Shane and Carmen: The Novelization Ch. 28

"No. What ka-boom means is that I don't know what it means. Does that make any sense? It means that everything ... ."

"Comes apart."

"Yes!"

"It's completely disruptive of everything Shane McCutcheon stands for, and has always been. The free spirit, the butterfly, flitting from flower to flower, spreading her pollen, having endless one-night stands. Never getting emotionally involved, never falling in love, never letting anyone close enough to fall in love with you. And then all the downsides and the bad statistics. The fights, the divorces, the custody battles. You might have some friends who went through all that bad stuff. Isn't that the picture?"

"Until Carmen came along, yes."

"And she changed your view of things. Of relationships."

"She sure as hell tried. And I sure as hell tried to fuck it up. You have no idea how hard I tried to screw it up. One dumb, shitty, stupid thing after another."

"But she stuck it out?"

"She's smarter than me. A hundred times smarter. And she's patient, and she knows what she wants. Every time I did something stupid, she figured it out, sooner or later, and just waited me out. At first, I just treated her awful, and she figured that out even when I didn't, that it was my way of keeping her away. Out of my heart, I guess you could say. And even then I pushed her away again, I even pushed her into a relationship with my housemate Jenny. They were even sleeping together, if you can believe it, right there in the bedroom next to mine, for a couple of months, although they weren't in love with each other. They were just, like, fuck buddies, and it was Carmen's way of staying close to me. And here's the funny thing: Carmen was sleeping with Jenny because I made them, and it ate me alive, it tore me apart. I was jealous, I was crazy, it ate my heart out, I could hardly watch it even though I was the one made it happen. I mean, that's just so twisted, you know? But I did it, that's how fucked up she made me. I pushed her away harder than I ever had to push anybody else, by far, and of course that was because she was a bigger threat than anybody else ever was, by far. I thought love would kill me, and man, she was fucking Jack the Ripper, you know? Jack the Ripper and the Grim Reaper, both of them knocking on my door. All the walls I put up, Carmen just slowly and patiently climbed over them or around them or dug tunnels under them. And of course I blamed her, too, which is even more fucked up and unfair. This was all her fault, it had to be, because I was in denial about who the fucked up one had to be, and it wasn't her. And then, finally, we went on this cruise, and by that time I was just like this sick, screwed-up, tormented, lovesick teenager."

"Wow. Okay, what changed it?"

"You know who Phoebe Sparkle is? The sex writer?"

"Sure. I've read her books, every shrink has. What's she got to do with this?"

"Phoebe was on the cruise, she was their celebrity lecturer, and I met her. I even slept in her room for five nights, and I swear to God, Carol, no one would believe this in a thousand years, but I never fucked her. I never laid a hand on her, or her on me. She slept alone, in her bed, and I slept all alone on the couch, and swear to God, we couldn't have been happier about it. Oh, she made me promise to never tell that to anyone, so you have to keep it secret—"

Carol laughed. "Patient confidentiality covers it, don't worry about it."

"Phoebe said it would ruin her reputation, mine too, if people didn't think we fucked liked maniacs all night long. So everyone thinks I had this mad fling with Phoebe, and I let them think it, one more celebrity notch in my gunbelt, you know? Anyway, one morning we had this long talk, and she said what I should do was ask Carmen out on a date. And I'm like, are you fucking out of your mind, lady? But you know, she was exactly right, and that's what I did. Me. You could put it in Ripley's Believe It or Not right there on the corner of Hollywood Boulevard and Highland Avenue. The very first time I ever asked a woman out on a date. We went to a Gloria Steinem lecture. I opened the car door for her. We were like two sixteen-year-old virgins on their first date. It was, like, we threw out our entire history, especially mine, and started over from scratch."

"Pretty amazing. The word we shrinks would use is 'transformative.'"

"Transformative, huh? Okay, whatever."

"What did all your friends think?"

"Oh, they're all like, ho-hum, so what else is new. They all knew this was gonna happen. Jenny, she knew right from Day One that Carmen was in love with me, and not her, and it didn't even seem to bother her, although that's a long story in itself. But, yeah, she always knew we were meant for each other. Alice knew. Tina and Bette, they're our next door neighbors, and they're split up, it's a real mess, the kind I worry about for myself. Anyway, they knew. Dana knew. She's like, what took ya so long? Kit knew. She's Bette's sister and manger of the place we hang out. She was a big fan of Carmen's right from the start, personally and professionally. She thinks the world of Carmen, she hired her to be the permanent house DJ, and business is incredible the nights Carmen is there Djing.

