Confidence

"Then I met you and fell in love with you. But mom always liked Joe and thought we'd get married, and I never found the right time to tell her we had split up. And since I'd see him when I visited I didn't see the need to burst her bubble."

"When you and I got together I stopped having sex with him, but then about a year ago I was here and we had a few drinks, and the next thing I knew we were in bed again. I had always enjoyed that with him, and I enjoyed it that time too, but I felt guilty when I got back and saw you. I was sure you'd know but you didn't. I was ready to keep it a secret and never do it again, but two visits later we did it again. And it just became easier every time after that because you never knew it was happening. I don't love him, Henry. I love you. Can you possibly forgive me for this? It won't happen again, I swear."

"I was looking in her eyes and I knew how much I loved her, but I just couldn't get past what she had done. I told her I loved her too and I could forgive her, but I couldn't forget and I couldn't trust her anymore. Had she told me the truth after the first time then maybe, but not now. I told her I was going to move out and asked her to stay with her mom the whole weekend so I could get it done. I have a friend that had an empty bedroom in his house so I moved in there."

I felt so bad for him, to have been betrayed by someone he loved so much. I'd had a couple of boyfriends cheat on me but I wasn't in love with either of them so it was no big deal. And even more painful for me was to look into his eyes and see pain instead of the shining happiness that was usually to be found there. I imagined it was how some kids changed when they realized Santa Claus wasn't real. I spoke for the first time.

"Henry, I'm so sorry. If there's anything at all I can do please let me know. I'm here to help you."

"You're already helping by just being here and listening. Thank you for that, and for not offering a bunch of meaningless platitudes like 'it's all for the best' and 'you'll get through it'. I've had enough of that for a while."

We finished our lunch and then went our separate ways to get to our next classes.

*****

We talked about it a little bit more each of the next few days. As friendly and interested in other people's lives as he was, I got the impression that he didn't like to share his business with other people, and I was honored that he had taken me into his confidence.

A couple of days later I was at lunch with Dobie when Tristan came walking over to us.

"Alex, could I speak with you for a moment...alone."

"I can take a hint," Dobie said, and took the rest of her sandwich to go. "Catch you later, Alex." She was such a good friend.

She sat down in Dobie's vacated seat.

"So, does he think I'm a terrible person? I know he's been talking to you about it."

"No, Tristan, he doesn't think that. He's just hurting because he loves you so much."

"Loves? Not 'loved'?"

"He still loves you, no doubt about it. But his trust has been shattered. You were one of the rocks in his life that gave him his confidence, and he's lost that. It's been hard to see the change."

"Did he tell you the whole thing?"

"He did. Why'd you do it? Why'd you keep on with that guy?"

"I wish I could tell you, Alex. I don't love him, don't think I ever did, at least not the way I love Henry. But there was always something about Joe. He took my virginity and I just always felt close to him. I just wanted to be with him, physically I mean. When I first got together with Henry I was able to resist it, but eventually I gave in again and I found myself wanting it. It wasn't even as good as being with Henry, but...like I said, I can't really explain it."

"Did you ever consider just not going home?"

"I did but I didn't know how to explain that to mom, or Henry for that matter. I figured that would just raise suspicions and make them wonder why I stopped. I never did figure a way around it."

"He still loves you, Tristan. Maybe after some time has passed he'll be able to move past it."

"I don't think so, Alex. I'm just hoping we can stay friends. The fact is, I was starting to lose him the last couple of months anyway. He had found someone else that he had developed stronger feelings for."

That took me by surprise. He hadn't talked about anyone else to me, but maybe he was afraid I would say something to Tristan. The confused look on my face caught her attention.

"You don't know, do you?" she said.

"He's never mentioned anyone to me."

"You're so cute, Alex. Don't you know he's fallen for you?"

Had I been drinking anything I would have done the classic spit-take at that moment. I thought she was out of her mind.

"That's crazy, Tristan."

"Crazy, is it? So, it's just a coincidence that he moved his seat next to yours in class? He just happened to offer you one-on-one tutoring, which he's never done before?"

