Still You Want Me Ch. 07

"Hello? Okay, thanks. Give me a minute, I'll text you."

He's looking at me with heartbreak written in his eyes.

"Give you a minute? Are you leaving now?"

I'm barely holding on by a thread as his voice cracks. He just got here! He told me he's moving and now he's leaving? I thought I had the night with him! I thought I was taking him to the airport!

"My sister is here. I want to stay here with you all night, but I can't. I need to pull myself together and I can't do that with you next to me."

My eyes start filling, again.

"I'm not ready for you to leave. This is happening too fast, I can't catch up!"

He leans forward and kisses me.

"I know, baby. I know. I'm so sorry. I didn't know this was going to happen. Please forgive me. Please, don't hate me."

He's squeezing my face, desperately pleading for forgiveness.

"Never! I love you too much!"

I kiss him desperately. I want as much as I can get before he finally breaks away.

I walk behind him, both of our hearts breaking in silence as the tears continue to run down our faces. I grab a few tissues on my way through the kitchen and hand him one, so he can clean his face. We stare at each other for a moment as we try to hold on to these last moments.

"Colin, I don't want to, but I have to go. Can I call you?"

He sends a quick text to his sister.

"Yeah, a call would be good."

I nod toward the door and follow him downstairs to the street where he cups my face with his palms.

"I love you, so much!"

I give him a chaste kiss.

"I know. I love you, too. Go. I don't want to be saying goodbye, forever."

I try to smile, but I'm dying inside because I don't want him to abandon me.

His sister pulls up and he gives me one last kiss before he gets into the passenger side of her car. He looks at me, but doesn't say anything. Finally, I break the unbearable silence.

"Will you text me and let me know you made it safely?"

"Yes."

He lowers himself in the car and his sister pulls away. He's gone.

I go upstairs and straight to the bathroom. My contacts are killing me from all of the crying so I take them out, put on my glasses, then walk to the kitchen. I don't stock much alcohol, but I know I have a bottle of something to drink. I rummage through the cabinets until I find some Oregon made whiskey, grab a Coke from the refrigerator, and get started.

I don't have time to mix it in a glass so I take a shot and chase it with the Coke. I need to get drunk ASAP to numb myself from this overwhelming pain. My chest has been heaving uncontrollably since he drove away. No matter what I do, I can't stop the tears, the pain, or the hurt.

[Colin] Where are you? I need you. ASAP

No response.

[Colin] Charlie?

*a shot of whiskey, a shot of coke*

[Colin] I hope you're not mad at me. I need you. Please come to my apartment, it's important.

No response.

[Colin]???

*shot of whiskey, shot of coke*

[Colin] *crying sad face emoji*

*shot of whiskey*

[Colin] Fine. I'm coming to you.

I look at my watch and see it's five minutes after seven so I throw on a shirt, socks, shoes, and sweatshirt.

*shot of whiskey*

I pull up the Uber app.

* * CHARLES * *

I'm sitting at a nice restaurant with a nice guy, I guess. He seems eager and happy to be here. I should be happy, too, but I've spent the last six months falling in love with a guy who's fallen in love with another guy. The guy I'm eating with isn't the man I love. He doesn't even look like the man I love.

It's been hard watching Colin fall in love with Jesse. I can't blame him, though, everyone loves Jesse. Hell, I think I love Jesse. He's a fan-freakin-tastic guy.

Ugh. I hate Jesse.

Colin's been talking about asking him to move in. He's going to do it for their sixth month anniversary which is in a few weeks. Shit, I know where his apartment is, but I haven't been in it. He's weird about people going to his apartment, except Jesse. He wants Jesse to share it with him.

Maybe I should focus on Zach. I mean, I'm swimming against the current with Colin. I can't be in love with him when I'll eventually be best man at his wedding. That'll be the worst day of my life.

Maybe Colin will want to hang out tomorrow since Jesse will be gone. Maybe he'll want to hang out every day while Jesse is gone. What am I doing? Hanging out with Colin isn't focusing on Zach. Maybe I should see if Zach wants to hangout tomorrow and everyday for the next two weeks.

The hostess is trying to get my attention.

"Excuse me, sir?"

I look at her and she looks perturbed.

"You have a guest in the lobby."

I look at her and then at Zach, who's also confused.

"A guest? Who'd be here?"

She continues.

"He's incredibly intoxicated. He says you've been 'ignoring him and he needs you, now'. Those are his exact words."

"I have no idea what's going on."