"What does everybody think about the wedding?"

"Oh. Yeah. That's harder to say. I think they all have mixed feelings about it, and they don't want to talk about it, at least when I'm around. I'm sure they talk about it like crazy when I'm not there."

"What do you think they say?"

"Well, like I say, they have mixed feelings. On the one hand, they all love me and Carmen, both, and think we're great together and all. And I guess everyone wants us to be happy and stuff. But I think ... this is kinda hard to say ... I think they worry about me being happily married, and faithful, and all. I don't exactly have a real good track record, to put it mildly. Hell, I suspect a few of them don't even think I'll make it to the alter."

"What do you think?"

"I think ... what they think is certainly understandable."

"Meaning what?"

Shane sighed and looked out the window at the hills before she finally answered. "They're right, I don't have a good track record. I'm famous for not being in long-term relationships. This is the only one I've ever been in, and I already fucked it up once, by cheating on her. I ... I never in my life imagined myself getting married. It was never remotely on my radar. You know how people talk about settling down? Well, I'm not a settler-downer. I'm about the least monogamous person I know. I once told her that monogamy was unnatural to me."

"And yet this was your idea, your initiative. You asked her. Did you guys ever talk about marriage? Did she drop hints, anything like that?"

"No, never. I got to give her credit. I mean, she loves me, and wants a committed relationship with me, and all, but she never said word one about marriage, or any kind of commitment ceremony, or whatever. She once talked with our friends about how when she was young she wanted to be married in this beautiful white wedding dress. But that was mostly more about the dress thing, and anyway she didn't say it to me."

"And she didn't say yes right away."

"No. She wanted to think it over. I can't fault her for that. And, you know, the circumstances were pretty bad. It wasn't like it was all romantic, like in the movies."

"Does she have family?"

"She does, and you know what? I met them, and they loved me, and I loved them, but see, it was before Carmen came out to her mother. And when she did, bang, that ruined everything. Carmen's mom threw us both out. And we haven't seen her since."

"You said it ruined everything."

"Yeah, it did." Shane looked out at the hills again. "I ... I really liked them. No, I loved them. I loved her mother. Her mother and I ... ." Shane choked up.

"Here, let me get you some tissues," Carol said. She went into the house and returned a moment later with a box of them. Shane took the box and plucked out a tissue to wipe her yes and blow her nose.

"Her mother loved you. Something you haven't felt, quit literally in twenty years. Mother love."

"Her mom ... ."

"Yes?"

"She hugged me. I loved it when she hugged me. I can't begin to tell you what it was like. It was ... I just can't describe it."

"There's nothing quit like mother love, is there? It's not like any other kind of love in the world."

"Got that right," Shane said, sniffling. "Which reminds me. I've got more news. I'm going to go meet my father."

Carol gasped, her hand flying to cover her mouth. "Wow. That may be even more of a bombshell than you getting married."

Shane nodded. "Tell me about it."

***

"It's sort of like a Mexican wedding cake, it's got pineapple and walnuts in it," Lara said. She and a few of the friends were having their post-dinner coffee at a restaurant and discussing what had become everyone's all-consuming topic, The Wedding. Lara had volunteered to do the cake.

"You're a culinary genius," Alice said.

"Do you guys think Shane's going to go through with it?" Jenny asked.

"I have to admit I'm a bit surprised she's gotten this far," Bette said.

"All I can say is she better go through with it," Helena said, "because I booked fifteen rooms at the Fairmont Chateau Whistler."

"Also, not to mention, what is it, the private ski instructor." Alice said.

"The lay minister, the chapel," Helena added.

"The fondue," Bette said.

"The fondue," Helena agreed.

"That's very nice of you," Jenny told Helena.

"It's nice to have rich friends," Alice had to throw in.

"You know, it makes me happy to do it. What worries me is Shane doesn't have any family, and Carmen, I don't know, are any of her family coming?" Helena asked.

"Oh, my God, haven't any of you guys heard about Shane?" Lara suddenly remembered.

"No, what?"

"That Shane's meeting her dad, tomorrow." Alice said.

"I thought Shane was an orphan," Bette said, frowning.

