Is Love All or Nothing? Ch. 05

"Asperger's messing with your head again?"

"Worse than you'd want to know." Keith had told his boss when he first got hired that he has Aspergers and that if something bad or tragic happened he would have a hard time concentrating at work. It wasn't that Keith was looking for sympathy. He just wanted his boss to know if something was wrong it was because Keith's personal life was distracting him from focusing on work.

"You haven't taken any time off this year if I remember correctly. Consider yourself on vacation the rest of the week and you can have up to next week if you need it."

Keith was shocked by his boss giving him time off, but he was sure he didn't need. "That is very kind of you but"

"No buts Keith. As much as I want you to just work through this, I don't want to see you have a mental breakdown at work. You know I've done this for other people too, but you've overworked yourself the past few months anyway. Take a break and when you come back I want to see the drive and focus that made me hire you in the first place."

Keith realizes there is no arguing with his boss. It had been well over a year since he had taken any sort of vacation from work and maybe now was the best time for him to just relax and clear his mind. "Thank you Mr. Smith. I'll give you a call Monday if I'll be back."

"Just come back in when your mind is right and you've resolved your situation with the young woman."

Keith heads back to his office to turn off his computer, get his keys and turn off the lights. He takes the long way out of the building and gets in his car. "Maybe some time off is really what I need to put Jackie behind me," he says to himself as he drives home.

"Goddammit he's right there!" Keith screams through his headset. "Of course you just assume someone on your team that isn't anyway close to you is going to finish the kill off as you die."

Keith's idea of relaxing isn't considered relaxing to most. While playing video games sometimes just causes more stress, especially playing with bad teammates in Call of Duty. It helps him focus on one thing and not on Jackie.

People with Asperger's have a hard time not having their thoughts go to what is wrong in their lives at that point or other negative events from their past. As much as Keith would love to just watch a movie and not think about Jackie, his brain is not wired that way. He could try to push those thoughts out of his head but they would just come back a few minutes later. So instead he chooses an activity, in this case playing video games, that doesn't let other thoughts come into play.

"Fucking idiot! He's right there in front of you!" Keith's frustration just keeps growing throughout the match. He has thirteen kills but the rest of his team only has a combined twelve with the enemy team having forty kills. He runs around a building to catch two enemy players from behind and kills them within seconds before getting mowed down from behind by their teammate.

The match continues for another few minutes before the other team gets fifty team kills and wins. Keith had a good game with seventeen kills and only ten deaths but the same couldn't be said for the rest of his team. He had been playing for well over two hours straight and decided to take a small break. He grabs a few pretzel rods from the bag next to him and takes a big gulp of Gatorade. While eating the rods he checks his phone to see if he has any messages from anyone and sees there are two messages from Jackie.

Hi Keith, I hope you've been well.

I was wondering if you would like to grab a drink with me tonight at Brownstead.

Keith checks the time on his phone and sees that it is only four thirty. He thinks about if he really wants to see Jackie and talk about Saturday. He had just finally pushed what happened out of his mind and now everything was flooding back in.

Hi Jackie, I've been doing ok. What time were you thinking?

How does 7 sound?

Keith takes a minute to think about it, if he really wants to go. All the worst case scenarios start playing in his head and he is almost convinced that it would be a horrible idea is see Jackie. But somehow he is able to set those thoughts aside and think about if he and Jackie can figure out how to make the relationship work.

7 sounds goods. Let's sit at a table though so Andy can't try to listen in.

Sounds good to me. This is something we just need to figure out ourselves.

I'll see you there at 7 then.

Keith gets to the bar earlier to find a nice, quiet spot for him and Jackie to sit and far enough away from the bar that he could spot Andy coming if he approached. A few minutes after finding the table Jackie walks in and spots him. They embrace for a friendly hug before they sit down.

"How have you been Jackie?"

"I've been ok. This week has been rough for me," Jackie says sounding slightly depressed.

"Yea, it has been rough for the both of us."

A waitress comes by asking if they want anything to drink. Keith asks for a Budweiser draft and Jackie asks for a rum and coke.

"So...shall we just talk about the elephant in the room?" Keith asks, wanting to just get it out of the way.

"I'm sorry for the way I acted Saturday night. I was out of line."

"You don't need to apologize. I was the one who went off and scared you. I'm sorry Jackie. You had said you trusted me and I blew it."

There is a silence between the two that lasts a few minutes until the waitress brings them their drinks.

"I don't know where to go from here Jackie." Keith takes a big gulp of his beer before he speaks again. "It just seems like we're hiding a lot from each other. I really do like you but..." Keith doesn't know how to finish his sentence. He searches for what he wants to say but nothing comes to mind."

"My previous boyfriend cheated on me and used me only for sex," Jackie says only loud enough for Keith to hear. Shock took over his face realizing the full effect of what she is saying.

"How did you find out he was cheating on you?"

"He was taking a shower at my place and I heard his phone go off. I decided to check it and another woman was texting him asking if he was coming over that night. He never locked his phone so I decided to check the texting history between the two." She takes a sip of her drink and a deep breath to keep her composure. "What I found was more texts with other women asking him to spend the night or just straight sexting. I immediately went into my bathroom and turned off the shower on him and told him to get the hell out, throwing his phone and clothes at him as he left."

Keith was starting to understand her pain. Her last boyfriend kept things hidden from her just like he had. He gets his phone out of his pocket, unlocks it and slides it over to Jackie. "If you want to still date me, I want you to know that you're the only woman I'm texting and the only one I want to be with."

Jackie slides the phone back to Keith. "I trust you with that Keith. You don't seem like the type of guy that cheats or plays games."

