Factors of Change Ch. 05

I sniffed and smiled up at him. "You make it sound like a challenge. I'm sure I'll manage something."

He chuckled. "If you wish." He paused, and pursed his lips for a moment. "How do you get along with your wolf now, Lili?"

"Fairly well, I think," I said, and smiled sadly. "I just don't know how to interpret everything she's trying to tell me. I know I'm not supposed to have trouble, that I should trust her with everything, but I just... can't." I looked down and absentmindedly smoothed the collar of his shirt. "I think I need some time alone by myself, to think, and to figure it out, Gab."

He tensed slightly under my touch, and I kept my eyes turned down to avoid looking at his face. "How long? And where would you go?" he asked slowly.

"A few days, at the compound. I want to give some free time to my wolf, time to let her run for as long as she wants, wherever she wants. Then, hopefully, I will understand her better."

"Alone?" he pressed. "The compound is empty during the week."

"I know that. That's what I need, Gabriel," I insisted, looking up at him.

He frowned, looking down at me. He obviously didn't like the idea, and I thought for a moment that I had actually managed to make him say no to me. I was prepared to argue, when he suddenly let out a deep sigh. "I will have William come with you."

It was my turn to frown. "No. Gabriel, I said I wanted to be alone. I don't need a watchdog following me at the compound."

He looked down his nose at me in a perfect picture of stubbornness. "You might have forgotten that one of my oldest friends has just disappeared without reason, but I have not. And I am not letting you leave for what may be days, to run in the deep woods where no one can help you should something happen. You want to be on your own, I understand. But someone will keep an eye on you."

My first impulse was to argue, but I had to concede his point. I sighed softly, and smoothed back my hair nervously. "Will he follow me everywhere?"

"From a distance. You will not see or hear him, and he will give you all the privacy you need." He kept his eyes on me, searching my face. "You do understand why I insist on this, don't you?"

"Yes," I let out in a breath. "Yeah, I do. You're just being smart, Ô wise one." He laughed breathlessly and pulled me close again, and I nuzzled him under the chin. "So you can say no to me," I pointed out to him.

"I did not," he argued. "I agreed; I only gave you a condition."

I snorted softly. "You would have said no if I'd refused to go with William."

"No. I simply would have found another way."

I laughed, believing him. I supposed I would have had William with me anyway, whether I knew about it or not. I cuddled closer to him. It was still surprisingly warm for this time of the night, and the neighbourhood was silent around us, except for the occasional car zooming by on the boulevard and in the distance, the siren of a police cruiser far, far away. "I should get back home and write an email to my boss," I whispered. "He's expecting me at my desk tomorrow."

"Let me take care of that," he replied just as softly, resting his chin on top of my head. "I will find a reason for your unexpected time off."

"Thank you." I tilted my head up, kissing him on the chin. He chuckled and looked down at me, and I stared at his face. My hand moved up to his face, gently tracing the tired lines at the corners of his eyes. "Come home with me?" I asked softly. "If I let you go, you're just going to go back to work, I'm sure about it. You need to sleep." I smiled softly. "And I sleep better with your body next to mine."

"I am not going anywhere," he assured me. "Heaven knows how long it will be before I see you again."

"I'll try not to be gone too long," I said. I shut my eyes and leaned up to kiss him again, trying to hide the fact that my heart had squeezed painfully at the thought of not seeing or talking to Gabriel for an extended period of time.

I really hoped the solution would be easy, or else I would probably snap and bolt back to Montreal before my wolf and I figured out anything at all. And I couldn't allow that.

***

While I slept, that night, Gabriel somehow had managed to arrange for William to pick me up in the morning, and had already explained my sudden leave from work by inventing a mysterious favour I had to do for him; a particular situation against which Monsieur Beaulieu could have, of course, no arguments.

I had teasingly accused Gabriel of lying, to which he had replied that if leaving was what I really needed, and if when I came back to him my mind was clear, and my wolf and I finally understood each other, then it certainly was a favour I was doing him, whether the original purpose was to make him happy or not.

Gabriel left my apartment early in the morning, along with an angry Berenice the cat howling in misery inside the cat carrier he was taking with him. I had no idea how long my little trip in the Laurentians would take, and while Berenice could easily be on her own for a couple of nights, I didn't want her to live alone much longer than that. Good for them, I thought, amused, as I watched him gently place the rattling and hissing cat carrier in the back of his car. They should get used to one another.

