No Apologies

I had a conversation with my mother recently that I would like to vent to you about. It was on a Sunday afternoon, and she had just gotten home from work. As we were talking, right out of the blue she asks me if I owned any books on the occult. Not liking where this conversation was going, I asked her cautiously why she wanted to know. Before she could answer me, I asked her if she wanted to read a book on the occult. She snapped back at me that no, she had no interest whatsoever in reading a book on the occult. I told her that the only occult-type books I owned were my Stephen King books. (I did tell her that I had one or two books on serial killers, which elicited a rather harsh look from her.) Hesitantly, I asked her why she wanted to know if I had any books on the occult, and she went on to tell me about the pastor's sermon earlier that morning about this teenaged boy he'd supposedly exorcised who was supposed to be possessed by demons. Apparently my mother drew a comparison between me and this boy when the pastor mentioned that that boy, like me, was into PORN.

You know where this is going, don't you?

As my mother was telling me about her pastor's sermon, it dawned on me that she was actually implying that I, her one and only son, may likewise be into the occult and/or demon-possessed all because, like that teenaged boy the pastor spoke of, I was into PORN. Now, to be fair, she didn't come right out and accuse me of these things, but the implication was most definitely there nonetheless. You see, unlike others, I don't try to hide my porn habit, not even from my own mother. As a matter of fact, I've written a few porn novels that I've managed to get published, one of which my mother even read (one, for the record, she practically begged me to let her read when I adamantly told her I didn't want her to read it for what I feel are obvious reasons!). My mother never let on that she had a problem with my viewing--or writing--pornography. In fact, she used to just make jokes about it and laugh it off. It wasn't until Pastor Jim Bob--that's, of course, not his real name!--told his little tale of the teenage demon-possessed Satanist who just happened to be into porn that she told me how "evil" she thought porn truly was.

That got me to thinking. Under her own criteria, that must mean that the Bible--at least certain parts of it--must also be "evil" since there are numerous parts of the Bible that would likewise be considered pornographic if there were published in, say, Hustler magazine. For instance, I know my mother--and let's not forget her pastor!--would have a major problem with me having written incest stories for this Website (which is one thing I have no intention of ever telling her about). However, in the Bible in the book of Genesis, which is the opening book of the Old Testament, there is a lurid incestuous tale about a man named Lot who goes up to the mountains with his two daughters who, after deciding there's not enough men around to do the deed, get their father drunk and have sex with him so they can become pregnant by their own father (and Lot and his daughters, according to the story, suffer no reprisals or retribution from God for committing this supposed sin). Then there's this little gem from the book of Proverbs: "For a whore is a deep ditch, and a strange woman is a narrow pit." And here's my own personal favorite from the erotically-charged Son of Solomon (which reads about like Penthouse Forum!): "I sat down under his shadow with great delight, and his fruit was sweet to my taste." Hmmm, I wonder what in the world THAT could mean! Even the more, shall we say, wholesome Biblical stories that we get taught in Sunday School actually have a torrid twist to them; like, for instance, the story of Noah's Ark where, towards the end of the story (the part we DON'T get taught in Sunday School!), Noah ends up getting shit-faced drunk and passes out naked and his own son comes in and watches his own father sleeping naked and then he goes and brags to his brothers about seeing their dear old dad stark-ass naked.

I could, of course, go on, but you get the general idea.

My point is the Bible is filled with these kind of of kinky--and, in some cases, downright perverse--stories involving sex, incest, sadomasochism, voyeurism, slavery, rape and other forms of sexual violence against women. And, yet, I know it would be a cold day in Hell before my mother would say that the Bible was in any way pornographic or evil. What I think infuriated me the most about our conversation was that she never asked me forthright if I was involved in the occult and only made an assumption based mostly on what her pastor said. Being in my mid-thirties and no longer a teenager like that other boy, it's none of her damn business if I'm in the occult. But, if she would have asked, I would've went ahead and told her that she didn't have to worry, that, aside from porn (wink! wink!), I have absolutely no ties to the occult whatsoever (not that I feel she would have believed me, however).

Another thing that royally pissed me off about what she said--or didn't say--to me was that, when I was a teenager, I had countless discussion with her about the kids--and even the teachers--at my school making accusations and spreading rumors about me that I was--you guessed it!--a Satanist merely because I listened to heavy metal and wore black clothes and she'd tell me how "wrong" that was for them to make those kind of snap judgments against me. But here she is years later making similar judgments about her own son--which, as a Christian, she shouldn't be doing in the first place to me or anyone else--and for what? Because I like to look at girlie magazines and write about people fucking? And it's not just my mother who's made these type of judgments against me. A former friend of mine, who likewise claimed to be Christian, always denounced me as a "non-believer" because of my, shall we say, interest in porn. However, the last time he came to my house he wanted me to--get this!--help him direct PORN movies! Another guy I know who also insisted to be Christian--and, of course, who's also made judgments against me-- is also into S&M and even admitted to me to starting his very own S&M club in the area where he lives! And I would bet some serious money, based on my rather bitter personal experiences in the so-called Christian church, that at least 80-90% of the blessed congregation at my mother's church--and that includes Pastor Jim Bob!--are into things far more freakier than anything I've ever been into!

The bottom line is, I make absolutely no apologies to anyone for liking porn, writing porn and beating off to porn, and that includes my own mother. I fault no one for their beliefs, religious or otherwise, but I would greatly appreciate it if other people, including (and especially) my mother, would exhibit more respect for MY right to believe--and do--whatever the hell I want. Besides, Jesus washed the feet of prostitutes, for crying out loud! Does that make Him "evil" too? As for that teenaged boy my mother's pastor spoke of and whether or not he was actually possessed by demons, I'm not so worried about the demons you can't see but rather I'm more concerned about the demons you CAN see. And some of them have a Christian face.