Montana Winter Ch. 02

"Sheesh." He threw up his hands. "Then come to the city!"

"Look," I said. "Bundle up." He put on his jacket and hat, and I put on mine. For a second I was very aware of the differences, his new, expensive-looking European-ish black coat and cap and my worn brown duster and cowboy hat.

I dragged him outside.

"You see the top of that big house over there?" I pointed. He nodded. "That's where I was born. A horrendous freak storm blew in, all white powder and horizontal hail, and my parents couldn't get to the hospital." I turned him a little, "You see there, beyond our casual kitchen, is our living room. That's where Clay and I were, late the night I was thirteen, and I found out my parents died."

I turned him again. "See there?" I pointed, you couldn't really see it from here, but I showed him the direction. "That's where our tractor rolled over." I pointed him toward the barn. "That's where I shovel shit. I've shoed horses, and put down horses. I've delivered more cows than years I am alive, including one this week."

"I get it," he said, his voice full of sadness and heartbreak. We went inside. He took off his hat, and coat. Slowly he took off his shirt. Very pointedly, he turned so he gave me his back.

"Maybe you should go," he said quietly.

"Lore," I said. But he put his hand up like he didn't want to hear it.

I turned away and stared at the doorknob. I was numb beyond thinking or feeling. I left.

I jammed my hands in my pockets. My feet were so heavy I don't know how I even made it a few steps.

Lore ran out after me.

"You know what your problem is, you little shit?" He was furious thunder. His feet were planted wide, his hands on his hips. He was magnificent heated male, with his chest heaving and his breath coming out hard. His shirtless torso looked like it was heated enough to melt the snow. "You've got all these preconceived notions. That's what. But when you strip them down, the truth is you just don't think I'm worth fighting for."

I blinked.

"You know what"—he balled his hands into fists—"that's not even true. You don't think YOU'RE worth fighting for."

My mouth hung open.

He spun on his heel. He stormed back in the cabin and slammed the door.

I stood there in the snow. Lore made me feel like a jerk. Oh, wait. Maybe I did that to myself.

I went back to the cabin and let myself in.

"Lore. It's your last night here. I don't want to fight. I want to spend it with you."

He stood with his back to me. It sounded like he was crying.

"Please, Lore. Let me stay."

He nodded.

I walked closer to him, leaving a little space between us. He sniffled, wiped his face in his hands, and straightened his shoulders.

I palmed the left side his ass. The taught, rounded curve fit perfectly in my hand. I rubbed an inch down and back over his jeans.

I moved in a little closer.

I fitted the front of my hips into his ass.

"You know what I want," I whispered.

He laughed, a sorrowful sound.

"It's been a long time for me," he said.

"Longer for me, I bet," I said.

We were silent for a second.

"Is it like riding a bike?" I asked. "Will I remember how, or will you need to write me down step-by-step instructions?"

A soft chuckle.

I unbuttoned his jeans, opened the flaps, and slipped my hands in. I rested my palms on either side of his cock, over his underwear. Not caressing, not stroking, just resting.

Lore leaned his back against my front.

"Don't shut me out, Noah."

"I won't, Lore. Not tonight."

We just stood like that for a long time, until he finally melted into me. I slid one hand across his chest, and with the other, I palmed his cock.

"I want to be inside you, Lore. I want to be inside you everywhere, as deeply as you're inside me," I said.

"You're already inside me," he said.

"You're killing me here," I said.

"You're a jerk; you deserve it."

"You're right," I said. "Punish me."

He laughed. And just like that we were okay again, at least for a little while.

"Enough of this talking," I said. "Talking's for chicks."

I yanked his pants down and forced him onto the bed. The energy between us changed, snapping to urgent.

I got his pants the rest of the way off, tore off my clothes, and pressed my body on top of his.

God, it was so new, a crazy rush. Every nerve I had was on sensory overload. My body on top of his, touching everywhere: skin on skin, soul to soul, my cock crushed between us. It was all incredible. Awe inducing. The amazing way my body fit with his. That he let me be with him like this. The power was a glorious surge that was almost out of control. I had to give up control in order not to be overcome by it.

And it was fantastic.

I started thrusting my hips up and down, just rubbing against his crack, rutting like a wild, crazy animal with no finesse whatsoever.

He pushed me off him, rubbed his hands up my thighs, and took my cock in his mouth.

Oh God.