I'm looking at Zach, but the statement is for everyone. I haven't been ignoring anyone, I haven't even seen anyone in six months!

"If you'd like, we can call the police and have him taken in and detoxed?"

"No. I'll go see who it is, first, then we'll go from there."

I look at Zach.

"Will you excuse me? I'll be right back."

"Of course, go check it out and I'll order desert?"

"Sure. Blackberry cobbler for me, please."

My curiosity is peaking as I walk into the lobby, but before I have a chance to look around, I'm accosted by a hard body that reeks of whiskey. He's yelling at me and weakly pounding at my chest, but I can't understand anything he's saying.

Finally, I extract the man off of my body and I see the saddest sight ever. Colin's face is filled with tears. My heart instantly breaks and I'm overwhelmed with worry. Did something happen to Jesse? To his parents?

"Hey, hey?"

I'm trying to calm him down.

"What's going on? What's wrong?"

I set him down on a bench and put my arm around him.

"Jesse!"

He sobs, throwing his head onto my chest.

"What's happened to Jesse?"

Oh, God.

"He broke up with me!"

Ha! I wish! I have no idea what happened but I'm positive he's confused. There's no way Jesse broke up with him.

"Colin, he didn't break up with you, he's only going to be gone for two weeks, it's for work, remember?"

I cradle his head against my chest with one hand and rub his back with the other. Colin sits up and looks straight at me. The overflowing tears seem to magnify the intensity of his eyes. He shakes his head.

"No, Charlie! He's moving away, for five years!"

He wipes a tear before continuing.

"He broke up with me today, then he left! He left for five years! He's gone, Charlie!"

He returns his head to my chest and softly cries as I wrap my arms around him and, squeezing him tightly, let him use me as a Kleenex.

My own emotions are conflicting inside. Knowing the news that I've wanted to hear more than anything is the same news that's breaking the heart of the man I love. I've never wanted Jesse back in Colin's life more than I do at this moment!

"Oh, baby, I'm so sorry!"

I bury my face in his hair, savoring him. I don't care that I just called him baby and I he's too drunk and emotional to notice. I look at the waitress, who's watching this whole episode unfold, and nod for her to come over.

"Would you please get my jacket from the coat closet and let my friend know I have to leave for an emergency?"

"Of course."

She rushes to grab my jacket and quickly returns.

"Come on, baby, let's go."

I lift Colin, walk him to the car, get him situated, and buckle him up. Due to the alcohol and the sadness, he's pretty worthless. As tears run down his face, he moans.

"I don't want to go home."

"Okay, we'll go to my house."

I reach over and squeeze his forearm for support. He puts his hand over mine and doesn't let go.

He mumbles for the duration of the ride: he curses me for ignoring him (I've never ignored this man in my life!); he cries because Jesse left (silent hallelujah!); he says he'll never be able to go back to work (doubtful); he says he's heartless (impossible!); and he says he'll never love, again (I hope that's not true!). He hates Jesse, loves Jesse, hates Jesse, and loves Jesse (all of sentiments I share).

After we arrive at my house, I park in the garage. I'm sure he can walk into the house by himself, but I want to help him and hold him. I wrap my body around his as I carry him through my home. I set him on the couch and retrieve a blanket.

"Tea?"

"No, but can I have some water?"

As I bring him a glass of water, I ask.

"When was the last time you ate something?"

"Lunch."

"That's not good. What do you want to eat? I'll order food."

"Nothing, I'm not hungry."

He's so dejected and sad, it crushes my soul to see him like this. If I ever see Jesse—fuck! I'm so angry at him for doing this to Colin.

"That's not an option. I'll order some food and you'll eat. How much alcohol did you have anyway?"

"Not very much. Maybe four to six shots?"

"Oh, so only a little bit!"

I know he's too drunk to catch my sarcasm. I retrieve my phone from my jacket and walk to the kitchen to order food.

[Colin] Where are you? I need you. ASAP.

[Colin] Charlie?

[Colin] I hope you're not mad at me. I really need you. Please come to my apartment. It's important.

[Colin]???

[Colin] *crying sad face emoji*

[Colin] Fine. I'm coming to you.

Oh, God! The one time I didn't have my phone on me!

I order food and go back into the living room. He's fallen asleep on the couch so I sit on the floor next to him and wait.

I feel my own chest tighten with sadness. Colin's face is red and blotchy from crying and, though he's asleep, he looks so broke. I remember the look of total devastation in his eyes. I softy rub his cheek and wipe away the tear residue as I plant a gentle kiss on his forehead.

