Could You Be Mine?

"Baller."

"Free lunch. It's a good incentive." I pointed at her paper bag, "Now you. I buy you lunch Tuesday if that goes in."

Twenty minutes later, we were still launching random shit into the overflowing corner trash can and cracking ourselves up. I was ahead by a couple of shots when RJ stood up to attempt a shot with a lucite deal-toy. Just at that moment, Mona walked past outside. She did a double-take and came into the office, "Having fun, ladies?"

The look on her face was one of cautious amusement.

RJ tossed the lucite cube between her hands, "Lauren doesn't think I can sink this without hitting the wall or the rim first."

"What's on the line?" Mona leaned against the door frame. She looked between me and RJ with interest.

"World peace," I snarked.

RJ guffawed, "Hardly. But it's probably me buying her lunch, uh... what is it now? Twice?"

"Three times; remember you missed with the stapler," I loved that I made her laugh.

Mona shook her head and pointed at the glass wall behind the trash can, and then at the lucite in RJ's hand, "You break it, you're buying me a new wall, Kan."

RJ hesitated for a second, and to my surprise, she put the lucite down. I was about to tease her for wimping out when she picked it back up and threw it.

The three of us followed the arc of the deal-toy as it sailed across the room, hit the wall with a BONG!, causing it to wobble dangerously, before settling with a thump in the trash can.

"Show off," Mona tsked. She looked at me, "Lauren, once you're done helping RJ destroy her brand new office, can you swing by? I want to talk about some other stuff I'd like you to work on."

I nodded. Mona smiled and turned to leave. She stopped herself mid-step and gestured towards the trash can, "Nice shot."

"Didn't count," I reminded RJ after Mona left, "Challenge was to make a clean swish."

"Worth it though - now we know the wall is pretty strong."

A replay of my fantasy flashed in my brain, you know, the one of RJ pushing me up against the wall and kissing me senseless. I had to close my eyes for half a second to absorb the force of the vision. I may or may not have moaned. RJ didn't seem have noticed, because she changed the subject with her next question, "How long are you here for?"

"Huh?"

"Mona said she wanted to talk to you about stuff to work on - how long are you here for?"

"Oh," I shrugged, "Standard ten to fifteen weeks."

"Seems so short!"

I raised hands, "I'm very, very good at scoping out parameters for a project. I've never missed a deadline."

"So you have something lined up after this?"

"There's a repeat client who always wants me to help out around October when their fiscal year closes, but I was thinking of taking a long summer break. So not really sure."

RJ's eyes flashed, "So how are you and I different? You go from gig to gig - you obviously have it in you to be a total rock star in a place like this, but you choose to flit around, dipping your toe into projects and ducking back out... same difference!"

Test probe initial result: SUCCESS. Something about that commitment conversation got its hook into her.

"Good try, Ms. Finance whiz, but no dice: this is WORK. We were talking about life... and love. It's totally different."

RJ waved a hand dismissively, "It's about commitment. Same thing."

"Not really. But if you want to argue over this, I'll tell you why it's different. First, again, it's work. Second, this is what I want to be doing right now - I'm getting to see a broad spectrum of stuff and it's really challenging and interesting. Third, and here's the biggest difference, if I find a job that I think I'm going to really love, I would have no problem jumping in with both feet."

"Hey, I'm seeing a broad spectrum of people, and it's challenging too, so there."

"Yeah, but RJ, if the right person came along, it sounds like you don't even want to contemplate the possibility of it working out."

"Because it won't."

I launched another test probe, "I'm sorry you think that. I really hope you change your mind one day."

RJ's expression was hard to read. I took it as a win.

I picked up my stack of papers and my notebook, "I'm going to see what Mona wants. If I don't see you later, have fun in DC."

"Thanks for lunch," RJ said, the smile was back.

"I'm going to get a good return for it - I think you owe me four more lunches than I owe you."

"Three."

I shook my head, "You missed with the stapler, the highlighter, the headset, the binder clip, the ruler, and the lucite. I missed two - the mouse and the sharpie."

"Lucite went in!" RJ protested as I walked out.

"Didn't count," I said over my shoulder, "Bye RJ..."

I willed myself not to look back. I hoped she would insist on getting the last word... and she did. Just as I was about to turn the corner towards Mona's office, I heard her say, "Hey, Ellie!"

