Dark Stag Ch. 03

"Call your raptors, reset!" The referee had stated.

All the jockeys held up their hand perches and whistled for their birds. Their birds all came down, swooping to their perches as the jockeys and their horses got into position. I looked at Kijus who simply looked mind boggled.

"This is one of the craziest, most amazing things I've ever seen." He said.

"So, how do you feel about this?" I asked.

"You mean the human and raptor interaction? I say the bond is ridiculously strong between them! The birds are getting more than enough stimuli and it's just damn fun to watch!" He said back. I was astounded. I thought he'd be opposed to this on every level.

"Heh," I chuckled, "I thought you'd be against this in every way."

"I mean, I was raised to believe that everything must fill its natural role and nothing but...but I don't like to think that way. I mean, look how happy those damn raptors are!" He smiled. His eyes glistened with passion, delighted to see content raptors.

The game lasted for two hours and it was intense the whole way through. The lure had been juggled between raptors and riders so much the score eventually was two to three, opposing team loses against defending team by one point. However, due to several recurring penalties from both riders and raptors, the rep knocked both scores down to zero and a rematch was scheduled for next month. It made tensions rise between the Caspian people and the Southern people.

While verbal slurs were transferred, Kijus ran off, ready to help the short-wing falconers train their birds. I didn't want to bother to follow him. Jon, a short-wing falconer, was someone I didn't want to see! I burned that bridge well enough after he said such cruel words to me! However, the turnout wasn't much different from Kijus. The difference was that...well...Kijus had this presence about him that seemed so free and I don't want to barge on his freedom. Jon completely led me on; let me feel for him and then took it all away! I just wasn't ready to forgive him just yet, maybe not ever...

I went into the aviary to talk to my brother. He and his little clique of long-wing falconers joked around as I entered their locker room.

"That boy with the big ass long wing is weird as fuck." Robin said as he took off his chain link suit.

"I know..." Richard laughed, sounding sad to admit it. He slid down the chainmail tights.

"Like, who the fuck rides a stag?" Snare asked.

"That thing is badass though!" Richard responded.

"That thing is fucking Satan. It triedsto kill a horse every time it sees one!" Snare continued.

"And why does he act so debonair like he's the best falconer here?" Robin pondered.

"Yeah, it pissed me off when he was sitting there in the stands with this look as if he was soooooo unimpressed. Where the hell is that kid now?" Miles asked as he stretched on the floor.

"Um..." I chimed in, "Well, he is the best falconer... not that he even calls himself one."

All eyes fell on me. The three boys looked at me, not at all pleased with my presence.

"So did he like the game? He ran off before I got the chance to ask him." Richard asked.

"Yeah, he said he was surprised...you all do a damn well job." I said back. All four boys looked at one another.

"Um..." Miles began, "I doubt he said that...if he did he would have stayed."

"No, he has to work with the short wings. They are the problem birds so..." I said back. The boy's eyes fell on Richard as they hoped he'd shoo me away.

"That is one busy ass boy." Richard sighed as he slid down on the floor, down into a middle split. The three boys hid their shock, unsure why Richard was actually being nice to me.

"Whose white winged kite was that?" I asked. Miles stuck his hand up, looking at me with uncertainty.

"That's a bad ass bird of yours...That barrel roll it did three feet above the ground was just amazing." I said, taking a seat on the bench.

"Hey." Richard began thinking deeply on something.

"Yeah?" I asked.

"Did Kijus ever like...mention where he got Rejon from?"

"Um...I think he said he bought him from a cheap merchant and Rejon imprinted on him right after. Why?" I asked.

"What? Did you not see that thing leap over the perimeter wall and the fact that it can run twice as fast as a horse! I mean if we can get four of them for the team we'd raise the standard across the nation!"

"That'd be a chore. Kijus seems frustrated as is. He might not help, you know what happened to Rejon...and I'm pretty sure Rejon, just like Bazahra and Silver, is the last of his kind."

"It's a fucking stag!" Miles said, failing to see the significance of the animal.

"It's more loyal than your horse will ever prove itself." I said back sassily.

"Yeah man, I don't know what Kijus did but...this thing had a rifle wound, stitches and massive blood loss yet crossed hundreds of miles of desert to get here simply because it was that close to him." Richard laughed, amazed by the thought.

