Butterfly Spirits

"How did you convince me to be a pirate again?" Joel looked at the hastily put together costume he had laid out last night.

"Cause everyone expects pirates to curse and drink too much. We'll fit right in," Rod chuckled again.

They left the apartment early and stopped for breakfast at a café nearby to down a lot of strong black coffee and a hearty breakfast. Feeling immensely better they started the drive up to the plantation, Rainbird. Rod drove and Joel let his mind wander back over his stormy relationship with Cecilia for the millionth time.

The tires crunched down on the small pebbles of the part of the long driveway closest to the big house startling Joel from his thoughts. "This was a bad idea," he murmured.

"Need that cup of cement ya big wuss?" Rod chuckled.

"You have no idea how much," Joel grimaced. Rod parked the car around the back where he always had but a frantic looking older woman came to wave him away from his chosen spot. "But I always park here Pearl," Joel said plaintively as he got out of the car.

"Joel," the old woman exclaimed running around the car to embrace him. "Cilly will be so happy to see you."

"I doubt that," he murmured.

"What are you talking about? She always lights up when you're around," Pearl admonished him.

They walked into the house with their bags and Pearl fussed over them sending them up to their rooms. "Rod will have to bunk in with you Joel, we have quite a few coming for the party this year," she smiled crookedly and reached her hand up to his cheek, "I am surprised you didn't know how close Cilly and Miriam were, especially after..." she paused for a moment her eyes clouding over before pulling herself together, "after she came back from university."

"Seems there are a lot of things about Cilly that Joel has never known about," Rod chuckled and started up the stairs, "Don't worry about me Pearl, a piece of carpet and a pillow is all I need."

"Well hurry up, there is work to be done by big strong men like you two, no loafing around while you're here," Pearl went to the kitchen.

The men threw their bags into Joel's room and headed back down stairs, Joel tried to remember the last time he had arrived home and not been greeted by Cilly before all others. They went to work cleaning out the wide verandas and portico off the rear of the house. Within an hour the men had both stripped off their shirts and glistened with sweat in the high humidity of the tropical northern rainforests.

It wasn't until late in the afternoon that Cilly appeared on the rear veranda looking cool and comfortable in a plain white shift. Her face was fully made up and she smiled widely as they noticed her lounging on a deck chair watching them. "Pearl had told me how nice it looked out the back here this afternoon and must say it is quite a view from where I am sitting," merriment sparkled in her eyes, "I would hug you both for coming to help but I can smell you from here and don't want to get any closer."

"Must be knock off time," Rod grinned.

"I'll see about some beer if you take care of that odour," she wrinkled her nose.

Pearl came through the door as Rod rushed past her, in attempt to beat Joel to the big bathroom. She wrinkled her nose and looked at Joel, "You too," she pointed at him, "Shower and change before dinner."

"Yes ma'am," he saluted and walked up the two stairs to the veranda before turning to Cecilia, "It's good to see you Cilly," he smiled in a pitiful attempt to undo some of the damage from the scene on the dock.

"Thanks for coming, even if I had to get Rod to drag you here," she laughed lightly at the consternation on his face.

Studying her face he realised that she believed he still didn't know. He could faintly see the shadows under her eyes, hidden by the thick makeup and wondered if she was really in the clear as Rod had put it. "Guess I will go shower then, I could really use that beer," Joel said with a tight smile and walked into the house.

The foremen of the planation had arrived for dinner and were enjoying a beer on the veranda when the men came back downstairs. Pearl ushered them out the back door with beers in their hands. As dinner progressed and the hour grew late Joel found he was never left alone with Cilly and as the foremen left she excused herself and went to help Pearl in the kitchen. At some point she went to bed without saying goodnight and Pearl ushered the men upstairs to do the same.

In the middle of the night, Joel got up and walked down to Cilly's room. He listened quietly at the door before silently turning the handle surprised to find it was locked. His brow furrowed in consternation and he sighed too loudly hearing a stir from inside the room. He waited breathlessly for her to open the door as she would have in the past for him but there was nothing and after long minutes he returned to his own bed.