I raised my eyebrows as I turned, "Ye-e-e-s?"

"I want a rematch," RJ's eyes twinkled.

"Fine, but it'll have to be higher stakes than lunch."

"Like what?"

I shrugged, "I'm sure you'll think of something."

I flashed her a smile and continued walking. I still had the smile plastered on my face when I knocked on Mona's door.

"What are you smiling about?" Mona sorted through some presentations on her desk.

I dropped my pile of documents onto the floor next to my chair, "Oh, RJ's being a sore loser. She wants a rematch."

"I'm not surprised."

I nodded, "Just don't tell her I played varsity ball in college."

"I didn't know that! I did too - what position?"

"Point Guard."

Mona pointed at herself, "Center. More the tallness than anything."

I smiled, "For me it was the shortness and the three-pointer. I was the only one who was five-seven on the team - everyone else was at least five-ten."

Mona laughed. She didn't say anything for a couple seconds, and then she propped her chin on her fist, "If I made you an offer to be a Managing Director on the Finance team, would you take it?"

Now that I was not expecting. "Uh," I felt myself getting flustered, "I don't know, I don't think so. But... wait, are you making me an offer?"

Mona sighed, "I have some blind spots in Finance and Strategy. I brought in RJ to help build it up. Jared is leaving at the end of the year, and Oliver is still too green. Every project you've done with us has been amazing... and RJ thinks you walk on water... and that almost never happens."

She thinks I walk on water??!!

Mona kept talking, but my mind was replaying that sentence fragment again and again.

"...so think about it, okay?" Mona finished.

"You've caught me off-guard," I admitted, "I honestly don't know if this is for me - I like the diversity of working in different contexts with different teams, I always have. I'm flattered, of course, and I love working with RJ too, but..."

Mona looked at me for a moment, like, really looked at me. I felt my neck flush, followed by my face.

"Oh, be careful there, Lauren." She shook her head.

"Huh?" Oh my god, she saw through me.

"RJ." She said simply.

I narrowed my eyes, "I shouldn't like working with her? Why? Is she an asshole or something?"

Mona was quiet again, "No. I think the world of her. She's just, um, difficult outside of the work context."

"Oh," I waved a hand casually, "She already told me that she doesn't do relationships... After I told her about an ex-boyfriend who moved to Utah."

Mona looked relieved, "Oh!" She laughed self-consciously, "Wow. Okay. I totally caught this major flirty vibe in her office just now. Okay, I read it all wrong. Wait, she just came out and told you she didn't do relationships?"

Oh shit, our chemistry was THAT obvious? I was equal parts titillated and mortified.

I nodded, "Yeah, she talked about not wanting complicated entanglements."

Now Mona looked totally surprised, "RJ... RJ gave you her take on relationships?? Really?"

"Why's that so hard to believe?"

Mona leaned back and shook her head, "Because she never talks about personal stuff. Ever. But she did with you. It goes against... well, everything. It's totally out of character."

How interesting...

"I was talking about a break-up, she replied by telling me she doesn't like relationships. It didn't seem strange... just kind of, you know, sad that she doesn't buy into romance or love..."

Mona smiled; her eyes were sad, "There's some history there... and she's stubborn as hell. There's a group of us who try and play matchmaker for her. She's a good sport about it, but I've never known her to get into a serious relationship with anyone. And she's always kept her personal life personal... but apparently not with you. Which is good, I suppose."

"Hm," I said as neutrally as I could.

"Did she tell you anything else about herself?"

I shook my head, "No... but... do you know why she left Broad Peak Ventures?"

Mona leaned forward in her chair, "You've been reading up on RJ?"

"It's the digital age, Mona, everyone does a little web-stalking before meeting someone new."

Mona gave a wry smile, "Are you saying I'm old?"

I opened my mouth to protest but she cut me off, "Relax, I'm teasing, although I'm almost fossilized compared to you... So... on BPV - I'll leave RJ to give you the full back story, since she seems to be spilling the beans these days - but it was a combination of a personal decision she had to make, and me asking for her help here."

"Have you known her long?"

Mona nodded, "She's a good friend. She'd move mountains to help me if I needed her to..."

"So it's not like she doesn't know how to have relationships," I mused.

Mona did a double take and pointed at me, "I KNEW IT! You guys were flirting in there!"

