Matt and Jason Ch. 07

There was another big, burning question: what if Matt and I didn't work out?

This was another thing I was too scared to think about. He was... damn, in a short amount of time, he became my best friend. Like the best friend I could ever have. I didn't even want to consider that I'd lose that life-changing sex we had... but in a real way, it would be far worse to lose... him. And could a relationship even last? Two dipshits falling into a relationship they don't know how to navigate, and can't even make sense of? Once the honeymoon period is over, would we start driving each other crazy, trying to make a gay relationship work, with all the outside pressure? How badly would I fuck him up?

And then what would I do, without him? Watching him resume his adventures with some hot chick on his arm? Or would it be worse seeing him with another guy?

God. Damn. It.

What really kicked me in the crotch is that I've always seen myself as a man of action. A "git 'er done" kinda guy. Not really living with my feelings, happy to push through them to deal with "later." This... paralysis was laying me flat. And the one person I could talk to about it... was the person I couldn't talk to about it. Man, just bringing this up to the guy would likely make him squirm, as he would probably never want to be in a relationship with me....

Aaaaaagh.

Over the next couple of days, I started falling into a funk. Which was weird as shit... I mean, things were going great in so many ways. But I couldn't help feel like even though things with Matt were great, I was courting danger. That there were too many mines in the minefield to navigate.

But at the end of the day... I was surprised to realize something else: just how much I missed him. I mean, Jesus... he was going to be gone for, what, 10 days total? Nothing! But I was... feeling it. Wondering what he was doing. Wishing I could share some stupid, funny story about work. His smile. His scent. His beard....

The collision of feelings was getting me down. I was feeling off my game, distracted. Just moping around. By Thursday night it had gotten bad enough that I had to do something to blow off some steam, and I decided to hit the gym. Working out had always been a refuge of sorts for me, a way to burn off energy and clear my mind. And usually, doing reps worked as a like a chanted mantra that cleared my mind. But after the crazy shenanigans with Matt, I had been a bit nervous about being naked around a bunch of naked guys. Would they see right through me? How would my body respond? And how could I hide it if it... did... start to respond?

It was late at night when I finally got the nerve to head out. I had hoped that going off-hours would minimize any encounters. I really wanted to be in my own space.

My reasoning for going was logical... but the reality is that I probably shouldn't have gone. I wasn't in the best frame of mind. Emotions had gotten the best of me, and I wasn't really working out, but acting out. Lashing out. And just plain being stupid. Doing superset after superset on the machines, wild and unfocused. No form whatsoever, just me punishing my body in a dumb-assed attempt to push out the pain I was in. Smash down the emotions I was feeling. The longer I was at it, the more I doubled down. Attack and attack. Endless reps, pushing past my limits. Stupid. Undisciplined. It was a miracle I wasn't hurting myself.

Finally I pushed through a cycle way too long, having bitten off way more than I could safely chew, and realized I was letting loose with a long, snarled scream. I released. Let everything go. I stood and walked a few steps, my muscles screaming. Stood there with my hands on my hips, radiating toxicity.

"Hey bud, you okay?" A low voice behind me.

I don't know what it was, but that simple, innocuous question unleashed something inside me. All my confusion, doubts, frustrations and physical pain boiled over at once. "I'm FINE!" I wheeled on the guy, in full attack mode. "FUCK OFF!!"

I was ready to rumble... but seeing him I stopped myself short. I recognized the guy, although we'd never spoken before. Seen him around a few times... usually there in the mornings, if memory served. And seeing this guy once, you'd never forget him. With the possible exception of Matt, he was the most gorgeous man I've ever seen in real life. Almost at the perfect midway point between being a Greek god and a lumberjack. A jaw strong enough to chisel granite, and eyes that were almost hypnotic. Radiating easy masculinity, power and confidence. No need to prove anything to anyone.

In response to my nakedly hostile remark, some guys might have puffed up and met me head on. This guy simply raised his hands placatingly, turned on his heels and when back to his business.

Great, Jason. Real asshole move there, with someone who was just trying to help.

Still in a foul mood, I stormed out back into the locker room. Stripping off my sweat-drenched clothes, I decided hit the hot tub for a bit before heading home. I could already tell just how sore I was going to be tomorrow, and thought maybe it would help. And, maybe the heat and the jets would help me unclench, in the way that my workout had not. Plus... well, I loved the feel of the bubbles on my bare balls.