So good.

I watched him bob up and down, as all my muscles screamed and flexed in pleasure. I put my hand on the back of his head. His hair had gotten slightly longer in the week and a half he'd been here, the texture now feeling like long brush-y stubble. Somehow the sensation of that, the millions of prickly hairs under my hand, was what threw me almost over the edge.

I pushed him off me. He landed half on his side, looking both eager and spent.

Then I grabbed a pillow, and roughly shoved Lore face down, adjusting the pillow under his hips. He probably thought I was going to do what I did the first night we were together, loving down his back and lavishing all those carefully found out sensitive spots.

But I was way, way too far gone for that.

I put a firm hand on his upper back and grazed my teeth down his lower back, heading right toward his ass.

Then I did something that I'd never done to anybody.

I spread his muscles and gently dipped my tongue in.

He cried out. His head jacked back, he writhed so hard.

I used my forearm to pin him down, and plundered him with my tongue, fucking him. Fucking him with my mouth as furiously as I could, letting all the untamed, thunderous, held back, unfair, pent-up tornadoes inside me out—pushing them inside him with my tongue.

He groaned, an almost-whimper sound.

I pushed in farther, punished him harder.

It was wet and sloppy, and slick, and beautiful. Lore was thrashing around more, and I had to use more of my weight and leverage to hold him down.

"I'm coming, Noah! I'm coming!"

"To hell you are," I growled. I pulled him up onto all fours and lined my cock up behind him.

I paused.

He was panting hard, snorting out deep breaths through his nose, trying to bring himself back from the brink. He managed, staying just this side of the infinity by what must have been a steel-gloved act of will.

I took a deep breath myself and pulled my hips out of the way. I licked my finger and carefully slid it into him.

"Oh, Noah..."

Yeah. That's definitely the best sound in the universe.

I leaned over and got the lube. I opened him up for me. I forced myself to go slowly, much, much, more slowly than the greedy, impatient, running blaze inside of me wanted to go.

And then he was ready.

And so was I.

It was hot in here. Way too hot in here.

"Lore," I said. I paused for a second; was I really going to ask this?

"Mmn?" He sounded drunk.

"You ever get tested?" He twisted around to look at me. He didn't ask me what I meant.

"Yeah. And I haven't been with anybody since."

"Do you want to...?" I trailed one finger down his spine. I've never minded condoms. "I'm just so torn up inside, now. I want to get as close to you as I can possibly get."

He nodded. "Do it."

"You sure?"

Lore smiled at me. All wolf. Trust. Radiance. "Never been so sure of anything in my life."

Fuck.

As if my cock could get any harder.

I lubed my cock up with one hand and grabbed a death grip—like it would stop him from ever going away—onto Lore's hip with the other.

There was no way I was letting him up, and he knew it. But I leaned over so I was closer to his ear. "Yeah? What's your choice of music now, lover boy?"

"Welcome to the Jungle," he said, and I pressed the tip of my cock into him.

I pushed in as he pushed back. I wasn't gentle. I wanted to go slow that first slide in, and I did, knowing that it had been a while, but once I was in, that was it.

I grabbed his shoulder and his hips and pounded into him with a fierce beating I didn't know I had in me.

At one point I had to drag him back a foot because his head was banging into the headboard.

I stared at my cock going in and out of him. I was overwhelmed by my emotions for a minute: sadness at the loss barreling toward me, anger that Lore didn't live here, rage, that this should feel so good and I might never have it again, and expanding, powerful victory that I was dominating him, ramming myself inside him.

But I put that away, with a force of will, like it was an overflowing clothing drawer. I jammed everything back inside; I tucked all those emotions back. This was insane, full octane, arousal and sex at its best. I wasn't going to let anything that wasn't pure lust, wholesome love, and tender fucking get in the way of it.

The grunting noises Lore was making were incredible.

I bent over him and said in the softest voice I could muster between gasping pants, "Lorenzo."

And he came.

But I didn't let that slow me down.

If anything, I started pumping into him harder.

His skin was shining; the beads of sweat popping out on his back and glistening in the moonlight reflected in through the window.

The sound of my hips slapping against his ass seemed incredibly loud. I bared my teeth, my lips pulled back as I clamped my jaw hard in an effort not to come.

If this was the last time, it was going to last all fucking night, damn it.

