Evergreen Kiss

He sat there expressionless for a good long while after I told him, like he was trying to figure out what to say, and I was on pins and needles. When he finally spoke, he said 'I'm disappointed. Not in you, but for you. What I want for you kids is a pretty simple -- somebody to love, something to work at and be proud of, kids to love and care for if it works out that way, and living to old age without running into any of the big problems that can destroy a life. Your brother Tim found that with Cheryl, and I'm grateful for that.

I know it's old-fashioned, but as a woman, your best chance at that life is with a well-educated, responsible man, and now it looks like you won't find that. Instead, you'll find lower pay, legal discrimination, and even some people who hate you for who you are. It's getting harder to get by in America, especially in places like Michigan, so any disadvantage hurts. You have to work that much harder and be that much stronger and stand on your own feet.

I do hope you find somebody that makes you happy, Meg, I really do, and I'll welcome her into the family when you do. Or him, if you ever change your mind.'

I jumped up and hugged him and said 'Thank you for not being mad at me, daddy. I love you.'

He held me close and said 'You've done nothing to be mad about. I love you too, Meg.'

Life got easier after that."

Meaghan didn't tell me much about her love life, apart from a crush on a college roommate that was only partially reciprocated, but I got the feeling she had her heart broken pretty badly a few times. She did tell me a little about sex, which didn't seem to go with love for her, at least not so far, and she was not happy about it. She'd been to bed with a few girls in and after college in Ann Arbor, but not here, not yet anyway. She got what she needed physically, but always felt a little empty inside afterward, and didn't want to do it again until it felt right.

So I had a girlfriend -- a close friend who was a girl -- for the first time since high school, and she had somebody to talk to and do things with, and a social circle to slip into by extension. She made other friends -- some people I knew, some people from the local art scene, even some other designers at work after the drama blew over -- and settled into life in the Seattle area. Her brother didn't move to Seattle, but he did eventually move to Portland, less than three hours away, so Meaghan got to see Grace and Sam about once a month, which was really good for her. Things were great for both of us, apart from our uneventful love lives. We hiked together in the summer, went to the symphony in the winter, and generally hung out.

***

One Wednesday night at dinner last August, Meaghan said "I'm going out with Kate and Jenna on Friday night. We're going to this new bar on Cap Hill." Then she showed me the website for the place. Kate and Jenna were two friends Meaghan met at a gallery thing a while ago, and they went out for drinks every once in a while. Both were gay, but none of the three of them had any romantic interest in each other -- they were just friends. Meaghan paused, like she was trying to decide something, and then continued "Would you, um, like to come with us?"

I was surprised she asked -- I figured she thought of me, correctly, as kind of antisocial and probably not the best person to go to a Capitol Hill bar with. But I can enjoy a night out from time to time, so I said "Sure."

"It's a gay bar. Is that okay?"

"I know it's a gay bar -- it's on Cap Hill, and the website makes it pretty obvious. It'll be fun. What's the plan -- do you have a designated driver?"

"Kate and Jenna both live close enough to walk. I guess you do too. I'll take the bus after work and get a cab home afterwards."

"You should stay at my place -- I have a nice pull-out in the spare bedroom. Much nicer than taking a cab all the way to the east side."

"Are you sure, sweetie? I don't want to be a hassle."

"You're never a hassle -- it will be fun. Besides, you let me sleep on your couch when I couldn't get home in the snowstorm last January, so I owe you one."

I dressed a little differently at work that Friday -- jeans a little tighter and sparklier than usual, nice flats instead of beat up driving shoes, and a loose, fuzzy cream sweater. I even wore a little makeup. I wasn't Cap Hill hip, but I thought I looked kinda cute. I got some comments from the guys, but telling them where I was going shut them up pretty effectively. Meaghan was in jeans and a loose, silky blouse over a snug white tank top, and her hair was a little wild. I thought she looked great.

We took a bus together after work and walked up the hill to the bar -- it was a nice night for it. We stood outside the place for a few minutes until Kate and Jenna showed up. Kate is tall, blond and skinny, and she was dressed like, well, like she wanted to meet someone. Jenna is tall and butch, with short brown hair, and was in her usual -- loose-fitting jeans, white shirt and cowboy boots. She's also very warm and friendly, and gave me a big hug when she saw me.