God, he reeks of alcohol.

Twenty minutes later, the food arrives. I run to the door and open it so they won't ring the doorbell and wake him up. It's in vain, Colin's awake when I come back in.

"Hey, I got a couple of different burritos, a chicken quesadilla, and a veggie bowl. Hopefully, one of these looks good enough to eat."

I lay the food on the coffee table.

"You have water, but I also have Sprite, Coke, or Root Beer if you want?"

He leans forward, checking out the food, as he says.

"Coke."

"One Coke coming up!"

I hustle to the refrigerator, grab a Coke and rush back. I notice there's forty dollars laying on the coffee table. I look at Colin, my face asking the obvious question.

"I know you're over budget."

He tries to smile. He's a real son-of-a-bitch sometimes, but I'm not going to argue with him. I leave the money where it is. He sees me watching him and asks.

"Do you want some? I'm not going to finish all this."

"No, I just ate, remember? You came to the restaurant, where I was on a blind date?"

I smile, happy for his interruption. He frowns and starts to apologize.

"Shit, I'm sorry! You were finally in a date and I totally ruin it!"

I sit next to him and rub his back as I reply.

"Seriously, don't worry. This is way more important than anything else. I want to be here for you, you're my best friend."

I watch him pick at his burrito for a while and I'm happy when he finally finishes half of it (they're very large), and I notice he appears to be sobering up so I ask.

"Do you want to watch a movie, sit here, or go to bed?"

It's not super late, maybe nine forty-five, but I'm sure he's probably drained. I know I am.

"Um, I guess go to bed?"

"Sure thing. Let me make sure the guest bed is ready. No one's been in there for a while."

I get up and he stops me.

"Would it be weird if I slept in your bed? I don't want to sleep alone in a strange bed, in a strange house."

Normally, his hazel eyes are vibrant and full of joy, but now they're shallow and lifeless, pleading with me not to leave him alone and not to reject him.

Again, I hate Jesse! How could he do this to my Colin?

I smile.

"Absolutely. Lucky for you, I changed my sheets today."

On the flip side, thank you, Jesse! Colin wants to sleep in my bed!

"Lucky for me, your maid changed the sheets today."

He somehow musters a half-smile, but it's sincere.

"Potatoe, Potato!"

I grab his water and lead him to my room. I've dreamed of this moment; leading Colin to my room so we can spend the night together, for six months. However, the moments that follow in my dream are significantly different than what's about to happen in reality.

Potatoe, Potato, right?

My room is large and mostly impersonal. I blame my parents' designer, but the bed is big and comfortable. I set his water on his night stand and go to find him a toothbrush. Trying to keep his spirits up, I give him a playful smile.

"Do you want to take a shower? You reek of booze."

He nods and I show him how everything works, grab a towel for him, and leave him to clean up. I pace around the room waiting for Colin to finish, I'm surprisingly nervous about him staying the night.

"Charlie?"

He steps out of the bathroom, wearing only a towel around his waist. He's missed drying several spots of his body so he's still glistening with water. His chest has a light dusting of dark-brown hair that trails down his flat stomach and disappears under the towel.

His torso, as long and strong as it is, is perfect. In fact, everything about him is long and strong, his legs, arms, torso...and he's so wet!

"Y-yeah?"

I'm trying not to focus on the wet, and practically naked, man standing in my bedroom. He sits on the bed.

"Can I borrow a pair of underwear? I wasn't wearing any."

I walk to the dresser, retrieve a pair of underwear, and toss them to him. He slides the black boxer briefs up and under the towel. I respectfully, and regrettably, look away when he stands up and drops his towel. He slides into bed, lying on his back.

As we lay in silence for a while, I'm enjoying the close proximity of our locations. It's different than Bend. I'm not planning on doing anything, but it's still a big deal. I can't help feeling guilty, though, that I'm happy about the same reason he's sad.

"I didn't see this coming."

I'm not sure if he's talking to me or himself, so I don't respond.

"Yesterday, at Karaoke, he was singing All of Me. I know it's such a cheesy song, but that's his thing. Jesse never branched out when it came to music's Billboard top fifty."

He attempts a small, shallow chuckle.

"Anyway, last night he was singing that song to me and staring into my eyes. That was yesterday. Today he broke up with me."

I imagine he's shrugging.

"Like, what the fuck?"

I roll over, facing him, he's still on his back staring at the ceiling.