My blood heated to boiling as something else broke loose inside me. I must be leaving marks on him; my grip was so tight. A buzz started in my ears. That might be because my heartbeat pounded so hard it affected my hearing, maybe.

I threw my head back and roared. One long, loud, unintelligible snarling howl.

I hit some weird alternative universe; a place where only the edgy, sparkly, tingling of every cell of your soul on fire lets you know you exist.

Then I was looking at my own death.

And only flashes of my time with Lore flickered before me:

Lore holding me in the shower with laughter in his voice, "Aw baby, too much?"

Lore in front of me on Sea-Jack.

Lore against the tree in the magic circle.

Lore in the barn after I delivered the calf.

Lore holding my hand in church.

Lore staring down at me from the missionary position.

Lore singing Nora Jones in my ear; Lore in the diner signing his autograph; Lore looking at the cave paintings.

At the ballet. In the snow with no shirt on.

Lore, Lore, Lore, Lore, Lore.

Tears streamed down my face, my back arched, my toes curled up and disintegrated, the fire was so great.

A galaxy exploded. A blood vessel popped, and I died.

I collapsed on top of Lore, still breathing.

"What the hell was that?" Lore asked.

I was panting too hard to answer, but I think I knew what he meant. If aliens had landed, if a volcano shot up in the middle of nowhere overnight and erupted, if the sky was suddenly a different color, it wouldn't be more shocking or earth shattering than that.

I blinked and blinked. But I recovered quickly. I gave Lore a light smack on the ass.

"That's, 'You've been served' Noah style."

"Daaaaammmmmnnnn," Lore said.

I rolled my on my side and stared at him. He was glowing.

"That's a mighty fine going away present."

I was probably glowing a little myself. I could feel my smile. It was huge.

"No problem. You're welcome."

*

Wah-oo-pah-ii-en-er, Lah-la-ah-en-er ...

Then it was Monday, and it was time for them to go. For a second it was like I was seeing it as if it were on a movie screen, and it wasn't really happening. Johnny was shaking Clay's hand.

Then Johnny was on the driver's side of the rented Taurus, and Lore on the passenger side, and Clay and I on the porch. It was so reminiscent of the first time I saw them, a million, trillion eons ago.

For a second we all just stared at each other.

Josh came flying out of the house. He launched himself off the porch, and into Johnny's arms.

His voice was a high, plaintive wail. "Don't go! Please don't go. Stay."

I watched Johnny crouch down to Josh's level. "I can't, little dude. But don't worry. We'll be back."

I slowly walked down off the porch. Lore opened his arms and I stepped into a hug. I was quiet, my mouth to his ear. I pitched my voice high, like Josh's. "Don't go! Please don't go. Stay."

He chuckled softly, but it was the saddest sound I'd ever heard. "Don't worry," he said. I noticed he didn't add the 'be back' part.

Clay pried Josh off Johnny.

I pried myself off Lore.

Clay and I tipped our hats, and then they were gone.

"Uncle Noah, you look funny."

"Allergies. Come on, short stack. Cows have got to be milked," I said. Although there were no chores I could think of that needed to be done at that moment. Of course, I couldn't think much at all.

Tuesday was the first night I slept in my room in what seemed like forever. The first morning I woke up alone. A noisy gale woke me; its rush sounded like a pained howl. A mourning song.

They say there are more suicides at Christmas time than any other time of the year. I've never, ever understood that.

Oh.

Well, maybe now I did.

I never thought my heart would break like this again... not after my parents. Not after Kevin. Not after trying to protect myself and do it differently this time. What was the whole point of putting all those walls around my heart if I was just going to feel like I had jumped into a wood chipper and pressed start?

As the week wore on, it became harder and harder to drag myself around, to do even the most basic of necessities. It was as if my body was made of concrete, and it was hardening, cracking.

Friday I missed dinner. I stared at the stove, looking at it like it was some strange new-fangled contraption I couldn't possibly figure out how to work.

I was humming that song again, when suddenly my subconscious offered up one complete phrase of it. "Or am I origami," I said.

"Well, that's telling," Clay said from behind me.

"What is?" I asked, turning around to look at him.

"That song."

"You know the song? You recognize it?"

"You don't? You're the one singing it."

"Nah. It's been stuck in my head for days and days. I can't remember ever hearing it before."

"It's 'Inside Out' by Eve 6. As in my heart is torn inside out. It was popular when we were little, and I played it a lot after our parents died."

