Caroline Alone Ch. 03

***

Caroline was determined to work on her relationship with Jack. She was far from the ideal, as she had expressed it to herself, of keeping her two lives in balance. Jack had slipped far off centre and she had to pull him back.

She avoided excessive familiarity, but dressed carefully for his return at the weekend, smiled welcomingly and made a point of touching him as many ways as she could get away with -- on his hand, his arm and shoulder. But no kisses or sexy embraces which he could use to push her away.

"It's fun to be together again," she told him. "We know one another so well. We have so much to talk about and I'm worried we're drifting apart. We must both work hard to make sure that doesn't happen. I'll arrange things so that we have as much time together as we want. I've done everything I can to protect what we have."

"Damien not getting any this weekend?"

"Not this weekend. I'll be honest. Damien knows we have our fling when you're busy and won't miss out. Our life can be as it was before."

"You're having a fling?"

"Not a fling. I love Damien. I'm not deceiving you, but it doesn't affect me and you."

"You weren't being dishonest all those months when you hadn't told me -- when you were fucking Damien to find out whether it was serious and I was going to work thinking I had a loving wife who spent too many late nights working hard?"

She was silent, saying eventually: "You're clever with words. You can always make me seem in the wrong. But Damien and I love one another very much and you can't twist things to make that seem bad. I wish there was a way to show you what a good man he is. You'd not be jealous if you saw what it is that makes me love him."

"It's not just fucking then?"

"We don't fuck, we make love." She began to cry -- another novelty, but not necessarily unscripted. Dabbing her eyes with a tissue, she said, "I didn't mean to talk about me and Damien. I know it's painful for you. I wanted this to be about us. I love you; you know that, and you know how much I care for you. There's no point in punishing me. Maybe what's happened doesn't seem fair to you -- it's not what you signed up to when you married me. But neither did I. The unexpected happens. I'm as surprised as you and I need your help. Damien is a special man and I can't behave as if we never met. He's part of my life and we have to work out how to deal with the consequences."

"What do you suggest? That you're my wife four days a week and Damien's the other three? Or the other way round. You've been with me a long time, so Damien has some catching up to do. I'll give him the extra day."

She shook her head, new tears falling, and he went to make coffee. When he came back, he saw that Caroline wanted to try something different too. She sat beside him on the settee.

"Darling, this isn't going well. We need to work at understanding one another. Stick with me. We need a better plan."

"You work at it. You and your sweetie. I'm sure you'll come up with another plan, like the one about telling me I'm superseded."

"No Jack, that's never been true. Our marriage is worth fighting for, but you act as if you don't care. That makes me very sad. I'm sure if you think about it you'll admit you could have done more to stop me falling for another man. We need to be together more."

"You mean if I hadn't gone off mountain climbing when you told me not to, when I had to work and you were stressed, when I refused to do what you wanted. You mean if none of that had happened you wouldn't have needed to take a lover. Fine. I get it."

She flushed. "I told you, it wasn't planned. I didn't go looking for a lover."

Three months before there had been a huge problem between them. For months he'd been asking her where she'd like to go for a holiday and she'd been unwilling to agree to anything. Now he knew that was because of Damien but at the time he imagined it was because she didn't like the places he wanted to visit. Eventually he'd given up and booked a holiday to do what he wanted alone. She'd been furious, complaining about the childcare, but he'd gone anyway, walking and climbing in northern Greece.

She was silent, then brightened up and looked at him again. "I understand how much pain this has caused you. You think it's because of the sex but it isn't. That's your stupid vanity. I can't deny Damien sex because I love him and it's part of my expression of what I feel. It's only like having a good meal with someone. You dress up to add to the occasion, to savour the moment. And you can enjoy a business meal as well as one with someone you love. I love Damien and we want to give one another pleasure. Sex is a way of showing how we care. I adore it because I adore him. I want to be perfect for him, but only because I love him so much."

Now she was pleading with him, pleading to be allowed to explain, to declare her love and have him bestow his approval.