Once Gabriel was gone, I used the time left before William picked me up to pack a light travel bag. I brought little clothing, as I was planning on spending most of my time in my wolf form anyway, so I was done quickly and already sitting on the edge of the porch outside when William's dark, shiny luxury sedan slowed down to a stop in front of me. William came out, and I was relieved when he gave me a bright, happy smile. "Hullo!" he called out with a wave as he walked around the car and hopped onto the sidewalk to reach me. I was suddenly very glad that I wasn't stuck with Mr. Cedric 'Grumpy' Provencher. At least the ride should be pleasant.

I waved back and stood up, observing William as he walked towards me and bent to pick up my bag. He really was an impressive specimen, I thought appreciatively as he stood and grinned down at me. A true enforcer, he obviously trained to keep in top physical shape. He probably stood an inch or two taller than my Gabriel. He was very handsome, in a much more rugged way, with strong, bold features. And while I had a thing for Gabriel's longish, pale locks, William short black hair cut gave him a more mature, serious look that contradicted fiercely with the bright smile that lit up his face. His dark eyes twinkled with mischief, and I wondered for a brief moment just exactly how much he knew about the whole situation. "This all you got?" he asked, easily lifting my bag, and I nodded.

"I won't need much."

"I like you already," he said with approval. "Though it seems I cleaned up the back for nothin'."

I smiled and followed him back to the car. "What were you expecting? A trunk?"

He laughed and opened the trunk of the car and deposited the bag inside, beside his own backpack. "Nothing less, miss Grey. But I'm not complainin'."

We made small talk the whole way north to Labelle, and parked the car in front of the Alpha's lake house before noon. Gabriel had insisted I used his bedroom, and William took my things up there, bid me a good day, and left the house in a matter of minutes after we arrived.

I was thankful to Gabriel for his obviously clear orders to leave me alone. Standing on the large terrace at the back of the house, I silently took off my clothes and carefully folded them on the back of a wicker chair. Then I turned around and quickly shifted, and took off in the direction of the forest, giving full control to my wolf.

***

Five days. For almost five days I had been running and hunting in the woods. Not once had I shifted back to my human self. It really felt good, I had to admit. My wolf was ecstatic at being given so much freedom, and I felt the effects of it as well: no work, no phones, no internet, no worries. Though I had my moments of missing cooked food or warm baths, this was as much freedom as I had ever allowed my wolf in our whole life together. It was also the longest time I had ever stayed in my wolf form.

However... I could see no change whatsoever.

It probably didn't help that I had no idea what I was hoping for. But I would have settled for agreeing with my wolf, for feeling as sure about Gabriel as she seemed to feel. I knew I should have agreed with her.

But I couldn't. For the life of me, I could not bring myself to put my heart, my life, my future in the hands—paws—of another being living in my mind, to act on what seemed to me like a dangerous whim. There was no changing your mind, once a mating was official. Did I want to commit to that?

The sun had set a few hours ago, and it was almost Friday. I had almost spent more time now not speaking to Gabriel than I had talking to him. I knew William had probably found a way to report back to his superior—we did come close enough to the lake house sometimes that he might have managed a quick phone call—but I still wondered how Gabriel felt. Was he worried? Or did he trust me and William enough to both stay safe?

It would be Friday when the sun came up, and in the next evening, the compound would once again fill with members of the pack, coming to the compound for yet another weekend. I wouldn't be alone anymore, and I knew Gabriel would come as well. My heart picked up noticeably each time I thought about it; five days without seeing him had changed nothing in how he made me feel. And I knew what it meant, even though my stupid commitment issues kept me from acting on it.

Long after midnight, I found myself stepping into the back yard of the large white lake house. All its windows were dark, as it stood there in the silence of the night, empty and cold. The only sounds I could hear were the crickets and the occasional croak of frogs behind me in the water, and as I stared at the emptiness around me, I realized I had it all wrong. As good as it felt to be on my own for so long, I was suddenly completely, utterly sick of being alone.

