Driving Home for Christmas

"You didn't tell her did you Dad."

"I couldn't, she's already gone. How can I beg her not to go, when she's already there?"

"Have you told her you love her?"

"No. It didn't seem right somehow. I think maybe it's too late for that sort of thing. I might have to settle for just being friends."

Some might call it a self fulfilling prophecy. I don't know. What I do know is that as the weeks went by we seemed to find less time to speak to one another. Our conversations became about what was happening in our lives, never about our feelings. Some time after Easter I could tell there something she was avoiding.

"What is it Seph? I keep thinking you are going to say something important and then you back away from it."

"Well there is something I just wasn't sure how you would take it, but we're friends right? So it shouldn't be a problem? It's something I should have told you back in Catterick. Clifford is out here, in Germany. We've been together for a few months now."

I just sat there waiting, knowing there was more to come.

"He's asked me to marry him, and ..... And I've said yes."

I sat in silence for a while trying to take it all in. What was it about me? Why could I not hold on to a woman?

"Say something Drew. You're one of my best friends, aren't you happy for me?"

"What, Oh yes, yes of course I'm happy for you (I lied). I don't know much about Clifford only what you've told me and that isn't much"

"He's a doctor. Oh he is a lovely man Drew. You'll like him."

I had serious doubts about the last statement.

"So have you set a date yet?"

"Not yet, no, we think sometime in September. You will come won't you? I'd really like you to be there."

"I will if I can." I lied again. I knew there was no way I could stand in the congregation and watch the woman I loved, marry another man. It would have been like the Yvonne Fair song "It shoulda been me".

This time I'd sort of seen it coming. I didn't want it to happen but now that it had I found it didn't hit me as hard as Penny's betrayal. I still felt pretty bad for a while but didn't have to depend on anyone else. I had been looking around for a chance to move. I'd been hearing rumours about problems between Penny and her new husband. I don't know if there was any connection but I had noticed her driving past the house a few times, and twice I saw her sitting in her car just looking at the house. I knew I didn't want to be around when it all fell apart so when a head of department position became vacant in Penrith, I applied. For the first time I was glad that I'd honoured my contract at the college, they gave me a glowing reference. It was only after I was offered the job that I gave any thought to what to do with my house. I'd more or less decided to rent it out when Phoebe made her announcement. It was her first day at home for the Easter break, and while we were drinking coffee after dinner she told me.

"Daddy, you know Robert and I are pretty serious don't you."

"Yes, I sort of expected you'd get married one day." Then a bit of panic hit me. I'd heard about how divorcing parents often resulted in the children being unwilling to make a commitment. "You're not breaking up are you? You two seemed so right for each other."

"No, it's just the opposite, in fact. We want to get married. You know I love him Daddy. We don't want to wait; we know we want to spend our lives together."

I heaved a sigh of relief. "So are you asking my permission, or you asking me to pay for it?"

"Well now you mention it.....Seriously Dad I've told Robert that I don't want a big wedding were both in enough debt as it is. Robert's parents would probably pay but I really don't want that."

"No one else is paying for my daughter's wedding."

"I knew you'd say that. I've got some great ideas. It really won't be that expensive."

"Where are you going to live?"

"I don't know we'll probably rent somewhere while we save for a deposit."

"Live here. You can pay me rent."

"But we couldn't possibly afford this place."

"Oh I think you could, if you didn't have to save."

"Now you've got me confused."

"It's simple, really. You live here pay rent to my agent. I put the money into an account and in three years or so, when you want to move on, or I want to come back, I give you what is in the account as your deposit on a house."

"Oh Daddy, would you really do that for me."

"For my only daughter of course I would."

"But why bother with the agent? We would save even more if we paid the rent direct to you."

"You miss a payment, they will chase you. I couldn't do that to my little girl."

"Do you really mean it Dad? I'd love to live here but where are you going to live?"

"I have my eye on a little cottage in Ullswater. I've got a new job in Penrith. I've been wondering what to do about this place I didn't want to sell it; you will look after the old place won't you. "

"Of course I will Dad, It's my home."

"Good. Now young lady, you have a wedding to plan, and I have to find some money." I stood up and collected the cups and walked into the kitchen.