"Please listen to what I say. I love you too. I do. Just as much as I ever did. I have a huge capacity for love -- far more than most people. Damien changes nothing with us. I'm your wife and share your life and I love you. I know you better than anyone and I know we need one another. Damien will never be in the way of that. I'll make sure. Now I want you to come to bed. I hate you sleeping away from me. You can't be comfortable on the settee and it only makes me feel bad."

"You may be right. I'm a limited lover in every sense. Small capacity for love; limited in bed; and make you feel bad. I see it now. Strange, but I can't sleep beside a wife who's dreaming of her lover."

"Please. It's important. I want to be with you. To show you my love."

"Why? You imagine I want to sleep with you? Don't you know me at all? You think I want to sleep with a woman who's just fucked another man? If that's what I liked, I'd find a whore."

She flinched. "That's a horrible thing to say."

"What a horrible thing to do. Anyway, I appreciate your directness. Be thankful for mine."

"Must I apologise again? I meant to act for the best. Sex mustn't get in the way of anything."

"Don't worry, it won't. It's not going to happen between us. Ever."

Their eyes met and he was gratified to see that at last he'd cut through her make-believe. She put down her wine glass and stood up.

"How can you spoil everything when I made such an effort?"

"You're right. I'm such a bastard. But don't worry about me. I've made lots of friends and the University, some special. I'll not suffer."

He said that to give one back for Damien but realised in the instant of speaking that it was true. Hazel was very special. Just thinking of her made him feel better.

"This isn't what I wanted to happen."

"You'll get over it. I have. I don't even think about Damien these days."

She stormed out of the room and he was running again, running like he had never run before -- dead, bloodless, inspired.

Another weekend she came to him flustered and angry.

"My dad rang and said they called when you were here. Did you speak to them?"

He nodded.

"You did tell George they couldn't come tomorrow? We can't have my parents upsetting things, especially now we're getting on together so much better than we were."

"Of course I said they could come. I like your parents, they're good fun and I don't want them to be disappointed. You'd already told them they could stay and I see no reason to renege on the invitation."

She was furious. "Don't be obtuse. That was before you went to Brighton. You know why they can't come. I suppose you intend to continue this charade of sleeping on the settee, and what will they think?"

He shrugged. "Are you afraid of the truth? They're grown up. Let them come to their own conclusions -- or you can explain the sleeping arrangements. See whether your mother thinks your two-men-in-a-marriage arrangement is so very sensible. I'm sure they'll understand. Or are you afraid George will decide his darling daughter is behaving badly?"

She was grim. "That's a very selfish attitude and I think you're trying to punish me. If you won't do what's necessary, I'll put them off. But why should they have to suffer?"

"You're right. It doesn't seem fair. Perhaps you should tell Damien it was all a mistake, that mummy and daddy wouldn't approve."

"And I'm worried about sex," she added. "It would be good for other reasons if you shared my bed."

"Isn't Damien giving you enough?"

"Don't be crude. I'm thinking about you. It's not good to be without."

"How do you know what sex I'm getting?"

She looked at him hard. "I assume that as you refuse to be with me, you're getting nothing. If you're sleeping around, I think you should tell me."

He smiled back at her. "You mean, in case I pass on some nasty disease. But don't worry, I shan't wait more than three months before letting you know I'm cheating. Isn't that what you did to me? In any case I shan't be fucking you, so don't worry, you're not at risk of any contagious diseases from me."

"I'm not sleeping around," she murmured. "I'm only with Damien and we love one another. You don't risk anything with me."

"Strangely, it's a matter of whether I accept your word -- or Damien's. You're sure he's not got a string of compliant mistresses, a man with a proven record of chasing married women?"

She slammed the door and went to bed. For the first time in a long while, Jack considered he had won an important victory. But the next morning she came into the sitting room and was contrite.

"I'm sorry about last night. It's just that I don't want to upset my parents. They're very old fashioned and conventional and won't understand if they find you ostracising me and sleeping on the settee."

"They'll understand exactly. And anyway, you're not worried about them being upset. You're worried they'll be upset with you. And if they're upset isn't that because you've done something you know will upset them? Tell them the truth. Tell them you cheated and that you've got a lover and that we're separated. They'll cope much better knowing the truth than with your lies."

