Hard Landing Ch. 08

"No worries. It worked out for me and Blue after all, didn't it?"

"Sure seems like."

She looked down at the Gibson then up at Larry, who picked up his sticks. She hit the opening notes.

This tune came back to her easily, unlike so many others. She'd played it so, so many times over the years, getting better each time.

But this time, she was... off. Not right. She couldn't put her finger on exactly what, but...

She tried to summon the sadness, the blues that fueled her when she usually played it. She thought of her mom. Of walking away from her Blue Girl, right here in this barn. She even tried to remember the crash, losing her leg, losing her memories, losing her Army career. Nothing. She just didn't have it today.

She finished out the song. Larry said, "Not bad, Jo."

"Since when have you been one to bullshit me to spare my feelings, Larry?"

"Okay, you're right, that was pretty crap. Nowhere near as good as the last time we played it together. Where's your head?"

"Beats me," Jo said, looking over at Blue's keyboard. "Maybe I'm too happy to play the blues now."

~~ Arlington, Virginia ~~

JILL

The Rotors' home bar in Arlington was packed, the crowd buzzing in anticipation of the kick-off show for the summer beach tour.

"You're bouncing like a pogo stick. Can you calm down a little?" Steve looked concerned.

"Sorry, I'm just a little tense." Jo really was bouncing up and down on the toes of her right leg. We were gathered at the bar for our usual pre-show Corona.

"Baby, two things," I said. "I know this is your first time on stage since the crash, but you guys have spent the last two weekends jamming and you're right there. You're ready!" I said, rubbing her arm.

She stopped bouncing, squared her shoulders and huffed out a breath. "You're right, you're right. I'm okay, I'm good. Second thing?"

"The second thing is, if you don't calm down you're gonna freak me out and there'll be no way I'm going up there tonight." Everyone laughed and Jo settled down a little more and put her arm around me.

"The last time I saw the Chief this nervous, she'd booby-trapped Chief Nguyen's locker in the ready room with a stink bomb, and Major Seely walked in just as he was about to open it," said Liz. Jo's former crewmate had come to see the kick-off show.

"Oh shit, I forgot about that!" Jo said, laughing. "Talk about stress. Not sure I've ever moved so fast to distract him from opening it."

"Liz, you're looking good," I said. "You gonna be ready for the Ten Miler?"

It was a hot night on the outdoor patio where the band was set up, and Liz was wearing a sleeveless top, showing off the progress she'd made on her arms and shoulders working out with Jo. She really was looking good.

"Hell yeah I am!" She popped a wheelie in her wheelchair before dropping the front wheels back to the ground. "I'm averaging about five miles a day now, and the racing chair I ordered will be here next month, so I can stop using the ones at Reed. Mine's going to be about half the weight of the hospital ones."

"Jilly-bean!" My sister Justine and her husband David walked up to our group at the bar.

"Hey Just-enuff! David, I'm glad you guys could come tonight!" I said. "Where's Danny?"

"With my mom," David said. "This is our first night out doing something like this in a long time, so thanks for the invite." He held up two fingers at the bartender and pointed at our Coronas. "Love our kid, but four-year-olds require too much care and feeding to make going out to shows a weekly event."

"Alright, show time. Ready, Jo?" Steve said.

She huffed out a breath. "Let's fucking rock, Bro." She leaned over and kissed me. "Have fun dancing. You're on for the second set."

"Okay," I said, my voice shaky.

"What does that mean?" my sister asked as the band walked backstage.

I pointed up at the stage. They'd altered their usual setup. Steve, Suzanne and Jo were still spread out evenly across the front of the stage, although Jo had a mic stand this year. Instead of Larry being center stage behind Steve, his drum set was centered between Steve and Suzanne. My keyboard was set up along the back even with Larry, centered between Steve and Jo.

"I'm going to play with them in the second set."

"No shit? Wow, baby sister, I can't wait to see it! No wonder you invited us out." She hugged me.

They band took the stage, Steve shouting out his usual greeting to the crowd.

They started their set slow, with Dada's Dizz Knee Land building to a rocking ending, followed by Hey Jealousy by the Gin Blossoms. The band had worked up more than two dozen new songs for this tour over the last two weekends. The obvious difference in the band from last year was that Jo was singing backing vocals along with Suzanne almost every song now.