I shifted back to my human form, naked and shivering as I climbed the steps to walk inside the house. I made a quick trip upstairs to get dressed, and came back outside a little while later to start a small campfire in the fire pit in the middle of the yard. I sat back in the grass and the dirt and stared at the flames for a moment before I let my gaze wander over to the flat, mirroring surface of the lake. And then, so suddenly I didn't even feel the tears coming, I slowly broke down into pieces.

The first sob racked painfully through my chest, and I gasped as my throat suddenly tightened. But then the tears really came, and it was almost a relief to finally let my frustration out. It wouldn't solve anything, I kept telling myself as I vainly wiped my cheeks, again and again. But it sure felt liberating.

The sobs slowly turned to small hiccups and sniffs, and the tears eventually stopped. After a long moment, I sniffed again and rubbed hard at my eyes, silently cursing myself. Crying would get me nowhere.

I jumped and gasped when I heard the sudden crunch of footsteps at my left, and looked up to see William's shape stepping closer. He stopped at the outskirts of the camp fire, as if hesitant to step closer, and simply stared at me, a slight frown on his face. "Are you okay?" he called out gently.

"I'm fine," I lied, and angrily wiped my cheeks. "Thank you."

He narrowed his eyes slightly, obviously not believing me, and took a step towards the fire. "The Alpha told me to leave you alone, unless you asked for help." He paused, and arched an eyebrow at me. "You haven't asked, really, but you sure look like you might need it."

I sighed, looking at him. He seemed genuinely eager to help, his dark eyes intent on my face, and I raised my hands in a helpless gesture before waving to a spot on the ground next to me. I was sick of being on my own, in any case. "You can try if you want, William. But I'm not sure anyone can help me with myself."

He gave me a bright smile and stepped closer to sit down on the cool dirt. He crossed his legs and tilted his head to the side to look at me. His angular features seemed somber in the flickering light of the camp fire, but his eyes were friendly and concerned, his thin lips relaxed in the hint of a smile. "What is it about yourself that's causing you trouble, then?"

I snorted softly, pulling my legs against my chest as I looked back towards the silent, calm lake. "How much do you know about Turned Weres, William?"

"More than you think, I'd expect," was his answer, and I turned my head to look at him. He gave me a smug smile. "The Alpha didn't choose me to watch over you because of my pretty eyes."

I smiled back at him, narrowing my eyes. "No, I wouldn't expect it was a criterion for being my bodyguard. I was surprised, in fact. Why were you the Chosen One, then?"

"I was also turned, you know," he simply said, with a shrug of his shoulders. My mouth must have ungracefully dropped, because he chuckled. "In a way. But I was also born as a werewolf, so you could say I'm special. Turned and Born, all at the same time. They don't know what to call me."

I stared at him a moment longer and, unable to make sense of anything he had just said, shook my head. "What does that even mean?"

"I was conceived as a human," he said in a low voice. "But my mother couldn't have been more than a few days pregnant with me when she was attacked and bitten." He looked at me. "Since she was pregnant, she never shifted, not until after I was born. Weres can't shift if it poses a health issue."

"What happened to her?" I asked softly.

He shook his head. "Unwillingly Turned werewolves shift unconsciously, at first." I knew that, of course, but he seemed to think that I didn't, and I wasn't about to clear up the matter. "She must have shifted in her sleep, and found herself next to a human male she didn't recognize as her mate. She killed my father, and ran away. The local pack tracked her down and killed her."

He had said all of it in such a detached voice that I didn't understand the true horror of his story at first. "And... you? Who found you?"

"The pack, when they searched her house. They took me in. Another family adopted me as theirs, and I was raised by them in their home and took their name." He glanced up at me, and gave me a small smile. "Don't look so horrified. I was but a few days old—I don't remember any of it. My mother, or my father. Nothing. The Griffins are my family, and they've always been."

"If you say so," I said softly, feeling stunned. He looked back towards the fire and I stared at his profile, wondering how much I could tell him. So far it didn't seem that Gabriel had told him anything of my untraditional upbringing. "William, is it normal for me to have... issues?" I asked him. "With my wolf?"

He looked back at me. "It depends who coached you in your first years," he said, and I blushed furiously. He narrowed his eyes. "What kind of issues?"

I took in a deep breath, and let it out with the words. "I can't trust her," I whispered. "No matter how hard I try, I just... can't."