I slid in, and I think it was helping. Slowing me down. Relaxing. Bringing me back to myself. I got lost in the moment, as my mind slowly started to drift.

A sound brought me back. I looked over to see the guy I had accosted turn the corner, making his way to the hot tub. He saw me, and paused for a second....

Jesus.

I mean, Jesus. I thought he was a Greek god before, with his clothes on. Seeing him naked as the day he was born was like a revelation. A lesson in masculine form. Lots of gym rats end up with perfectly sculpted, but ultimately artificial bodies. Hyper definition, usually just for show. This guy was like the embodiment of how a man's body should look in its ideal form. Muscles, but in the way they should be, naturally. Muscles for use, not for show. He obviously plays, or played... something. He had dark hair, and like me he had a good dusting of hair across his arms, body, and crotch... not like Sasquatch, but looking like a fucking man. Seeing him in all his naked glory literally stopped my breath for a second. I mean, who was this guy...? He looked like he had just won a dozen gold medals at the Olympics. I quietly thanked God he didn't take my outburst as a challenge... the man could have crushed me like an empty beer can.

The Olympian stood there for a second, clearly wondering if it was worth it to get in naked to a hot tub, alone, with another naked guy who was quite possibly a psycho.

"Hey man!" I called out, abashedly. "Look, I'm really, really sorry about biting your head off earlier. I'm just... in a fucked-up head space right now and I lashed out stupidly. That was completely uncalled for, and... well, I'm sorry."

"Hey, no worries," the Olympian said as he casually hung his towel on one of the hooks. "We've all been there before. No harm, no foul." There was again, such a... casual, natural confidence to him. Easy masculinity. But, surprisingly, a natural warmth to him, too. "Mind if I join you?"

"Nah, be my guest. I'm Jason, by the way."

"I'm Ryan. Nice to meet you." He splashed in across from me, settled in and looked me over, gently. "I don't know you from Adam, but you definitely seem to be out of sorts. Anything a stranger can help with?"

Part of me wanted to--finally!--unload. On him, on anyone. But there was no way I could go into the specifics. I opted for a few generalities. "Oh, just the usual... you know, relationship shit."

"Ah," he nodded. "Yeah, we've really all been there before. I've navigated a few shit-storms myself. I think the worst was when I followed a girl here to start a new life together, and she dumped my sorry ass like 24 hours later. I've vented on a lot of buds before, and am happy to return the favor if you want."

I looked at him, at that sympathetic face, those hypnotic eyes... and strangely enough, I almost trusted him. Almost. Not quite. Not enough for specifics. But I realized just at that moment how much I needed to lean on someone. Anyone.

"Ugh, I don't even know where to start. I think it's the classic case of finding a great person who may or may not be the right person. Lots of complications. But the thing eating at me the most is... I may have fallen for... a friend. And since there are all the complications, I could end up torching a friendship if things go south. And that friendship is worth more than gold to me. I don't have the best record with relationships, and I'm scared I could end up fucking things up, and losing... everything."

"Hoo boy... yeah bud, I hear you. It's scary as hell to be in that position, when we know exactly what we'll lose if things don't work out. It's paralyzing. If it helps, I think that while the friendship can make it scarier than usual to make a move, in the end the best relationships are built from friendships. It's just such a stronger foundation. You know what you're getting into. You've likely seen them at their worst, and let them see you at your worst. You can 100% be yourself, and be seen for yourself. There's a greater level of trust. A deeper connection. You can be there for someone so much more." He chuckled. "But of course, I would say that... I fell for one of my friends, too. The complications I was staring down were probably way different from the ones you're up against... but in the end, everything worked out. Together 7 years, and married for 5."

"Hey man, congratulations, that's great to hear!" It really was great to hear. "Not to pry, but can I ask how you got her to make the jump with you? What was your secret weapon?"

He looked at me for the briefest of pauses, eyeing me up, but then he went on. "Well actually, it's 'him.' I told you my complications were probably different from yours."

"Oh, God... sorry, I didn't know!" I answered, embarrassed. And... let me tell you about all the complicated emotions that started ping-ponging in my head....

Ryan smiled, warmly. "Nah, not a problem. It came as a surprise to me, too--I didn't even realize I could love a guy before I met him. But I've come to believe you like a person, not a gender. Everything else is bullshit."