"Um... Maybe bestiality." Miles chuckled.

"Dude, shut up..." Richard sighed, not liking Mile's joke.

"What?" Miles laughed. Richard shook his head in disapproval. The entire time, Robin never broke his glare from me.

"If you don't mind me asking, why are you here?" Robin asked.

"Really?" My brother asked him, coming to my defense.

"I needed to talk to my brother." I laughed.

"Well go ahead..." Richard said.

"Nah," I sighed, getting to me feet, "We can talk when your little entourage decides not to be burning rectum fluid with their shit for antics."

I left and went back to my room. A few minutes later, Richard was at my door. He entered the room cautiously, still not sure just how far my boundaries were. We were not close at all we needed to learn each other. However, I meant no harm anymore, the past being the past... He found me sitting on the very uncomfortable sofas in the living area.

"I really need to redesign my room..." I said.

"What did you want?" He asked, quite curious.

"I wonder if you wanted to help me keep Kijus here as long as possible. I've decided on what I wanted to do. I kind of want to make him want to marry me and the only way how, is to give myself a chance to grow on him!" I said. Richard looked at me, a bit disgusted but mostly shocked.

"You want to get into his pants that bad? That's like when you got into Jon's pants and moved along to the next person when Jon was mad for you..." Richard said, lips curled into a frown.

"No that's not what happened." I said back.

"Man, Look at him! He is not even ready for marriage! The boy is more content with the present than the future. Don't trap him either, Roi. I know how you can get when you're feeling....rejected." He said with a chuckle, trying not to sound too blunt.

"That's why I need to buy some time. When Rejon gets better, I already know it. He's gone. He wants adventure, it's clearly obvious... All and all, I'm not what he wants but I feel like I could be if he'd just give me a chance!" I argued. Richard took a seat, sighing.

"Is that how you felt about Jon and the others before you like... lost interest? Before you met Kijus, you had no desire to get married. You just want what you can't have. If you keep on doing this crazy shit, you two are both going to end up very, very hurt..." He said, trying to keep it all brief. Richard was ridiculously intelligent with wisdom beyond his years. I was three years older than him, the boy being just eighteen. It made it hard to listen to him, especially when he had the tendency to be condescending and entitled. Then again, he tended to always be right. I was in quite a dilemma.

The situation only spiraled more as Kijus came to my door. I answered it, not sure what would bring him here.

"What did you do to that Jon kid?" He asked right off the bat. It rattled me to the core!

"What?" I asked back, trying to make sure I heard him correctly.

"Jon! The other day I was talking to him and when you came over he just left like...and then today when I was helping him with Chesnutt, he just became an almost entire full and open book." He said as he took a seat next to Richard.

"What did he say?" I asked.

"Um, he ducked and swerved with his words, but you could hear he was hurting. He said you two were going strong then you replaced him with some little slave boy a few months ago and started treating him different and eventually cut him all the way off. He said when he confronted you, you just failed to realize the wrong in your ways and flipped it all on him as though your infidelity could only be blamed by him!" Kijus said.

"I'm gonna kill that mother fucker..." I hissed, "I told Jon to never speak of this again."

"But it's your fault though." Richard pointed out. I shook my head, not wanting these two ganging up on me.

"I don't like dibbling and dabbling but the boy only told me this because he sees how close we're getting. He's either thinking I'm going to get hurt the same way he did, or he simply wants to wedge us apart... but that is beside the point... he's hurting, Roi." Kijus said back.

"After what he said to me, what's the point in trying to fix it?" I asked.

"You never really gave him closure, Roi. At least have the respect to give him that. I mean you lead the boy own then dumped him for a random slave you bought...a girl at that! How can he compete with a girl? You deserved everything he said to you!" Richard sighed.

"See," I began, "This is why I never like talking to you! You always try to make me feel like crap!"

"I never wanted... Roi... I don't want anything but the best for you! You have to start wanting it for yourself..." Richard insisted.

"OH MY GOD, SHUT UP!" I yelled, losing my patience.

"Both of you..." Kijus warned. Roi and I looked at him. His voice had a steeliness to it that commanded both of us... We fell silent as he geared to continued, "Look, you never specified your definition of the relationship with him. You made things move so fast got into that boy's head broke his heart. You took his damn virginity..."