"Yeah, me too," Kit said.

"A couple of weeks ago, her dad's wife was in this beauty salon or whatever, and she was reading Angelina magazine—"

"I wrote that piece," Alice said, beaming while trying unsuccessfully to seem modest, "about the opening of Wax, and she gave it to Shane's dad, and the dad called, and Shane is going to Oregon City to visit Gabriel."

"Wow," Kit said.

***

"No, I don't want Carmen to know. I don't want her to get her hopes up," Helena said, talking into her cell phone. She was in a corridor at the showroom and dressing area of the Angelika Webster Collection, the wedding dress shop where the Friends had gone to help Carmen pick out and try on wedding dresses. "Just make sure the hotel's holding the rooms, all tight? You ought to see Carmen; she looks incredible. I've got to go, bye."

Carmen stood before a full-length three-panel mirror up on a dais. She wore a strapless gown that had a series of small black bows on the back.

"What should I do, twist and turn and shake it all out?" Carmen asked as she and Jenny fussed with the petticoats and the spread of the skirt. "I don't know. What should I do? Should I try to go bridal femme? Should I totally try and butch it up in some way?"

"What's Shane doing?" Helena asked. "Is she wearing a traditional tux?"

"No, it's Shane," Jenny said, "so she's not going to do anything traditional."

"You know what?" Bette said, sitting in a chair to the side and observing the proceedings. "You should just do whatever feels good for you."

"Here, try this one," Alice said, handing Carmen another dress on a hanger.

Carmen shook her head and gave out a long sigh, shaking her head in disbelief, though not at Alice or the dress.

"What?" Jenny asked.

"I don't know, I don't know," Carmen sighed. "Am I really trying to marry the most unobtainable person on the face of this planet?" She held up in front of her the dress Alice had just handed her. She looked in the mirror. She liked the dress, but it didn't thrill her. She handed it back to Alice. A few minutes later she found one she thought she should try on. She came out of the dressing room in it.

"This needs to be taken in, like this," Jenny said, adjusting the top of it.

"That's a lot, though," Bette said, eyeing it critically, and frowning.

"I don't like it," Jenny agreed. Carmen looked in the three-panel mirror; she didn't care for it, either, now that she had it on.

"Jenny, what did you wear when you got married?" Alice asked. She was sitting to the side, seemingly absorbed in her cat's cradle string play that she'd recently picked up.

"You were married?" Helena asked, surprised by the question.

"Oh, yeah!" Jenny said. "I wore a beautiful pair of black Converse—" everybody laughed, and Jenny continued to mug it up with enthusiasm – "a great pair of ripped tights with dirt on them, a jeans skirt, and then I wore this beautiful, old, ripped, stained, pink sweatshirt. It was awwwwwesome!"

"Not exactly the wedding dress of your childhood dreams," Bette said.

"I didn't really have that childhood thing, you know, of getting married," Jenny said wistfully. "You know, that all little girls are supposed to have that dream, right?"

"Not little gay girls," Alice said.

"Oh, wow," Carmen said, holding up a dress on a hanger, "this has 'Jenny' written all over it."

"That's beautiful, look at the beads," Bette said. Carmen handed it to Jenny, who went into the dressing room to try it on, just for kicks. Then they found one Carmen seemed to like, and she, too, went off to put the dress on.

A few minutes later Jenny stood before the mirrors in the dress, with a full mesh veil over her head. She looked gorgeous. Carmen came out of the dressing room in a strapless that wrapped around the bodice, and modeled it next to Jenny. Alice helped Carmen try on the headdress/veil that came with it. Helena found a dress she liked and held it to her chest, looking at it in the mirror.

"When Tina and I were talking about getting married we were both going to wear fabulous dresses," she said.

"How come you guys didn't get married," Jenny asked.

"Tina thought it would be too conventional," Bette said. "She didn't want to 'cleave to the heterosexual paradigm.'"

"Now it's cleavin' all over her," Alice remarked, helping Carmen. Tina was in the midst of a heavy affair with a man, an extremely sore point with Bette, obviously, and something of a mystery to the rest of the Friends as well.

"Oh, God," Carmen said. "Come back to us, Tina, come back on our side."

"Fuck that, they can have her," Bette said.

"I think you would look beautiful in your wedding dress," Jenny said to Bette.

