Celebrities: Insert Name

Celebrities: Insert Name

If you could be with a celebrity, any celebrity past or present, who would you choose and why?

"Well, Freddie, I always wanted to do Cleopatra. Does she count as a celebrity?"

Insert a name of the celebrity that you presently drool over. He or she is your dream man or woman. You would do anything to be with this person. You dream about him or her at night. You read about them in the tabloids or in People Magazine. You stare at the television every time they appear on the boob tube. You watch every movie they ever made over and again. You fantasize about them when you are alone and lonely after your blow up doll sprung a leak. You write hundreds of fan letters to them and then stalk them when they do not answer any of them, not even one lousy fan letter after all the time that I spent writing to them, not to mention the cost for all of that postage, which is now 41 cents. (Sorry, is that too much information?)

What is the attraction? Why are we all lusting over complete strangers like this? How skilled are Hollywood producers, press agents, scriptwriters, talent agents, fashion designers, hair and makeup people, and advertising and marketing agencies to make us not only want these people, but also to make us spend our hard earned money to buy tickets to shows and movies, CD's, and tell all books to see, hear, and read about these people, people who we will never know in real life.

Unfortunately, they are not real. They are fantasy, make believe, and created for our enjoyment, entertainment, and viewing and listening pleasure. Sure, they live and breathe like the rest of us, but they are not real like you and me. Even if you could have them, there would be someone else who would come along who you would want more. Moreover, even if you could have them, once you got to know them, you probably would not want them.

"Listen, Angelina. I'm done with you. You called me Billy Bob. Now, collect your things and get out. Go back to Brad for all I care."

"But, Freddie, you told me that you love me."

"I love you as a fan loves a movie star but now that I know the real Angelina Jolie, I found someone else. I'm in love with Jennifer Aniston. Listen, we can still be friends. Okay?"

Why are we all so fickle like this? Even the celebrities are fickle. Look at how many relationships they have before they finally settle down to their seventh marriage. How many men do you think Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, and Pamela Anderson have had sex with before they were finally exposed in sexually explicit video footage, footage that I have watched thousands of times? Yes, I know; there is no double standard here; the men celebrities are far more promiscuous than the female celebrities.

Go ahead, turn around and look at your wife, husband, girlfriend or boyfriend. You wanted them once and, probably, still do but not in the way that you lust over your celebrity hottie. Go ahead, admit it. If you could trade your significant other for your celebrity hottie, you know that you would in a minute. Why is that? Is it because we cannot have these celebrities who we lust over? Is it because we see something in them that is missing from within us? Are there any psychologists out there who can answer these probing and terribly important questions?

I'm curious. Who is your hottie? I bet you have more than one? Matter of fact, I bet you lust over dozens. I know that I do.

There are pop stars like Jennifer Nettles of the band Sugarland and Cheryl Crow and how can I forget Olivia Newton John in Grease? I like them not only because they are attractive but because of their talent. I love their voices. Whitney Houston before cocaine and Bobby Brown was a fabulously good looking woman and what a singing talent she was. Okay, I admit that I have fantasized over some of the American Idol women, too. Carrie Underwood is very cute albeit very young. Oh, and what about Kate Beckinsale in that music video A Little Too Late by Toby Keith. Oh, my God! And who would kick Heather Locklear from bed?

"Heather, I do not care if you have double pneumonia, I would still go to bed with you? Heather, I hope you were chewing gum and that was not phlegm that you just tongued in my mouth. No matter, it's your celebrity phlegm. I'll sell it on E-Bay, later."

Then, there are movie stars. One time or another I have been attracted to dozens of movie stars from, yeah, Marilyn Monroe to Jayne Mansfield to Sophia Loren. It is difficult to get tired of watching Nicole Kidman. Does anyone look that good in real life? What was Tom Cruise thinking when he divorced her for Katie Holmes? Then, again, what was Nicole Kidman thinking when she married him? And before Nicole Kidman, Tom Cruise was married to Mimi Rogers. Okay, she's more my age and she still has a fabulous body with a primo rack. Mimi, if you are out there and reading this, please e-mail me. I, uhm, just want to talk to you...alone...in bed...naked...please?

