Dying to Come Out

The voice became instantly familiar to my ears and my mouth hung open for a moment. Carol rushed over to see if I was okay, I raised my hand to stop her. She was about to end the Q & A portion when I stood up and said, "Victoria?"

The woman left her row to stand in the empty aisle and I saw that it was indeed Victoria. My mind had drifted towards her often over the past two weeks, but I always caught myself before I could go to deep into thought and now here she was at my book reading asking me a question I really didn't expect to hear. "Um ... I'm sorry ladies and gentlemen, but if you'd give me just a moment, I'll be back for the book reading." I said and jumped down off the small platform.

Walking down the aisle, I motioned for Victoria to go ahead of me. We walked outside to talk in front of the bookstore. I was shocked and happy to see her, but her question was going to raise questions that I didn't want to answer with Carol and my mother who had come to hear the reading. I shook my head and then said, "Why would you do that? Why would you come here? You could've called me if you wanted to talk."

"I have been calling and emailing you, but I haven't gotten a respond to either so I figured I'd come where I knew you'd be. I'm sorry that I asked you like that, but I had to get your attention somehow. You've been ignoring me." Victoria said as she tried to take a step closer to me.

I raised my hand and she stopped. I didn't need this right now. "Look, I haven't been ignoring you. One of my assistants has my phone and I haven't gotten any messages from them informing me that you called. As far as my email, that thing is routed through Carol because so many of my fans send me requests for autographs or something like that. I'm sorry if you thought I ignored you, but I wasn't. I have to get back in there can you wait around until after the signing is over. I'm here for the night. We can talk."

"Yes, I can. I'll let you go." She said and moved out of the way so I could go back inside. With a nod, I walked back into the Barnes & Noble.

Two and a half hours later, the last of my fans were getting their books signed and having a small chit chat with me. I thanked each of them for coming. Once that was over, I got my phone from my assistant Kayley, and told Carol that I was going out to dinner. I'd meet her in the lobby in the morning for the flight.

Saying goodbye, I walked over to where Victoria had been since coming in from our earlier conversation.

"You ready to go? I know this quiet little pizza place not too far from here." I said as she stood up.

"Yes, that sounds perfect. Are they okay with you going out?" She said motioning to Carol and the few of my assistants standing near the stage looking at us.

"Yes, I don't answer to them. It's actually the other way around." I said and waved at them. They seemed to realize that they were staring at us and all moved in opposite directions.

Victoria laughed and reacted for my hand. I guess she realized it and immediately put them in her pocket. I was about to say something, but decided against it and opened the door for her. We walked over to my car. The drive to the pizzeria was very short and quiet.

Inside we ordered, and sat at one of the privacy booths. She looked at everything, but me. I was beginning to worry, when she looked at me and said, "I can't be with you if you are in the closet, Sammie. I don't know how to not be affectionate with you when everytime I'm around you, I want to be touching you or something. It's like I get too close you start freaking out. I can't deal with that. We can be friend and if one day, you come out, then maybe we can see what may happen, but until then, friendship is all I can give you and even that will have to come after I get my feelings for you under control. I'm sorry. I have to go now before I do something stupid."

With that, Victoria got up and left. At that moment, our pizza arrived. I ate half of it before I wanted to cry. I took the rest of it to go and made it back to my hotel room before I broke down.

The next few weeks were hell. I couldn't stop thinking about what Victoria had said to me and she hadn't been in touch with me other than when I texted her. Everytime she said that she wasn't ready to be friends and that she'd get back to me when she was. I left her alone and hoped that she would call or text me soon. Everyone in on my staff seemed to realize the change that took place in me and they all wanted me to talk about it, but I couldn't. I didn't want to think about it more than I already was.

The last week of the book reading ended in New York and I was happy to be sleeping in my own bed. I'd been plauged with thoughts and dreams of Victoria for the last couple of weeks and they showed no signs of stopping.

This proved to be true on the final day of the tour, I was saying goodbye to my fans and I swore that one of them was Victoria. I moved through the crowd to stand a few feet away from the blonde haired goddess. "Victoria?" I said in a voice so low, I almost thought I only said it in my head. The woman turned and said, "I'm sorry. No, I'm Amber Lee." She smiled when she realized it was me. She opened her mouth again, but before she could, I said, "I'm very sorry. I thought you were someone else. If you'll excuse me." With that I turned and left.

Once outside, I took a deep breath trying to keep from crying. At that exact moment, Carol came up behind me and said, "Why don't you just go and see her?"

"Her? Who are you talking about?" I said as I turned to look at her.

"The woman who was in D.C. The one you clearly miss." Carol answered.

"I don't know what you're talking about, Carol. I'll see you in a few days." I said as I started towards my car.

"Right." Carol said just loud enough for me to hear.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

My 26th birthday was just two days away and my parents had collaborated with one of my assistants to throw me a party. They thought that I didn't know, but there was little you could keep from me when it came to things like this. I put it out of my mind and decided that when the time came, I would just put on a smile and get through the bloody party with as little issues as possible.

Until the night of the party, I was basically on vacation again. I decided to go to a little hole in the wall place that I knew out in Queens. I was sure that I could find a way to entertain myself without letting too many things into my head. My driver insisted on taking me and after countless arguements, I agreed.

Walking into Secrets was what I remembered from my old party days. Loud, dim, and the sexual energy of the place was through the roof. Making my way over to the bar, I ordered a rum and coke. I got hit on throughout the night, but wasn't in the mood for company so after about three hours and four drinks, I called it a night.

