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Cancer Fucking Sucks

This is was not written to motivate or dishearten anyone, I wrote it to get what I am feeling off my chest. I have no writing experience. I am not American or British so excuse the errors.

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I've been spending every waking moment for the past few months trying to convince myself that I'm not a waste of space or as I have heard a oxygen thief. For years I convinced myself that I am something, that I can be someone. Not anything special, definitely not happy but I can be someone that closely resembles "normal". Normal to me is having the ability or rather opportunity to make a life for myself. Normal for me, is not being forced to live your life by the rules your body limits you to because of the ridiculous amount of sickness if has been subjected to.

I don't know what is the purpose of me writing all this down, all I do know I need to get it out, before I completely lose my mind.

I've reached breaking point. I've reached the edge of sanity. I'm in constant battle with my mind to end the pain. Some days all I want is it to end my life then some days I am scared out of my mind of the end.

If I ever published whatever I'm writing down, I've often wondered if I should be totally honest and use my real name and let people know who I really am, but most often than not I come to the conclusion mostly from experience that we live in a cruel world with cruel people and although there will be a certain amount of people that will sympathize and understand me, I know there will be an equal amount of people that will laugh, tease and ridicule me for being dealt a hand a life that I hand no say in receiving.

So if by some chance people actually take some time to read this, I should start at the beginning to give you readers an understanding as to why I come across as a depressed, lonely and sad man. Just to confirm I am depressed, lonely and a sad man.

I have survived cancer, when all hope was lost I somehow survived....How I wish I died.

I was born on 25 December 1984, in a country most famous for apartheid, unfortunately then not white and unfortunately now not black.

A few months after being born I was diagnosed with testicular cancer, which from what I hear is quite unusual in a child. Doctor's began to put together a plan to counter the cancer. I spent years in a hospital room, going through chemotherapy and radiation treatments. All these years later I can still get the taste in my mouth of the medicine I was given before chemo in those days.

I'm no writer, I have no experience writing. I'm just trying to tell my story so please forgive me for being all over the place.

Until I was 8 years old I remember I had a chemo catheter in the right side of my chest. Still have the large scar to prove it, my parents also kept that catheter for many years after the fact as some sort of reminder to the great miracle I received. The cancer spread during this time, to my left kidney. All hope was lost. My parents tell me that many times they were told by the doctors that they be prepared that I only have a few months left.

After intense treatments and many surgeries I survived cancer, I became the miracle child of my family and the local community, even made the newspaper. Jesus healed me they said, he answered our prayers. What a load of bullshit. The cost of this miracle was a kid losing his right testicle and losing his manhood before he even knew what it meant to be man. A dead left kidney and years of his childhood spent in a cancer ward instead of growing up like every other normal child. But I survived, that's got to be better than dying.

I thought this was the end, maybe I could now have a normal life. I was so wrong.

I was not always depressed, lonely and sad. After surviving the cancer, life was kind of good for a while.

I have an amazing family, and amazing friends that have stood by me through so much.

If I have to write a story about my entire life it would probably take years to finish. The point of writing this is just to get what is happening to me now off my chest. Maybe if people read this, get some advice, maybe gain a new perspective. Maybe someone reading this can help me snap out of it.

Fast forward 20 plus years after surviving, I am now faced with the following

Radiation damage to my spine, L1 -- L5 fused together (spinal stenosis). My spine is bent the opposite way a normal human spine should be. Treatment is surgery which is not advised because according the specialist this will lead to surgeries to repair for the rest of my life or a 50/50 chance the surgery could cause permanent paralysis. I always knew I had a spinal issue, it never really bothered me growing up. I couldn't really play sport or carry anything heavy, and I walked funny but I was able to live somewhat of a normal life until about 3 years ago when my feet started getting swollen and so painful that I couldn't walk for hours and I use to cry in pain until pain medication gave me some relief. Went to orthopedic specialist to specialist, no one could figure out what was the cause of this problem, however it was determined that it is not only the spinal stenosis that is causing this issue, a neurosurgeon after doing a nerve test that this may be vascular.

So off to the supposedly best vascular surgeon in the country, turned out to be a money hungry asshole because as soon as I told him I don't have medical aid (medical insurance) he sent me to a public hospital where he would come and see me for free, I waited 8 hours at that hospital he never pitched up. If any South Africans reading this maybe you can vouch for me when I say the public hospital system is horrendous and that's me being kind.

