Journal of an Agent Ch. 05

"And listen, I'll still cut you that check if you want," interjected Rick.

I was furious now. Not just about there egos, but about how I had let myself get carried away by passion and now how horrible I would feel about things until I told Alyssa.

"Look, I don't want your fucking money. I'm not some god damn gigolo. I'm warning you though; You ever call my office again I will go straight to MTV and ruin little im-miss-innocent over there's reputation. You won't be able to get a job singing for the fucking bum on the street,"

Christina looked hurt and taken aback by this, and I decided it was my time to leave. Grabbing my coat, I walked out the door, slamming it behind me.

Driving back to my apartment, I changed and tried to get the smell of sex off of me. But it was no use. No matter how hard I scrubbed myself, the stench of cheating felt ingrained in me. That night I was supposed to pick Alyssa up for dinner, but when I finally pulled up to her house, I sat in my car with my face in my hands for 20 minutes, ashamed at what I had done. I tried to rationalize how shitty I had been and how it had been the L.A. lifestyle. But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get around the fact that I had to tell Alyssa before this got to big. Given the terms I left Rick's office on, it was just a matter of time before this became gossip. Resigning myself to fate, I walked to Alyssa's door and went inside.

It's been a week now since that night. I spoke with Alyssa immediately about it, and despite my heartfelt apology, she told me to get out and to never come near her again. She said that all of her contract work with my firm would be done over the phone only and that if I tried to force her to do something she would drop me so fast it would make my head spin.

As I sit here now, watching television on my couch, I have made a promise to myself. Never again will I put myself in a situation where I could hurt the person I grow to care about. I will live to date again, without a doubt. But next time, I won't be the one who gets burned.