Olympics

"SHUT UP," Suzy forced me into the car. "I am sorry, okay. But you seemed willing to. And I needed the fucking money, all right. You think I like doing this. And as for the cameras, they are from fucking Japan. Who will ever see the pictures?"

I stopped screaming and returned to weeping. Suzy drove me back to her place that night, were I lay on the couch crying until I fell asleep. In my dreams I saw faces and cameras. In another dream I walked into the computer lab at school and on every screen I saw a picture of my face, buried in a woman's crotch. When I awoke at first I thought it was all a bad dream, but the smells on my face and hands told me it was not. Smells of sex and of vomit. My head pounded as I ran to the bathroom, trying in vain to purge the horror of my dreams but instead only dry heaving until my stomach and ribs ached.

I didn't even wait for Suzy to get up, but rather went outside, planning to catch a bus home. I waited for 10 minutes at the bus stop before Suzy drove up. She told me to get in and drove me home. We didn't talk. She handed me an envelope as I was getting out.

"There is a lot of money in there," Suzy said. I could hear the pain and guilt in her voice. I threw the envelope at her and walked away. I wanted nothing to do with that money.

Luckily for me my roommates had all gone home for the weekend. I left a trail of clothing from the door to the bathroom. I showered, first ice cold, shivering as I wept, and when I couldn't take it any more, water that was so hot it was nearly scalding. I scrubbed my skin until it was raw, nearly bleeding. After the hot water finally ran out I finally climbed from the shower and walked, dripping wet and collapsed in my bed. I would leave the bed only to piss, vomit and to shower 5 more times that day.

I didn't sleep, because every time I closed my eyes I saw the faces and cameras. The next day I finally climbed out of bed and picked up my clothes. My roommates would be coming home and I needed to get them washed. An envelope lay in the middle of the room. It was a few feet from the door that it had been slid under. I picked it up. It was thick and heavy. I carried it into my room and put it deep into one of my drawers. I took another shower. I returned to bed. I showered another 3 times before the first of my roommates got back that afternoon.

I stayed in bed for most of the next two days, alternating between feelings of rage, disgust and shame. I finally made a class on Wednesday and first ate something on Thursday, always returning to bed, to my sanctuary. I had lost nearly 15 pounds. My roommates were ready to call my parents, but I just kept telling them that I was sick, food poisoning I said, nothing more. I only wept when I knew no one could hear.

Suzy called several times, and Friday I finally agreed to take her call. I had been telling my roommates that she was the friend I had been out to eat with when I got sick. Suzy tried to talk me into seeing her. I refused.

Weeks passed before I could live with myself. Weeks more passed before I could finally admit to myself that I had to see Suzy. Before I did I finally took out the envelope. It held $2780 in various dominations. I put it away, unsure what to do with it.

Suzy brought along William and I found myself drawn to him. He was such a cute little boy. She had won her case. Her ex had arrived drunk and his own lawyer had walked out of the proceedings and the judge had not only thrown his complaint out but also had jailed him for one week for contempt of court and he had been told not to show up in court again on any kind of child custody or support issue. Suzy said over and over how sorry she was. I told her it wasn't her fault, well not entirely. I had finally come to terms with what happened and realized I had to get on with my life. A month later we saw each other again, at the Moon. William was over his grandmother's for the night. I went home with her and we made love the way we should have the first time.