The last Sunday at the farm I'd taken Henry's helicopter out to get my last three hours of solo flight time, making me eligible to take the test for my license. When I'd returned from navigating to Harper's Ferry in West Virginia and back to Front Royal, Jo had grinned at me and told me they'd worked out some new songs for her to sing as well while I'd been gone, but she wouldn't tell me what they were.

I found out soon enough. For the third song, Jo stepped up to her mic and started singing a power pop tune I didn't know at first. By the time I recognized the Harvey Danger song Flagpole Sitta, Jo had gotten to the lyrics in the second verse that caused me to yell "Oh my God, Jo!" at the stage.

Put me in the hospital for nerves, and then they had to commit me!

You told them all I was crazy!

They cut off my leg now I'm an amputee, god damn you!

I'm not sick but I'm not well...!

Jo was singing with a huge smile on her face, while Steve just shook his head as he played. The crowd was mostly die-hard Rotors fans and everyone knew what Jo had been through. There was an audible, collective gasp, then the crowd let out a huge whoop of laughter and cheering, moving in time to Jo as she bounced on her right leg while she sang.

It was such a Jo moment, taking ownership of her situation through music, telling all those listening, Yeah, this happened, but fuck it, it's not slowing me down.

"She's one heck of a bold woman," my sister told me after the song.

"That's my Jo."

She stayed at the mic, yelling out "This one's for my Blue Girl!" and pointing me out in the back of the crowd near the bar.

"Oh no, Jill, she's got that look on her face that spells trouble," Sara said.

Larry clicked his sticks and yelled "Two, three, four!" and they swung into another song I'd never heard the band do, but instantly recognized as Liz Phair.

I-I-I-I-I have loved all over the place,

But y-o-o-u-u have got my favorite face.

Your eyelashes sparkle like gilded grass,

And your lips are sweet and slippery like a cherub's bare wet ass.

We were all grooving as Jo sang when I stopped, rooted to the spot as I suddenly remembered what the words to the next verse were. Jo let Layla dangle from her strap, Steve carrying the guitar while she pointed at me in the back of the space with both hands. She sang with a decidedly naughty sway to her hips, Layla hanging from her strap and rocking back and forth.

You walk in clouds of glitter and the sun reflects your eyes,

And every time the wind blows, I can smell you in the sky!

Your kisses are as wicked as an F-16,

And you fuck like a volcano, and you're everything to me!

David did a spit-take, choking on his beer, as Sara and Liz both yelled "W-o-o-o-o-o!" and offered me high-fives. I couldn't look at Justine as I was sure I was every shade of red my face could manage.

When they finished their first set and came back out to the bar, I punched Jo in the arm.

"Why Blue, whatever was that for?" she asked with an innocent smile.

"You dirty girl, I can't believe you sang that to me in front of my sister!"

"Don't worry Jo, I thought it was great, you should sing that every show," Justine chimed in, laughing.

"Justine! Whose side are you on?" I said.

"I'm on the side of anyone that can make my sister-in-law turn that color," David chimed in.

"I'm outnumbered!" I said, mock dismay turning into mock outrage.

"You ready to go up with us?" Jo asked me.

I gulped as nerves suddenly hit me again. "I guess I have to be, don't I?" I took a long drink of my beer.

Since Jo's recall of songs wasn't what it used to be, the band had written out a set list for the show. The first six songs of the list for the second set were songs they'd been practicing with me for the last two weekends. We'd worked up more than a dozen songs, but they were taking it easy on me for my first time on stage.

"Blue, you got this. We're all right here with you."

Justine squeezed my shoulder. "Just picture yourself at your high-school recital, Jill."

"Not helping!" I said, to a round of laughs.

As I took the stage with Jo and the rest of the band my stomach was doing flips, especially knowing our opening song of the set. The intro was all on me. I stood behind my Korg trying to ignore the audience and checked my settings as the rest of the band got their instruments settled. Then Larry nodded at me and clicked his sticks counting me in.

Almost the first minute of the song was just keyboards, with Suzanne doing a soft, sliding bass riff behind me. I started the opening bars on the piano setting, hit the button to shift my sound to a synthesizer, then back to piano as I played. Then Steve joined in with his vocals.

I heard you on the wireless back in fifty-two,

Lying awake, intent at tuning in on you.

If I was young it didn't stop you coming through.