Helena took the dress she'd been looking at and handed it to Bette. "Go on, Bette. Try it on," she said, kindly. Bette eyed the dress, which was gorgeous. But she reluctantly pushed it away, saying quietly, "No, thanks."

"I mean, I knew I was gay since I was 12," Carmen said, holding up a dress in front of Alice, "but, I dunno, I just always kinda dreamed of something like this."

Carmen really did like the dress. She studied it for a moment, then looked in the mirror at the people behind her in the showroom. There, lying contentedly in the middle of the floor near Bette's feet was a large female jaguar.

"These are all my friends," Carmen said.

"I know," Ixchel said. "They seem like nice people. Although a few of them are damaged."

"Aren't we all damaged, at least a little bit?" Carmen asked the jaguar goddess. The jaguar flicked her tail over her rear haunch as though chasing a fly, though there were no flies in the room.

"Yes, of course," Ixchel said. "But it's a false equivalency. Some are hurt worse than others. The small one, the one you had the affair with. We've talked about her before."

"Jenny? Yes, we have, I know."

"She's very damaged. And she's getting worse again."

"Is it because of Shane and me?"

"No. You two have nothing to do with it."

"I thought maybe Shane and me, getting back together ... ."

"No. Your conscience is clear."

"I just feel so bad about her."

"I know you do. But it's because you have such a big heart. You love people very deeply."

Carmen sighed. "Ixchel, tell me the truth. Am I making a huge mistake? Am I making a fool of myself?"

"You are following your heart. Do you think that's a mistake?"

"No."

"But you are taking a very big risk, I grant you that. Taking a risk isn't the same as making a mistake. 'Mistake' is just the name we give to it on Monday morning if it works out badly. If it succeeds, then we say it was bold and brilliant. But here's the key thing you need to know. You really don't have any choice. All the wheels have been set in motion."

"I don't understand."

"When Shane asked you to marry her, that started a chain of events. You had a series of choices, in theory. But you really couldn't have done anything other than what you did. You didn't screw up. Here, let's look at your choices. You could have told Shane no, you wouldn't marry her. If you'd said that, what would have been her reaction? What would it have done to your relationship?"

"At that moment, when she was grieving over Dana? I don't know ... I think it would have hurt her. Yes, I know it would."

"Right. Not right away. You know she takes forever to process things. But over time, maybe only a few minutes, she would have come to understand it as a rejection. It would have struck at the heart of her self-esteem, which in any case is pretty fragile. She would have assumed it was a leftover artifact from her infidelity with Cheri Perroni. That you still hadn't totally forgiven her. She values your opinion, especially your opinion of her, above all others. If you'd said no, you would have been rejecting her, not just as a marriage partner, but as a person."

"What if I'd said yes?"

"That's only a theoretical possibility, but it wasn't in the cards. Something this important, this fundamental. This complicated. So many things to think about. Maybe some people could have said yes right away ... but you aren't one of them."

"No."

"So you said the only thing you could. That you loved her, and that you needed to think about it. That it was an important question and you took it seriously. You hit all your marks. And then you went inside and made love. Like I said, you really had no choice."

"I guess."

"And then you gave it a lot of thought. You worked on it all week. And then there came a point where you owed her a proper answer. There, on the side of that mountain, you gave it to her. You said yes. Do you have any regrets?"

"No."

"Good. But I know what's on your mind."

"What?"

"It's the risks. It's that this is a big, big gamble. That Shane is unreliable. As you say, unobtainable. You recognize that it isn't just the question of whether Shane will show up at the alter. It's that she could still bolt, say, three days after the wedding. A week after. A month after. A year after."

"It's that I don't trust her."

"No. That makes it sound like it's on you, that it's your problem. It isn't. It's on her."

"So what do I do?"

"The only thing you can do. Proceed. Give her the benfit of the doubt. Give her the trust. Assume the best. Think positive. Don't second-guess yourself. Do you love her?"

"Yes, you know I do."

"Well, then, marry her. Walk down the aisle."

"It sounds like you're saying I should give her enough rope to hang herself."

"I am saying that. Because sometimes people don't hang themselves. Sometimes things work out. Anyway, once again you don't have any choice."

"Why not?"

"Because that's who you are. You are Carmen de la Pica Morales. You put yourself on the line for the people you love. If you hesitated, even for one moment, you'd never forgive yourself. The truth is, you are incapable of giving only 99 percent. It's all or nothing."