The place wasn't much to look at outside, other than the neon sign, but inside was a different story. There was a lot of color, and the furnishings just oozed style. There were one or two straight couples in the place, and one guy with a big group of women, but otherwise it was a sea of estrogen. It was kind of nice after my overwhelmingly male workplace.

The evening was fun -- we found a table in the back, where the music wasn't unbearably loud, and had a good time. Jenna and I both drank a nice draught summer ale -- craft beer is a big thing in Seattle, even in the gay bars. Meaghan and Kate had something-tinis, and Jenna gently mocked them both for it. I only had two beers over a few hours, but they were strong, and I'm small, so I got a little giggly. I spent the whole evening at the table, but the rest of the girls all danced a bit. I think they had an agreement to protect me from getting hit on -- one of them was always at the table with me. It was sweet.

Kate succeeded in her goal -- she went home with a cute dark haired girl. Jenna went home alone, but seemed quite content. I got the feeling she was happy alone. Meaghan and I both got hugs before she left, and she said "I'm glad you came, Sarah. Meaghan should bring you again."

"Thanks, I had a good time. Safe walk home."

Meaghan and I started down the hill to my building. It was a fairly long walk, but it was still nice out, and both of us were in comfortable shoes. I live in a high rise building in downtown Seattle, looking out over Elliot Bay and Puget Sound. It's expensive and not very practical, with a long commute to work, but when I bought it, I wasn't looking for practical. I had just left Brian, the real estate market was in the dumps, and I had a bunch of savings. I had always loved going downtown when I was a girl -- the scale of everything was fascinating. I needed to do something for me, establish myself as an independent adult again, so I looked for a place downtown and made an offer the day I saw it. It's been the best decision I've made in my life, at least up to this point.

I said to Meaghan "Thanks for inviting me. I had a great time. If you invite me again, I might even dance a little."

Meaghan was a little tipsy too, and said in her teasing voice "Sarah Oda dancing at a gay bar -- that's something I'd like to see. Maybe there's more to you than I thought." I could tell she regretted it as soon as she said it -- she looked away from me and her face turned bright red.

I wasn't bothered at the implication. "Nope -- still one hundred percent straight. Doesn't mean I can't go out with friends and have a good time, even at a gay bar."

I saw the relief in her face that she hadn't offended me, but the blush didn't fade entirely for a while. If I had really been paying attention, I might have also seen the disappointment.

***

I spent the first couple of weeks of December fussing. Meaghan had always admired my favorite sweater -- navy blue Icelandic wool with a very Nordic pattern. I knew she'd like one for herself, but would never buy one, so on a whim I ordered one for her. It was green, and the pattern was a little different from mine. The fussing was about whether I should give it to her for Christmas. It was fairly expensive, although she didn't need to know how expensive, and I was worried she might think it was weird. I decided to give it to her anyway -- I'd already bought the damn thing, and it was too big for me. The day before she left for Michigan for the holidays, I walked into her office on my way into work and handed her a gift bag. "Merry Christmas."

She loved it, of course, and thanked me and hugged me. I continued to fuss as I walked down the hallway to my office -- it was definitely weird for me to give her an expensive sweater for Christmas, even if she was my best friend. Oh, well -- damage done.

When I got to my office, I found a box on my chair, with a note that said "for Sarah". I opened it and found a framed print. It was a Meaghan Williams original -- a sad, droopy morning ferry leaving Seattle for Bremerton, with cute, smiling cars on the deck. The waterfront ferris wheel was lit up in Seahawks blue and green next to the ferry terminal, and the sun was rising behind the Seattle skyline, pink and orange below the gray clouds. I loved it. It was probably the nicest Christmas present I had ever gotten.

Maybe giving her the sweater wasn't so weird after all.

***

So life was good. But then about six weeks ago, at the end of April, things got weird. Meaghan went back to Michigan for her cousin's wedding, and stayed for over a week. We usually texted back and forth when either of us was away, and for the first few days, everything was normal. Then one night I thought about how much I missed her when she was gone and how much I liked spending time with her and maybe we could do more stuff together and maybe I should cook her dinner and maybe I don't know what the hell I'm even thinking. I texted her in the middle of the night.