I came back in and dropped Penny's engagement and wedding rings on the table.

"You could have these. That would save you a few bob."

"Phoebe's mouth fell open. She seemed genuinely shocked.

"Dad, those are Mum's rings. You can't expect me to wear them. If they were a family heirloom I'd understand, but mum's still alive. I can't do it Dad I won't do it."

I sat down beside her and put my arm around her.

"I'm sorry darling I'm being thoughtless aren't I. It's just that they've been sitting in that drawer since your mother and I split up. I have no idea what to do with them. Perhaps I should sell them; they'd fetch a fair amount these days."

"Just give them back to her Dad. I'm sure she'd like that, and every time you see them it's just a reminder of what happened. You should talk to mum, I'm sure she'll help with the wedding if she can. You should talk to her dad."

"I've no desire to talk to her and no need of her help."

"You'll have to talk to her at the wedding. You know I have to invite her don't you?"

"Yes, of course you do. Don't worry, I'll be nice. Just keep that little arsehole away from me."

"I'll do my best, but I do wish you'd talk to mum. I know she's very unhappy."

"Well I'm sorry about that, but it's hardly my fault. Perhaps she'll feel better after he's gone. Shouldn't be too long now, just over two years by my reckoning."

"Dad can't you cut him some slack. Is it too hard to believe that he might actually be in love with mum?"

"It's not hard to believe that any man might fall in love with your mother. She's a very attractive woman. Any man might fall in love with her just not him."

We left it at that and I trusted Phoebe to do what she said. She gave some concessions to her future mother in law. The service was held in our local church. She resisted fancy hotels for the reception and instead hired the college silver service restaurant. The college was originally a catering college, the starting place for many top chefs. The food was excellent and I got staff discount. The in laws were very impressed. Throughout the meal I sat at my daughter's side, while her mother was at the end of the table. Phoebe's seating plan had put the arsehole on the far side of the room. The meal went off without a hitch and my, father of the bride speech, went down well. I waited until the toasts were over and the bride and groom went out on the floor for the first dance. I noticed Penny working her way across the room towards me, and the arsehole homing in on her. I said my goodbyes, first to the in-laws and then to the bride and groom. Penny was delayed by Robert's mum and dad, Unfortunately, Damanescu had no such delay and he accosted me as I waited for the lift.

"Mr Styles." he called out."Why can we not end this? What have I ever done to you?" He had obviously drunk too much wine.

I moved towards the stairs but he blocked my way.

"Why do you do this to me? Why can you not just accept what has happened and just let us live our lives?"

"If I knew what you were talking about I might just give you an answer. As it is I don't have a clue. Now step aside and let me pass."

He didn't move. It must have been the alcohol that had given him the courage. "Oh you know. You know alright. Why did I lose my job in Romania? Why would no one else take me on? I am on a blacklist there. None of the NGOs would take me on. Now in England I get no work."

"Have you tried Tesco, I think they are hiring."

"Tesco? Tesco? I'm an interpreter not a fucking shop assistant. No I don't go to Tesco."

"Perhaps there isn't much call for a Romanian interpreter. So you'll have to continue living off your wife's earnings."

As he swung at me I heard Penny scream his name. I ducked and put my fist into his solar plexus. He folded and stumbled backwards. I heard Penny scream again and looked up to see him toppling backwards at the top of the stairs. I reached out and grabbed one of his flailing arms and pulled him back onto the landing. I let him fall to the floor. I looked down at him on his hands and knees gasping for breath.

"Now you arsehole don't go thinking I did that for you. I did it for her." I said pointing to Penny. "So that's another thing you should thank your wife for."

The lift door opened and I made a beeline for it. Penny grabbed my arm just as I got there.

"You don't have to go Drew. We'll leave. He's already had too much to drink. I'll take him home. Go back in there and dance with our daughter."

She went back to Damanescu and helped him to his feet and started to move him towards the lift. She waved at me as they moved. "Go on, get back in there, go, go."