The following day people began to arrive, and as rooms and bedding and places to stay had to be sorted out Cilly always managed to keep herself surrounded by people. Joel too, found that he was constantly bombarded by relatives he had not seen for many years. It seemed a lot of his family had flown in from America for the party. To remember his mother at the time she enjoyed the most. Most of them chose to camp out in the large tents erected just outside of the circle that had been cleared beside the portico, only the elderly Aunties who had travelled badly compared to the younger contingent stayed in the big house. Most of the workers returned home for a long weekend of celebration leaving only a skeleton workforce including the three foremen and the bunk houses would be used for more guests.

Once again Joel and Rod were put to work, digging fire pits and other endless jobs that came with a gathering of this magnitude. Joel had not realised what a large undertaking Cecilia had put together for the party to honour Miriam. Throughout the day he attempted to find her alone so they could talk before the party preparations went into overdrive the next day, but they had both been kept busy by guests and preparations.

It was after lunch when Cecilia attempted to escape to the kitchen with Pearl again that Joel let his temper get the better of him. He stood and walked after them bursting through the door and glowering at the two women. "Stop hiding and talk to me. You wanted me to come home; well here I am, so stop running away already. I've been a complete bastard okay? Is that what you need to hear?" Joel voice was harsh but quiet. "I know Cilly, I know all of it so you can stop pretending you're fine and talk to me."

"Rod?" she asked softly watching him nod in return.

"I swear if that boy had half a brain he would be dangerous!" Pearl was clearly exasperated but made no move to leave the kitchen and let them talk.

"Well I can't go back and do it over, it is what it is. I'm fine now really, so you can either forgive me for not being with you when Miriam died or you can continue to hate me." She drew her shoulders back and inhaled deeply trying to look stronger than she felt. The fatigue from her treatments had been severe; the doctors suggested that it was not the treatments alone that caused it but rather the extraordinary circumstances in her life when she had been going through her surgery and treatment.

"You're not fine, blind Freddy could see that!" He took a step towards her and she took a step back holding up her hand.

"Don't Joel, just don't," She said quietly, and Pearl moved to stand between them.

"I just want to talk to you, properly, just us, the way we used to!" He said dangerously quietly.

"There's too much to do," she said and turned to move back toward the dining room.

Joel moved to block her way and picked her up, "We will be upstairs until she tells me exactly what happened," he said to a startled Pearl. "I am not going to hurt her." He bounded out of the kitchen and up the wide staircase depositing her in their parent's old room, neutral territory.

"Why are you doing this?" Joel almost shouted as he slammed the door closed and put her down.

"Its tradition, our family has hosted this party for the last twenty years. Halloween is nothing in this country except in our tiny piece of it. Your mother did that. Created this festival and invited others to share it. It's a part of her I can keep alive!" Tears were forming in Cecilia's eyes. "If I had not been so lucky would you have sent my spirit off with the morning star?"

Joel recoiled as if slapped. The ceremony of course that's why she was doing it, to say goodbye as his mother wanted them to, just like they had for Cecilia's father. Here before him was the one woman he truly loved. He had almost lost her without even knowing it. How could he answer her question, "You broke it off with me!" he almost shouted in response. "You ran away without a word when Miriam was dying. What was I supposed to think or do? You should have told me! What if you had died with me believing you no longer loved me or wanted to be with me?"

"I left because I did love you. I didn't want to put you through everything all over again. You had enough to deal with," She had begun to cry now and sagged onto the bed.

"It wasn't your decision to make, I wouldn't have stopped you going and I would have made sure someone was there with you for god's sake. You didn't have to do it all alone! You are so fucking stupid sometimes. How many times do you have to put that knife in my chest and twist it, you think I preferred heart ache over knowing what was really going on, I loved you with everything I had and you threw it away for my own benefit? Fuck! Do you know how stupid that sounds right now?" he was seething with bottled up rage and he turned and stalked to the window.

Cecilia had no words. It had seemed like the right thing to do at the time. "It wasn't as easy as you make it sound. I didn't want to leave you, I had to go. I loved you too much to make you go through all of it a second time."

