Circling the Drain

She was asking me why I kept looking around under the tree. Finally when the kids were off playing with their toys and there was only Brian and I left, he asked me what was wrong. Besides my mom, only he had noticed that something wasn't quite right with me.

"Don't you love me anymore?" I asked brushing back my tears.

"Of course," he'd said wrapping his arms around me. "I love you more than ever."

"Then, where's my card," I sniffled. Since then Brian has never forgotten, and I guess it's silly of me but I look forward to those letters inside the cards more than anything else. Brian tells me he loves me several times every day, well he did up until this trouble started. But seeing the words and his feelings written down is just so powerful, so permanent. Unlike when someone tells you something, and then goes back and says, "I didn't say that," or, "That's not what I meant," seeing the words on the paper gives them more power. It may be particular to me, but I also prefer it when they're hand written and not just printed out of some stupid computer. Anyway, there it was on top of one of my boxes, my card. I was tempted to just go ahead and read it now, but I wanted to wait and enjoy it while everyone else was opening their presents.

The thing that hurt me the most though, was that during my recent lapse in judgment, besides his normal responsibilities at his job, and at home Brian had been doing a lot of the things that I was supposed to do. He had gone far beyond the call of duty trying to hold our family together. Our kids were not old enough to have any money, so they couldn't buy him anything, and I was just fucking pathetic. I hadn't bought presents for my parents, my kids or my husband. So as good as Brian had been this year there were no presents under the tree for him. I felt awful about it. Especially since despite our recent problems, that card sat there, staring at me. It made me feel even more guilty because I had neglected him, cheated on him, hurt our kids emotionally and physically; yet there it was, the token of his undying love for his cheating whore of a wife.

I started crying and just fell asleep. When I woke up, it was Christmas day, and the house still felt empty. Where the hell were they? Maybe something had happened. I jumped up and ran to the phone to check the messages. There were only three messages in our voice mail. The most recent one was from someone in our HR dept. at work reminding me of the meeting tomorrow.

The second message was from Brian, he said that they'd be delayed and I should go ahead and open my presents. The third was obviously a crank call some man screaming and cursing at me. I didn't even listen to that one all the way through I just put the phone down and sat back on the couch watching the slow ticking of the second hand around the face of the clock. The card sat the on top of my presents and I was dying to open it.

I made a cup of coffee, and started trying to figure this out. They had been gone for a week, but they'd somehow come into the house and decorated it while I was at work yesterday. If they'd decorated the house they had to be back in town. Brian loved my parents and my parents loved him. They had probably gone over to visit my parents and either stayed the night, or had car trouble and would be home today.

Temptation finally got the better of me and I decided to go ahead and open the card and read my letter. I wouldn't look at the card itself, I would only read a little bit of the letter. Then I'd save the rest for later when they were home.

I picked up the large envelope, it was wrapped in a festive Christmas ribbon but it wasn't actually sealed. That would make closing it back up easier.

"Laura," the letter began. That was unusual; Brian usually wrote "My Dearest Laura" or some affectionate nickname.

"I know that these letters have come to mean a lot to you over the years. Far more so than the presents or any other aspect of the holidays, so I'm using this letter as always to tell you of my feelings. Before you read the rest of this letter please do me a favor and open the box that was under the letter."

I opened the box and inside there was a folder, and a DVD, I put the disc into the DVD player and watched for as long as I could. A date stamp on top of the screen showed two weeks ago Tuesday. I remembered it because that was the day that I'd missed Timmy's play. It showed me going into the motel where I'd met DZ. Then the camera zoomed in on the date and the time. There was also footage, and really disgusting footage of DZ using me. Then thankfully it ended. When it started up again there was my little boy, my baby looking into the camera, and all he said was "mommy dint come ta my play," I started crying.

The next section was obviously shot from inside my office, there was no date, but it was far worse. DZ simply came into my office, snatched me out of my chair, bent me over the desk, fucked me, and left. There was no resistance from me just a dumb blank smile that in itself was more damning than anything else. The video next showed the hallway outside of my office where several of my former friends were gathered. You could hear them talking about what a whore I was. Then DZ stepped out of the office and smiled at them.