Suzanne and Jo added the next line in falsetto voices as Larry came in on the drums.

Oh, ah, oh!

Up until the chorus, we'd kept the song pretty close to The Buggles' original version, but as Steve went into the chorus, both he and Jo started hammering rock chords on top of my piano, making it more of a Rotors version.

Video killed the radio star,

Video killed the radio star,

Pictures came and broke your heart.

Oh, ah, ah, ah, o-o-h!

I started to relax as I realized that not everyone in the audience was focused solely on me, watching and waiting for me to screw up. I could see the crowd dancing. And the feeling was... amazing. Jo turned back from her mic to make eye contact with me and I could feel it. I felt the band. I felt Jo. I felt the music. It was incredible. It was a completely different feeling from standing in a circle in the barn playing just for each other, or when I'd done solo recitals in high school.

The applause and cheering sounded so much louder up on the stage with everyone facing us than when I'd been a part of the crowd. It was a huge rush. As Jo high-fived me I thought, "I get this now." It wasn't the applause, exactly. It was having been a part of lifting up the audience, together, as a band.

I wanted more.

The next song also started with heavy synthesizers, as we played U2's Beautiful Day. Playing synthesizer instead of a straight piano sound had really thrown me when we'd been rehearsing, until I stopped listening to what my keyboard sounded like and focused on the sound we were making as a group. When Jo started weaving distorted notes around my melody the effect sounded amazing. Jack had managed to find the exact same effects for my Korg as the original song.

When we played Counting Blue Cars, my part was background to Steve and Jo's guitars and I was even able to sing backing vocals along with Suzanne and Jo during the chorus. I'd discovered in the barn I wasn't any good singing harmony, but I was pretty good at singing the melody an octave higher than Steve, with Jo and Suzanne providing the actual harmony.

Towards the end of the song, my part only needed one hand to play and found myself doing my usual dance move of jumping up and down behind my keyboard while Jo soloed, my hair bouncing and dress flouncing all over the place. Jo turned and saw me and started bouncing in time with me on her right foot with a huge grin on her face.

After a half hour of playing, I found myself disappointed, rather than relieved when my part of the set ended with the Wallflowers' One Headlight. I'd fallen in love with the organ sound Jack had set up for me. Steve asked the crowd to give me a hand as Suzanne and Jo high-fived me before I walked off stage.

"My god Jilly-bean! That was so good!" my sister gushed when I came back to the bar.

"No doubt, Jill!" Liz said, as both she and Sara high-fived me.

"You only looked nervous for like thirty seconds, then you were just rocking out! I'm so proud of you Jill!" Sara hugged me, and Liz offered a high-five. "You definitely need to do that more!"

"Well, I've got one more song tonight for the encore. That's the one I'm really nervous about."

The band finished up their set with Sister Hazel's All For You as I made my way back stage.

"You ready Blue Girl?" Jo asked me as I met the band at the bottom of the stage steps.

"God, I can't believe you're making me do this."

"Jill, look at me," Larry said. I met his gaze. He thumped his chest with his fist. "Just feel it. This is your song, you and Jo. Feel it."

I nodded and huffed out a breath. "Right. Feel it." We went back up on stage to cheers. I followed Jo to the front of the stage, and stood at Steve's mic. No keyboards for me this time.

Larry pounded his drums and Jo launched into the guitar, and I started singing.

S-o-o-o-o-metimes I imagine a world without you.

But m-o-o-o-o-s-t times I'm just so happy that I ever found you.

It's a complicated web, you weave inside my head.

So much pleasure with such pain, I hope we always, always stay the same!

As soon as I had started singing, I'd looked over at Jo... and I could feel it. Our song. The song we'd been singing to each other since she came back. The song I'd tried to win her over with that day in the barn. The song she'd begged me to sing to her in January.

I could feel it. Our song.

I started pouring my heart into the lyrics, Jo and Suzanne backing me on the chorus. It was simply uncanny how well they could harmonize.

As I started the second verse, I took the microphone out of the stand. Not something I'd rehearsed, just something that felt right. I walked over next to Jo as I sang. To her.

Y-o-o-o-u-u-u go, and then I can finally breathe in,

'Cause, baby, I-I-I-I-I know in the end you're never leavin'.

Well, we're rarely ever sane, I drive you crazy and you do the same!

