Fighters

None of it made any fucking sense to me.

"Hey," he said as I approached him, holding the towel around my waist and a pissed look on my face. "What do you want for -"

I grabbed his hand and drug him towards the bedroom.

He followed easily enough, just let me move him how I wanted. When I got him inside I reached around him to slam the door, pinning him up against the wood.

"What -" he started, but then he shut up because I kissed him.

I kissed him like I kissed. I didn't know how to kiss him any other way, couldn't do it any other way, so it was hard and fast and filled with passion and when we broke, we were both panting, and we were both hard.

"You fucking want me," I snarled. I placed a hand over his growing bulge and heard him bite back a moan and wanted him to just let it go. "Why don't you just take me? What's your fucking problem?"

He stared down at me, those jade eyes glowing, those lips parted and begging for another kiss. "I'm not worth more than fucking, Cooper. I fuck. It's what I fucking do. So just fuck me!"

His hands settled on my hips. I felt them press there for a moment and was surprised by how much just that contact did to me. Shit, I thought. What am I getting myself into?

Something good. Something long in the making. And something you've wanted, dreamed of. Take it and then fucking run before he tries to make you something that you're not again.

That thought surprised me, how quickly it came. Run. Get away from this man, because he is making you things you were never supposed to be. I didn't expect to think it; I hadn't thought it before, not like that. His hands pressed into my hips and I could feel my heart begin to beat faster, and my mind raced to try to catch up, wondering what the fuck that thought even fucking meant.

"Okay," he said. I almost missed it I was so inside my head. I stared at him, wondering why that word made me feel so...

This is what I fucking wanted, I reminded myself angrily, even as I repeated, "Okay?" like a fucking idiot in a voice that was anything but sure.

A hand came up and landed on my chin. I let him tilt my lips up to his, and then we were kissing.

It was one of this kisses that undid me. I never understood how he could carry so much in just a kiss, so much promise, so much care, so many images of the things he wanted to do to me and yet how he made it so gentle, so soft...

"Uh," I managed as I pushed away. Smooth, I thought. I was nothing but edges around this man. "Okay. You got like, condoms? Lube?"

"Where you going?" His hand reached out and grabbed me. The moment he touched me I was falling apart, needing him. Wanting him. I think I must have been wide eyed, staring at him in the face of everything I was feeling.

"Bed," I said, feeling my voice slipping back into that saccharine shit I used for guys like him. I couldn't do this, not like this. It was too much... "C'mon, baby, I can -"

"No, don't you do that. C'mere." He pulled me into him, pressing my back to him. His mouth was on my neck before I had time to react, one arm around my waist and the other around my chest, so warm, so restrictive. I instinctively ground back against him and he moaned. That sound was so good, so perfect that it made me grind back again.

This time the sounds that came from him took the form of words. "Wanna be with you, Luka," he whispered into my skin. It moved through my body with a shudder. "Wanna make you feel good. Wanna see you come so hard you can't fucking think." Every time he said the word you it was like being dunked in ice water; it was like feeding fire to a volcano. I couldn't help but press back at each iteration, feeling him, arching into him.

Fuck, I needed him.

"Need you, Luka," he told me like he was listening to my thoughts. His lips were at my ear, his words so soft they might have been a dream. I noticed my towel wasn't on anymore - when had he gotten that off? He kept one arm tight around my waist as the other moved down over my body, skimmed over my skin. "Want my name on your lips when you lose yourself."

"Fuck," I think I said. I'd already lost myself, always lost myself to him. By the time his hand reached my cock I was gone.

"Wanna hear you." His voice was ragged, as ragged as me. No, I wasn't ragged; I was something else entirely, somehow turning so soft, all my edges blunt for him. Melting. His hand pumped over my cock. His other arm kept my hips from bucking, from moving how they wanted to. I didn't want to. I was where he wanted me; I was where I wanted me. I snaked my arms back around my head, seeking him, needing him, and found his head right there where I needed it like he'd known, like he'd been expecting this. I grabbed hold of him and hoped he wouldn't let me fall.

"God," I moaned, feeling how close I was. Fuck, how had I gotten here so quick? It was this fucking man, his hands, his voice, his lips - I gasped as those lips landed on my neck, hot and soft and making me melt further, threatening the things inside of me. I tightened my grip on his neck. "Cooper." His name was a curse. His name was a balm. His name was the only thing holding me together in the face of everything he was making me feel, his hand on my cock, his arm around my waist, his body against mine.

