How to Cyber: Step 02

Hi, again, everyone! I'm planning a series on the nitty-gritty of cybersex...the good, the bad, and the ugly. I want to take the time to properly gather the good examples (didn't your teachers tell you that research could be fun?), so in the meantime, let's start with the BAD.

I don't want to put anyone off, so if you get icked out, PLEASE hang around and read the good examples when I get around to writing some up.

I've dredged around in the unemptied trash folder of my mind, but all of the below examples are purely fictional, and any resemblance to real-life bad cybersex is coincidental.

Rule number one of bad cyber- when it's bad, it's AWFUL. Let's read on and cringe together.

Bad Cyber- example #1-

Her: HI!

Him: HI! How are you

Her: Fine!! How about you?

Him: How big R your tits?

Her: Wow, you don't waste any time, do you? B-cup.

Him: Is your pussy wet?

Her: Not just yet, but wait...

Him: I have an 11 in thich cock

Her: That's kind of overkill for me...I'm not that big a girl.

Him: I fuck you now durty bitch you luv my big cokc

Her: Sounds like you need to slow down

Him: U have a cam I look at your you cum

Her: No, I don't...um, could you slow down a bit?

Him: Fuck you hard like you like it durty bich

Her: No, I'm getting turned off.

Him: U frijid or somethin what matter with u

Her: Sorry, not for me. Goodbye, and best wishes!

Him: WTF?

Notes: Let's just analyze this little interaction for a minute...can we see anything that might be missing? That's right! Our fictional cyberstud forgot the foreplay!! He also forgot the spelling, the punctuation, the tact, the subtlety, and the fact that his female partner is NOT being paid to service him. Lesson to be learned- try not to leap into chat with someone you can't talk to...and if you do, feel free to leap RIGHT back out...then pull out the Formula 409 and the squeegee and try to wash that experience right out of your mind.

Now that we've seen one obvious bad example, let's look at something a bit more subtle.

Bad Cyber- Example #2-

Her: HI!

Him: Hi...how are you?

Her: Doing fine...nice to have you here to talk.

Him: Oh, I am very happy to be here. How's the weather there?

Her: It's nice...a little windy. How about at your place?

Him: Nice and sunny here.

Her: I have the day off...how about you?

Him: Me, too.

Her: Wow, guess sometimes things just work out well. Can I sit a little closer?

Him: I loved your story...it was so true.

Her: Thank you...I'll give you a kiss for saying so.

Him: What do you do?

Her: I'm a systems analyst. How about you?

Him: Sorry!! I kiss you back and put my hand on your soft breast.

Him: I'm a CPA.

Her: Mmmm...

Him: I always have Tuesdays off because we're really busy on weekends.

Her: That's tough...do you like working on weekends?

Him: I'm getting excited by your smell.

Him: It's ok, I don't mind it...I'm used to it now. Sometimes I feel like it's too much to take.

Her: My smell? Working weekends? Maybe we need to start over.

Notes: What went wrong here? This is what we call a "leading problem"...just like dancing, with cyber, ideally you work together smoothly as a team, and in order to achieve that, it has to be clear who is going to lead (setting the tone and pace) and who is going to follow. In the above example, things got confused because instant messaging isn't instant! Remember that there will be a time lag, and if your cyberpartner has a different connection speed, this can be quite noticeable. In order to avoid mixed messages as in the above example, try taking turns until the rhythm is clear, and at the first sign of miscommunication or talking past one another SLOW down and wait for your partner's cue. Leading problems are easy to fix if you don't panic. They are even easier to prevent...start slow. It seems to be an unwritten rule of cyber that "what are you wearing now?" is a good way to start things out...probably because the resulting discussion and explanation helps to establish the lead before things get all nude...and by the way, "wanna cyber?" is one of those cliched phrases that everyone has heard but which no one seems to use that much...it is not that it CAN'T be used effectively, but it is better used with a touch of humor, especially in a first encounter.

Now let's move to the more sensitive side of things- needs and preferences.

Bad Cyber- Example #3-

Her: Hi!

Him: Hi, there!! Thanks for inviting me...I loved your story.

Her: Thanks! It is great to hear that. I thought your note was really charming.

Him: Was your story true?

Her: Parts of it were, but it was arranged a bit.

Him: Wow! That's amazing. Do you look anything like the heroine?

Her: Not really...I'm 5'2" with green eyes and red hair...I made her tall and dark because that's what I wish I looked like...I hope you're not disappointed.

Him: Not at all...you sound cute!

Her: Thanks...that's so sweet!

Him: Was that your real house in the story?

Her: Yes, I suppose it was.

Him: I really liked the rug. Red shag carpet turns me on.

Her: LOL...yes, we have plenty of that...the former owners must have gotten it on special.

Him: Have you ever made love on the red shag carpet?

Her: Hmmm...it never really crossed my mind...but I guess it IS shag carpet, after all, so maybe that's what it's there for...LOL.

Him: Do you have any remnants left?

Her: No...I don't think so.

Him: I chop a chunk out of the carpet and rub it on my body.

Her: Oh.

Him: It's so hot! Mmm...the feeling is so wonderful.

Her: Do you want to sit next to me? I'll give you a kiss.

Him: I take my pants off and rub that red shag all over my hairy thighs...ooh, baby, that feels nice...can you see me getting excited?

Her: Yes...would you like to sit next to me on the couch?

Him: On the floor, roll around on the carpet, that's it...I want to see it rub against you, baby, while I stroke myself with this piece of RED SHAGGGG...oooh!

Her: Keep the carpet. It's all yours.

Notes: We all have likes and dislikes, but if yours are not widely shared in real life, perhaps they won't be widely shared in the virtual world, either. Try to sort this out beforehand if at all possible...and don't forget that cybersex should be a mutual, sharing experience, especially in early encounters...don't focus on your own desires and alienate your partner, or you may soon find yourself alone with nothing but your needs for company.

Hope I gave you at least a few ideas about what to avoid...honestly, the good really DOES outweigh the bad. I'll get into that later, I promise!

For a general introduction to cybersex, see my essay "How to Break All the Cybersex Rules", and for tips on meeting someone compatible, please read "How to Cyber, Step 01".

Thanks for reading, and please feel free to post about your own experiences, good, bad, and goodness knows what in between (disquising any personal details, of course).

Happy cyber, everyone!