mind. We aren't married."

"Wh-what?" Pattie straightened and looked confused. "What does that have to do with anything?"

"Uh, being married and having sex?" I asked. "A whole hell of a lot, I would think."

"But, what about Helen?"

"What about Helen?"

"You said you'd been with her for thirteen years," Pattie said. "You mean you hadn't fucked her? In all that time?"

"Of course not!"

"Oh, my God! No wonder she dumped you for another guy!"

I paused and studied Pattie cackling for a long, fulminating moment.

"Lady," I said. "You are bat shit crazy. Certifiably nuts. Around the fucking bend and gone. First, you get all spooked I might be wanting to have sex with you. Then you say that's why Helen dumped me because we hadn't had sex. You flip out over harmless touching lips but think I'm nuts because I think without a ring, you don't get a thing. What is fucking with you?"

"The same thing fucking with all of us," Pattie said, her chuckles dying. "The past. You can't escape it, no matter where you go. You carry it with you, no matter how hard you try to leave it behind."

Again, there was that tantalizing glimmering of some hidden past. I had a feeling it was important to understanding Pattie. I wasn't sure I wanted to understand her. In fact, everything I was screamed for me to go get Buck and let him deal with it and try to forget this night, this week had ever happened.

"What happened to you?" I asked as I took a seat on one of the pool chairs and folded my hands between my thighs to warm them.

"What? Are you my new counselor?" Pattie asked.

"Nope. Just a concerned friend."

"Is that what we are, then?" Pattie asked. "Friends?"

"Well, I can't really answer for you," I said slowly. "But, right now, at this point in time, I think of you as my friend. That's subject to change without notice, say if you kick me in the nuts as an example. And I can't say what you think of me as."

"Is that what you thought of me as when you kissed me? A friend?"

"Well, no. Yes. No. Maybe. I don't know! You were a pretty girl who smelled good who I'd had a wonderful time dancing with for about three hours. If I had to do it over again right now, I wouldn't bring my lips anywhere near yours. Not unless you can tell me what the hell is going on, what this is about."

Slowly at first, but gradually picking up speed, Pattie told me a disjointed tale it was hard to keep track of. It was not unlike lancing a boil and watching the poison burst out and just keep coming and coming.

I have no idea how long I sat and listened as more and more bile that Pattie held as her past bubbled out, but there was no way it could have been less than an hour. Although it could not possibly have been the lifetime it felt. I very carefully did not move as I huddled there in that chair in the dark cool last vestiges of Valentine's Night.

I couldn't really tell if it was the same three guys who had treated her so badly or twenty-seven different ones or something in between as she skipped around in time. I did glean that what she had gotten in trouble for was killing her mother's boyfriend, which she probably wouldn't have since he was trying to rape her again at the time, and trying to kill her mother, who Pattie swore had known every time and done nothing to stop it.

I ached for the little girl and young maid she'd never had the chance to be. But, I didn't have the first idea what I might do about it as I didn't have a time machine to go back and castrate the fuckers before they ever saw her. All I could do was listen and be as non-threatening as possible, the latter not being my strong suit.

However, Buck was right. The same thing that worked with a skittish animal worked just as well on a troubled young human female. At least it worked on Pattie as she gradually moved off the diving board to sit on it and then rose to move to a closer chair and then a closer one still until she was sitting in the one next to me as she wound up her tragic tale.

When she was done, I waited and counted out thirty Mississippi silently in my head before I spoke.

"Well, I have to say, Cow Pie, that's a pretty rough row you've had to hoe," I said as gently as I could. "While I'm sorry as I can say for the pain you went through to get here, I can't say I'm sorry for anything that went into you being who you are and being here tonight with me. And I'll never be sorry you shared the story with me."

"God!" Pattie chuckled hollowly. "You sound just like Buck."

"I was trying," I admitted. "But, I mean it. Every word. But, that's pretty much where I come up dry. I still don't know how you want me to act, what would make you comfortable. And I don't know what to say, except maybe I still think of you as a friend. One I'm concerned about."

"Well, we're a mess then," Pattie said. "Because I don't know either."

"Well, I don't guess we have to figure it out tonight," I said gently. "Maybe we can trade addresses before we leave and we'll work it out someday."

"I would like that, I think," Pattie said softly.

"And on that note, I guess we should probably head in. It's a little cool to be sitting around in shirt sleeves."

"Pfft. This? This is nothing. We've still got four or five feet of snow back home."

"Well, still. When Buck gave me permission for us to talk, I don't think he meant it was okay for us to sit up until morning. So, we'd probably best seek our beds. Our respective beds."

"All right," Pattie said.