I did as she said and was welcomed with a beaming smile from Phoebe. I stayed until the newly weds left. I got home and as I threw my keys in the draw I saw the rings there. I searched through the drawers, found a padded envelope and dropped the rings into it. I sat at my desk and scribbled a note.

These mean nothing to me now.

You might as well have them.

Drew

Yes I knew it would hurt but so what?

I wrote Penny's address on the envelope, stamped it and put it with the bills to be posted. As I climbed the stairs I felt good, at least I wouldn't be looking at them anymore.

The move into my Ullswater house went smoothly. I found I could get a good Sunday lunch at the local pub. For the first few weeks I stayed at work until 9 pm while I got on top of the admin systems. Being head of department I only had five hours of teaching to do each week. The rest of my time was spent on admin duties, attending meetings and managing the staff. Once I'd got my head around the system I found that I had a lot more time than I did as a lecturer. At weekends I was able to get out and do a bit of fell walking. I established a friendly relationship with the barmaid at the Black Lion, A pleasant young widow who was always up for a bit of cash in hand work. She agreed to come in and clean my house before going to work in the pub. As time went by we introduced a benefits side to our friendship. Life was O.K. I had a good job, more time to enjoy life and I was making friends but always there was that hole in my life. A hole that should have been filled by my family, and that special someone.

David and Phoebe kept me abreast of what was happening down in Kent. It came as no surprise to learn that Ion had disappeared. Romania had been accepted as a member of the EU so the Home Office decided to grant all outstanding requests for permanent residence. He had no need for Penny anymore. Phoebe and Robert loved coming up to see me. The Lake District is a beautiful place most times of year. It was on one of those visits that they told me about Ion.

"Aren't you going to say it" Phoebe asked.

"Say what?"

"I told you so.--Go on you can say it you've earned the right."

"Why bother, it gives me no comfort to know your mother is suffering."

"Well there is the puzzle Dad. She doesn't seem to be; suffering that is. Not like you were after she....Well anyway she doesn't seem to be that unhappy about it. She spends a lot of her time with Gran."

"Ah those two always did get on well together."

"Watch out Dad, They are planning something."

"They can plan all they like; it doesn't mean that I have to go along with it."

"Is there really no chance Dad?"

"None at all, that ship has sailed."

She never raised the subject again but I was a little curious, I called my mother every week and she'd never mentioned Penny. As I told Phoebe they'd always been friendly, mum was one of those who wanted me to patch things up. I at least, expected her to tell me Penny was free but she said nothing. I was grateful really knowing that someone was there for mum. She was nearly eighty and I felt guilty for being more than three hundred miles away. I dreaded the day when she didn't answer the phone. Knowing that Penny was looking in on her made me feel better.

It started in mid September. I got a text telling me to ring mum as soon as possible. When I called I got Penny. She told me mum was in hospital with a urinary tract infection. I left on Friday night to be with her that weekend. Three days later she was back home and right as rain, but it was the beginning of the end. By mid November she'd been in hospital another two times. Finally it was pneumonia, and this time she didn't pull through.

I took some compassionate leave from the college and stayed with Phoebe while I arranged the funeral. Mum would have been very pleased to see the turnout at the Funeral. The fact that Lady Caroline turned up would have made her day. I did my best to make the wake a celebration of her life rather than a mournful occasion, however, I wasn't feeling too cheerful. The guilt ate into me. When she needed me I'd been more than three hundred miles away. I was talking to Caroline when Penny came up to talk to her.

"Caroline, it's so lovely to see you."

Lady Caroline looked straight through her. She put her arm around me.

"Come outside Drew, I'd like to speak to you."

We walked out of the hall and into the street.

"What happened between you and Percy? The last time I saw her it was Drew this and Drew that, and now I find that she's married to Clifford, someone I've never particularly cared for. What went on between you two?"

"She went to Germany."

"And didn't you try to stop her?"

"Strange as it may seem Caroline, I was on my way to do just that when she phoned me to say she was already there."

"And you gave up just like that. Doesn't sound like the Drew I know. Please don't tell me you're getting back with Penny."

"No Caroline. There's no chance of that. She's here because my mother always liked her. She was actually very good to Mum when I was up in Ullswater."