Holy shit. HOLY SHIT. My mind was running a mile a minute... so fast I almost forgot he was speaking. He kept going. "But to answer your question, he wooed me with a "Lord of the Rings" movie marathon. After that, I was all his!"

I barked out loud, appreciative laughter. "Must have been the extended edition, right?"

"How else to get to a guy's heart?" Ryan laughed. "No, but he really was my best friend, who ended up being there totally by accident after my ex-girlfriend dumped me. I was really in a dark place, and he... kinda saved my life. We became tight, tighter than tight. He's just... the best friend I could have asked for. The best guy I could have asked for. Always had my back, never asking for anything. Solid." He gave me an appraising look. "And from the mopey look in your eyes, I'm guessing it's the same for you and her, too... right?"

I wanted to say something, really unload, but I was too chicken shit. If nothing else, it seemed weird to 'fess up to a total stranger, when I hadn't even had the beginnings of a conversation with Matt. So, I just nodded vaguely.

"Like I said, the thought of losing that friendship was for a while too scary an obstacle for either of us to make a move, but that friendship ultimately made us that much stronger. I'm the Luckiest Guy in the World. But who knows," he said, ribbing me lightly, "maybe the you'll claim that title yourself. After you make your move... right?"

I was a raging storm of emotion, and barely knew what to say. There was a warm, gentle silence for a few minutes as he let me chew over his words. Finally, I stood up. "Yeah... yeah. Hey man, you've helped me more than I can ever say, but I need to head out. Thank you. I mean it. Thank you. You've... given me a lot to think about."

"Happy to help, bud... I know what it's like. Good luck!"

I was proud of myself for making it back to my car before I completely broke down into an ugly-crying mess.

Friday night was another round of fun with the guys at Town Hall, and I was looking forward to it. I was looking forward to drowning out the last of my doubts in a few much-needed adult beverages, and cutting loose. My buds always could lift my spirits.

It was a pretty normal night, with the crew in good form. I was sitting with a couple of buddies, shooting the shit, when a trio of girls approached our table. It looked like Maggie, Jackie, and...

"AMY??!!?" I blurted out, way too loud.

"Heya Pumpkin Man!" Amy fired back, smiling.

I... may have blushed. "Oh Jesus, you remember that...?" Everyone else was looking back and forth between us in utter surprise.

Amy was laughing, and looked around the table at all the bewildered faces. "Yes, I met Jason when he was trying--and spectacularly failing--to pull off this prank back in college. Oh... it went bad. And was reaaaaaaally messy. And stank."

Everyone joined in the laughter. One of the guys at the table immediately piped up, "Oh shit... I remember! I thought you were going to be suspended! I don't know how you talked your way out of that one!"

I tried to tamp down the laughter at my expense. "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, how the hell are you?"

The thing is, Amy and I had kinda a convoluted history. I won't lie, back in college I had a major thing for her. She was--is--smokin' hot, with a hilariously sharp sense of humor. The kind of sweet-and-sour personality that guys lapped up. The thing is, we were like "When Harry Met Sally," in that we kept having the worst timing: we were never both single at the same time. We occasionally hung out as part of a larger group for a time, but not regularly. She was one of those "what if" people in your lives. I'm pretty sure there was some chemistry, but we never had the opportunity to act. I had completely lost track of her after graduation.

She jumped into the conversation effortlessly, like we were all best of friends. Her sense of humor had lost none of its edge, and in a few minutes were all laughing uproariously. It was... a strange experience. I immediately felt all that old chemistry, immediately remembering why I used to jerk off thinking about her. But for all that, it was almost like an out of body experience. Like I was... watching things happen, rather than living them. Amy had always been a total flirt; and sure enough, she would brush my arm repeatedly while telling this or that story. At one point, telling a mortifying story, she laughingly rested her head on my shoulder. But as much as I loved the attention, my feelings were just skating on the surface. I wasn't getting the same electricity I got from....

"MATT!" I heard someone shout his name, and looked up to see the man himself standing right in front of us. In person. He was there! Looking as amazing as ever! I think my heart started glowing....

One of my buddies jumped in, "Hey man, good to see you! I thought Jason said you were out this week!"