"But, what's the significance of a virginity though? I hear everyone juggle it around but, I don't get it..." I asked.

"For a person, their first time can be such a big step, a big leap, it's a lot of emotions involved. You're breaking down walls and letting a person see you in your most vulnerable state. You connect with them in a very intimate and intricate way. For some people, it weighs heavy on them. They will never be able to forget the heat of their first moment." Kijus responded. It put a lot into perspective for me. Not only did it answer why Kijus refused me but why Jon became so volatile afterwards. I never considered the level of emotion built up for someone to have their first sexual act. It made me think back on when I lost my virginity. Truly it was a tragic day, many, many years ago... and I am still wrecked by the thoughts.

"You just don't know how selfish it is for you to simply take someone's virginity and not have a care after!" Richard scolded. I could see the smolder in his eyes! Even Kijus was affected by it. But all and all, I was at a loss for words.

"...Well someone should have told that to Sir... Nevermind... So what am I supposed to do, go back to him, get down on my hands and knees and beg to him as though he means something to me?" I asked. Richard looked at me, wondering what was I about to say. He scratched his head, looking at Kijus, unsure if he heard me correctly.

"No, but at least apologize to burry the hatchet. And, are you serious? He didn't mean anything to you?" Kijus asked, deeply unsettled.

"It's kind of hard to give a fuck about anyone when so many..." I said, choking on my words, "I did in the beginning... But I couldn't go on with him."

"Roi, just promise me you'll never hurt anyone this way again though..." Richard sighed. I looked at him smolderingly. He didn't know all I've been through and his words were really bothering me. Sensing this, Kijus cleared his through.

"Let's take it one thing at a time. First thing first, Roi... Where is your self love?" He asked me. The question hit me hard. I looked at him, my eyes welling up with tears as thoughts from the past began to linger in my mind. How could I love myself when I've been cursing myself for things I couldn't change about me, things that brought attention of the worst degree to me? That was one daunting feat I couldn't dare prepare for. How could I answer this damned question?

Richard looked at me, unsure where these tears were coming from. He knew so little about it. I wanted to tell him everything so maybe he could understand the reason I am this way. But he was so imposing, so condescending, I didn't want to even try.

"I don't know..." I finally said back. Kijus could see something was deeply wrong with me.

"Well, you have to start, Roi. If you love yourself, it's going to be so much easier to love others... So much..." He said, sympathizing with me. He spoke with the same wisdom of Richard but much kinder, much more gentle. It made me want to always stay near him, never leaving his side.

However, he didn't stay long. He got to his feet, sighing.

"I didn't meant to make you cry... But we got to fix this. We got to start with some self love, Roi. I'll see you in the morning." He smiled. I didn't want him to leave! He was everything my soul could want! It made me shake, watching him walk away.

The door slammed hard. I turned to my brother, having a lot to think about.

"You realize Kijus is just as much of a victim of your as Jon is right?" Richard asked. What he said cut me deep. I looked at him, not even upset... My eyes pleaded with him to shut the fuck up.
"Please, no more..." I begged, going to my bed.

"Come on, brother! You can't walk away from this..." Richard insisted.

"Richard, please!" I said, losing patience.

"What's with you...? You're soft now...? Crying to your pillow instead of owning up to what you did wrong, wanting to blame everyone except yourself why what's wrong?" Richard continued.

"I'll do it..." I said, growing tired of his insistent droning in my ear.

"Very well." Richard said.

In the dimming light, I went to the Aviary followed by both Richard. We went to the short wing aviary and indeed, Jon was there with Chesnutt. Richard stood out of sight, but in earshot. I couldn't believe I was about to do this.

Jon was completely unaware that I entered the aviary.

"Hey." I said. The boy was startled, turning to face me. His surprise quickly turned to disdain as he realized who I was. He had nothing to say to me.

"You still hate me?" I asked.

"Yes..." He said plainly, continuing to tie Chesnutt's leather strappings.

"It's okay, I hate me too." I sighed, causing him to pause.

"Don't start..." He warned.

"I came to apologize, to hope you understand that I'm a fuck up. I fuck shit up, all the time and I tend to not see the wrong in my ways. Well I do no..."