"Colin, I wish I knew what to say."

When he doesn't say anything, I continue.

"I can't pull anything from my own experiences because I've never had a boyfriend, not a proper one anyway."

We sit in silence. I have an idea of what's running through Colin's head, but I don't know what to do about it, so I softly offer.

"If you want me to talk crap about Jesse, I can. I'm incredibly angry with him right now."

He still doesn't reply so, trying not to upset him, I lightly say.

"He picked a job over you. What the fuck is that about?"

I pause. I'd never do that, he'd always be first.

"Tell me if I'm crossing the line, I know you love Jesse and I'll admit, he has a lot of great qualities, but this is a big deal, Colin. You guys were talking about your future and being together forever, then he just leaves. He didn't discuss anything with you. I know they sprung the job on him, but I'm sure they would've given him time to think it over, time to talk with you."

He moves. We're still on opposite sides of the bed, but now he's facing me. I let out a small, frustrated breath as I say.

"I don't know a lot about love, but what he's doing, what he did, this isn't what I envisioned it would be like."

I'm starting to panic because he hasn't said a single word since I started talking and I've never been good in these situations. What if I said all of the wrong things? It feels like ten minutes since he last spoke so I whisper.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything."

He rolls over until he's against me, on his side and facing me, and his breath is on my lips. He's so close—I've never been this close to him! He takes a sharp breath in and I can tell he's trying not to cry.

"No, you're right, but I still love him."

He leans his head against my chest and silently loses his battle to grief.

"I know. Come here, baby."

I move one arm under him and pull him toward me, resting his head on my shoulder and his face against my neck. As he cries, I hold him and stroke his hair, neck, and back. Occasionally, I plant soothing kisses on the top of his head.

I know he's upset and devastatingly heartbroken, but my heart is over the moon as I get to lay here and love him, his skin against mine. I don't care that it's not reciprocated.

The next morning, I wake to find Colin, sprawled out on his stomach, still sleeping next to me. The morning light amplifies his soft and relaxed back muscles.

His glasses and phone are sitting on the nightstand and his clothes are on the floor in the bathroom. My mind knows this is an isolated incident, but my heart is beating ridiculously fast. It's everything I want, I want his stuff scattered around my room, our room. I want this movie.

I begrudgingly get out of bed and walk to the kitchen to start coffee and some water for tea then I look through the fridge and pantry, trying to figure out what I can whip up for breakfast. I don't have much, but I can toast some English muffins or something.

I hear him coming, but having spent a hand full of nights with him still doesn't prepare me for what I see. Colin is breathtaking in the morning. He's wearing the sweatpants he wore last night, his thick brown hair is totally disheveled, his hazel eyes are puffy from crying and still filled with sleep, and his skin is tanned from summer. I ask.

"Tea? Toast?"

He replies with a smile.

"Yes and yes."

"Did you sleep well last night?"

"Better than I expected. I don't remember waking up at all."

He uses both hands to hold his mug as he sips his tea.

"What's on the agenda to—?"

Colin's phone starts ringing and he looks at it and frowns.

"It's my mom."

He looks stressed, but he answers with false bravado.

"Hi, Mom!"

"Um, I didn't take him to the airport, Mom."

"Umm, we broke up."

"Mm-hmm."

"He took a new job so he'll be gone for five years."

"Yeah, it makes sense."

"Mm-hmm."

He won't look at me, but I know he's having a hard time holding back the tears.

"Mom, do you think we can talk about this, in person, when I'm over for dinner Sunday? I'm at a friend's house right now."

"Me, too. I love you, Mom."

He laughs.

"Mm-hmm. I love you, too, Dad. I'll see you Sunday."

He ends the call and gently sets his phone on the counter.

"Sorry, I should've expected they'd call. They knew I was planning to take him to the airport."

"They care and that's a good thing."

I pull my knee to my chest and take a drink of coffee.

"So, anyway, do you want to do something today?"

I'm watching him, for nothing in particular, and how he moves...and his insane morning hair! He's absolute perfection.

"Actually, can you take me home? I need to pack some things. I think I'm going to stay with my parents this week. I don't want to be at my apartment alone."

My heart drops, that's not the answer I was hoping for but what can I do about it? I mean, I can't hold him prisoner, can I?

"Sure, we'll go whenever you want to leave."

The thought of him staying anywhere, other than with me, hurts. I've spent the last six months with him. I desperately want to take care of him, to make him whole, again. I want to be the person he cries on, not his parents.