When I made it home, I wasn't drunk, but I was definitely tipsy and more than a little horny. It had been weeks since I'd even masturbated and the need for release was slamming into me like bricks. Making my way to my bedroom, I stripped until I was completely naked. Sliding under the duvet on my bed, my hand automatically went between my legs. My juices were flowing and I was wetter than I had been in months. My fantasy instinctively went to Victoria. I imagined it was her fingers teasing my dripping slit. That it was one of her hands opening up my labia and the other circling my hardened clit. Her dainty fingers sliding into my hole. Pushing in and out faster and faster. The thought of her mouth covering my hard nipples caused me to moan out her name. As I added another finger into my gushing pussy, I imagined urging her on to add one after the other until my pussy was stretched to it's limits. Being filled with her fist as she told me how much she wanted to me and wanted to be with me. I felt the orgasm building up inside me and I knew I was close. All I could think about was coming for her. Having my girl juices pulse out of me and my walls contract around her hand. It was at that moment the orgasm exploded in me. I came screaming her name and wave after wave crashed into me until I blacked out.

I woke up the next morning at around 10 and knew that I hadn't slept that well in weeks. Nor had I had a orgasm like that ever. I desperately needed to talk to Victoria to try and get to give us a shot without me putting my entire life at risk. I knew she'd never answer my call and I had no clue where to start looking for her. I stayed home the rest of the day only leaving my bedroom to eat. I went to sleep early that night. My friend Tash was taking me shopping the next afternoon.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

My birthday started off like all the ones had since I'd moved out of my parents house, with me in my kitchen eating a bowl of Frosted Flakes and reading The New York Times. I didn't feel different and I just lounged around until about half an hour before I had to meet Tash. Taking a quick shower, I stood in front of my closet. Putting on one of my tight fitting white t-shirts, I grabbed a baby blue sleeveless vest to go over it. Pulling on a pair of my dark wash Levi's, I found my baby blue and white Jordans. Making sure I had my wallet and cellphone, I headed downstairs to my car.

The afternoon shopping with Tash was more for her enjoyment than mine. I picked up the Jordans I'd ordered a few weeks before and a few more pairs of jeans I was ready to go, but she insisted on spending more time out just in case I saw something I wanted. She was right. I found a watch that I loved and got it. Soon it was time to head home to get ready for the party. I was just going change into a pair of dress slacks so I told Tash to give me a few minutes and I'd take her home that way she didn't have to call a cab.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Arriving at my parents estate, the party seemed to be packed. When I walked into the parlor everyone shouted, "Happy birthday!" and blew on those annoying little horns. I smiled and tried to enjoy myself.

Just as I started making the rounds to tell everyone thanks for coming and the gifts, I saw a woman move into the kitchen. I swore I recognized her, but my assistant grabbed me and started talking to me.

"Happy birthday, Sammie. I knew you weren't going to be surprised, but you're parents insisted."

"Thanks, Kourtney. Were you the one who helped them plan it?"

"Well, we had a event planner, but I gave them her number."

"Was it the same one you used for my 24th birthday?"

"As a matter of fact, it is, yes. The planner should be around here somewhere."

"Thanks again, Kourtney. Will you excuse me for a moment?"

"Yeah, sure."

Nodding my head, I walked towards the kitchen. It was mostly empty except for the small blonde near the back window looking out.

"I was wondering when you'd come and find me." Victoria said.

"I didn't really know it was you who planned this until a minute ago." I replied as I stepped towards her.

She turned towards me and shook her head, then said, "No. Don't. Don't do this. I haven't gotten over you. I started to call you like a hundred time these last few weeks, but couldn't bear to think of your voice on the other end. You're still in the closet and I fell for you anyway."

"So why'd you agree to plan my brithday party? You knew I'd be here." I said as I leaned against the counter.

"Because it's too hard staying away from you. I'd rather be around you and suffer than to be away from you and still be miserable." She answered.

"So what does this mean? Will you try and be with me even though I'm not out?" I asked taking a step towards her.

"No." She said and started walking towards the kitchen door. Before she walked out she said, "I'm leaving New Jersey. This was my last event. I can't be around you either way and you still refuse to come out, so it's the only choice I have."

As she began walking again, I said, "Wait! But Victoria, I .. I think I'm in love with you." She turned and stared at me. The shock of what I said clearly on her face. We stood there looking at each other for awhile until she finally said, "I'm in love with you too."

We both closed the gap between us and kissed. Kissed like old lovers who'd been away from each other for years. Technically, that's exactly what we were. We forgot our surrounding completely until I heard a woman gasp at the door. I broke the kiss and looked up to see my mother standing there frozen still at the scene she'd just saw.

I opened my mouth, but she turned and walked away. I looked back at Victoria who saw the hurt on my face. She reached for me, but I backed away from her touch as if it repulsed me. The look on her face told me that I'd hurt her and without saying a word, Victoria turned and ran out of the kitchen. A few minutes later I heard the front door slam.

I had no clue what to do, but I felt my heartbreaking as I slide to the floor and pulled my knees up to my chest. I sat there and cried until Carol came and found me a little while later.

"Sammie, sweetie, are you okay?" She asked as she kneeled next to me.

"No! I'm not! I'm gay and eevryone in my life is going to hate me!" I screamed at her and surged to my feet before repeating Victoria's actions.

I was crying so hard that I didn't see the truck as it ran the red light and hit the side of my car. I stayed conscious as long as I could until the light and warmth surrounded me. The last thought I had was Victoria wrapped in my arms, her lips connected perfectly to my own.