by BOSTONFICTIONWRITER 05/10/08
Below are listed explicit and graphic instructions on how to seduce your sister-in-law. These instructions will also work if you are a woman hoping to seduce your brother-in-law. Also, with just a few modifications to your dialogue, switching sister for mother and brother for father, these principles can be successfully applied to your mother-in-law, as well as your father-in-law, if you are so inclined.
No matter if you call it incest or taboo, sex with your in-laws has that certain dangerous feeling because it is forbidden sex. Nonetheless, it's spring and there are hormones flying everywhere and you haven't gotten laid or even received a blowjob in a while? It's been that long? Wow! That's a record. Now, I understand why you are humping my leg while reading this.
Warning: Do not try this at home unless you are an experienced incest/taboo professional or if you are so desperate to have sex with your sister-in-law/brother-in-law or mother-in-law/father-in-law and are so hot for them that you just don't care.
Warning: This system of surefire incest/taboo forbidden instructions for fornication is best used if you are in the process of divorcing your spouse anyway. Make sure you have your bags pre-packed, have removed all breakable objects from the house, and parked your car where your wife/husband can't find it flatten your tires of smash your windshield. So, now you are good to go.
Sorry, this is the last warning. This system of surefire incest/taboo forbidden instructions for fornication is best if your sister-in-law is a hottie, your brother-in-law is a hunk, your mother-in-law is a MILF, and your father-in-law is a FILF (?). Otherwise, it's just nasty sex magnified by the fact that it is incest/taboo and forbidden sex with the entire ugly family of women/men.
I guess it could work, too, if you are only having sex with her sister/brother or mother/father to get back at her/him. That's always a good plan, so long as your wife doesn't own and know how to load and fire a shotgun and your husband has more of a sense of humor and a sense of forgiveness than he does a temper.
Okay, are you ready to begin? Let me look at you. Tuck in your shirt/blouse and straighten your hair. Yeah, licking your palm to flatten down your hair is always better than using a hairbrush or a comb. Never mind. Dude/girl, when did you brush your teeth last? Never mind.
Let's go in the living room to put our little plan to action. There she/he is the fount of information, the keeper of every little dirty secret, and the oracle on the subject of her/his mother/father or her/his sister/brother...your wife/husband. Look at her sitting curled up on the couch with the cat. Look at him sitting in his chair while cleaning his gun. Yeah, sure she was prettier when you married her, and so, what if she gained a few, okay dozens of pounds. She still looks good, kind of, not really, not at all. Yeah, sure he looks that same when you married him as he does now, only he's fatter, balder, and meaner. Girl what were you thinking?
Gees, Dude, when was the last time she washed her hair. Wait, what's that smell? Did the cat just eat tuna? Woman, when was the last time he took a bath and changed those socks? That's just nasty.
Just look at her or him and smile. Go ahead, give her or him a little wave as you hand her the quart of ice cream and/or a case of beer. Show her or him your best expression of devotion that you love her or him. Good, if there were an Oscar for this performance, you'd win.
Now, I understand your reasoning for the need to have sex with her/his sister/brother or mother/father. Having sex with anyone but your wife or husband is an improvement. Besides, so long as you can justify that having sex with her mother/father or sister/brother isn't really cheating, it's just spending time with her family and it is okay.
Look at her or him now. Her mother looks better than she does or his father looks better than he does. Definitely, her sister does, too or definitely his brother does, too. I think she/he lost another tooth, a front tooth.
Can I ask you a question? Were you drunk when you married her/him or did you think that she/he had money? Never mind.
Let's begin. Does your wife or husband drink? What does your wife drink? Vodka? What does your husband drink? Boilermakers. Perfect. Make her/him a stiff drink. Be nice to her/him. Rub her feet or rub his cock. Talk about her/his family and what it was like growing up with her/his sister/brother and mother/father.
Now, is the time to put the tape recorder on the coffee table to capture all the moments of family history.
"What's that for?"
"I don't want to forget anything you say, Honey."
"Oh, that's so sweet."
Wow, she/he fell for that one and gulped that drink down in a hurry. Quick, make her/him another one before she/he protests.
Now, ask her/him about her/his childhood while subtly asking her/him questions about her/his mother/father and sister/brother. You want to find out everything to know about them so that you can use that against them in their seduction.