She was bewildered. "But we're not separated. Why do you say that? It's just that you have to work away from home in the week. That's what I told them."

"We don't live as husband and wife, therefore we're separated."

"We're making this work. Don't dare say anything so wicked to my parents. In any case I've got something arranged with Damien when they want to come. So it's not convenient. They have to cancel."

"Not a problem. I told Stella I'll look after them if you're busy. She said how much they're looking forward to coming."

"You bastard." There were tears in her eyes. "You're doing this to screw with me. I'm meeting Damien tomorrow as I'm sure you've guessed. It's his birthday and we planned to go to the theatre and a meal a long time ago. That's why I didn't want my parents to come this weekend. Please, instead of making things difficult for me just mind your own business and stop making everybody unhappy."

He shrugged, angered by her manner. "I like your parents. They're decent people and the children are looking forward to seeing them. I'll tell them I'll meet them with the children in town for a meal. So it's my business, not yours. Then they're going shopping. Bring Damien along if you want when you've done humping. Introduce him to your parents and make him a proper member of the family. If he's so much in love with you he must be dying to meet the parents."

She looked tired as much as angry and did not reply. For once he slept soundly on his narrow couch.

Caroline used the time when the children were staying with Jack to rebuild her relationship with Damien. She would go to his house after work and stay the night. They cooked together and ate while listening to music. Afterwards they made love. It was a beautiful arrangement, but it soon became clear to Caroline that Damien was reluctant to do this more than two nights a week. It wasn't that he had other things to do; just that he liked his own company and was bored if she was around too much. It was why he remained a bachelor, she supposed; he simply wasn't the marrying kind.

"It's okay," she assured herself. "This is what I wanted. I don't want to marry Damien and it means there's still a chance to reconnect with Jack. When our new life settles down he'll be grateful for how little time I spend with my lover."

But for now she was left with evenings and nights alone at home, which were miserable. However long she delayed leaving work, there was nothing to look forward to but a cold house, nobody to cook for, and an empty bed. It made the evenings with Damien even more precious.

When Sunday came and she'd spoken to nobody all day, she moped about the house tidying the kitchen, watching soaps on television and thinking about dinner. Her excitement grew as it was time for her family to arrive. Jack had promised to get home in time for dinner, but it was seven before they arrived, tired from their journey and hungry. She hugged and kissed her children, smiled at Jack and touched his arm.

"I'm so pleased to see you Jack. I hope the children have been good and you've enjoyed your time."

He nodded, pulling away. "And you too. I know it's tough managing the children on your own and you must be grateful for the break."

"Dinner's ready. I love it when you all come home. I want you to be here always. It's so nice to cook for you Jack. You always appreciate your food."

He sat with them and ate a little, but did not pretend he was enjoying the meal. She'd made a stew because it was cheaper than buying a joint of beef. The children enjoyed it but it wasn't the same as the Sunday roasts they used to have. She'd thought of buying wine but decided it was better to let Jack see her poverty. If he wanted wine he could bring some.

Conversation was mostly with the children. They told her about the picnic with Jack's friend Hazel and how Hazel knew how to make delicious pizza with tomato and olives and herbs, but no cheese because she was a vegan. Caroline couldn't believe the effect this conversation had on her. It was as if she'd been replaced as wife and mother without any discussion.

"I can make pizza too. I'm just too busy. And mine would have cheese. Don't pretend you don't like cheese."

"Hazel's are good all the same. She doesn't eat cheese because they kill the male milk calves at birth. I think that's disgusting. But I'll eat cheese because I like it and when I'm grown up I'll stop them killing the calves."

"It's silly to have fads about food. You should eat what's put in front of you," said Caroline. "I don't think Hazel can know much about bringing up children."

"She's fun and Dad likes her and I like her," said Ben. "But she's useless at football."

"And she's my friend because she's good to Daddy," said Amy. "He takes her running and she makes him laugh. And she's helping me with my art project for school."