Jo was alive on her guitar, playing with as much feeling as I'd ever seen her. As we got to the end, I looked out at the crowd towards Justine and Sara. My family. They were watching me with such pride. We took out the song...

Oh, I'm feeling the way when you walk on back

I feel light, I feel love, I feel butterflies...

We brought the house down.

Looking over at my Jo beaming at me, I thought how right she had been that I would get it, once we did this together. I'd follow my Jo on any adventure she asked of me now.

~~ Rehoboth Beach, Delaware ~~

The band had booked the same two music festivals in Cape May and Rehoboth as last year, giving me a slight feeling of déjà vu. I played with the band again at both shows. There were a ton of classic rock songs I already was pretty comfortable playing. Since the crowd in New Jersey leaned older, I was able to play a whole set.

It felt a little weird for me when the band members were the ones who had to learn Billy Joel's Movin' Out, instead of me learning a song they already knew. They picked it up so fast, though, that I had no time for any feelings of superiority.

We ended our set with The Cars, Just What I Needed, a song that had really tested me as I'd had to learn how to use the tone wheel on the side of my Korg, something the piano had never prepared me for.

After the show, Suzanne, Sara, Jo and I stood on the top deck of the ferry on the way from Cape May to Rehoboth Beach.

"Good call skipping the snack bar this year," Jo said.

"Those hot dogs were nasty," Sara agreed.

"Where did you two go for dinner last year? I remember you raving about it for days after we left Rehoboth," Suzanne asked me.

"The big raw bar at the end of the boardwalk," I said. "So good. Tell me we're going there again tonight baby."

"Anything for my favorite keyboard player," Jo said. She had her eyes closed, her aviator sunglasses perched on top of her purple hair, her face turned up, bathing in the afternoon sunlight as she leaned on the railing. "We should ditch the boys and do a girl's-night-out dinner."

"I hear that," Suzanne said. "Jill, I have to say, you're fitting right in with us on stage. We need to spend some time this week getting you up to speed on more songs so you can do a full set. I think you really have the best voice of any of us."

"That's because you've only heard me sing melody. If I had to sing harmony I'm not sure you'd let me near a mic."

Jo smiled and said, "Practice, practice, Blue. That's the only way you—"

She was interrupted as the ferry gave a deafening blast from the ship's horn directly above our heads and we all jumped.

"Jo's right, Jill," Suzanne said. "We've all been singing together since high school. You'll get there." The horn blasted again, making us jump once more.

"I know I will," I said, "It's still intimidating, but today was less so than the first night. Jo, what songs do you think we should work on?"

Jo had pulled her sunglasses down over her eyes. "Uh... I'm uh, I'm not sure. I gotta go find the head, I'll hook up with you guys later." She turned away from the rail and started down the stairs.

"I liked your idea of doing some Ben Folds, Jill," Suzanne said. "Good bass lines for me there."

I frowned, looking down the steps where Jo had disappeared. "Hey Suzanne, where's the ladies' room?"

"Next to the snack bar." She followed my gaze. "Jill? Everything okay?"

"I'm not sure. I'll meet you guys on the bus, okay?"

I headed down the stairs. When I reached the bottom, the ship's horn gave out another loud blast, and I hurried to find the bathrooms.

Jo wasn't in the women's bathroom. I looked around for her as I rushed through the public areas, then headed down to the vehicle deck. As soon as I came down the stairs I started running towards the tour bus. I could see that the bus door was sitting wide open. I found Jo's sunglasses lying on the deck outside the bus. I scooped them up and climbed up the steps, found the salon empty, and moved down the hallway towards the back. I could hear Jo hyperventilating before I even passed the bunk area.

She was sitting in the corner of the bedroom, her knees drawn up, arms wrapped around them, her face buried. She was gasping and drenched with sweat. I didn't say anything, I just knelt down and wrapped my arms around her, laying my cheek on top of her head.

"I can't... I can't stop... I can't..." she gasped out.

"It's okay, Jo. Just listen to me breathe. Feel my breaths and count them." My breasts were pressed against her knees and I drew in deep, slow breaths, so she could feel my chest move. "Don't focus on your breathing, focus on mine. Count with me. One... two... three... c'mon Jo."

"Four..." she gasped out, then sobbed once before continuing, "Five... s-six... seven..."

"Good girl, that's good, keep counting, focus on my breaths." I stroked her hair.