Coming Out with the Truth Ch. 07

"He's not Graeme!" Keith shouted. Well. That was a slap in the face. "And even if he was," he went on in a lower voice, viciously. "Why would you attack him? Why would you try and protect me now when you didn't care enough to stand up for me when I needed you?" His words were a knife in my gut. He was right. What the fuck could I say to that? "John," he said plaintively, shaking his head. "Please. Just leave me alone."

He was begging.

That moment felt a lot like dying.

Keith fixed me with a last look, then he turned and walked away. The only action I could muster was to scowl at the blonde as he followed.

I stayed behind the stalls, sat down on a step, winded.

I still didn't know who he was. Or why he'd been kissing that girl and then had his hands on Keith. I was pretty sure Keith wouldn't ever speak to me again though. I was pretty sure I was out of chances. I'd had ideas about talking to Keith, but this... I didn't know what the hell to do now.

It didn't take long before Sarah found me.

"You and Keith had a fight?" she asked instantly. I nodded. "What happened? Is something- is this why you've both been acting weird?" I frowned at her. "John!" she said, grabbing my arm.

"Fine, yes! What do you want me to say?"

"Why didn't you tell me?" She demanded.

"What- tell you I'm the reason your new best friend won't speak to you and have you take his side and never speak to me again?" I asked bitterly.

"John!" she looked shocked. "What's wrong with you? You're my brother! Tell me what happened!"

"No." I said coldly.

"So you'd rather I heard it from Keith?" she asked.

"He won't tell you a thing." I said firmly. I knew he wouldn't, either. He'd promised and he'd keep that promise. That was just who he was.

Sarah glared at me, folded her arms. I stood up and walked away, left her there. Normally I was nicer. Normally I was patient and didn't offend everyone, but this whole thing had thrown me.

I kept seeing Keith laughing, the big-man-who-wasn't-Graeme's arm around his shoulders, feeling that hot, sickening jealousy and now feeling more despair than I had since I'd heard he'd left town. I hated the idea that he could leave me and find someone new so very quickly, but I knew it would happen- if not this time then sometime in the future. He would. He'd find that man who actually wanted to marry him and live with him and share his life with him. And it wouldn't be me.

The pressure around my chest was suffocating as it hit me.

Here I'd been, seeing Keith with him, wondering what I could say to make him stay with me. Wondering what the blonde guy had that I didn't, when that wasn't the question at all. The question was what he could give, that I couldn't? What could he offer, that I hadn't? And the answer was easy.

Everything.

Himself.

His honesty.

His life.

But I hadn't known, an inner voice tried to justify my actions. He'd never said a thing, so how had I been supposed to know what he wanted? But that was rubbish, really. I knew it was. It was all excuses and cowardice and pathetically transparent attempts to justify something that couldn't be justified at all.

And now I finally figured it out, figured out that I was so in love with him that the rest of the world didn't even matter anymore, and I'd lost him.

I'd lost everything.

Keith:

Tim steered me along. I wasn't seeing anything. I was reliving the fight. I was reliving those moments where, again, John might have come out and said something-anything. Except obviously he didn't feel like I did. Except that he'd bothered to attack Tim.

I didn't know what to think anymore.

I felt like I'd been living in a strange sort of limbo in the last few weeks and now, seeing John again had somehow brought me right back to where I was that Saturday. And now I had no idea what was going to happen.

"You ok?" Tim asked me finally. I nodded dumbly, and looked at him.

"I should be asking you that." I said slowly. John had torn his shirt, and his pants and shirt were dirty down the back where he'd landed on the ground. He smiled.

"I'm fine." He told me. He sounded sure, too.

Hot tears pricked the backs of my eyes. "This wasn't supposed to happen." I told him.

"Come on." he said and pulled me along to a quiet café off the main street. I hadn't been here. I'd become a regular at Jim's. I hoped Jim wouldn't take offence. Tim ordered coffees for us, then once we'd taken a table he pulled out his phone.

"Don't." I begged, grabbing his hand. He stopped. "Don't tell them. Please. Em's already worried enough about me. It's fine, really. Please. I'm fine." He pursed his lips and put his phone away.

"Keith." He said quietly.

