by SilverCatEyes 10/26/07
After work one day Brandon, Chuck, Quinton, and myself were talking in the parking lot sharing stories of sex gone wrong. Everyone agrees that they should be shared and perhaps warp the readers as bad as it did them. But, since I wasn't there, I can't really stretch them into full blown stories. Just pass along what I "lucky" enough to hear. I swear to you every tale is true.
Brandon is your typical skateboarder type. I always loved it when he told the story of one of his friends who had an accident and was blind in one eye. He also had a metal plate in his head. Before Brandon and all their other friends knew any better, they used to run up behind this poor guy and slap a magnet on his head. Of course he screamed in pain and cursed at them. Finally someone told them that the magnet was literally pulling the metal in their friends head. They stopped, but still to this day mess with his blind side. I know this story had nothing to do with sex, but Brandon acting it out is what makes it funny. Just giving you insight to what kind of person Brandon is. Now that he's older he really is a sweetheart of a guy. His wife is lucky.
Back in college (not really that long ago unfortunately) he had decided to throw a party at his parents house while they were away for the weekend. All his friends were there, his girlfriend (now his wife), and quite a few strangers I'm sure. Anyway, the party is raging. Music is way too loud, the alcohol is flowing, and the drugs were plentiful. People were making out everywhere you looked. Just your typical college party.
Brandon's best friend and his girlfriend decided to go upstairs and have wild, passionate sex. Now, on the way to the party his friend had picked up some anal beads. He thought they would be fun and kinky. Unfortunately the friend's girlfriend agreed to try them out. Brandon was busy downstairs getting drunk and having fun with his own girlfriend. They weren't upstairs for long when there came a loud scream and his best friend came flying down the stairs.
He didn't stop for anything until he was outside where he assumed he would be safe. Everyone laughed, but had no idea what had transpired. His friend later told Brandon about the beads and what had happened. After inserting them into his girlfriend's ass, he grabbed the string and yanked like someone starting a lawn mower. Shit flew everywhere. The girlfriend was left screaming and cursing in pain, threatening to kill him. That was why he flew out of the room so fast. I only hope he learned a valuable lesson.
Almost every misadventure started with a girl saying, "Wanna try something kinky?" He has learned to fear those words.
He had a string of stories, but this is the only one I remember with certain clarity. After breaking up with his fiance he went over a year without sex. He explained that after that long a guy becomes desperate and does stupid things. So he started dating a really ugly woman. Should have been one of those coyote ugly situations, but he stuck around because he was getting laid regularly now. He should have seen warning signs when she wanted to move homeless people into the attic (she lived in the attic above her parents house) so they could have orgies and/or make them watch as they had sex. He was creeped out, but more or less talked her out of it.
One night she asked if he wanted to try something kinky. He was young, and stupid, so he agreed. She went downstairs and came back with two hot dogs. Quinton was confused, but said nothing. She first inserted one hot dog into her pussy and then the other one into her ass. To all the ladies out there, masturbating with hot dogs is a big turn off. Take my advice and DON'T DO IT. It's sick. Back to the story, it gets worse. After the weenies thawed, she took the one out of her ass and proceeded to eat it.
That was the final straw. Quinton got dressed and walked the ten miles to his parents house. It was freezing outside, he had no coat, and was in a really bad part of town. He didn't care. He sent for his things a few days later and refused to have anything more to do with her.
We then got the pleasure of hearing about the girl who dreamed he was cheating on her. They were living together and had a pretty good night. But, upon waking up from the dream, she went to the kitchen and got a knife. Upon returning to the room, she stabbed him in the foot. Not a very nice way to wake up. She screamed at him about cheating on her. He was confused, but with a knife in your foot, it wasn't exactly his first concern. He pulled it out and limped to the hospital.
Then there was the time that his first girlfriend asked if he wanted to try something kinky. He assumed that she was going to go get into one of those cute little lingerie pieces he loved so much. No. Not so lucky. She came out in a leather outfit and had a bull whip. She flicked it and left a nice scar on his balls. Quinton's hands had been tied to a solid oak headboard. He broke it.