"I miss you."

Yes, I use proper English, with capitals and punctuation, even when I text. Blame my English professor father. That's all I said. I've tried to figure out what else I did, but that was it. The next day, she didn't text. Only once the day after that. By the time she got back I was worried sick that I had offended her somehow.

I picked her up at the airport and took her to dinner afterwards, as we planned before she left, and everything seemed normal, but it wasn't. Not quite. She was warm and friendly when we were together, and was always up for whatever I wanted to do, but she stopped asking me to do things with her. And I may be dense, but I actually did notice that she made an effort to not call me "sweetie". I had no idea why -- she called Jenna "sweetie" sometimes, and some of her other friends. Just not me anymore. And the more I felt like we were not okay, the worse I felt. I had this wonderful friend in my life, and she was pushing me away. Just a little bit, but enough to hurt a lot. And all I wanted was to pull her closer to me and hold her and kiss her and tell her how much I love her. I love her. I don't know how it happened, but I do.

***

After weeks of worrying and thinking and fantasizing and worrying and planning, I resolved to do something about it -- I was going to tell Meaghan how I felt about her, and I was going to do it on our Sunday hike this weekend, in our favorite spot. And whatever was going to happen was going to happen. So I was standing there at the trailhead, on a perfect day, with butterflies in my stomach, ready to either fix my life or rip it apart.

I actually got to the parking lot first. In all the times we've done this hike, that's only happened twice before -- once when I came straight here after working through Saturday night (sad, I know), and once when Meaghan's car broke down. But I didn't sleep well last night, for obvious reasons, I woke up early, and I was nervous all morning. So I just got in my car and drove over. I just hoped I wouldn't chicken out, or worse, go through with it and screw everything up.

I saw a little blue Honda pulling into the lot and hoped it was her. It looked like her car, but little blue Hondas are a pretty common sight. I couldn't see the driver, but the license plate was right, and I took a deep breath -- a mix of happiness and fear. When she got out of the car, her hair blazed like copper in the sun. Indoors it was very pretty, but in the sun it was absolutely gorgeous. She was carrying her giant floppy sunhat and a bottle of water in one hand, and a can of sunscreen in the other. She walked over to the bench where she usually waits for me, and she seemed a little lost in thought. I waved for a few seconds, and her eyes got big when she saw me.

"Wow -- you're here first. Who are you and what have you done with Sarah?"

"Ha ha. I woke up early and headed over. I thought it might be nice to be on time for a change, considering you're always early."

"Okay, if you say so ... Do my legs?" She handed me the can of sunscreen as she put on her sunhat. I sprayed both legs, front and back, and thought about how nice it would be if she had sunscreen lotion I could rub on instead of the spray-on stuff. Her legs were smooth and strong, and looked every bit like the sprinter she was in high school. My hands were trembling just a bit at the thought, and I was glad she couldn't see them. She put the sunscreen back in her car, tucked her car key into the pocket in her hat (who knew hats had pockets?), and we headed out on the trail.

We had to go single file for much of the first part because of the crowds, and Meaghan walked in front, so I got to admire her from behind. She was wearing the long-sleeve blue athletic top that she usually wore, and it fit perfectly -- snug without being tight. I could just make out the outline of the sports bra underneath, and I had to make myself stop thinking about what that thing was holding inside. Definitely not my usual thought pattern. She was wearing pink running shorts today -- loose satiny things, but not loose enough that I couldn't see the curve of her hip and the shape of her lovely behind. Except for that silly sunhat, she always looked so good when we hiked, or any other time for that matter -- perfectly put together. For hiking, I usually wear an old tee shirt, a little too big for me, and a baggy pair of boys' gym shorts. I wanted to look nice today, but I don't really know how. I wore a new tee shirt instead.

A quarter mile or so from the trailhead most of the crowd takes the right fork, up to the peak. Meaghan and I have done that a few times, but we prefer the other trail -- it's a lovely walk through the forest. We can go two miles on the short loop or five and a half on the long one. We planned for the long one today -- have to get the most out of a day like this.