I then went to another supposed best in the country vascular surgeon in another province, and this guy I respect. He actually took the time to check my case and do a full test on me. Deep tissue or vein scan or something like that, basically used a special ultra sound machine to check if there was blood flow to my legs.

Prognosis being there is sufficient blood flow blood the problem is not my legs but my main artery near my heart that supplies blood to my legs that is damaged, and a stent surgery will not work because its to thin. Recommended replacing the veins from my main artery all the way to my legs, cost about $50 000, which in my country probably meant me selling everything I owned (which was not much) and my parents selling there house to afford this (which they were willing to do so). I was prepared to live like this because although I had sudden bouts off leg swelling and extreme pain I was still a functioning human being, I was working, living on my own and had a fairly ok life and I was not willing for my family to make this sacrifice for me, because through my whole life my family had its own issues to deal with. My dad lost his business when I was sick as a baby, we lost everything and had to start over just after I was "cured" it took him 15 years for hard work and sacrifice upon sacrifice for us to finally recover financially.

So about a year passes by and I am managing to live with this pain, going through pain and anti-inflammatory medication by the ton and now on crutches, but I couldn't give up I was determined to make it through. A normal day at work and all of a sudden I get this sharp pain on my right side, now I have become quite adept at living with pain so I didn't think much about think, took some pain meds and carried on, but the pain didn't stop and gradually got worse, my then boss noticed my discomfort and immediately sent me to see a GP/MD. As usual gave her my whole life story and current medications I am taking and she determined it could be my kidney, I was ask to do a urine test which indicated there is in fact a kidney infection but blood tests are needed to give a proper indication to what could be wrong. Cut a long story short, stage 4 chronic kidney disease, my one and only kidney is on its way out.

I was referred to a nephrologist who I also have much respect for because she didn't just treat the symptom, she tried to find the cause and she came to the conclusion again that it's a vascular problem, she referred me to another vascular surgeon who actually turned out to be the best in the country. He agreed to an emergency consultation although there is a 2 year waiting list to see him. I was getting progressively worse by the day. My kidney was failing and I was going to end up in a wheel chair soon enough. He takes one look at me and says he thinks he know what's the problem but cannot say for sure if it will fix me but should make some difference. After another ultra sound he found a large tumor on my parathyroid gland, turns out there were 4 tumors and one of them were in fact malignant, so they were removed and I seem to be cancer free.

But my legs got worse, I cannot walk without crutches, the pain is just as intense and I cannot live on my own anymore. So I am now a 33 year man living with his parents, who has lost everything including my will to live.

I know what people will say, "there are people worse off than you" blah blah blah.

This is my current situation, One testicle, damaged spine, fibrosis of organs, damaged main artery, one kidney which is currently failing, cannot walk, in constant pain, stomach wall damaged ( I have half a belly), cannot work so I am broke and living with the guilt that I am a burden to my family.

I can deal with being alone, I have never had a relationship, I am too ashamed to try and its not like people find me attractive. I am and always have been a good friend to girls never more. I have always been able to live with that. I have no self-confidence which many people do not have and that's okay. I think most people pretend just like me, and if it works for you then so be it. What this life has thought me is who the hell am I too judge anyone.

I am expert liar, I have become an expert in making people believe that my life is awesome, most people I think are the same pretending to be something there not. But what I cannot live with is being a burden to my family, I cannot live with not being able to be a functional human being.

In truth I am just tired of being, I want out of this life. I want out of the pain, I want out of the lying and pretending.

Fact is I am a loser, I will never find love, I will never have a family of my own, I will never find success no matter how it is measured. I look around and everyone that I know, their moving forward. I hate that I am envious of my own brother and sister whom are 6 and 8 years younger than me. Successful in love and pursuing a life that will bring some sort of fulfilment. It makes me hate myself because I know the struggles they have went through and hurdles they have overcome to get here. How can one be so proud of them and envious at the same time. Like I said, I am a loser.

I don't think I am brave enough to end it by my own hand, I always judged people that tried to successfully ended their own lives and although I cannot see myself taking my own life, I understand the compulsion too. I spend hours in a day contemplating doing it but I cannot hurt my family in this way. They have sacrificed too much for me.

My death will come soon enough though. I was told that my kidney will give up in a year or 2 (that was a year ago). I am not a viable candidate for a transplant because of all of the above. Dialysis will only work for so long and who has the money to pay for it anyway.

So that's my story, I have doubts that anybody will read this, but if you do my advice is don't give up without a fight. I have fought hard but I am done, I am tired and there is no fight left in me.

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