"Please." I repeated. "Let's just have our coffee, then go out and pretend that nothing happened." He didn't look happy with this idea but I was determined not to give him a choice. I wanted to enjoy the day, not have Emma make me go home again or fly into a rage and out John to the whole street.

He frowned at me, but didn't move to call anyone yet. I fidgeted until the young girl brought our coffees over, then tried to drink some. I must have burnt half my tastebuds off.

"Ok." I said when I could talk again. "I want to be back at the stage for the presentations." Tim nodded slowly.

"Alright. Where did Martin and Chris go?"

"I think they were checking out the craft stalls. They're decorating their house."

"Ok. So we can see the presentation and then find them and the girls and then find something to eat."

"You don't have to come to the presentation. I want to go because my friends from the cooking group are all competing against each other, but you might find it boring. Maybe you should go and find Alison."

"Mm." A very noncommittal response.

"Tim, I'm fine." I assured him again. I wasn't sure I actually was. I felt... numb, beyond anything else.

"Yeah. Ok." He said doubtfully. "Well. We'll see. I want to check out some of those stalls, too. We'll go past them on the way to the stage." I didn't think he was going to leave me alone now no matter what I said so I shrugged and agreed.

I really didn't want to make a big deal out of this.

I just wanted to pretend that everything was ok. And then maybe if I pretended hard enough, it would be.

John:

I kept an eye out for Keith while avoiding Sarah. I was still trying to figure out who this blonde guy was and why he kept putting his arm around Keith and touching his arms and placing his hand against his back. I was wondering if Keith would smile at me like that if I was brave enough to walk around in the open with my arm around him.

Figuring out what an idiot I was had given me this feverish sort of energy. I'd never felt like this before. Restless and nervous and determined to fix this and the consequences be damned- all at once.

I just needed to find Keith.

Everyone was starting to gather at the main stage for the presentations. It wasn't like there were prizes- but the fact of winning meant something around here.

I stood in the shadows right next to the stage, scanning the crowd. Keith was there with the blonde. They were talking quietly together. The blonde was still touching him.

At least Keith wasn't touching him back.

Gloria took out the prize for cakes. She usually did. I was surprised Keith hadn't won it. I'd wanted him to win. I'd planned on grabbing him as he walked off stage and pulling him into the shadows and then... well. I hadn't got further than that. But it didn't matter, since he wasn't going up on stage. Now I had to rethink my plans.

Gloria went up on stage and shook the principal's hand. He was acting as the mc for the whole event.

"Just want to say thank you to the judges!" she called into the microphone. She was still yelling into it, after all these years. I was sure people had explained to her before that she didn't need to do that, but she still persisted. "Also to Keith, where are you Keith? I couldn't have done it without you, Keith! You deserve some of the credit since if you'd entered I wouldn't be up here this year! You've taught me more about cooking this year than I've learnt in a long time!"

There was a scattered applause, and I saw the smile on Keith's face as Gloria beamed at him.

What the hell did I need a plan for? I suddenly knew what I had to do. And there was no planning, no engineering things to get Keith on his own, no prepared excuses. This was it. Here. And now.

I jumped up the steps and grabbed the microphone from Gloria before the principal could get his hands on it.

"I have something to add." I said. My voice was curiously strong and steady given the shaky feeling in my arms and legs.

The principal blinked at me. "John- I'm sure we could- but not right now, we're in the middle of-"

"Yeah, well, too bad." I sounded abrupt and I knew it, but the words were bubbling up inside me, finally coming out and there didn't seem to be much need for conscious decision making. I couldn't have stopped the words, even if I'd wanted to. Everything I'd pushed back for so long was overflowing out of me, rushing out of me in a torrent of words which I didn't even know were nonsensical or not anymore, but I couldn't hold them back. "This is the most important thing I've ever said in my life so the best thing you could all do is just pipe down and listen up." The crowd sort of shuffled, all those eyes flicking back and forth between me and the principal. They made no difference. I was going to say what I should have said long ago.