I hate it when I think out loud.

I shook my head emphatically from side to side, "Mona, I have no idea what was going on in there. I don't have a clue when it comes to flirting with women. Or women flirting with me. Seriously. I just like spending time with her. I'm... drawn to her. We click. And I like that."

Mona sighed, "I'll say it again. Be. Careful."

"A straight girl and a gay girl can't be friends?" It was weak, but it wasn't entirely a lie. After all, this whole thing is still just a story I made up in my head.

"Of course they can," Mona said, "But the vibe I got just now between you two was not a friend vibe."

"Are you saying RJ's interested in me?" Hey, might as well just put it all out there.

Mona tilted her head contemplatively, "That would be a benign way of putting it. The truth is, if she was flirting with you - and I think she was - it means she sees you as a challenge. A conquest."

Oh, that sounds soooo incredibly carnal and delicious.

"And once she gets what she wants, she'll move on." Mona's tone was flat. She rubbed her eyes, "That's why I'm telling you to be careful. Go have fun. But don't expect anything more. Trust me."

"I do. Thanks, Mona." I started picking up my stuff from the floor.

"...and think about my offer... although in light of whatever is going on between you and RJ, you might find it easier to not be anchored here."

That was big of her. I nodded, "I'll think about it... All of it. Have fun in DC this weekend!"

Chapter 3: Low Heat (Ten Weeks Later)

I decided to respectfully decline Mona's offer. She understood and, amazingly, told me I could change my mind at any point.

RJ and I got closer. Nothing explicit has happened, but we were closer; more familiar with each other, physically and emotionally. She'd nudge me with her shoulder if I teased her about something as we walked to a meeting; I would swat her arm playfully if she made an off-color remark. We each picked lint (imaginary and otherwise) off the other's shirt or jacket. We were both casual about these encounters, but those micro-moments of attention were thrilling to me. But I never pushed. I was feeling the thrill of our gentle flirtation as much as I imagined RJ was.

The limited time I had left at Win-B magnified everything that much more. Two weeks from my end date, Mona sent me to the London office to meet with the team there on the new fee sharing model.

The team in London was small, headed up by Peter Brown (the other co-founder) with about two dozen people spread across functions. One of them actually went to college with Ian - so it was nice to see a friendly face. It was the UK team that first pushed for a revamp of the model, and it wasn't hard to get them on board with the proposal that RJ and I put together. They had some great comments and were such great hosts it made the week pass quickly, which was good because I missed RJ so much it hurt. She must have missed me too; she'd send emails or texts with observations and funny one-liners about things that were happening in New York... I would respond, and we would have these marathon text exchanges that often made my face hurt because I was smiling so much.

The morning after my flight back was a vortex of stress, jetlag, and nervous energy. Ian found me panicking in the bathroom again, this time because I realized that I'd run out of disposable contact lenses.

"Here," he handed me my glasses, "Go for the sexy librarian look."

I put them on and looked at myself in the mirror, "Definitely not sexy."

"Wear your hair down."

I complied. It was a little better, I thought.

Ian pursed his lips and slowly nodded, "It works. Michelle Pfeiffer-ish... in 'One Fine Day'."

"What?"

"It's a mid-nineties movie about a mid-nineties romance in mid-nineties NYC. But you've always had a Michelle Pfeiffer kind of vibe... but with more boobage."

He'd lost me - I considered Hollywood sirens to be a breed of their own - but if he said I was making it work, I wasn't going to doubt him. Poor Ian. He was like the begrudging coach of a novice ultra-marathon runner. Just encouraging enough to be supportive, but I knew 'you are out of your freaking mind' was ready to leap off his tongue at the slightest opportunity. To his credit, he willingly absorbed my volatile psychic energy and kept me from going insane. After all, nothing has happened. I've just extended the torture of the elaborate fantasy I'd woven in my head.

He wished me good luck and I found myself sitting in my cube thirty minutes later, wondering how and when I would lay eyes on RJ. I couldn't really see the office entrance from my desk, so I just stared stupidly at my computer and willed myself to not act like a lost puppy wandering the halls of Win-B.

By 9:30, I couldn't sit still any longer, so I got up and headed to the pantry to get myself a cup of coffee.

I rounded the corner and there she was. Seeing her made the world come back into focus again.