About halfway across the parking lot, I felt cold trembling fingers touch mine and paused. Pattie's hand was shaking like a leaf in the West Texas wind, but she took my hand in hers as I closed my fingers gently around it.

"Thank you for being my friend, Curds."

"That? Pfft. You make it easy, Cow Pie."

"Liar."

"Go get your beauty sleep, Cow Pie. Can't have you scaring the others in the morning."

Pattie gave a shaky laugh and pulled away to go to her room. When she turned to shut the door, she paused for a moment and looked at me watching her from where she'd left me before closing herself away from my sight.

I caught movement out of the corner of my eye and glanced over to see Buck's curtains twitch in his room. Well, if he wanted to know what went on, he could either ask Pattie or spit in the wind. It wasn't my story to tell.

Jay and Eric, strangely, had bedded down without the prompting of my fists. I noticed the time as I wondered about that and glanced to see it was five minutes short of midnight.

If I'd been home, I would have most likely been sitting on Helen's porch with her after the dance until her daddy came out to run me off. Those two knuckleheads would most likely have been somewhere with Keston boozing it up and egging cars. It was passing strange where we were and what we were doing.

And who I was thinking about.

I dug that damn ring out of my change pocket and looked at it. I'd bought it for Helen, but there was no way in hell I was ever going to give it to her. Old man Struve didn't take anything back, no matter what the reason. Ever.

I don't know. In my head, at the time, it made sense. That ring was a symbol of my own pain, nowhere near as tragic as the tale Pattie had gifted me with. And all it would ever bring me was more pain, so long as I held onto it and kept taking it out and looking at it. In a bizarre sort of way, it made sense to give it to Pattie. The same way she had given me her story. And hope that each of us could, just maybe, lighten the other one's burden just a little.

Before I could change my mind, I scribbled my address on some stationary along with the message, "wear this to remind yourself wherever you go and whatever is happening, someone out there somewhere gives a shit."

I opened the adjoining door between our rooms to slip the note, with the ring, under her door. But, as I bent down, the door opened from her side.

Pattie jumped and looked wild-eyed as I straightened.

"What are you doing?" Pattie asked.

"I was about to slip this under your door," I said. "It's my home address. And a... something to remember me by."

Pattie looked at the folded paper as I held it out to her, then shook herself and held out a folded piece of paper in her own hand.

"I was going to slip my address under your door," Pattie said. "But, just the address. No... gift or anything."

"I'll trade you even for the kiss I stole and the story you offered and your forgiveness," I smiled gently.

"Oh. Okay, then," Pattie laughed. "It's a deal. Although I think I got taken for a ride."

"Probably," I agreed. "Either the kiss or the story alone was worth more."

We exchanged papers and then both shut our doors. I would curse myself for a long time for not looking at the one she gave me before I slipped it in the change pocket of my jeans in place of the ring that was now gone.

Five o'clock in the damn morning comes awful early sometimes even when you're a farm brat that's used to it.

Buck, the overgrown cupid, had his gang up and moving when the Buchanan's sounded breakfast call.

Our groups ate together one last time. And for the first time, Pattie and I paid much more attention to each other than we did to anyone else there or our plates.

I was wearing my "Beau of the Show" belt buckle. Pattie was wearing hers that declared her "Sweetheart of the Show." But, more importantly, to me at least, that ring was on her pinky and a faint smile touched her lips and blue eyes.

Sooner than I was ready, or Pattie either I think, everyone else was done and it was time to hit the road home.

Stupid me didn't so much as check my change pocket for Pattie's paper she had given me until we were on the highway going east and they were headed northwest.

Only to find it wasn't there. I patted myself down and, for just a second, I wondered if it was in another pair of jeans. But, no. Those were the same ones I'd had on the night before. The same ones I'd left on the room floor beside the bed when I got comfortable before laying down in the bed.

I might have thought I'd just dropped it. Or it had fallen out and was even then sitting in the middle of the abandoned motel room. And I would have accepted that. I wouldn't have been happy about it, no. But, I would have accepted it. After all, Pattie had my address on the paper I'd given her. As long as she wrote me, I could write her back.

If she wrote without me writing first. Girls could be strange about that kind of stuff.

However, Eric leaned over the back of the seat I was sharing with Matt behind his sister and Dan (who he was pestering).

"Lose something?" Eric whispered quietly.

Just that. Nothing else. But, I knew as sure as God made little green apples, Eric, and maybe Jay, had somehow managed to get in my pants on the floor while I was asleep, or more likely in the toilet, and gotten that precious piece of paper out to fuck with me. Whether as payback for the beatings I'd given them or for, in their eyes, getting their leader sent back, or just because they were a pair of malicious shitheads.