"Gloria here has told you all what a great cook Keith Draper is and how much he's taught her, but that's not all he's done. He's succeeded in teaching our boys how to kick one of those round balls for one thing and he's been there for those kids when no one else was stepping up to the plate. But there's a lot the rest of us can learn from him too." Keith was looking at me, his expression wary. I fixed the image of him in my mind, looked back out at the crowd. "He's one of the most compassionate and caring people I know. He's completely honest with the world and not afraid to be himself. His arrival here has changed my life in ways I couldn't even have dreamed of a year ago. His confidence, integrity and calm are things I can only envy. And the most amazing thing about Keith? He loves wholeheartedly and unconditionally. He loves without holding anything back, without asking anything in return. He believes in love so strongly that he's prepared to do anything for it, to compromise everything. And he shouldn't have to. Because love isn't supposed to be like that. So I have something to say. To everyone here. And to Keith."

I looked back and found him again in the crowd, looking at me as if there was no one else in the whole street. My heart pounded against my ribs. I drew a breath. "I'm sorry. I messed up. I could make so many excuses. But I won't, because you've been right this whole time and I've been too much of a coward and too big of an idiot to see it. You've given me so many chances and I just keep letting you slip away. So I'm begging your forgiveness. Keith, I'm begging you to forgive me for being so damned thick. And I'm begging you to come back to me, because- Keith Draper, I'm in love with you."

The silence should have rung but it didn't. The street was still alive with laughter and talk, chintzy music and yelling. It was only the crowd right before the stage that was staring at me with open mouths. I didn't care. I only had eyes for Keith.

He wasn't smiling.

I shoved the microphone back at Gloria and jumped off the stage. I had to get to Keith.

Why wasn't he smiling? What had I done wrong?

My cheeks were burning and I had some vague awareness of what I'd just done, but it didn't matter. None of it mattered unless Keith forgave me. I pushed through the crowd, silent as statues, and found Keith before me.

Keith looked up at me, his eyes overly bright with tears. I reached out to him, to pull him into my arms.

He held up a hand to stop me. I went cold all over.

"Keith. I-"

"What do you want?" he demanded in a small voice. I stared at him.

What did I want? I wanted- "Everything." I managed, remembering the last time I'd seen him, at the park. "Move in with me. Or I'll move in with you. We'll get a dog, we'll adopt some kids- I'll buy you a ring if that's-"

"No,-" he said, shaking his head.

"Keith, I love you." I interrupted him. He couldn't refuse me. Could he? If he did, everything had been a waste. I suddenly felt desolate and realised that this must have been how Keith felt about our time together when I'd ruined everything and failed him all in an instant.

Maybe I deserved this. If this was some sick kind of divine retribution for being such a dick before, then this was an awful irony.

"I don't need a ring." Keith said quietly, wiping his eyes. Relief made me weak. The world apart from Keith was swimming. "And I'm certainly not ready for kids."

"You forgive me?" I begged. I needed to be sure. "Babe-"

Keith nodded. That was all I needed. I pulled him into my arms and crushed him against me. His feet weren't touching the ground and he pressed his face against my neck and shoulder and he started to laugh. I closed my eyes and breathed him in. I was not going to let him go. Not now. Not ever.

I gently placed him back on his feet and Keith pulled back to look up at me, still laughing, and all of I sudden I had to do more. To really show him how serious I was. I brushed a kiss across his lips. Keith smiled at me, eyes dancing. Neither of us were under any pretences. We both knew I'd done it on purpose.

"Kiss me again," he demanded in a whisper, arms sliding around my neck. I didn't need any more prompting than that. I'd been wanting to do little else for weeks. This time, I kissed him properly.

I only stopped because people started whistling and cat calling, and the principal cleared his throat. He'd obviously got the microphone back from Gloria and was prepared to take over proceedings again. He announced that they would be returning to the awards presentations. Keith grinned at me, very pink and rested his forehead against mine, just held onto me.

"I love you." I whispered. I needed him to know and to believe it. I didn't want him to doubt me, ever again.

"I love you too." He whispered back. His warm breath made me shiver.

"I'm sorry." I managed. There was so much to apologise for that I didn't see how he could ever forgive me.

"John," Keith breathed.

"I'm so sorry. I know I'm an idiot and I just... need you to know how much I missed you. I realised I can't do this anymore. It's never-"

"John." Keith repeated, brushing his lips against mine. "It's ok. You did it. It doesn't matter anymore. You're here now."

I swallowed hard. "How can you forgive me so easily?" I didn't mean to blurt it out, but I was glad I asked the question.

Keith's expression softened. "I forgive you." He said softly, firmly. With such sincerity that something inside me relaxed.