Specifically what information you need to know is the favorite colors, books, songs, foods, and drinks of your mother-in-law/father-in-law and/or sister-in-law/brother-in-law. Whatever else nonsense that your wife/husband blurts out while you are taping her/his thoughts is just extraneous information. Colors, books, songs, foods, and drinks, especially of the alcoholic kind are what will get you laid.
Now, if you were the observant son-in-law/daughter-in-law, you'd know much of this information already. You'd know the drink of their choice, their favorite color, books, movies, and pretty much all that you needed to know to seduce her or him.
"Colors? My mother/father loves blue. I don't know what my sister's/brother's favorite color is. My Mom's/Dad's favorite thing is her/his thick pile terrycloth bathrobe. She/he loves how it feels. You know that, we buy her/him a new one almost every year. Oh, and she/he loves Polo/Ambush cologne/perfume. Books? My sister/brother never reads, but my mother/father loves anything by Danielle Steele/car magazines and my Mom/Dad loves Billy Joel/stripper music."
"Okay, this is nice learning about your family. Continue please. I need, I mean, want to learn more about them."
"I have a funny story about my Mom/Dad when she/he was vacationing in Jamaica (here it comes, the good part). She/he got drunk on slow gin fizzes/boilermakers. My Mom's/Dad's back is where her/his erogenous zones are. If you want to have sex with my Mom/Dad (ewww, gross yuck), just ply her/him with booze and give her a back massage. She blew her or he received a blowjob from his Jamaican masseur while he/she was rubbing her/his back."
Well, there you go. A small change in plan, but a surefire one to work, instead of doing her sister/brother, I'd go for her mother/father.
Good she's/he's sleeping. I'd leave her/him there, if I were you. She's/he's way too heavy to carry upstairs to bed. Besides, that's what you did the last time she/he was drunk and sleeping when you stripped her/him naked and then called over all your buddies/girlfriends for a poker game/Tupperware party. That was fun. She/he was better looking then. I'd don't think they'd come over now, the way she/he looks.
So, next week when she flies to Addison Texas for the big Mary Kay conventions or he flies to Amarillo Texas for the big beef barbeque cook-off is when you put your plan in action.
For those of you who just joined us and/or don't want to read the entire How To Seduce Your Sister-in-law/brother-in-law, there was a change in plan from seducing your sister-in-law/brother-in-law to seducing your mother-in-law/father-in-law, let's quickly recap and go over how it's done.
1. Get your wife/husband drunk 2. Interrogate her/him about her sister/brother and/or mother/father while she/he is under the influence of excessive alcohol. 3. Tape record the conversation 4. Ask her/him personal and revealing questions about her/his sister/brother and/or mother/father. 5. Use all that personal information to your advantage in seducing your sister-in-law/brother-in-law and/or mother-in-law/father-in-law. 6. Good luck
A week later, you drive your wife/husband to the airport and kiss, er hug, shake her/his hand, er pat her/him on the back good-bye.
"Don't forget, I asked my Mom/Dad to check on you."
That evening, there you are feeling sexy while wearing nothing but your plush pile terrycloth bathrobe and generous amounts of Polo/Ambush cologne/perfume. With your collection of Danielle Steele novels/car magazine at your side and Billy Joel/stripper music playing on the stereo, you sit there reading while sipping a, actually forcing down (yuck), a slow gin fizz/boilermaker.
"Oh, hi, Mom/Dad. I didn't know you were coming over. I would have put some clothes on. I'm glad I'm at least wearing my thick pile terry cloth bathrobe."
"Doreen/Freddie asked me to check on you. I didn't know you like Danielle Steele/car magazines or Billy Joel/stripper music."
"I love Danielle Steel/car magazines and I love Billy Joel/stripper music. Can I fix you a drink? All I have are slow gin fizzes/boilermakers."
"I'd love a drink."
Now, wait until she's/he's consumed her/his third drink and then speak your part.
"You look tense. Do you have a backache? That chair is not the most comfortable."
"Yeah, my back has stiffened up a bit."
"Here, come over to the couch, put your head in my lap, and I'll give you a nice back massage."
"Really, you'd give me a massage?"
Now, this is the part where you're tipsy mother-in-law/father-in-law comes over to where you are sitting on the couch and puts her/his forehead on your thigh while you gently massage her/his back through her/his blouse/shirt.
"I'm just going to pull up your blouse a bit and unhook your bra." Or "I'm just going to loosen your pants and unzip your fly to give you more room."
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