• Home
  • /
  • Stories Hub
  • /
  • Non-Erotic
  • /
  • Confessions

Confessions

*This is my first Non-Erotic piece...be gentle *laugh...

I don't know where to begin. Should I simply begin at the beginning or just start talking and see where things flow. I'll take the latter, since it seems the easiest....

First and foremost, I've always been straight. You may wonder why I would start off by saying that, but once you read further, you'll understand. Anyhoo, Straight as hair fresh from a hot comb pressing, yet as of late, I have noticed a lot of kinks. As I get older and come in to my own, I notice things that may have suppressed or just been too much in denial to give voice to. I realized quite by accident that I like bondage, role playing, candles, leather, and some pain. Now when I came to this realization, I was miserable for weeks, months. Was I perverted...Was I depraved...Was I simply nuts...Countless doubts plagued my waking thoughts and haunted my sleepless nights, yet in still I have found no suitable answer. I can't really turn to church, I mean, really how can I approach one of the sacred cloth and say, "I like to be spanked while tied to the bed and called names I wouldn't repeat in public", better still "I have a growing infatuation with the arousal brought about beating someone" without being condemned to a hell specially made for people like me?? Again, I digress, for that is one of the many kinks that I have, but not the one I came to discuss.

Going back to my original statement: I've always been straight, yet as of late, I've noticed a slight bend in the straight and narrow that is I. I have a friend who for the purpose of this tale will be referred to as Rae. Rae I have long suspected was a lesbian and much to her surprised told her so when she finally confirmed my suspicions. It never mattered to me what her preferences were just as long as they weren't directed towards me. However, the more time I spent with her, immersed in her lifestyle, I must admit, my curiosity grew. Again, never giving voice or action to my thoughts, I simply watched and wondered. I watched her with my dark brown eyes full of child-like curiosity, insatiable with the thirst of knowledge. Wondering what would I do if she looked at me like she looked at her various girlfriends. Like, would I cringe, crawling into a homophobic shell that we all have, yet are too politically correct and socially conscience to admit to. Would I be disgusted that she thought I was pretty, that my smile made her smile, my shining eyes made her eyes shimmer? How would I react if she held my hand, gently squeezing my fingers, slowly caressing my palm with her middle finger as I watched her do with her girlfriends? Would I mindlessly giggle if she traced the outline of my jaw, kissing the hollow of my throat, nuzzling my earlobe? And the most haunting of thoughts, what would I do if she caressed my face, tracing my lips with the tip of her tongue as she gently, yet passionately kissed me? Would I run for cover, shoving her away, tossing our friendship aside as if it were last week's rotting garbage? But then there's a little voice, whispering in the deeper, darker recesses of my mind, the place where my thoughts dare not venture for fear of what thoughts will be brought out of the darkness. The voice, gaining volume as it floats to the conscience part of my mind, quietly asks, "What if you like it? What if you want her to treat you like a lover instead of a friend? What if you aren't as straight as you claim to be?"

The last of the questions reverberating in my skull like a powerful bass drum, taunting me, daring me to answer, better still, daring me to be honest with myself. What if I'm not as straight as I think I am? I desperately convince myself of my heterosexuality, as if confirming it will cast out those doubts. But confirmation only gives way to more doubts, meaning, if I have to convince and confirm, maybe the doubts are valid. In other words, why do I need to reinforce my hetero status, I mean, for lack of a better phrase, I'm strictly dickly, who is she to cast doubts. Yet, I find myself being drawn to her like a moth to a flame, swimming in a sea of what ifs.

Sometimes, I wonder when Rae calls me, is she doing it because she's doing what friends do or because she likes the sound of my voice. I mean she asks me frivolous and inane questions and if gives me cause to wonder if she's just doing this to keep me on the phone or just making idle chit-chat. Isn't it amazing what paranoia does to a person. What if is just idle chit chat and I'm making it seem like she wants to jump my bones. But what if, what if she really is just feeling me out, trying to see if there is a hint of attraction from my part. What then do I do? I mean, do I block out what I'm reading into this or do I sit in front of the mirror and face my demons?

I sit here, seemingly typing random thoughts hoping against hope that they make some kind of sense to you, let alone me. Maybe if I say it aloud, the doubts will cease. Maybe if I can make someone else understand my turmoil, the chaos will finally subside and lift the black veil from my eyes so that I can understand.

I now come to the end of my confession, to the point in time when I need to be honest with myself, it that's at all possible. I want to know myself, I want to bring light to the darkness, and finally find the shore in the sea of what ifs and maybe's. Am I simply just Bi-curious, following a growing fad of raging lesbianism that is sweeping the country or do I succumb and let Rae take me on an exploration of my secret desires that I'm too afraid to acknowledge...

Curiosity killed the cat, but doubts, what ifs and maybe's are killing me.

forgive me Self, for I know not what I do...

More fact than fiction...

Feedback is greatly appreciated...good or bad...just let me know you read it *smiles*

  • Index
  • /
  • Home
  • /
  • Stories Hub
  • /
  • Non-Erotic
  • /
  • Confessions

All contents © Copyright 1996-2023. Literotica is a registered trademark.

Desktop versionT.O.S.PrivacyReport a ProblemSupport

Version ⁨1.0.2+795cd7d.adb84bd⁩

We are testing a new version of this page. It was made in 123 milliseconds