Polysexuality Ch. 03

Another approach might be to educate your parishioners. Study the chapters in this book on polysexuality in the Bible. Educate people, in your sermons, about how the various cultures in different times in the Bible influenced what was written and what was seen as right and wrong. Help people understand that the position that "God said it, I believe it, and that's all there is to it" is naïve and not a sound approach to interpreting the Bible (though it may make it easier to make decisions). Even if you can only do this for a year or two before you get fired, you may do a lot of good. You may even get enough people on your side that after you are fired, you'll be able to start a new church and keep pastoring.

Meanwhile, do please avoid thinking in a sexual way about your secretary or any of your parishioners. Limit yourself strictly to women you already know are interested in that sort of activity, and I do not mean church members who have a crush on you. If you do start practicing your polysexuality, you'd do well to practice it far from home, and don't put a face shot on a web site. I do know several pastors who are practicing polysexuals. Some find swing clubs safer and more congenial than public meetings.

Q: My husband is an introvert. He does okay with other people for a few hours at a time, but it's trying for him. I'm an extrovert. I don't have to be with other people all the time, but I do enjoy being with other people. I'm a professional woman, and I have many acquaintances. I go out to lunch once or twice a week with another man or woman. This isn't a sexual thing, and I don't talk about sex with the men, though sometimes the women and I share secrets, of course. I've felt myself wondering at times, though, what it would be like to have something more physical with someone. Am I a polysexual? Would I do better to stop having lunch with these people?

A: Enjoying being with other people doesn't mean you are a polysexual. If you are, you don't seem to be thinking about it very much. You may be in a sense "cheating" on your husband by giving intellectual companionship to others. However, I assume you are already giving him as much of that as he wants. If your friendship with others meant he didn't get enough companionship from you, there would be a problem. This is sort of like giving tomatoes from your garden to the neighbors because your family already has all the tomatoes they can eat. I assume that your husband knows you are going out to lunch with other people but isn't threatened by it.

You are fantasizing a little about sharing sex as well as lunch. This may mean that you do have a polysexual orientation, even though it may be undeveloped. I assume you and your husband already have a healthy sex life, so sex with someone else would not be monosexual.

If you decide to go farther with this, see if you can find a way to find out if your husband might also be polysexual. Many introverts are thoroughly polysexual. Having sex with multiple partners can be less threatening to introverts than having "love affairs" that demand a lot of emotional entanglement. When love has nothing to do with the extra-marital sex (I'm distinguishing between love and affection), it needn't jeopardize the marriage so long as the partners correctly understand the nature of ideal marriage.

Q: I met a woman on an airplane. We started talking and ended up playing around a little. Then we ended up sharing a hotel room for the night. It was the most exciting thing I've experienced in years. I'd love to see her again, but I don't know when I might be able to. Meanwhile, I'm fantasizing now about meeting other women. I wouldn't want my wife to find out, but I don't feel guilty. Would you call me a polysexual?

A: Yes, I think you qualify as a polysexual who is just waking up to his orientation.

Q: I'm happily married. Meanwhile, a couple years ago I started a happy relationship with a woman I dated fifteen years ago, before I got married. She was divorced and hadn't had sex with anyone for a number of years. However, she had about a dozen sex partners before she got married, and she had a couple long-term affairs while she was married. We e-mailed each other nearly every day and developed a great friendship. We were also able to get together several times for several days of hot sex. I never told her I was having sex with just my wife and her, and she knew I was a member of AdultFriendFinder. However, I met a woman on AFF who lives nearby, and we started meeting now and then. When I told my old girlfriend, she exploded, calling me a "dishonest cheater." Given that I had been "cheating" with her for a couple years, I couldn't figure out why she was so upset. I finally stopped writing to her, as I didn't want the grief she was giving me. What's going on?

A: It seems likely that you are a polysexual, but she is not, or at least she's not entirely comfortable with it. She had sex with you because you reminded her of the good old days. She was surviving alone without sex, but you awakened her. However, as a polysexual, you assumed that she'd be going out with other men beside you. Instead, she was seeing you the way a monosexual sees a man. She knew you were also having sex with your wife, but she still somehow saw herself as something more than as friend and sex partner.

There's an alternate explanation as well. Certainly her sexual activity in her youth, combined with later affairs, suggests that she might be a polysexual. It may be that during her sexual dormancy she repressed her sexuality so much that the polysexual urges didn't reawaken when she met you. It could also be that what started as a polysexual escapade for her became much more serious because you offered her a level of intimate friendship she hadn't experienced in years. In other words, you made her fall in love with you. Then, instead of seeing things as a full polysexual would, she began seeing you through the eyes of new love, which can be pretty jealous.

Polysexuality is at its best when everyone involved can be honest about it. When partners have to tiptoe around to avoid being caught, it can sometimes seem sordid. However, it's not fun to hurt people's feelings, either.