"I don't know what to say, Tristan. I mean, I've never done anything to lead him on, at least I don't think so. And you're my friend; I wouldn't do that to you."

"It's okay, Alex. You are my friend and I'm glad of that. I still love Henry more than I can say but if I can't have him I'd want him to be with someone that would take care of him. For all his intelligence and care of other people, he really needs a woman behind him. It gives him strength. Please don't let our friendship stand in the way of you being with him. You have my complete support and blessing."

With that she got up to leave, stopping to give me a quick hug and a kiss on the cheek. I did feel bad for her. I'd had one guy a couple years ago that was inexplicably drawn to even though I didn't like him much as a person. I gave in one time and it was terrible. I still felt the pull but it was easier to resist at that point.

My mind was still reeling with her revelation that Henry had feelings for me. And I knew I had them for him. But this was a delicate situation. I didn't want us to get together too soon or I might seem like the 'rebound girlfriend' and was afraid he wouldn't take it seriously. The key was to take things slow.

*****

Things went on as normal for another week and Henry seemed to be gradually becoming more of his old self. He started making the rounds again though some of the joviality was still not there. When class ended we walked outside as we usually did and I looked for Tristan just as a reflex but of course she wasn't there.

He looked kind of nervous and I asked him if everything was okay. He hesitated a moment, and then:

"Alex, would you like to have dinner with me tonight?"

I nearly burst out of my skin with excitement, but I had a very big problem. I couldn't go; at least, not the way he meant it.

"Henry, I would really love to, but I have to work tonight at 6:00. Could we maybe grab something early?"

"Yeah, we can. Why don't I pick you up about 4:00 and we'll have an early dinner? That should give you time to get to work, if it's not too far away. Where do you work?"

"I work at Stoneridge, in the dining room."

Stoneridge was the local country club, and I did work there tonight. It just wasn't the only job I had, but I wasn't ready to tell him about the other one yet.

"That sounds interesting. You can tell me about it over dinner."

With that we went our separate ways, and no sooner was I out of earshot than I got Dobie on the phone to tell her all about it and get her to my place to help me get ready.

I wore an ankle length emerald green dress that really brings out my green eyes and a pair of tan wedges. The dress was strapless so it showed off my pale, freckled shoulders (I'm very Irish, complete with bright red hair and skin that doesn't tan) and I secured the middle with a tan belt to match my shoes. I thought I looked quite lovely.

We went to a nearby Italian restaurant and we talked about school and a little about Tristan. I told him about working the dining room, which is painfully boring and not interesting at all, except for that time when Mrs. Wentworth confronted Mr. Wentworth about sleeping with his assistant. That was interesting, but the staff just kept their heads down and let the rich people have their drama. (For the record, it was common knowledge among the staff that Mrs. Wentworth was getting 'lessons' from the tennis pro but hadn't been found out yet).

I had a wonderful time, and I almost never looked away from his beautiful deep brown eyes the whole time. In fact, if Henry hadn't been watching the time I probably would have been late for work because I was so lost in being with him.

He dropped me at my door and gave me a sweet goodnight kiss. Nothing over the top, but it was very nice. I quickly dressed for work and arrived just in time.

*****

From then on, we were together during most of our free time. He started joining Dobie and me for lunch and then we'd have dinner together. Between my two jobs I thought Henry might at some point get tired of having to eat dinner so early every night but he never complained. And if he suspected I had 2 jobs he never said anything, even though I worked 7 days a week. I guess he just figured that's the way it was.

The semester ended and he went back home to visit with his family over the Christmas break. He invited me to come with him and I wanted to go but I needed the money from work so I couldn't take more than a day or two off, so he went alone. I worked hard while he was gone and could afford the costs for the next semester pretty comfortably.

It was in mid-January when it happened. I had gone to work the night before as usual, this time at my other job, and then I went home and called Henry as usual. He usually picks up but not always, and he didn't tonight so I left him a voice mail saying I was home safe and I missed him. We hadn't said the L-word yet but I think we both felt it.

