Curious Case of a Horseless Headman

"Fuck you, Briant!"

"Ha! I won't fuck you, you cloven-hoofed beast, but fucking Thomasina is another matter. My love for her and in anticipation of the new reborn Constance is already on a far higher level than physical love, although, for the first time in many years I feel I look forward to sharing a fulfilling and loving lifetime once we reach maturity once more. Like you, I lost my faith in The Maker, millions of years ago. Now I believe He did have a plan for me, for us, all along, leading us to this point, your ultimate defeat, and His honourable and deserved victory. I think He has given us a chance to actually reach that evolutionary pitch of perfection on this planet in a couple of million years or so. Ah, our coach has arrived, Handley and Jones'll see that we're comfortable and safe, as their forefathers have ensured without fail for the last sixty million years."

"So," Satan snarled, "you're proud of these mortal humans are you? Made in your image, that will one day be turned into gentle creatures who will live together in perfect harmony, inhabiting some idyllic Paradise on Earth?"

"Of course not, humans are merely fodder for us Vampires, they'll never amount to anything even remotely perfect. They may be tasty, but they are stupid self-possessed creatures for feeding purposes. Now, honey bees are a different matter altogether, they are my pride and joy, I am so pleased with the way they are turning out, I just need to continue to tweak them a little. I am relying on Constance loving honey bees just as much as I do."

"N-Nando, I f-find I can use these lips again!", the young woman's voice physically spoke for the first time in over twenty-one years.

"Welcome back my dear, Thomasina, so lovely to speak with you again. I confess I was worried about you once I stopped hearing your beautiful voice."

"You needn't be, Nando, my love, the Archangel couldn't suppress me completely, although he was never aware of Satan, hiding here all the time in plain sight. But I have always known he was here and I have studied him so closely that I know all his moves."

"I am sure you do my dear. Have I told you yet that I love you and by biting you and allowing you to absorb a little of my blood you have become an immortal and, hopefully be my partner for eternity?"

"Not in so many words, Nando, but I have drawn great strength from your love and, though my body weakens, so my mind and resolve are stronger than ever. Hold on, Satan is trying a full frontal assault, but I can take him!"

"Praise be to you, Thomasina, and to The Maker's Plan."

"I think Satan's in a sulk, Nando, I have just metaphorically kicked his scrawny arse into a forgotten corner of my mind. I feel refreshed by the certainty of the love you have for me and the boost I am absorbing from the gift of immortality you have just given me. I am confident, with your help and continuous devotion, that I can keep Satan suppressed and quiet until Judgement Day. I-I would love to be christened Constance in your, our, church. I regret that I will never see Benjamin again —"

"We can visit him in say, twenty years. He and Izote have your cottage for life. Then we can help him and your grandchildren, I have untold wealth, so I can instruct my servants to make a codicil in my Will to put his finances on a stronger footing."

"I love you so much, Nando and look forward to growing to maturity, being married and sharing endless nights of passion with you, sucking your salty seed while you feast on my honeyed oils and combine our juices in my womb. But pray tell, what's this I hear You discuss with Satan about honey bees?"

"My dear Constance to be, Sweetheart, over the next couple of million years while we work through many passionate lifetimes towards producing the Perfect Paradise on Earth that The Maker seeks, I'd value your advice on the subject of the evolution of honey bees as the next dominant species on this planet, turning this whole planet back into a Garden of Eden, filled with flowers —"

"And a couple of fucking Vampires?" she asks.

"I'm sure we'll be doing much of what comes naturally, dear heart. After the failure of Reptiles and Mammals, it is time that Insects ruled the world, and what better than the gentle hum and all that luscious honey..."

The end