Then he had the crazy nympho. He had always wanted one until he got one. On the first meeting she tied his hands and feet to the bed and kept him there for three days. I don't know why he didn't break the headboard like he did the other girl's. But, she fed him baby food, cleaned up after him, everything but let him go. She fucked him in the morning, on her lunch break, after work, and almost all night. The mind was willing, but the flesh was soft and spongie by the end. Well, maybe not as willing as it had been in the beginning. Okay, so he really wasn't willing anymore.
Moving on, his friends noticed on day four that no one had heard from since he had gone to her house. They arrived and found the door unlocked. She was gone to work, but they heard him screaming all the way from the bedroom. They untied him and, oh, how they laughed. His friends found the whole situation hysterical. The first thing he made them do was take him to an all you can eat buffet.
Now we move on to the story of his roommate at the time. Caleb. Caleb was a quiet boy from the middle of nowhere in Illinois. A real naive little bastard. He got himself into more shit than should have been possible. Think of the skinniest, geekiest guy you know, and that's Caleb. I'm only going to tell you one story about Caleb because the details for the rest are just too hazy. Wish I could remember the one about the 300 lb. dominatrix. It was funny, I just can't remember the story around it. Sorry.
Caleb was dating a girl who was kinda cute. They hadn't been going out long at this point. The two of them were in his room. She sucked him off, but he failed to return the favor. Stating he was tired, he laid down on the bed and proceeded to go to sleep. She came out of the room crying. Instead of leaving (like any normal girl would do- and probably not return) she sat down next to Quinton and cried literally all night.
He worked for a publishing company back then, and had a very important piece that was due the next morning. It was difficult to work with her crying right next to him. Finally getting pissed off, he had two options. Either fuck her to shut her up (which he couldn't do. He had enough sense to know not to fuck his roomie's girl) or tell her he was gay. Which do you think he chose?
That's right, he told her that they had wondered for awhile if he was gay. She looked confused. So, he asked her what was the first position they had done it in. She told him doggy. He told her there you go and left it at that. She stopped crying and left. Oddly enough she kept coming back to Caleb.
I do have to admit we still wonder about that boy. There's nothing wrong with it by any means. We just wish he'd come out of the damn closet already.
Oh, I just remembered another Caleb story Quinton told me about. His first time was when he was twenty. The girl scratched him to shit. Quinton said it looked like a rabid raccoon got ahold of his ass. Of course Caleb came out of the room grinning from ear to ear. He asked Q (that's what we all call Quinton) to guess what had just happened. He replied that he knew, he could hear it for the love of God. Now, no one is that good on their first try according to Q. And he didn't understand the scratches, but whatever.
Now, one thing you have to understand about Q is his mischievous nature. He just wanted to see what Caleb would do. So he told him to go in the bathroom and rub alcohol on the scratches so they didn't get infected. Q made the mistake of assuming that Caleb would see the peroxide bottle next to the rubbing alcohol and make an intelligent decision. Like I said, he assumed the boy was bright enough to see the two bottles and pick the right one.
Until he heard the scream.
Chuck shared this little nugget with us:
We all have a mutual friend at work named Mike. Mike's grandparents passed away. He and his mother went through their stuff sorting everything out. They located a bunch of old reels of family stuff and one that wasn't marked. Mike knew better. He begged his mother to not play it at the funeral, warning her that it probably wasn't what she thought. Whenever you come across an unmarked anything (video, dvd, reel, it doesn't matter) leave it alone.
She didn't listen. After the funeral they were going to play the old videos. The first one to come on was the unmarked one. There was grandpa in all his glory, wearing a leather halter of some kind, and grandma had a whip. Old time BDSM. He said he felt the shock hit everyone in that room as it went deadly quiet. Mike's mother tried to remove the reel as quickly as possible, but the damage had been done.
We had all heard the story from Mike himself right after it happened, but every time you heard it you just had to laugh. I could only imagine my family's reaction if they ever found something like that in my grandparent's home. Couldn't you? Oh, God, I'm laughing so hard I'm crying. God bless my friends and their fucked up lives.
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