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Letter to My Ex

When I found out you were cheating on me, I was angry, of course. Angry and hurt. It wasn't so much that you were being unfaithful as that you pretended that it was my fault. When did I ever turn you down? When did I say "No. You can't have me tonight," when you wanted sex and I wasn't really in the mood?

I was always yours for the taking. Anytime you wanted me, I was available. You couldn't say the same. How many times were you absent when I needed you to hold me? How many times were you lying in some other woman's arms when I wanted you in mine?

I wasn't entirely truthful with you when I said that I was faithful. I cheated too. Not to the extent that you did. I didn't have the opportunities that you had, with your trips out of town, and all those nights you called home saying you had to work late when you were really fucking someone else.

I may have even cheated first. I'm not sure when you cheated on me the first time. I suspect that you were cheating on me by our first anniversary, but I can't prove it, and you would never tell me the truth.

I was faithful through the first year. Remember how you were gone out of town on our first anniversary? Were you cheating then? Had you cheated even before that?

I found out you were cheating from your friend Roger. He didn't actually tell me you were, so don't get mad at him, but I could tell by the way he felt it necessary to cover for you that you were doing something you didn't want to tell me about. Were you covering for him too?

It was two weeks after our first anniversary when I cheated on you. You were out of town again, remember? You were climbing the ladder at work, and I understood that you needed to work hard to get promotions so we could have a better life, but it still hurt that you were gone so much.

You were supposed to have come home for the weekend, but you didn't. You said that there was a problem, and you had to stay over until the next week. Was that a lie? It doesn't matter now, of course. There were enough lies to go around, from you and me.

So I got fucked. I went out clubbing with Joni from work. We drank too much and ended up getting picked up by a couple of guys in a bar. They were really nice.

Remember how you said that the other girls weren't important, that they were, "only pussy." Did they think of themselves that way, do you think?

I suppose that I was only pussy to the guy who took me back to his apartment that night. I never heard from him again, and when I left at seven the next morning he was still asleep. I don't even know if he'd have remembered my name if we had ever met again, but I remember his.

It was Dwayne, at least that's what he told me it was.

We went back to his place because I told him I was married and he didn't want to take the chance that my husband might come home.

I was worried that you might be there when I got in, or that you'd tried calling and known I had stayed out all night. You hadn't though. There were no messages. I cried when I got home. I felt so guilty, even though I suspected you were cheating on me.

I tried blaming it on having too much to drink, but I wasn't that drunk, and I knew exactly what I was doing. When we got back to his apartment we didn't even waste any time pretending I was just going in for a drink.

I knew what he was inviting me to his place for, and it wasn't to watch basketball. We had been kissing and touching in the club, just as Joni and her date had been nuzzling and caressing each other.

Joni left first. I had driven, so she didn't have to worry about getting me home.

When he asked if I wanted to go back to his place I didn't hesitate. I was eager. I had dressed for success, with a short skirt. His hand had been on my thigh when he asked me, and I had responded by touching his cock through his pants and saying I'd love too, and, because his friend had left with Joni, he needed a ride anyway.

He didn't even offer me a drink before stripping me naked and fucking me on the sofa. My pussy was so wet, like it used to be when we were dating. His dick was bigger than yours too. I liked the way it felt in my hand, the weight of it, the smoothness of the shaft, the velvety feel of the tip before he put on a condom.

He went down on me. Not just for foreplay, but until I came, he could really eat pussy. He gently fingered my ass while he ate me. It was so exciting.

I wanted his dick inside me so badly. I was sober by then, you know. There was no excuse at all. I wanted his dick in me. I would have let him fuck me if he hadn't been wearing a condom. I would have run the risk of disease or pregnancy just to have his dick in me at that moment.

I wanted him to fuck me hard. I urged him to hurry, to fill me with his stiff dick.

It hurt a little when he entered me, wet as I was. Remember how it hurt the first time you fucked me? How you asked if it was hurting, and I said yes? God I loved that. That hurting.

Up until that time, yours was the biggest cock I'd had inside me. I still use yours as a reference point, I guess because I've had it more often than any other.

His was bigger.

He wore a condom. I had a box in my purse. A three pack. We used one of those. Before the night was over we'd used them all.

I'd bought them at the drugstore that afternoon, after Joni and I made plans to go out clubbing. I planned to get laid. That was the reason she and I were going out, to find some guys to fuck us.

He made my pussy sore.

When you came home that next week, you made my pussy sore too. I remember how horny you were, and I felt so guilty because I thought that must have meant you didn't cheat on me after all. I was horny too, though, and it wasn't because I didn't cheat on you, so maybe I was wrong.

Maybe I shouldn't have felt so guilty.

Were you thinking about the women you'd fucked while you were away. I was thinking about Dwayne. Thinking about his big dick inside me while you were away, telling him what I told you, "It's your pussy."

"It's yours."

I didn't cheat on you for a long time after that. I was certain that you were cheating on me before I did it again, and then only because I knew that our marriage was doomed anyway. There was no way to save it, and I was lonely. I wanted you to know I was cheating so I left clues and dropped hints and made it obvious.

Except, of course, you weren't paying attention.

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