"Hey! Welcome back!" RJ walked towards me.

"Thanks! I need an RJ hug," I didn't know why I said that. We'd never hugged before. But she opened her arms and I burrowed right in. It felt more perfect than I'd ever imagined.

"What's with the glasses?"

Ugh, the glasses. Of course. I turned away and went into the pantry, "Ran out of contacts," I mutter. I started to fill a paper cup with coffee.

"Milk?" RJ opened the fridge.

"Uh-huh," I nodded. And that's when it happened. RJ handed me the carton of milk and I reached for it. Our fingers overlapped. Zing! We both just let the connection hold. It was an extra half a second, but it felt like I was holding her hand in a sun-dappled meadow.

"Thanks," I poured the milk in, and she offered to put the carton back in the fridge. Again, our fingers met - zing! - and again, wordlessly, we luxuriated in the touch.

RJ closed the fridge door and leaned against it, "I like you in glasses. Why don't you wear them more often?"

I put down my coffee and shot her a look of disbelief, "Because I look like a dork."

Mona walked in at that moment, "Good morning, people..." She started pouring herself a cup of coffee.

"You don't look like a dork, you couldn't possibly look like one," RJ said, as if Mona wasn't even there. I could feel Mona trying to get caught up as she looked between me and RJ.

I attempted at a derisive snort, "Yeah, right." I turned and walked out of the pantry.

"Ellie."

I looked back at RJ, who was holding my coffee. Shit. I forgot the effing coffee. "Oh, right. Thanks, RJ." Once more, our fingers found their way to each other. Maybe we should just spend the rest of the day handing things to one another.

Mona was now looking at me with a bemused smile.

"So!" she said brightly, "How was the London trip?"

"Went well," I said, "No surprises, everyone bought into the new model. I think the only question they had was about reporting, but that won't be built out in the accounting software until the end of the week."

Mona bumped her coffee cup against mine, "Nice job! We're going to miss you around here!"

"Not leaving yet... and you guys still have to do the management committee meeting, but thank you! I'm glad we got to a good result."

Mona smiled, "Me too. Let's schedule some time to do some prep before the Committee meeting." She gave me a wink and nodded at RJ before walking back to her office.

"When's your last day?" RJ fell in step with me as I headed to my desk.

"Next Wednesday."

"I don't want you to go."

Whoa.

I tried to respond as lightly as possible, so I took a sip of my coffee, "I'm going to miss you too, RJ. And it doesn't have to be good-bye."

"Really?" RJ smiled.

I nodded, "Sure. You can find some other seemingly intractable issue for me to solve and I can charge you lots and lots of money for solving it."

RJ made to say something, but she closed her mouth again.

"What?"

RJ shook her head, "I was going to make a stupid comment. Ignore me."

I couldn't if I tried...

I shrugged, "Fair enough."

We stood and looked at each other for a moment. I think we could have kissed. But we didn't. I knew I held back because I didn't want it to happen at work. Maybe she felt the same... maybe not. But she had this unmistakably hungry look as she gazed at me and I went all wobbly inside. For me, it wasn't whether we were going to kiss anymore; it was just a matter of time.

Every subsequent day escalated the degree of intimacy just a little more. She'd look at me and I'd bask in the attention of her eyes as I felt them move down to my lips, over my neck, and over the profile of my breasts. My eyes were no less greedy; they traced over every facet of her face, her shoulders, the gentle ridges of the muscles in her forearms when her sleeves were rolled up, and her fingers, strong and straight. I loved her habit of re-tucking her shirt into her pants, because I could feast on how - as she shoved the back bits in - her shirt would stretch across her nipples. I'd never obsessed over anyone's torso before, but I wanted to see RJ's. Hell, I wanted to see, touch, and get my mouth on all of RJ.

More often than not these days, I'd wake up in the middle of the night with my hands and fingers struggling to approximate the satisfaction that I was craving from her touch. I didn't need reference material on how to have sex with a woman... my dreams were an unending movie reel of me and RJ having sex everywhere.

The electric energy I felt between us pulsed with increasing insistence. I felt like we found our own little wrinkle in the larger cosmic-psychic-ethereal realm where we co-existed in total synchronicity. I was in love with her, and I sensed she felt the same, but I didn't dare ask; I couldn't bear the very high likelihood of her telling me that my feelings would not be reciprocated.