He returned and sat beside her holding her to him, "Don't you see, I would have rather gone through it a million times than believe you didn't care about me anymore." He lowered his head to kiss her. The kiss became deep and passionate, his hands moving from her back to stroke up her side but she broke away quickly, her hands pushing on his chest putting distance between them again. He was confused and tried to pull her back into his arms but she stood up and walked to the door.

Turning to look at him at the last moment, she said softly, "I will always love you Joel, but it's different now, I can't be that same girl you once knew," she opened the door and walked out. He sat with his head in his hands trying to work out what just happened. Then the door opened again and Pearl stepped in closing it softly behind her.

She walked over to where Joel sat and stood with her hands on her hips, making him look up and growl, "I didn't hurt her, and it's the other way around."

"I heard," she admitted to eavesdropping easily feeling it was her right to make sure they did not kill each other. "Now it's time for you to listen to me, because I love you both." Joel was startled but said nothing. "She didn't go far, she was in Cairns Base hospital, if you had wanted to find her and get her back, be there for her, you could have asked Miriam or me we both knew but you were so wrapped up in your own heart ache and grief you just let her go without fighting for her. You could have seen how sick she was at the funeral like most people did and asked her then what was going on but you chose instead to be cruel and heartless." She let her words sink in as he stared at her open-mouthed.

"In all the times she has stayed away from you over the years have you ever sought out answers to why? Why she didn't go back to university? Why she stayed here on the planation? Why she gave up the things she loved? You accuse her of breaking your heart and maybe she could have been more forthcoming with her reasons but your own self-pity and temper tantrums let you believe her flimsy excuses without looking deeper each time. You have no one to blame for your heart ache except yourself." Pearl continued to lecture him giving him some truths about Cecilia's actions that he would never have heard from the woman who loved him. When she was done and he was crying silently she stood up.

As Cecelia had done she stopped at the door to the room and looked back at Joel with a grim look and said quietly, "Now that you know all of the facts if you ever accuse her of being selfish and cruel again I will cut your balls off with a rusty knife." She left, leaving him stunned and saddened that he had not looked beyond the obvious.

He lay back on the bed and closed his eyes searching his memories and finding all the tell-tale signs that everything Pearl had said was true. He truly was a self-obsessed shit it hadn't occurred to him that anything was amiss each time she drew away from him. He went back to the window and looked down on the preparations for tomorrow night's celebrations and realised something was missing, something vitally important to the whole reason for holding this in Miriam's honour. Something he could give Cecilia to show the depth of his regret for his own stupidity. He went to find Rod.

Another hour and several phone calls later the two men walked into the kitchen, "Something's come up," Joel announced, "We have to go." The look of horror on Cecilia's face was mirrored on Pearls as they turned and walked towards the front of the house.

"Wait!" It was Cecilia that ran after them once she recovered, "Please don't go."

"We'll be back in the morning, for the whole Halloween and Morning Star thing," Joel grinned, "It's not nice when you only hear half the story is it," he chuckled and Rod looked apologetic.

"It's okay Rod, we don't blame you," Pearl said from behind Cecilia, "Joel's been perfecting being a shit for years now." Rod's laughter rang out.

Joel bent to kiss Cecilia's cheek brushing his lips up to her ear, "I'll be back I promise."

*****

Dusk approached and Cecilia stood in front of her many guests and smiled, "Thank you all for coming. It is with great sadness that I stand here instead of Miriam with her great love of this holiday but I thought it only fitting that we gather once again and remember her as we will for as many years as I can manage it." She stopped and looked around at the sea of faces surrounding her.

"There is a Dreamtime tale from the people of Arnhem Land which for our American visitors is a long way from here," she acknowledged them with an incline of her head, "That Miriam liked so much she began incorporating it into our celebrations of Halloween. I do not truly know it except for its essence so I have managed to convince a small dance group to travel the long distance to join us here and tell this story of the spirit world."

A single elder from the Yolgnu people stood between four musicians telling the story of Bunimbirr and to the sound of bimli and boomerangs being used as clap sticks, and a dijeridoo they began to kick up the dust from the ground beside the portico in a dance to bring on the dusk and eventual evening.