I wasn't stupid and I could see what this tape was designed to be used for. There were more scenes, some of them were far worse. Especially the one where DZ fucked me on the big table in the board room. I fast forwarded through them all to the end. I was nearly hysterical as I picked up the letter and began to read it again. My hands were shaking so badly that I could hardly make out the words.

"Now that you know that I know. It makes this easier. I've had plenty of time to go over this in my head and figure out what my options are. I could have pretended not to know and hope that you still loved us and would eventually come back to us. I spent a lot of time on the internet recently and read a lot of stories about men who were strong enough to do that, unfortunately I'm not. There were also stories there about men who were aroused at the idea of their wives fucking someone else. Those really disgusted me because they're obviously the product of twisted individuals, and I pray for them. How could you love someone and want to see them fucking someone else? Anyway I couldn't even watch the video of you with that guy because it just hurt too badly. That gave me another option, confront you about it and beat the shit out of him or kill him. This letter is me confronting you about your problem. And it is your problem, not ours. Neither, I or our

kids did anything to drive you away from us. You did this all on your own, so you'll have to fix it on your own. As to the second part if I killed your lover I'd end up in jail and I can't do that because I have 2 kids who need their father, especially since they've lost their mother. The bit of revenge I'm getting on him as we speak will have to suffice for now."

"That only leaves me the question of us. Laura, as you know I have loved you since the first day we met. And I've always told you that we'd be together no matter what. Shakespeare said "Thus conscience doth make fools of us all," I understand fully what that means right now because I can not be true to myself and my own conscience and have anything further to do with you. But at the same time I told you we'd always be married. So I'm not going to divorce you, but you need to understand that I can't ever live with you again, and don't want to ever see you again. If you push this or try to find me in any way, I'll know it and I will file for divorce. When the videos in this folder come out and they will as soon as I hear that you've tried to find me. It will ruin your life and any hopes of moving on in whatever career you have left."

The letter then told me to open the next box. Inside there was another DVD, I put this one in the player and turned it on. This was the part that really sent me over the edge. The three of them were there together. It looked like it was done in one of those places you go to for family portraits. Brian looked so handsome and yet so sad, I didn't know whether to go and hug him or try and screw him. Timmy was also looking sad. Only Janet was smiling as she looked into the camera.

"Mommy, I sorry you don't love us anymore," said Timmy. My heart clutched in my chest as if it would stop beating. "We want you to be happy, so we're gonna go far away. We'll miss you."

Brian started to say something to the camera and couldn't. My big strong husband was crying over something I'd done. It was just too much for me. He just couldn't manage to get it together enough to say goodbye to me, so he turned to Janet. Janet just smiled and stared right into the camera, and said simply "Bye," and then threw in "bitch."

"Janet that was unnecessary," was all I heard Brian say and then the screen went blank. In times like these the little things stick out. The thought that kept going through my mind was "If it was so un-necessary why'd you leave it in? Why let the last words I'd hear from my daughter for a very long time be her calling me a bitch? I know I deserved it but to actually leave it that way was beyond cruel."

I just sat there and cried and stared at the walls for a while. Then I picked up the letter and tried to finish it.

"Laura I didn't enter what I'm going to do rashly, I gave you every opportunity to either come clean or stop what you're doing. Both before and after you slapped my daughter, I practically begged you to stop. I was fully willing to take you back no questions asked, because I believed that the kids needed you in their lives even though I could never have trusted you again. Hitting my child was the "Straw" that broke the camel's back. Until then our marriage was in trouble, that day only exacerbated it. I was still willing to give you another chance though because once again, I loved you so much." My mind grabbed at that sentence. I have one more chance. I have to be the best wife and mother I can, because they're only giving me one chance. I continued reading.