"I see. --I might have some work coming up in Oituz soon. Would you be up to managing it for me? It might take as long as ten days,"

"As long as it falls within the college holiday times, I'll certainly do it."

"Good man, I knew I could depend on you. Come we'd better go back in there, you've got mourners to talk to."

As the afternoon progressed, people started to drift away. I, of course, had to stand at the door thanking everyone for coming. As the afternoon came to an end there was only David, Phoebe, Penny and me. Penny got her coat and came over to me. It was the first time I'd spoken to Penny since Ion left.

"So you told Caroline about us." she said.

"I didn't have to; her best friend's daughter was there with me in Bucharest."

"Would that be the same woman who spoke to me on the phone?"

"Yes it probably was"

"Well it certainly explains a thing or two, Caroline knowing. Ex-Parliamentary private secretary, contacts throughout the civil service and charity sector. Ion doesn't stand a chance does he?"

"I'm not sure I understand."

"Come on Drew your not daft. After Ion got fired, no one in Bucharest would touch him. You say it wasn't you who got him sacked and on reflection you never had the contacts to pull off the blacklisting. Caroline does though." She started to laugh.

"What's so funny?"

"It was his dream to be an interpreter for the EU in Brussels the poor lamb doesn't stand a chance does he?"

I grinned. "With Caroline on his case probably not."

She reached out and squeezed my hand. "How are you holding up?"

"Not bad I suppose I just wish I hadn't moved to Cumbria. I feel guilty being all the way up there, while she was suffering down here."

"You shouldn't, she understood. She was incredibly proud of you, she talked about you all the time, I've learned more about your childhood these last few months than in all our years together."

"Well thank you for being with her. It was a comfort knowing you were here for her."

"It really was no trouble, I enjoyed being there. --And you shouldn't feel guilty. You had to work and your mum knew that."

She left and David came over to me.

"Well that's it Dad everyone's gone. We should lock up and take the keys back. --I see you and mum are speaking again."

"Yeah, well, she did a lot for your Gran these last few months. I just wanted to say thanks."

Mum didn't have a lot in the way of cash. I found an insurance policy that covered the cost of her funeral. The only asset she had was her house. She and dad had bought it new in 1958 for two thousand pounds. I was more than a little surprised when the estate agent valued it at £300,000 and said that a bit of modernisation would bump it up by another twenty grand. Enough to buy my little cottage outright and have cash left over.

That November, and December, weren't the brightest of months. It seemed strange to me but I missed mum even though I hardly saw her since I'd moved up to Ullswater. On Sundays when I would have called her I found myself picking up the phone before correcting myself. I found myself thinking about Penny. She'd spent so much time with mum before she died, she must be feeling pretty empty. Once or twice I was tempted to ring her but always changed my mind. When I called Phoebe I always asked after her.

"She's lonely dad, but she's OK" was all that she would say.

That Christmas I travelled down to Kent. As usual, I travelled a couple of days before the holiday. I was staying with Phoebe and was overjoyed to find out she was pregnant. She seamed a bit uneasy from the time I arrived and it took her a whole day to get around to telling me why.

"Dad...About Christmas Day. You know we normally spend Christmas day with you and Gran here and then go to Mum's on Boxing Day. Well now that Gran is not with us and Ion's left mum on her own. I didn't want either of you to have to be on your own for a day. I've err.. I've invited Mum over for Christmas. She says she won't come if it makes you uncomfortable."

I waited to see if there was anything else to come. I'd already worked out that it would be difficult and knowing Phoebe I'd expected something like this.

"Please Dad. I know what she did to you was wrong. She knows it too and I know how sorry she is. Please Dad just for two days can't we try to be a family all together."

I told myself it was my recent bereavement that made the tears come so readily, but come they did. Phoebe ran across the room and hugged me.

"I'm sorry Dad we don't have to if you can't manage it."

"It's not that my darling girl. A few years ago I'd have said you are your mother's daughter. That's how I remember her, always the peace maker, always thinking of others. Don't change; promise me you'll never change like she did."

"She hasn't changed Dad, she just lost her way for a while that's all. I think we both know who to blame for that."

"It takes two to tango Pheeb you can't put all the blame on him."