"And what, I'm supposed to come crawling back to you AFTER YOU HURT ME LIKE YOU DID? YOU THINK I CAN TRUST YOU? YOU THINK I CAN EVER GIVE YOU WHAT I GAVE YOU AND BE ALRIGHT? THE THINGS YOU SAID TO ME, WHAT YOU THINK THEY CAN BE ERASED?" He exploded, his eyes welling up with tears.

"No..." I said back, being completely truthful. It took him aback.

"So why are you here?" He cried.

"To apologize... I did you wrong..." I said, shaking my head. He looked at me, unsure what to make of this.

"And I guess you came expecting me to forgive you?" He said through the grit of his teeth.
"Look, I don't care if you forgive me or not. I told you I'm sorry, for what I did and if you can't accept it... it becomes your issue. This will not dictate how I lived my life... My guilt wears thin..." I said bluntly.

"I know it does... It always has... You're not sorry... Your new lover is making you do this since you can't hold water! You had to tell him everything..." Jon snarled.

"What? I don't have a new lover..." I said back, unsure where he was going.

"Oh, so I'M BLIND? I see how you and KIJUS look at each other... I know you and him are a thing..." He said.

"Yes..." I said back, "You are blind... This is futile... I did my job.. I told you I'm sorry. I didn't come to argue with you..."

"How can you say you didn't come to argue when we never even resolved anything!" He said. I said nothing else, heading towards the door. Before I could leave, he rushed the door, preventing me from leaving, "What are you doing?"

He didn't even know. It was clear his feelings were still there, but mine weren't.

"I'm sorry..." He wepped, "...For whatever I did that made you cheat. Just please don't walk away from me again..."

"It was nothing you did that made me cheat... I'm not... How can I keep you when I'm not happy with myself... I need to find out some things about who I am before I am ever ready for a relationship... It's going to keep going the way it did." I said back, hoping he would get what I was saying. I didn't want to say no, plainly.

"But, I know why you did it and it is my fault. I couldn't take Sir..."
"QUIT!" I shouted, not wanting to relive such a horrible point in my life. He heeded, knowing how deep rooted that pain was. Pitty filled his face...

"I know you, Roi... I know the things you've been through. I was wrong to walk away too... Nothing is ever perfect, which is something I understand! We're all a work in progress." He said.

"I don't want to hurt you again..." I said, not wanting to rekindle these old flames.

"If you have to hurt me to get better, then I'll let you. What we have is real, Roi." He insisted.

"I know but..." I said, truly torn.

"You know what?" He asked, coming closer. I couldn't resist him.

Two slender arms gently wrapped around my frame. His warm chest press against mine, his chin planting in my shoulder.

"It's just me and you..." He said, "No one else matters..."
"You know that's not true!" I said breaking his embrace, "I got issues Jon, and I seriously don't want to hurt you again..."
"Okay? Hurt me! I'll still be there! I know why you're doing it.. that's all that matters to me, Roi... You've been hurt! It's why you hurt me..." Jon said, full of understanding. My head slowly fell to his shoulder, tears falling down my cheeks. What if he truly would provide support like he said he would? It would make hurting him all the more taxing on me. The love I had for him was still there, just buried under deep, deep layers of pain. He understood though...

Despite this sweet embrace and a rekindled bond, there was a question in the air. What excuse would it be to hurt him because of my past pains? The fact that he was so understanding and so willing to commit made it very difficult to imagine hurting him. How could he help me get past it? What could he possibly do to make me grow after such terrible things happened to me? I didn't know but I wanted to put every ounce of faith I had into him!

Our embrace drew to an end. We just stood face to face, holding hands, thinking of our rocky past.

"We both said some hurtful things...things we didn't know would affect us the way they did. I will make it plain and clear my intent this time, rather than to get over on you. I want to be with you." I said.

"Ok, just tell me things! Talk to me! We need to learn how to trust each other so we can communicate. It's just you and me! Like I said, no one else matters! No outside people need to be in! We can keep it private and to ourselves if that is what we have to do to build trust." He said firmly. I nodded, knowing this was going to be hard. I've never truly trusted anyone before and today would be the day to start...

"I thought you and Kijus had a thing..." Jon continued, quite relieved.

"No, he's strictly about the business." I responded, still thinking about what Kijus might look like underneath the robes and tights. The boy obviously had no idea how gorgeous he was. Jon just looked at me, a smile spreading across his face. The boy knew me better than I'd like to give him credit for.