"I got you, baby," he murmured into my neck. "I got you."

I turned my face into the side of his head. "Cooper," I whispered, I and came.

***

I kept him pressed against me after he came, afraid that he might just collapse. I could feel his breathing, fast and deep; could feel the way his arms still gripped at me tight like he was afraid we both might fly away.

I was afraid of that too. I was afraid he would fly away from me, would run after what I had just pushed him into. He had been asking for casual sex, to do what he was used to and I knew that. But I wasn't used to that.

And I never wanted him to be used to me.

I gave myself a few moments to just take this in. The way he felt in my arms. The way he smelled. The feel of his cum in my hand.

Then I took a breath. I needed us to come back to earth, as much as I didn't want to. Please don't run, I thought, and made myself ready.

When I kissed his temple he jerked away from me like I'd woken him up. Maybe I had. Maybe he'd been asleep; maybe he'd thought what had just happened had been a dream. I certainly had.

I shouldn't have done it, maybe. I should have given him more time to get used to the idea of me, of something more. Let him dictate the terms. But he'd been there, naked but for a towel, that fucking hair dripping and he'd smelled like my soap and fuck.

Just fuck.

I kissed him again on the temple again, feeling him begin to shake. "You okay?" I whispered, but I only got halfway through the thought before he had grabbed the towel back up and run from the room.

I stood there for a moment, cum drying on my hand. His warmth fading from my skin.

"Fuck," I said, and slid down against the wall until I reached the floor.

***

I bolted for the friend's room, just fucking ran. I don't know what I was thinking; I don't know that I was thinking.

"Fuck," I said as I slammed the door behind me. I just stood there, breathing. Taking in a moment for myself.

What the fuck had that been?

A knock on the door sounded and I froze, every muscle in my body reacting. I swear to god, my left pinky toe was tense.

"It's Bren," I heard. "Can I come in?"

I gave myself another eight count to breathe. Then I opened the door with practiced nonchalance.

"It's your fucking room," I told him. He slipped in and closed the door behind him, shrugging.

"You want some clothes?"

I looked down at my nearly naked body and scowled. "I have clothes, you know." Somewhere. Wherever my car was. Not fucking here.

"Yeah." The small man started going through his drawers. "You're skinny as shit, you know."

I crossed my arms and sat down on the floor, trying to hide my body without seeming to. Let him live on what he could scrounge out of public fountains and steal from men's nightstands for a year. I'd like to see how much he weighed.

"You sick or something?"

I bristled. "I don't have fucking AIDs." I got tested regularly. Chad used to drag me to the clinic every couple of weeks, make me show him my results. Said I wasn't any use to him if I was killing off his customers.

Fucking Chad.

Bren just raised an eyebrow. "I didn't say you did. I just asked if you were sick. Jesus Christ, mate." He handed me a shirt and a pair of track pants; no underwear. Good. I didn't wear them anyway. I waited for him to leave so that I could get dressed.

He didn't. "Kid."

I looked up from where I was standing, his own arms crossed over his chest. I bit back the snarl that was rising out of my body and looked away. "Whatever."

"If you hurt him, I will end you."

It was said with such a casual air, like he made that kind of threat regularly. Or like threatening me was nothing to him. My head snapped to him as I tried to figure out which one it was.

He stared back at me, cold grey eyes passive. I noticed for the first time how muscular the small man was, how built. How he stood with his feet planted solid and his eyes always ready.

"Yeah," I said, feeling a shiver threaten my spine. I wasn't afraid of much. But I knew power when I fucking saw it. "Got it, Bren."

He nodded and headed out of the room, leaving me there on the floor. I stared down at the clothes in my hand, thinking of Cooper. Thinking of the way he had so easily pulled me against his body, pulled me from the things I had been trying to make myself. Pulled me right over the cliff and been there to catch me at the end.

This time I let my body complete the shudder that ran up my back. Hurt Cooper, I thought, and those green eyes popped up in my head, soft and demanding. Me, hurt Cooper.

Yeah fucking right.

****

I stood up fast when Bren left his room, but he waved me down. "He's fine, Coop."