That's probably why I couldn't place it. I sort of blocked it out.

Clay walked closer to me. "So you get how telling it is, right?"

I shook my head. "I really don't remember it. That origami line, those are the first words I've been able to remember. It's a cool line, but it doesn't make sense."

"It's about how you try and fold yourself inward," Clay said.

Huh.

"You remember the chorus? The main line. The hook?"

I shook my head.

He came over to me and placed his forefinger to my chest. He said the words very slowly while pressing his finger on my heart, "I want to put my tender"—he looked at me—"heart in a blender."

Oh. Ow.

Then he said it in the rhythm of the song. "I want to put my tender, heart in a blender."

Ow. Ow.

"Watch it spin around to a beautiful oblivion."

Oblivion. Not Vivian. Yeah. Oblivion would be nice.

"You remember the next line?"

"No."

"Rendezvous, and I'm through with you."

Ouch.

"That the kind of guy you are Noah? Rendezvous, and I'm through with you?"

I looked away.

"Because if you are, hey, you're my brother, and that's fine. I'll love you however you are. But if you're the love 'em and leave 'em type, why are you dragging around the house like somebody died?"

"You don't understand."

"Don't I?"

I shook my head.

"You love him. Go get him."

"What? What?"

"You. Love. Him."

"I can't love him. I only knew him for a week and a half. You can't love somebody after just a week and a half."

He gave me the look he reserved for when I do something particularly, exceptionally stupid.

"Yeah," he said, the sarcasm heavier than our entire herd. "Of course, you're right. Sure."

"You knew Sherry forever before you fell for her."

"No," he said slowly drawing the word out. "I laid eyes on her one day and instantly fell in love with her. I was waiting until you were a grown up before I pursued dating her."

I blinked. Okay. Whoa.

"He's a great guy," Clay said, bringing me back to the present. "Where are you going to find someone else like that?"

I blinked again. Was my brother telling me to go after Lore?

Clay clasped the back of my neck and used it to bring our foreheads together. "Noah," he said. "After our parents died, and it was just us for so long..." He paused there. "Knowing you needed me was the main thing that kept me going. I was part father as well as brother. There's no way a brother could love another brother more than I love you. So I mean this with all love when I say this. It's time to leave the nest. And if you don't, I'm gonna kick your ass the fuck out."

I laughed, one sharp bark.

"Seriously Noah, I hear Chicago is beautiful this time of year."

"I'll think about it."

"Yeah. Good. Pack a suitcase and book a flight while you think. I'll drive you to the airport in the morning."

Clay let go of my neck and gave me a fierce hug.

"Clay?"

"Yeah."

"That song. Why'd you play it over and over again after our parents died?"

"Because of the one line. I swallowed my doubt, won't let it turn me inside out."

I looked at him. "In all your life, you have never mentioned doubt."

"Are you kidding? I was raising a thirteen-year-old. I didn't know what the hell I was doing."

"You always talked about gratitude."

"What I should have talked about was faith."

*

I spent a lot of time that night mulling over what Clay said. He was right of course. I was the one who shut Lore out, not the other way around. If I was miserable, then it was my own fault. If I was miserable, then I could hardly be doing the right thing, could I? There's enough misery in this world without creating some when you could do something about it.

I'd never spent more than a day or two off the ranch. I'd never been to a city bigger than Billings. I'd never lived without animals more than a hand's breadth away, creating all sorts of problems, and giving me all sorts of joy.

I couldn't imagine it. It wasn't just like I lived in Montana. I was Montana.

But I pictured Lore's face. I pictured his back, and arms, and cock. I heard his voice. I'd lived without him for a week and that had been a real picnic. Did I really want to do that for the rest of my life? See him in tiny corners I could squeeze in between gathering eggs and teaching riding lessons?

In the end I waited another week. Not so much because I was undecided, but because I wanted to give him a chance to get back from Florida and have a moment to get settled.

I packed a whole bunch of clothes into an army duffle bag and was ready to go. I took my cowboy hat and placed it on the kitchen table. I should leave it. I didn't need it where I was going.

Clay saw me fingering my old hat and instantly got what was going on.

"You kiddin' me?" he asked.

He picked it up and slammed it on my head.

Josh zoomed into the room. "Does this mean Johnny is going to be my...uncle-in-law?"

"Josh!" Sherry said sharply from behind him.