He stared at me for a moment, his eyes still narrowed in thought. "Why wouldn't you trust her?"

"It's my life, William," I breathed. "I wouldn't put such important decisions about my life in anyone's hands, no matter how much I trusted them."

"Hmm," he let out thoughtfully. He was silent a long moment as he looked back at the camp fire, his features lit up by the flickering flames. The fire had smoldered down and would die out soon, but neither of us moved to add wood to it. "It's curious," he said suddenly. "What is it that you think your mental wolf is, Leah?"

I opened my mouth to answer, before I realized that I had no idea. "She's just a wolf. My wolf," I tried.

"A wolf." He looked back at me. "And you think your wolf is in your mind, speaking to you?" He looked a bit confused, as Gabriel had, and I felt a slight flicker of doubt in my mind. Wasn't it usual?

"I... well yes," I answered. "I know I hear a voice. Isn't it my wolf?"

"Who taught you that it was your wolf?"

"No one," I answered slowly. "Nobody ever taught me anything. I was never mentored by anyone. I had to learn by myself."

His eyebrows rose nearly to his hairline as he looked me over. "I'm impressed, then, that you got so far without going rogue. Most things can't be figured out by yourself."

"What do you mean, William?" I interrupted. I didn't want to talk about rogues. "Do you mean that I'm not supposed to hear her? See her?" I looked down as I twisted my hands in my lap. "Please tell me I'm not going crazy."

He laughed so heartedly that I was instantly relieved. "You're not crazy," he confirmed, still chuckling. "But you have it all wrong, Leah. I'll ask you again. Try to think of an answer. What do you think the wolf in your mind is?"

I kept staring at my hands, hesitating. "She's the wolf I turn into," I said slowly. "The wolf soul I share my body with."

"Another soul?" he asked softly. "I suppose it was given to you when you were bitten?"

"Wasn't it? I'm not sure I'd call it a gift, though," I added wryly.

He sniffed derisively at the implied insult, but simply shook his head. "It's a wonder you've stayed sane for so long, Leah."

I frowned. "Why is that?"

"Because no one can share their mind with someone else, darling. They put people like that in institutions, to be treated by psychiatrists." He looked up at me. "You're not given another soul to live with when you're bitten by a wolf. That's not how the wolf gene works."

"What is that voice, then, William?" I asked, my patience waning.

He shrugged. "It's all you. Just you."

I stared at him for a long moment, waiting for him to say more. When he didn't, I frowned at him. "Explain."

"Well." He pursed his lips, thinking, before he reached for the long stick I'd been using as a poker. He smoothed the surface of the dirt between us with his hand before using the stick to draw a large, bean-like shape. The flames were low, but the moonlight was bright enough that I could see it clearly. "Have you heard of the triune brain theory?" he asked as he drew a line that went down from one end of the bean.

"The what? I... no. I mean, I might have heard the term before, but I have no idea what it is."

"It's an old theory about the evolution of the human brain," he explained, glancing up at me. "A lot of people in the scientific world don't agree with it nowadays, but it's the simplest way I know to explain things right." He glanced back at what I now guessed to be the crude sketch of a human brain and spine. "The theory went that there are three main sections in our brain. This, here," he said, tracing a small circle in the concave section of the bean, right at the top of the spine, "would be our reptilian brain. Every animal has it, according to the theory. It's the oldest, most primitive part of the brain, and it controls basic animal survival reflexes, such as aggression, dominance and territoriality."

"Very interesting," I interrupted, wondering what the hell. He gave me a short, bland glance, but returned to his doodling without a comment.

"This," he continued, adding a layer around the reptilian brain, "is called the limbic system. It's meant to be common to all mammals. It's the center of emotions, and controls such things as parental instinct, reproduction behaviour, long-term memory, and other things like that." He looked up at me. "Everything that you could call instinct would come from that part of the brain. The rest of it," he added, pointing at the rest of the bean shape, "is the neocortex. Some might call it the primate brain. It's the part that allows such things like reasoning, language, logical thinking and self-consciousness to humans." He paused, tapping the neocortex part. "In nature, real wolves don't think like humans. They might do such things as communicating with each other and planning an attack, but it's all controlled by their instinct, by what's called the limbic system. It has nothing to do with strategic thinking or language, or even some particular form of intelligence."