"Fuck." I sank back on the couch, letting exhaustion and idiocy wash over me. "What the fuck was I thinking?"

"You were thinking that you know him. You were thinking that he's hot, and you can be there for him, and he's going to love you forever when he's all better." Bren leaned in, his eyes intense. "Cut it the fuck out."

I blinked at him. "What?"

"Stop. You don't know him, Coop. And he's not going to be better. Fuck, Coop, you're not better, and it's been how many fucking years?" I looked away at that accusation; I had been better, I had been doing so well, could even drink again. But since that stupid fucking bartender had drugged me...

"You can't even step foot in a fucking bar," Bren snapped, and I all but hissed.

"You think I don't know that? You think I don't know that I'm broken and fucked and my life is shit? I'm not giving up on him, Bren. I'm not letting him go back to." I took a deep breath and lowered my voice. "You saw those fucking bruises, Bren. You might not really understand what it's like to live like that, but I do. And I am never, ever, going back to that."

Bren raised his eyebrows and I immediately realized my mistake. "You're not?" he asked quietly.

"Fuck, Bren, you know what I meant."

But he was shaking his head. "No, Coop. I don't. And I don't think you do either. And that isn't fair. Not for you, not for him." He leaned in again, every dangerous line in his body sharpened. "If you fall in love with saving him instead of the actual person, you're going to break that kid's fucking heart."

"Um." We looked up to find Bren's doorway open, Luka standing there in nothing but sweats and a loose T-shirt that caught up on all his fucking bones. I looked away before I could stare too long.

"Fuck," I muttered in Bren's direction. He was standing up, the couch creaking beneath him.

"Figure your shit out," he told me as he walked past me. I heard his door snap shut as he retreated from the living room.

I took a breath, then another, hoping that by calming myself down Luka wouldn't affect me so bad.

It didn't work.

"You hungry?" I managed. I was keeping my eyes on his with some difficulty. "Let's get you something to eat."

He shrugged, setting the fabric to rustling and just. Fuck, I thought, staring at collarbones barely contained by cotton.

Fuck.

This was going to be a disaster.

***

CH 18

***

He didn't touch me for three days.

To be fair, I didn't touch him either. And maybe it was my fault, with the way I was acting. Moving back to sleeping on the couch. Locking the door when I was showering. Getting dressed before I left the bathroom.

I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, for him to come collected what he was owed. But he just... didn't. I pushed him, pushed him hard. Denied him things I knew he wanted, keeping my hair up in a bun or braiding it back. Never let him see skin, but only showering when he was home so he would have to think about me naked. I ignored him when he tried to talk to me. I screamed at him when he didn't.

He didn't seem to notice any of it.

Bren did.

"You don't have to do that," he told me one day over our meal. Cooper had found out that I hadn't had take out in like, two years, and since then he'd ordered me Thai, Indian, a goddamn pizza all for myself. I accused him of trying to make me fat and ugly and he just got this look on his face, so I'd shut up and eaten the fucking thing.

"Do what?" Today was Chinese. I neatly lifted noodles into my mouth with the chopsticks and watched Cooper, across the room, look away.

"Tease him. He already wants you." Bren leaned back. "Badly."

"Oh." I looked down at my food. I hadn't been trying to do anything, honestly, but this opened up a whole new world of possibilities. "He doesn't act like it." My chopsticks came up slowly, letting a small piece of chicken drop onto my tongue. Cooper stared intently as I sucked the last bit of juice from the ends of the wooden sticks.

Bren slapped my arm and I jumped, surprised at the strength of the motion. Across the room, Cooper jumped too, like he'd been startled from a dream. "Cut it out," Bren told me. "He's trying to do the right thing here."

I rolled my eyes and went back to eating. I didn't want Cooper to do the right thing. I wanted him to jump my fucking bones.

I remembered, suddenly, the way it had felt to have him hold me against him. The ways in which that had shaken me. Just that.

Fuck, what would more do? Was I ready for that?

I lifted my eyes slowly, somehow knowing they would find Cooper's. Didn't they always? Weren't his green eyes a part of my world now, some immovable force that I couldn't escape even if I wanted to?