The letter continued, "But even today, Christmas Eve, the day we were supposed to come back to you and start over, you continued. While the kids hung a few ornaments on the tree I checked my video feeds one last time and there he was coming in to your office this morning, to claim what should have been mine alone." God damn it Brian, I thought. It is all yours, this was only a stupid fling, just one tiny meaningless bump in the long road of our life.

I looked at the letter again and read, "I had already made my plans and I had some help with them from your Dad, so all I had to do was leave, since you weren't willing to give him up. Your lifestyle is obviously more important to you than I am, and also more important than our kids so we've left to start a new life somewhere else. Since these letters are so important to you, every Christmas I'll send one to you from wherever we are, through your parents in case you move. I'll make sure to include a picture of the kids so you can see them as they grow. And when they're old enough to make their own decisions, I'll let them decide whether or not to come and see you. I wish you all the best. And hope that you can find the happiness you need, and though it breaks my heart, I'm giving you the freedom to find it. I'm sorry if we were in your way. We always loved you." And it was signed "Until, next Christmas. Brian."

I sat there in shock, this couldn't be true. I got up and went upstairs. All of Brian's clothes were gone from his closet. All the kids' clothes were gone as well. Their favorite toys and games, all gone; they had taken everything except the furniture.

I suddenly had a thought; my dad could probably help me. He had a lot of ties to the government from his former job and he might be able to put me in touch with someone who could help me track them down. I didn't care what it did to my name or my reputation I just wanted my family back. There was no way I could last until next Christmas, to hear from them. Brian was the only man I wanted, why didn't he know that?

I didn't bother putting on any clothes. I just ran out of the house and got into my car. I broke several traffic laws getting to my parents' house. I knocked on the door and saw a head in the window at the top of the door. It was my Dad. I waited for him to open the door. After a few minutes had passed the door still didn't open and I was sure he had seen me. I started knocking at the door again.

Finally my mom opened the door and asked me what I wanted. I noticed that she hadn't opened the door all the way and also had not invited me in.

"Mom I need dad's help with something," I said trying to hold back my tears.

"Do not let that whore into my house," I heard my father bellowing from inside. Then it hit me, the voice from the phone message, the one I thought was a crank caller had been my Dad.

"Laura, you need to give your father some time to calm down," my mother whispered to me.

"Mom there isn't any time for him to calm down, I've got to find Brian," I screamed.

My dad stepped up to the door way and pulled the door open. "I can't help you find them, and even if I could I wouldn't," he screamed at me.

"But dad you know people," I said.

"And it's the people I know who provided him with their new ID's so he can start his life all over again. I even paid for it. I don't even know what state they're living in, but if I did I wouldn't fucking tell you. He's promised to bring them for visits in a neutral area whenever I want. And send lot's of pictures. Laura, I know you're my daughter, but you've cost me my fucking grandkids because you couldn't keep your fucking legs closed. And Brian, that poor man thought the sun rose and set just on you. And you really fucked him over. You had it all, nice house, great kids and a man who really loved you, I hope it was worth it. If your mother ever tried that with me, I'd have put her in the ground. But he just kept waiting for you to get your head out of your ass and close your legs. When I saw that fucking video, I wanted nothing else to do with you. I just kept wondering what happened to the woman I raised. Are you on drugs, maybe some kind of slut-making steroids?" My Dad just stared at me as he said this and then just turned away. My mother didn't know what to say to me either she just waved goodbye and closed the door.

I spent the rest of that day crying in my bed. The next day I was in no mood or shape to go to the meeting at work. When I was 30 minutes late they called me. The meeting had been set up to formally notify me that I had been terminated, and that the company was suing me. Brian had sued them for failing to enforce the morals clause in my employment contract. The video had been very damning since it clearly showed that many who worked there knew about DZ and me. They had also fired DZ. That was what he'd meant by taking me with him. Brian was also suing DZ, and DZ's wife was divorcing him as well. The company had settled out of court with Brian for several million dollars, and was trying to recoup at least some of its losses by suing DZ and myself.

"Circling the drain," that expression DZ used to describe everything. Ever since I'd met DZ my life had been circling the drain and now Brian had just flushed the toilet.