We weren't sharing a class this semester but we still got together each day for lunch, but today he was a no-show, and he didn't answer the phone when I called, nor had he called me since I left the message last night. I was getting worried; this was unlike him.

When I hadn't heard from him by the end of my next class I went over to his house. One of his roommates, Tom, opened the door. There was a look on his face that I couldn't decipher, but it wasn't good.

"Is he here?"

"Yeah, he's in his room."

"Is something wrong?"

"There is, but I'll let you guys talk about it. I'll make myself scarce for a while."

"Thanks Tom."

I knocked on his door and followed that up with 'Henry, it's Alex.' It was quiet for a minute and then the door opened.

"Hey."

"Can I come in?"

He stood aside and let me walk in. His room was a mess, which was unlike him. I found a chair and sat down.

"Have I done something to upset you, Henry?"

He had his back to me and was fiddling with some things on his desk, just to keep his hands busy. I just waited until he was ready.

"Tom has a friend that's getting married this weekend. Last night was his bachelor party. I know that seems weird, having one on a Tuesday night, but that's the only night people could go."

I didn't like where this was heading, but I didn't want to say anything until he was done.

"They rented a limo and had extra space so Tom asked me at the last minute if I wanted to go. You were working as usual so I said yes. We went to a couple places and had a few drinks and we started getting a little wilder. Finally, we ended up at the Pink Poodle."

Crap.

"Imagine my surprise as I'm sitting at a table in the back and upon hearing the name 'Lucy' announced I see you come walking out on to the stage. Of course, at first, I didn't think it was you, because you were at the country club, or at least I thought you were. But as I watched your clothes come off I knew it was you. I knew your...breasts the moment I saw them, and of course your...hair."

I hadn't even realized I had started crying until I tried to talk and my voice caught.

"H-Henry, I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I was afraid you'd think less of me and I couldn't have that."

He turned toward me and I saw the pain on his face.

"Make me understand. Why do you have to let other men see your naked body? It's supposed to me just mine. Explain it to me."

"Henry, I've been on my own since I was 14. My parents were drug addicts and by then they could barely take care of themselves let alone me. I had to do whatever I could to survive. I had to steal food most every day. I did some time in juvenile hall after getting caught too many times. I wanted a future and was trying to get it. The one thing I had going for me was that I was pretty and guys seemed to think I had a nice body that they liked to look at."

His brow furrowed as I talk about my teen years. He came from an upper-class family so paying for school was no problem. His future was laid out before him. I went on.

"When I was in high school I'd try to get friends to let me spend the night because I knew their parents would feed me dinner. Thank God for free school lunches. Eventually I did do some things. A friend's brother offered me 20 bucks for a hand job and I did it. He told some of his friends and I started doing that regularly. Some of them offered me a little more to take my top off so I did, and then they offered more if I'd let them touch my boobs, and I did that too. But that was it. I never let them do anything below my waist and never touched them with anything other than my hands."

"I guess that explains how you got so good at hand jobs."

He smiled ruefully, realizing the benefit he got from my earlier experiences.

"The day I turned 18 I applied at the strip club nearest to where I was staying and I was working that night. I was nervous but the money was really good, and the more I did the more I made."

He looked at me with a shocked expression and I realized he thought I meant that in a way I didn't.

"No, Henry, not like that. I've never had sex with a customer. What I meant was that if I just took my clothes off I did pretty good, but if I got on the floor and spread my legs I got even more, and if I touched myself and spread myself open I made even more. I wanted a future, Henry, with a good job, and to do that I needed an education. Financial aid helps but it's not nearly enough and this is the only way I can make enough to pay for school."

"Do you even work at the country club?"

"I do 3 or 4 days a week, but I make maybe 1/10^th as much there as I make stripping. I do like it and I sometimes get good tips. It's also a good legitimate job I can tell people I have."

"So, you work 7 days a week, with 3 or 4 of those at the country club and the rest at the strip club. That about right?"

"Just about; there are some days I work both places."