Jade irises met mine with such intensity that my breath stopped dead in my lungs. My eyes were caught in his; I couldn't move. I saw depths of desire in those eyes that I had never seen before, scenes that I couldn't even begin to imagine. And beyond all of that, something deeper, something more...

I couldn't look away. I had to look away. There was an emptiness opening inside of me, a familiar screaming space that I used to know how to fill, that I used to know how to deal with but now. Here. With the way Cooper was looking at me, like he could fill me up so easily, so simply, like he could make the screaming go quiet with a different kind of noise...

I had to get out there. I had to get away from this man. I ripped my gaze from his with what felt like a gargantuan effort, my entire body behind the movement. "Shit."

Bren looked up at me, concerned. "You okay?"

"Yeah, I just." Just realized that this man could undo me with just his gaze, then make me back up into something new. Different. That I might be okay with that, given enough time. That all I wanted from him was his touch, his presence, the soft feeling of those fucking lips against my skin...

"Shit," I muttered again. I stood up quickly, grabbing my plate. "I can't be here right now. Can I eat in your room?"

Bren glanced over at Cooper. Whatever he saw, I guess it convinced him because he nodded. Good thing, too, because I was already on my way. I couldn't fucking wait to get a closed door between me and those green fucking eyes.

***

"Shit, Coop," Bren scolded as soon as Luka left. I tracked his movements as long as I could, watching the door close. Hearing it lock. "Look a little more like you're gonna eat the kid, why don't ya?"

Bren could chastise all he wanted. He hadn't seen the way Luka had fucking licked at those chopsticks, sucked on them. Stared me down as he did it. His dark eyes warm and this little fucking smile playing on his lips, like he was thinking of something else.

I had been thinking of something else. It was hard to think of anything but that right then, with how hard it was pressing against my fucking jeans. I cleared my throat and tried to shift myself to a more comfortable position.

"He'll never feel safe around you if you keep -"

"Bren," I said, my voice strained. He stopped, his eyebrow up. "You didn't fucking see him, okay?"

He opened his mouth like he was going to say something when we heard a muffled thump come from his room. Both our heads turned at once, our bodies automatically tensing.

I was the first one to talk. "What was that?"

Bren slowly leaned back. "Probably nothing."

"We should check on him."

"We -" Bren said emphatically, his eyes intense on me, "aren't doing anything. You stay the fuck put."

I narrowed my eyes, but Bren was right. He'd left the room to get away from me; he wouldn't be happy if I came and invaded his space now.

Bren was back in moments, a strange look on his face. "What?" I snapped, concern taking over any possibility of tact. "Bren, what's wrong?"

"He didn't answer to the door, so I unlocked it and went it." There was that look again, that look that said I'm sorry. The one he wore after a fight, when he saw the other guy. When shit went wrong and he blamed himself.

Fuck, I wish I didn't know Bren so well as I did right then. I was half out of my chair, my heart hammering against my chest. "Where is he?"

Bren paused for a moment. "I'm sorry. The window was open."

I was running towards the bedroom even as he finished his thought.

"Coop. He's gone."

***

Sorry, I thought as my feet hit the pavement soundly. Sorry, Cooper. Sorry, Bren. Sorry for stealing your shoes, and your clothes, and your goddamn trust but I just needed.

I didn't know what I needed. Space, maybe. To figure out what I wanted, what my body was keening for now that I had opened up all these channels usually blocked off by drugs, taken out earplugs soaked with booze. This life was too bright for me, too raw. I didn't know how to live like this.

Yeah, I thought to myself as I began to walk. Space sounded right. Space, and time, time away from things that confused me and made me want to run scared back to the places that I was before.

Away from Cooper.

My body shuddered at just the slightest thought of him, and I wrapped my arms up against the chill in the air, in my soul. This was why I needed space. I couldn't think straight around him. My first days sober in - fuck, how long had it been? Who cared, who was counting - and I was practically drugged up on endorphins and sexual frustration anyway.

Space, I thought again. Space, time, and serenity.

Fuck. I sounded like I was going to become a fucking monk.

I wasn't doing anything so stupidly sanctimonious. I just wanted my own clothes back, needed to be in cloth that didn't come with debt attached, meaning. To have just that little bit of autonomy in a house where I was still a guest, practically a convalescent.

Convalescent cocktease, I thought. Creating cunt-like conditions.