I found myself smiling at him stupidly. We were standing in the middle of a curious crowd professing our love to one another and grinning at each other. I had the thought that it was time to move.

"Come back to my house. Yours is full of people. And I don't want to share." I whispered. "Stay over. We'll make breakfast and-" Keith looked up at me, smiling. He'd never stayed over at my place before. He'd barely ever been there at all.

"Ok." He agreed. "I'd better give Tim or Emma the key first, though." I nodded reluctantly. I didn't want the delay, but if they couldn't get into Keith's house they'd either break in or annoy Sarah. Or come and find us. None of those options really appealed to me.

I kissed him again for good measure, then linked my hand through his and began to make my way with him through the crowd.

"So where will-" I began to ask where he thought they'd be, but Keith's hand tightened in mine and he stopped. I looked in front of us and stopped as well.

The blonde guy was standing staring at us with a sort of bemused expression on his face, a phone next to his ear, but he wasn't talking. Who the fuck was this guy, anyway? I frowned at him, and he muttered something into the phone and hung up.

"Uh..." Keith said as we walked towards him, which I thought summed things up rather nicely.

"John, right?" the blonde man said with a grin, looking me over. "We were never introduced. Glad to see you've come around." I was too taken aback to glare at him. If he and Keith had something going on then surely Keith wouldn't have told him about us... and he wouldn't be happy that I'd 'come around'. "Tim." He introduced himself and stuck his hand out and I bit my cheek and shook.

"Tim's a friend from the city." Keith said anxiously. "He and his girlfriend came down with some of my other friends to stay for a few days." So the blonde girl was his girlfriend. I still didn't like the way he'd been all over Keith, but I couldn't think of any way to question it. Not when I was so clearly the person in the wrong.

"Sorry about your shirt."I said stiffly instead. I hadn't realised I'd ripped it. Tim grinned.

"That's ok. I'll pass it on. It's well deserved." I wondered what that meant and watched him suspiciously.

"Tim is... Tim is Graeme's brother." Keith finally said. Ah. Well, no wonder I'd thought he looked like the photo. Although I could admit that being blonde was enough of a resemblance for me to leap to the same conclusion.

Tim let go of my hand and put his hand on Keith's arm. "Tim." Keith said. "Can I give you the key to my house?" he asked. He was going red. I grinned. "I'm going to go back to John's. You'll let everyone in?" Tim nodded and took the key.

"Sure?" he said doubtfully.

"On the plus side, there's an extra bed now." Tim grinned. "No kinky straight stuff in my bed, got it?" Keith suddenly said firmly, his expression dark. Tim just laughed. Keith started telling him where things were in the cupboards. I was focussed on the feel of his hand in mine; the adrenaline rush of being here, in public, holding his hand.

"Why's uncle John holding hands with that man?" That voice... Charlie or Sam or Callum? My eldest nephews were all between six and ten and all sounded so similar. Who was here? Al or Mike or Sarah? A cold tremor went through me.

I looked up. My eldest brother was only a couple of meters away. His two sons were staring at me. Charlie was only six, looked all wide eyed innocence. Ollie was ten, old enough to understand a bit more . He looked surprised, confused.

I looked at Al. He gave me a look of disgust, of disbelief. I met his gaze. My heart raced. I didn't look away.

"Dad?" Little Charlie repeated. "Uncle John is-"

"He's not your uncle!" Al suddenly snarled, grabbed both boys by their shoulders and started pushing them away through the crowd.

Both of them looked back at me.

I managed a smile and a wave, hoped it looked convincing. I wasn't sure it did.

"You done?" I asked Keith, and he gave me a black look, but grinned at Tim. I didn't think he'd noticed what had just happened. "We'll see you tomorrow." I said to Tim. "Lunchtime. We'll fire up Keith's barbie." Tim just nodded blankly and I pulled Keith along with me. I expected him to laugh, but he slipped his arm around my waist and looked up at me.

"Barbecue?" He questioned. I nodded.

"Unless you don't want me to meet your friends." I said, but I sounded stiff and sharp even to myself.

"I'd love you to. But you don't have to, yet." He said, and he sounded so sincere that I believed him.

I couldn't think of what to say next.

"Are you ok?" Keith finally asked, in a very small voice.

I looked down at him, his worried eyes, his wary expression.

We weren't doing this again.