"Yeah, that was the plan." I'm not gonna lie, I had butterflies in my stomach seeing him. Hot as fuck. My All-American. But as he talked, I started to realize there was... something in his voice.... "Plans changed, and I decided to fly back after my training was done. Looks like just in time." There was a leveled edge....

Shit. I realized Amy was still draped across my shoulder. Shit.

"Hey Matt!" I jumped in quickly. A low panic building, which I'm sure didn't help. "This is... Amy. She's an old friend. I mean, she's not... old. She's just a friend. Not old at all. Just a friend." Shit. Was I babbling?

"So it seems," Matt said, in a terrifyingly level voice.

Maggie jumped in, bubbling. "Yeah, I knew they knew each other and had some history, and that's why they'd be perfect together. I was so happy when Jason agreed to go out with her again!"

Huh??!? I weakly stammered, "... I... agreed...? ...To go out....?" What the fuck? What the everlasting fuck? Panic, which had just started to raise its head inside me, now roared across my mind in full force.

Matt had an absolutely deadly look on his face as he smoothly turned to Maggie. "Oh. Really. When did he agree to go out with her?"

Maggie looked at Amy and I with a huge smile. "Oh, it was a couple of weeks ago, but this was the first time it worked out. But I'm glad it did... aren't they cute?"

Wait, a couple of weeks ago?? What the...? How did...? My brain furiously worked overtime, trying to make sense of what was happening. My senses heightened from raw fear. Yessssssss, I remember. Maggie and Jackie did talk to me a couple weeks ago. I was so focused on Matt that I barely remember....

Oh shit. They were talking about relationships. I wasn't really paying attention. Shit. Shitshitshit. What did I say? What did I agree to?

Maggie went on, blindly unaware of the nails she was pounding into my coffin. "I just knew they'd be perfect for each other and am just so glad it's finally worked out. It's been too long since Jason had someone, and it's about time! And don't worry, Matt... you're on my list, too! It's been awful having the two of you sitting around lonely. You were the two most eligible guys around. Pretty soon, you were just both just going to be left with no one but each other, and no one wants that!"

Everyone laughed.

I turned to Matt, horrified. Terrified. Strangled words choking in my throat. Oh God. OH GOD. He kept on a mask of stoic manliness, but as I watched I could see that split second where his heart ripped in two.

And my heart shattered into a million, million pieces. No. NO. NO!!!!!

Matt hardened his face. I could see the effort it was costing him. "Well... it was a long... flight... and I should... you know... get home...." Without another word, he turned and all but bolted for the door.

NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Everyone at the table turned in confusion to watch him go. Thank God. They didn't see the raw, wild terror rip across my face. My world, my whole fucking world was ripping itself apart. Oh God. OHGODOHGODOHGOD. This couldn't happen! THIS CANNOT HAPPEN!

I shot up from the table, nearly flipping it. "Oh hey... I forgot... I have to ask Matt something... important. Give me a sec, will you...?"

I desperately grabbed my coat and ran for the door. It was frustrating as hell, because it felt like everyone suddenly wanted to talk to me. It felt like I was like running through a carnival fun house, wildly distorted, trying to move forward, terror rising up. No! NO! NONONO!

I finally blasted through the crowd and threw open the door. It was a nasty evening, snowing fairly heavily and with a sharp wind to the point that everyone was inside--even the most dedicated smokers. I scanned the parking lot, but didn't see him. NO! NONONONO! IT COULDN'T GO DOWN LIKE THIS! FUCK! FUCKFUCKFUCK!

Wait! Given how late it was, I realized that Matt would have had to have parked in the overflow parking lot further back. I sprinted. Panic driving me... THERE! I could see him! I could catch him! He had to listen to me. HE HAD TO FUCKING LISTEN!

"MATT! Hold up! Please! PLEASE! That's not what you think it was! MATT! PLEASE!"

I finally caught up to him, and grabbed wildly for his arm. Matt wrenched it away from me and turned on me with an expression that was equal parts pain and rage. What was left of my heart shattered.

"FUCK YOU ASSHOLE!"

"Matt, no PLEASE! You don't understand!" I was wild now, unhinged, desperate. No! This couldn't be happening! NOT LIKE THIS!

"Oh I think I understand perfectly! I turn around for five minutes, and you couldn't wait to grab someone new. Good job, bud! What, three whole days before you make your move?"