"Yea...but I still wish I was a better man."

"What do you mean by that?" Jackie asks confused.

Keith takes another gulp of his beer before he starts. "A few months ago I started dating a woman that I fell for hard. We met at another bar and just seemed to hit it off really well. After a few dates we were making out and just enjoying each other's company. Then out of the blue she told me she didn't want to see me anymore."

"Did she give you a reason why?"

"No and I probably should have left it alone but I didn't." Keith takes a smaller sip from his beer before he continues. "I texted at least once every day asking her to tell me what happened but after a while I just started saying things I shouldn't have said. I started telling her she was crazy, a jerk, soon I started telling her she had Asperger's."

"I assume that didn't go over so well."

"No, but I didn't stop there. After that I wrote a very lengthy letter going into much bigger details what I thought about her and saying again she had Asperger's and left it at her door. Later that day I got a phone call from her screaming at me. She told me her friends had found the letter before she did and were shocked at what they had read. She then told me she would file a restraining order on me if I didn't leave her alone." Tears started to form in Keith's eyes as he was finishing the story. "I never thought I act like a stalker but as I think back, that is what I was. I became something I swore I would never become and it still haunts me."

"Is that part of the reason you have been so guarded with me? You didn't want to put yourself in a situation where you would get hurt like that again?

Keith lifts his glasses up to wipe away the tears from his eyes. "Yes. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt you. I care about you too much to put you through what I put my ex through."

Jackie reaches across the table and grabs Keith's hand. "Keith, I know you won't. You are not that guy anymore."

"I don't know Jackie. Sometimes I feel like I'm just going to be alone rest of my life."

"Keith, listen to me," Jackie says, squeezing his hand tighter. "You are not that type of guy. The man I've been with these past couple weeks has shown me nothing but love and kindness. You've gone out of your way to treat me like no other guy has ever treated me. You make me feel beautiful and wanted. Honestly I don't want to give up on us."

"You don't?" Keith asks squeezing Jackie's hand back. His thoughts go from this isn't going to work to she really wants to be with me.

"Yes, I don't want to give up on you. I appreciate you opening up to me about your last relationship."

Keith lifts Jackie's hand up and gives it a gentle kiss. "I know it was just as hard for you to open up to me about your past. I will never cheat on you or just use you for sex. I also promise to let you know sooner if I feel like my anger is going to get the best of me. I don't want to blow up at you ever again."

Jackie's smile grew bigger and bigger with each promise Keith made. "I promise to try to understand you better and help you realize you are not going to be alone the rest of your life."

Their waitress comes by to ask if they want anything else. They both decline and the waitress then asks if they want the check. Keith says yes and to put it on one check.

"You don't have to pay for my drink Keith."

"I know, but I want to. Just think of it as me being the gentlemen you expect me to be."

Jackie lets out little laugh knowing that is what she expects from him. "Ok, I'll let you take care of the bill this time."

"Do you have any plans tomorrow night?"

"No, not until you make plans with me."

"I didn't realize you were waiting for me to make plans with you. Well then, how do you feel about a Star Trek The Next Generation marathon at my place? I'll provide the popcorn."

"Change popcorn to Ben and Jerry's Boom Chocolatta Cookie Core and I'll be there."

"Chocowatta?"

"I'll send you a pic to your phone so you know what to pick up."

The waitress comes back with a check and Keith gets his wallet out. He puts enough cash on the table to cover the tab and a pretty big tip.

"Someone is feeling generous," Jackie remarks at the amount being left for the tip.

"I know waiters and waitresses make all their money on tips. She also left us alone the whole time to let us talk."

Jackie thinks about the fact they weren't interrupted at all and the only time she really came by was when there was silence between them. "I guess you're right."

"So will you let me escort you to your car?"

"You better. I expect you to be a gentlemen, remember?

Keith lets out a little laugh. "You got me there."

They leave the table and walk out of the bar towards Jackie's car. When they reach her car they give each other a tight hug with Jackie's head pressing against Keith's chest. While he is enjoying the embrace, Keith's feelings for Jackie just overflow on him.

"Jackie, I would like your permission to do something."

Jackie brings her head back and looks at Keith's face. "What do you need my permission for?"

"I would like to have our first kiss."

Jackie simply smiles and nods her head in approval. Keith places his left hand behind Jackie's and pulls it in close until their lips meet. Their kiss turns out to be more passionate than either could have predicted and neither wanted to end the kiss. Their lips separate for after what seemed like eternity. They look into each other's eyes and just smile at each other.

"That was the best first kiss I've ever had," says Keith.

"You're a great kisser Keith. I hope to have many more with you."

Keith gives Jackie a kiss on her forehead and then a little peck on her lips. She unlocks her car and he opens the door for her.

"I'll text you my address tomorrow. Hope you have a good rest of the night Jackie."

"I will because I just had the most amazing first kiss ever."

Jackie enters her car and Keith closes her door for her. She turns on her engine, gives one last wave to Keith and heads home.

Keith stands there for a few minutes thinking about the events of what just happened and how everything has changed. He was so worried that Jackie wanted nothing to do with him that he didn't even think about the possibility they would make their relationship work. But now they are back together and just had their first kiss.

"So you two are good now?" says a voice from behind him. Keith turns around and sees Andy.

"How long have you been there?"

"Long enough to see that kiss."

"Stalker much?"

Andy lets out a big laugh at the expense of his best friend. "You kissed her in the parking lot of the bar I work at on a slow night. You expect me to not spy on you?

"Or you could just stay at the bar and tend to the customers that are there."

"So, are things good between you two now?"

"Yes, and I firmly believe they will only continue to get better."