After about forty minutes on the loop trail, past where the short loop splits off to go back to the trailhead, we got to our second favorite spot on the hike. It's at the top of a small hill, and there's a big rock that's perfect for sitting. I pulled a bag of trail mix out of my backpack -- I always bring the snacks -- and held it out for Meaghan. She grabbed a handful and said "Ooh, yum. You put macadamias in it this time, and dried cherries -- I love those. Thanks." No "sweetie", I noticed yet again. We ate a little more, drank from our water bottles, and sat for a while in silence and enjoyed the view.

Another half hour of hiking brought us to our favorite spot, where I planned to actually do it. A few hundred yards off the main trail there's a little clearing. It's not very clearly marked, but it is on the official trail guide, and it's still in the park, so it's not off limits. It's the essence of a Pacific Northwestern evergreen forest -- giant trees as far as you can see, which isn't far, with moss growing up the south sides of most of them. It seems like there's always a little bit of mist, even on the clearest day. We've never seen anybody else there, and even though the main trail's just a few hundred yards away, you feel like you're absolutely alone in the world.

We sat on a fallen tree that's been there for years -- most of the wood has rotted away, but there's a section that's stable enough to support two or three people. Another handful of trail mix and some water, and a few moments of sitting in silence, and I knew it was time. Meaghan looked over at me as I started to speak. I had rehearsed what I was going to say in my head seventy three times, and I probably had seventy three different versions of it, but at that moment, they all just flew away. So I did the only think I could think of.

I leaned over and kissed her. I closed my eyes, so I couldn't see her reaction, but her eyes must have gone a mile wide. The first thing I felt in her lips was surprise and confusion, and I started to panic, but then she started to kiss me back. Forcefully, hungrily, insistently, like she couldn't stop herself if she tried. Her arms came up around my neck, and mine went around her back, and we pulled each other close. Lips parted and tongues circled and explored. It was magical -- I fell down the rabbit hole, and there was only Meaghan. This was the kiss I had been searching for, ever since that prom night.

After what seemed like an age, we parted and I opened my eyes and looked into hers. What I saw was need and shock and fear, as if something precious she had been searching for just dropped in her lap out of the blue, and she couldn't quite believe it was real. So I leaned in and kissed her again, and I felt the tension ease as she realized that it was actually happening, and it wasn't some sort of cruel dream.

I pulled away again, and opened my eyes. The shock was still there in her eyes, but the fear was gone. I don't think I've ever seen another human look so amazed, before or since. She opened her mouth to speak, and after a few false starts, she was able to form coherent words. "But ... But ... But you're straight!"

"I was. I am. I don't like girls, not romantically anyway. But I DO like YOU. More than anyone I've ever met. I love you. I've been falling in love with you since that day you came to coffee with me, but I was too dense to see it until you were gone for a week and I missed you so much. I want to love you and hold you and be with you, and maybe even spend the rest of my life with you. . . . Sweetie, why are you crying?"

Tears were streaming down her cheeks, and while I was speaking, her face went from shock to relief to happiness and back to stunned disbelief. "I was just so scared that you'd find out what I think about you and yell at me and hate me." She paused a bit to catch her breath.

"That morning in my bedroom in my parents' house when I got your text -- it just scared the life out of me. I've been in love with you for a long time, but when I saw your text I realized that I missed you too, so much, and that I was so hopelessly in love with a straight girl, again, and that it could only end badly if you ever found out, and that I couldn't help myself and I was going to screw up and you'd find out if I didn't get myself under control."

She regained her composure just a little and continued. "So I did the only thing I could -- I decided to be your friend, and keep everything else I felt about you locked away, so you could never find out and hate me."

I felt such sadness in her, from those broken hearts she hinted at but would never tell me about, that I started crying too. I wrapped my arms around her and held her and said "Oh sweetie, I could never hate you, even if you were madly in love with me and I couldn't requite it. Whatever happened to you before, I'm not that person, and I will always be your friend. And now that my heart has finally gotten through to my thick head, I can requite it and be madly in love with you too."