Porn Reviews

I was surprised to see that no one here reviews adult films, so I thought I would take the plunge. I'm a long time fan of the industry and will be posting not only movie reviews, but reviews of other forms of adult entertainment as well. I hope you find the reviews useful and informative.

In this installment, three films on DVD.

1. "Photoplay" (from Vivid), starring: Jenna Jameson, Anna Malle, Hank Armstrong, Alex Sanders, Dallas, Ashlyn Gere, Tom Byron, Bobby Vitale, and Felicia.

Someone at Adult Video News gave this a fairly high rating. I figure that person must be the biggest blind and deaf Jenna Jameson fan in the entire world, because this movie is awful. The first thing I noticed was that the sound quality is terrible. I had to crank the volume and still couldn't understand most of Jenna's lines. The "plot" revolves around Jenna's photography business. Her partner, Anna "big time swinger" Malle, steals all of Jenna's money and negatives of a recent modeling shoot. Jenna must scramble to find a model, and does so thanks to nearly backing over Felicia with her S.U.V.

The first scene has Jenna masturbating in her bedroom while Anna and Hank Armstrong are going at it on the photo studio floor. Jenna eventually gets around to having a turn with a pink dildo, but even that can't save this scene. The second scene is a by-the-numbers coupling of Alex Sanders and Dallas. The third is a travesty. Tom Byron, Ashlyn Gere, and Jenna have a three-way in the studio. What could be a blistering scene lacks any fire whatsoever. I would've preferred Tom staying out of it and Ashlyn giving Jenna a jolly good rogering, but no luck. The last scene is a three-way between Bobby Vitale, Jenna, and Felicia (who conveniently doesn't wear a bra or panties on the day of her photo shoot). It's another yawner.

Leave this movie on the shelf. The DVD bonus features include: bloopers (including Tom Byron falling in a bathtub while going for his cumshot, and Tracye Adams and Julianne James falling out of a chair in one of the "Army Brat" films), a bit of interactive stuff with Kobe Tai, a strap-on scene involving Nikki Tyler that is far too short, and a scene with Tami Ann and Jonathan Morgan while a brunette mostly stands around watching and saying, "Look at that!"

2. "The Asian Chow Down" (from Vivid), starring: Asia Carerra, Tricia Yen, Kitty Yung, Melinie Brooks, Nick East, Marc Wallace, Colt Steele, and Tony Tedeschi.

I bought this film because it has four hot Asian women in it. The story takes place in a Chinese restaurant owned by a guy named, naturally, Hung Lo, who comes back after closing to find his four daughters (from four different wives) having an orgy with each other! He banishes them, but later learns that they were all fathered by men other than himself! Everyone who works at his restaurant and even the tofu salesman have banged all of Hung Lo's wives.

The first scene, the lesbian orgy, is sadly interrupted by the arrival of Hung Lo. The second is Nick East and Asia Carerra in the kitchen. These two have had hot scenes before, but this is not one of them. It's very run-of-the-mill, and I couldn't help but notice the sign in the kitchen which reads, "Chopped liver sandwich $4.25" (which are widely available in most Chinese restaurants). Up next are Tricia Yen and Marc Wallace, who bangs her during Hung Lo's second wedding reception. It ends with a slow-motion facial that goes on for too long. The following scene is the worst. Colt "the Zombie" Steele humps Kitty Yung in the bathroom. Steele is absolutely lifeless in this scene, despite having an Asian cutie all over him. Finally, the film wraps up with a pairing of Tony Tedeschi and Melinie Brooks (related to Mel?). They have a fun 69 in a chair, but that's the only highlight.

This is another one to leave on the shelf. The bonus materials include: a good strap-on scene involving three women on a pool table (although one of them sounds like Jerry Lewis going bananas while she's cumming), a hot scene between Racquel Darrian and Tiffany Million, and Tami Ann getting banged with a strap-on that magically appears in the jail cell she's being held in for a short time.

3. "Femme" (from Vivid Raw), starring: Randi Rage, Felicia, Katie Gold, Monti, Terri Star, Yvonne, Montana Gunn, Inari, Candy Hill, Charlie, and Shelbee Myne.

When you throw in the whol second disc of bonus stuff, you have eight hours of porn. This all-girl film is great. There's no plot, just five good sex scenes. The first scene is called "Pony". It has Felicia in a rider's helmet dominating Randi Rage (who is dressed up in a fetish pony outfit, complete with tail, bridle, and saddle) and Katie Gold (who has on a leash and collar). This scene, like all in this film, has great sex toy play. Katie and Randi share a double-ended dildo, and Katie soon takes a rippled ass dildo all to herself. The next scene is called "Tub". Monti and Terri Star enjoy each other in a tub of massage oil. Yummy! Terri takes one end of a double dildo into her mouth, fucks Terri with it, and they both enjoy some double doggie style action. "Pets" is next, and has Montana Gunn and Felicia painted up like wild cats and obeying Yvonne's commands. This scene has some great face humping, a vibrator for Felicia, a dildo and butt plug for Montana, and a big black dildo for Yvonne. "Dream" involves Candy Hill dreaming about Inari and Monti fucking her. I've had that dream myself, but it was never this good. The scene mostly is Inari and Candy. Monti mainly watches and fucks herself with a pink dildo (although she does ass fuck Inari with a vibrator while Candy is absolutely humping Inari with a double dildo). Candy straps one on to ride Inari (complete with hair pulling), who later takes a rippled dildo in the ass. Finally, we have "Dark". Charlie and Shelbee Myne make out for a little bit, but soon get down to sharing a big double dildo. The scene ends with them sucking on both ends.

Rent this movie! The bonus disc includes: profiles of many Vivid girls, some short multi-angle scenes, a mix and match game, and a collection of short scene from award-winning films.

Next time, two films and the performance of a well-known exotic dancer.