Sanctuary

It is late, and finally I am in that brief peaceful time between when the children are in bed and I go to bed. Although I am engaged in chat with several people right now, including you, I get up and head to the bathroom, saying nothing polite to anyone because I cannot be bothered to take the time. I remove my shirt and stare at myself in the mirror, and the reminders of you left on my body.

Above my right breast are several small pink marks left by your nails tearing across my skin. My shoulders are covered with fiery red marks. Not your standard high school hickeys but actual hard bite marks purple in a few places but mostly that screaming, crying red; the kind that lets you know it really hurt. There are other bruises on my shoulders as well, but they aren't really yours, are they?

It is surprising to me that I am so fascinated by these marks. So entranced by them. I am cataloguing them and memorizing them not certain of their meaning but knowing that I carried away the more concrete reminder of our time together. You get only the memory; I get the marks, which I can look at any time. That is my special possession, but you know I am not possessive; you have only to ask to see them.

I could never stand it when lovers left their emblem on my skin. I am tired of the word "mark" so I pause here and look for an alternative; my Thesaurus says thus " a device pointing distinctly to origin of ownership" and think that perhaps the word "mark" is a good one after all. I think I will use the word over and over again after all, but you know why don't you?

I now finally allow my mind to slip back to the morning and afternoon activities. We explored pain together, and made a show of it, in my large sumptuous bed made for sensual activities, but there are few who could understand our kind of sensuality.

It was softer in the morning, your nails raking lightly across my skin, your hands in my hair, pulling...just a little, not like him, he likes more control. And then the bite, we love the bite; it is the most direct expression of who we are.

Then the afternoon. This is clearer in my mind. This is a more serious voyage of discovery. You start so gently with the hairbrush in my hair. I revel in the feel of the pulling on my scalp. I love the way you love my hair. I have always hated it, but you could almost make me love it too.

It is now that your nails begin to dig and scratch and you tell me you will sharpen them and bring the blood that way. And I cannot help but imagine how they will tear and wonder how that will compare to the blade. It was the blade that took us here, and necessity. The blade which is not the sharpest blade you can buy, it too tears and rips. We started with the blade because we had, we had no choice, we would never have gotten here any other way, but Fate must have known that.

You made sure I knew I was safe, you made me comfortable, and you let me float in sensation. And he watched, not sure what to think, what to want, afraid that the realization of his darkest fantasies was possible in the here and now, and it is. And our love for each other which also grows into our love for him has found a new expression and I don't want to think anymore.

The nails dig into the bruises he left. This is my request. I cannot believe it can feel this good to hurt this much. And still I want more, he wants more, we want more, but you want to play and wonderfully you do, making us wait, keeping us on edge. You tease him and me by playing where he would lay claim. And I can feel his need growing but we both know you are not ready and until you are ready until you have made us both hurt, there will be no satisfaction.

When the bite finally comes it is almost too much. I am on the edge of too much and not enough and you take more from me with the bite than the creamy whiteness of my skin. And finally now he can take too. So I lay in your arms and we let him take what he needs because he could not get enough from the bite, and though I am not touched, I feel the ecstasy of need and fulfillment I bring you both, and I know finally I am almost home.