Encouraging everyone to join the celebration modern music laid over the traditional and the combination of Halloween celebrations began in earnest. Joel had never seen so many people at one of their celebrations and marvelled at how Cecilia had pulled it off. Smiling he joined in the dancing and kicking up the dust in the dancing circle. The melding of cultures was wonderful as the elder laughed and joked with old men dressed as cowboys and soldiers. Children ran between the legs of the adults, trick or treat party bags clutched in their hands from an earlier treasure hunt. A large buffet dinner was assembled with large spit roasts at the ends of the long tables, one kangaroo, the other pork and both Joel and Rod helped out in the bar which became more of a free for all as the night went on.

Aside of the initial dancing with the elder Joel left Cecilia to her hostess duties watching how Pearl and several friends often guided her to a chair to rest, not that she ever sat for very long. It was getting later when he finally approached her after she had been made to sit once again.

"You haven't eaten, I know because I have been watching you flitter about all night like Madam Butterfly, come get something to eat with me, just a little you'll feel better for it," he smiled and held out his hand as her friend looked horrified.

"You told me you had eaten already," her friend gasped, "Go get something right now! I don't want to be on Pearl's bad side when you feint from exhaustion."

Sighing heavily, Cecilia gave Joel a cold look and ignored his hand as she got up from the chair. She started to walk towards the buffet and he took her hand ignoring her attempts to pull away. "So I am thinking roo burgers," he smiled and grabbed a plate passing it to her free hand and taking a plate of his own without letting go of her other hand. He placed a small roll on her plate and a larger one on his, where he placed minimal lettuce tomato and onion on hers, he heaped his high, and he layered meat onto his roll while placing a small sliver on hers. Satisfied he led her to a small table in a secluded corner near the big old eucalypt tree.

"I made this booking a week in advance, hoping you would agree to dinner." He helped her with her chair and sat opposite lighting the small pumpkin shaped candle between them. "It's so hard to get a table in this restaurant at this time of year." Cecilia grinned but said nothing picking up the small roll in one hand and taking a small bite.

Joel made small talk about how she managed to get the elder to come all the way here. He asked about how she had managed to get so many of his American family to come. He was truly amazed at her ingenuity and attention to detail. Sitting in the semi secluded corner of the area they were mostly left alone until a frantic Pearl found them.

"Oh, good you ate something," she said breathlessly.

"Made her one of my famous roo burgers," Joel laughed, "She liked it so much I was going to get her another one."

"Actually, I should get back to the guests. You're right I feel much better thanks," she leaned a hand on the table to stand and Joel reached across and took it.

"If you're going to make it through to concluding ceremony which you have to know is expected now that you have an elder here, you will need to eat more than that, I will pick you up for dessert in an hour or so okay?" he winked at her, "We'll share a tower of terror."

"We'll see," she said laughing and went back to the party and the guests with Pearl admonishing her for disappearing.

Joel continued to watch over her as the night wore on and true to his word as the night grew late he saw her falter and sit with friends. He moved towards her and held out his hand, "I believe we have a date with dessert?"

This time she took his hand and moved away from her fussing friends toward the dessert table with him. She laughed as he built his tower of terror for them on one plate using mud cake, pavlova, passionfruit cheesecake, lamington fingers whipped cream and nuts. Taking two spoons he led her back to the table they had sat at earlier and passed one to her. Once again he made small talk and asked about the wiccans who had insisted everyone join hands at midnight and dance around the fire as they chanted some obscure thing.

She had laughed, "The spring equinox or something, they welcome new life after the death of winter. It's all part of a multi-cultural Halloween. Apparently down on the sunshine coast there is a multicultural Halloween festival every year that they usually go to. It sounds wonderful I think I would like to go one year." Cecilia looked thoughtful, "I am sure Susannah will love it tonight and tell the organisers about our little celebration. Though I am not sure what the elder would make of the medieval displays or the church of barbarians that celebrate at that one every year, with the Wiccans." She laughed loudly, "Come to think of it I am not sure what they would make of him either."