"Do you like doing it?"

"I didn't at first, but I actually do now. It makes me feel good that men find me beautiful and sexy and are willing to spend their hard-earned money just to see me with my clothes off."

"I don't know if I can deal with this, Alex. It's your life and you need to live it, but I don't feel like you're all mine when other men get to see you naked."

"I understand that feeling, baby. But remember that no one touches me except you. You're the one I come home to every night. You're the one I love."

His head jerked up when I said that.

"Yes, Henry. I love you. I'm in love with you. Whatever the right word is I feel it for you, and only you. And I have for a long time, back even when you were with Tristan. For a long time, I was doing this for my own future, but now it's for our future together, so it's even more important."

He pulled me into his arms and hugged me tightly but I wasn't sure exactly what it meant. I hugged him back.

"Honey, if you have a way that I can make enough money for school while working the hours I do then I'll quit stripping right now. I'll do that to make you happy and you'll be the only one I take my clothes off for. I enjoy doing it but I love you more and you're that important to me. But otherwise I need to keep doing it at least until I graduate."

He was clearly struggling with this. He had grown up with a very particular moral code and his girlfriend taking off her clothes and getting paid to do it was absolutely outside that code. But his code assumed that doing things like that was a choice rather than the necessity it was for me. I could see him trying to integrate my needs, my world, into his.

"Henry, I was hoping you wouldn't find out because I knew it would hurt you and I didn't want you hurt. But I took the cards I was dealt and did the best I could. I'm less than 2 years from a bachelor's degree after living in poverty my whole life. I picked myself up off the ground and I'm making something of myself and I'm not a bit ashamed of how I've done it. I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you, but not if this is going to be a problem. I'm not going to spend my life being married to a man that's ashamed of me. I need you to be proud of what I've accomplished instead of upset at how I accomplished it."

I grabbed my purse and opened his bedroom door.

"I'm going home, Henry. I'll leave you to think about what you want to do. If I don't hear from you by tomorrow I'll assume we're not together anymore. I work at the Poodle again tonight, just so you know. I love you."

I walked out of the apartment sure I had just made the biggest mistake of my life, even as I believed every single word I had said. I was proud of myself for what I had done and I wasn't going to be with a man that was ashamed of me no matter how much I loved him.

*****

I checked my phone before I went on the first time, and kept it near to me between performances. There were no calls from Henry, and I assumed he had made his decision. I was saddened at the thought but it was what it was. I had overcome so much more than that and I could get past it. It would hurt though.

It was nearly 1:40am as I went on for my last show of the night. The crowd is pretty thin by this time of the morning and there were even some vacancies in the front row, though not everyone wants to get that up close and personal to us.

As the song came to an end and I gathered my tips from the stage I heard the PA system come on, but instead of the usual call for 'one more round of applause' in Bruce's voice there was a different message, and a different voice. I recognized it immediately.

"Lucy, can you hear me?"

I knew where the PA booth was but I couldn't actually see anything because of all the stage lights, but I looked in that direction. My eyes were starting to tear up.

"Yes baby, I can hear you."

"Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Henry and that woman on the stage that you've all watched take her clothes off is my girlfriend. I just found out today that she does this and I had a hard time with it at first. But I am here to let the whole world know that I love her and that I am proud of the woman that she is."

The few patrons that were still in the club burst into a round of applause and I was waiting for him to say something else but it was silent. Suddenly I caught movement from behind me and I turned to see my man coming through the door and on to the stage with me. He walked over and took my hand.

"Honey, I'm sorry for not being the man I should have been today. I love you so much and this doesn't matter to me. Only you matter to me. I had actually gotten this for you last week and I should have given it to you earlier today."

He went to his knee right there on the stage and in front of all of these men.

"Alexandra, will you please marry me?"

The tears were pouring down my face as he held the ring box up for me to see. All girls, I think, fantasize about their proposal, and I was certainly one of them. And in not one of those fantasies was I standing naked on a stage after performing a strip tease. Not one. But I wouldn't trade it for the world.