Now, writing about movie stars, I must confess a deep sexual desire for Uma Thurman of Kill Bill fame. She is one hot woman. Not to mention that Lucy Lee was amazing in that film, too.

"Okay, so what are the terms of the agreement, again?"

"Freddie, you can have one full day of outrageous, non-stop, no holds barred sex with both Uma Thurman and Lucy Lee before I chop off your head."

"Well, that certainly sounds fair. Where do I sign?"

What about the television stars that we see nightly and weekly splashed across the screen between Toyota and McDonald commercials? I still think that Jacqueline Smith of Charlie's Angels fame is one of the most beautiful women, ever. A few of those soap opera women are easy on the eyes, too. Hey, when you factor in a few billion dollars, even Oprah Winfrey has her good days, so long as she is in makeup and wearing her wig. Oprah if you read this, I can be in Chicago tomorrow if you want me and Stedman and/or Gayle King does not have to know anything. I am very discreet and would never, ever tell a soul.

"This is my story, now in print, with the movie soon to be released, of the time when Oprah Winfrey paid me millions of dollars to have sex with her."

If we are being honest here, just between friends, there have been a few female newscasters who I have lusted over the years. Oh, and some of those weatherwomen, where do they find them? Sure, they may not be the brightest bulbs in journalism school but I would not kick them out of bed for eating crackers.

"It looks like rain tonight, Freddie."

"Honey, if you looked out the window you would know that it is not only raining but also thundering and lightning. I am glad that you are a better lover than you are a weatherwoman. Now, stop talking and blow me."

Then, there are the specialty television personalities like Olympians, figure skaters, Miss America contestants, race car drivers, yeah, even Danica Patrick looks good to me sometimes, okay, when she is wearing her helmet. What about football cheerleaders? I never tire of watching those hot babes cheer for my favorite team.

"Sweetie, can you bend over real slow and touch you toes, again, for me please? I, uhm, just want to see something."

So, I decided to take action. I figure that I always lusted over Angie Dickenson. Do you remember her? She played Sgt. Pepper Anderson in Police Woman back in the 70's. Also, she was romantically linked, along with Marilyn Monroe, to President Kennedy and his brother, Attorney General Robert Kennedy. She was hot and she had a body with an amazing rack. Sure, she's in her 70's now and much older than me but she is still way younger than Zsa Zsa Gabor who I used to drool over, too. I figure that I may have a chance with Angie Dickenson, you know, now that she is elderly and out of the limelight. Besides, Zsa Zsa was another of those celebrities who refused to answer any of my fan mail.

Wait, I have to go. Here she is now.

"Angie! Miss Dickenson! You look marvelous. I loved you in that movie Dressed to Kill. When you dropped your glove in that museum and that guy followed you, removed your panties, and nailed you in that taxicab, wow, that was a hot scene. I was wondering if we could recreate that scene, now. Taxi!"

"Freddie!"

"Honey! What are you doing down here?"

"I followed you downstairs."

"How could you not trust me?"

"You were about to jerk off pretending to nail Angie Dickerson in that taxicab scene, again, weren't you?"

"Yes."

"That's it. No more TV. Turn it off and come to bed. Now!"

"Yes, dear."

So, who is your favorite celebrity and why?

I want everyone who reads this to make a public comment revealing which celebrity that you would trade your husband, wife, girlfriend or boyfriend, if you could. (Oh, and all of you poorly treated and abused wives and girlfriends who have been forsaken for celebrities, women only please, e-mail me so that I can offer you my sympathy shoulder among some of my other body parts, as well.)

"Freddie, I would trade my boyfriend in for Lassie because at least I would get a real dog in return instead of just a dog."

Yeah, sure, I'll get the comment from the pussy whipped guy, "I would never trade my wife in for any celebrity. After forty wonderful years of marriage and three beautiful children, my wife is my celebrity." Yet, as soon as his so called celebrity wife leaves the room, he is writing a comment naming everyone from Jennifer Lopez to Carmen Elektra to Jennifer Garner to Cameron Diaz to Anna Kournakova to Tara Reid to Julia Roberts to Hilary Duff to Beyonce, and Ali Landry, as those celebrities who he would trade for his wife (lol).