"I'd have helped if only you asked," said Caroline. "And I've always been able to make Jack laugh. It's wicked to say I can't."

***

Time passes quickly when they are together and Jack can never turn Hazel down if she calls and suggests they eat. And she must like him; she calls often. And she lets him hold her hand and kiss her when they meet. But once, when he put his arm round her waist and held her tight, she pushed him away. "You're trying to smother me," she said. He objected but she wouldn't have it. She's a difficult one and he's not sure he has the strength to wrest open the door to her heart. He reasons she doesn't understand her feelings for him and he wonders if she's never been in love.

He buys her flowers and she tells him, "I don't accept gifts. Exchanges are fine -- you buy me coffee, I buy you coffee. But unsolicited gifts I send back unopened. If you accept them you always end up paying more than they're worth."

"You mean, I buy you a rubber band full of daffodils and expect sex in return."

"Exactly."

"Except I did better than daffodils. These are roses. And I don't expect sex -- anyway, not for the roses. You have strange ideas about men. But seriously, I mean that you were great with my children. You gave them a lot. Not just by being interested in them but in showing them their dad isn't lonely and miserable. That's important to them and I wanted to thank you."

"I enjoyed meeting them too, so I've had my reward. I don't want flowers -- or to feel some vague obligation to you."

"What if I don't demand a kiss in exchange for flowers, but just take one like a cave man?" he asks and immediately does what he's suggested, kissing her lips. "Now you'll have to do the same to me so that you're not left indebted."

He's relieved when she laughs and does as he suggests. The kiss lingers but Jack knows better than to take too many liberties. He finds an empty juice bottle and ostentatiously stands his roses in the bottle in the centre of her table. She smiles. Shortly after they both have to go to work, he in the library, she lecturing.

The children come for the weekend. He knows Hazel loves the children's company and she's coming with them on a trip along the coast to Wittering where there are sandy beaches. He drives the short distance across campus to her little terrace house in the streets behind the University Park. He's in a silly mood and when Hazel answers the door, he says to his children, "Say hello to your daddy's personal trainer. She takes me running and keeps me on a strict diet."

"No burgers," says Ben. "Hello Hazel."

Hazel says nothing and Amy looks alarmed.

"We're here to claim our kisses in return for my roses," Jack adds, searching for something light-hearted to say.

Still Hazel says nothing and suddenly he realises she's paler than he's ever seen her and she's trembling. He springs forward and takes her hand.

"What's happened? Are you unwell?"

She shakes her head, speechless. She's cold and when he puts an arms round her she sags against him, barely able to stand on her feet.

"Hazel! What's happened?"

She's breathing hard and her face is wet.

"My mother rang." She sobs in a mouthful of air between words. "My dad's dead. He's had a stroke."

He holds her tight and kisses her forehead. "You poor thing. I'm so sorry."

He motions his children into the house in front of him and pulls Hazel into the hall. Her arms go round his waist and she crushes him against her and he can feel her silent sobs from deep within her chest. His children are round-eyed and fearful, standing at the end of the hall and staring. He has to do something and lifts Hazel off her feet, carrying her into the sitting room.

"Come on you two, help me make Hazel comfortable."

He puts her on the settee and she's still clinging to him. He must get her to speak.

"When did your mother call?"

"I don't know -- a few minutes ago."

"I want you to sit quietly for a bit and then we'll decide what to do. I'm going to make tea."

"Sit with me."

"Ben and Amy will sit with you. I'm making tea."

He goes to the kitchen and puts on the kettle, finds her green tea and her tea pot with its tulip-shaped tea cosy. Glancing back into the sitting room he sees his children sitting either side of her on the settee and Ben is telling her something about school. Her arms are round them.

He's been thinking while he makes the tea and when he hands her a cup, he says, "You'll have to go and see your mum?"

She nods. "But I've classes tomorrow. I have to go in to work."

"I'll call the department office and they'll fix something for you. And you can't drive yourself. You're still shaking. I'll drive you to your mum's. Then I'll take the kids back to their mum. Sorry kids, no seaside today."

"I can't ask you to do all that," says Hazel and begins to cry.