The Letter

This is my first story, ever, so show a little mercy but please do tell me what you think.

Vulcez

*

John paced slowly and thoughtfully in his living room just a few feet from where his wife, Ruth, sat reading a book. Ruth could sense the turmoil in his mind, both from the nervous pacing and heavy sighing. She was dreading the conversation she knew was coming and the impact it would have on their lives. She sat waiting, dreading, only pretending to read.

John turned to her finally with his own dread pounding in his head and said, "Ruth...?" She looked up at him and held her breath, raising her eye brows in mute inquiry. "Ruth, I need to talk to you and I hope you can hear me out before you react to what I'm about to say".

"Oh God!" she thought. She had been anticipating this for over a month but just realized she was not really ready to hear it, not ready to have her life changed forever. She let out her breath heavily and simply said, "Ok, John". She put her book in her lap and held it tensely.

John sat slowly on the couch with her about a foot away turning as much as possible towards her, laid his big paw on top of her dainty hand and said, "I haven't been a very good husband to you lately. I have done things I am not proud of and I have dishonored you. I mean to change that as of now if you can let me."

Hope sprang into Ruth's consciousness, tinged with a bit of anger and sorrow. Emotions she had not allowed herself to feel over the past long, difficult month. "Are we talking about your affair with Gina Laslowe or something else?" she said with more bite in the tone than she wanted to show.

John blanched slightly, dropped his eyes and whispered, "Fuck. When...? How...? How long have you known?"

"Over a month." she said flatly. "For the past 21 years, you'd put on your police uniform and walk out that door and I'd wonder if this was the day you wouldn't come home because some drugged up shit-head killed you. For the past month, I wondered if this was the day you'd walk out that door and not return because you decided to move on with Gina. I don't know which is worse. I actually thought of killing you myself so I guess the second scenario was worse in my mind."

"Oh, Ruth how do I begin to even say how sorry I am? I have called it off... as of yesterday. We were going to meet up this afternoon and I called her and said it was over and I wouldn't see her again and I meant it. I promise you I will never, ever, ever do anything like that again...! Please, can you forgive me? ... and I know I have some real work to do to get you back completely and I am prepared to do whatever you want me to do. Even... fuck, I don't even want to say it... even if it means giving you up and not fighting your divorce terms. You decide. You're in the driver's seat. Tell me. Want me dead? Just say the word and I'll eat my revolver."

Ruth reflected for a bit and then said coolly, "I want you dead. But, please do it somewhere where I won't have to clean up the mess -- blood is soooo hard to get out of good carpeting."

John's eyes widened, "Are... are you fuckin' kidding me?"

Ruth looked at him with a raised eyebrow and said, "See. One should not be making ridiculous offers to a wronged woman. One might find oneself having to live up to promises one may not want to keep. ... No, dumbass I don't want you killing yourself, but I am keeping the 'I might kill you myself option open'." Ruth extended her right hand and studied the back of it thoughtfully. "I do see diamonds in my near future; however."

A wry smile crossed John's face. "Damn, she is amazing. Even under the worst of situations she can find something to ease the tension and joke about it. I absolutely love this woman." As those thoughts ran through his head, his demeanor softened but the guilt of his betrayal resounded with a thundering vengeance. How could he have done this to her, his love, his partner?

Ruth suddenly got very serious and her voice was low and hard. "John, for the past few weeks I have cried over you, got depressed because of you, hated you, been sick about you, grieved for us and me and still... I love you. YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!!! How could you do this to me? To us... to ME!!!?" She was crying, no, sobbing now and her small fists thumped on his chest. John pulled her close and held her as she sobbed.

His eyes filled with tears, his body shaking with the force of his own emotion. He rocked her gently and kept repeating, "I am so sorry... so sorry..."

She continued to sob, and periodically hit him with her clenched fists saying, "you broke your promise... broke your promise..."

The minutes ticked by as they sobbed together, clinging to each other tightly for mutual support for perhaps the first time in several months. But they were in it together. Together they would find a way through this and come out on the other side. They continued to rock and cling and sob for seeming hours, with the occasional jab to the ribs and chest from small, angry fists.

****

The road to THEM would prove to be long and rocky. Outbursts of rage, accusations and name calling were pretty common fare from Ruth. Sullen, guilt ridden apologies and being attentive to Ruth's every whim was the soup of John's daily existence. They never didn't share the same bed. Ruth reasoned that she had slept with him when she knew about his "whoring around" -- before his confession and she couldn't see why she wouldn't sleep with him now. "Plus, ", she told him, "It's easier to keep tabs on you if I can see you." She often wore her sexiest night gowns and even went as far as buying VERY sexy attire to wear to bed but made it clear that sleeping was all they would be doing in that bed until she decided differently. After showering she would stand in the bedroom with every light on drying off. Displaying her luscious nude form to full effect -- something she had never done before. She wore perfume and makeup to bed with the sole purpose of driving John mad with lust and desire. She would play sensuous music at various times of the day and do slow undulating stripteases before John's wide eyes and open mouth and then redress to resume whatever chore she had been involved in.

Damn, she could be very cruel. John seemed to walk around with a permanent erection during this horribly frustrating and seemingly endless "dry" spell. Ruth took to calling John at odd, unpredictable times during his work day to check on his whereabouts and would even call other police officers who worked the same shift and ask them to have John take the call at their desk to insure John really was where he said he would be. To say John was on a very short leash was an understatement but he took to the process with a resignation that this was his price of admission back into Ruth's heart. He even took the constant ribbing from his shift mates with stoic grace even chiding them on the fact that this could be them or worse if they ever strayed. He was learning his lesson.

One night about 2 ½ months after his "confession" John awakened slowly to find Ruth straddling his midsection rocking feverishly and panting heavily. He felt the exquisite sensation of his rock hard cock being massaged by the hot, soaking silkiness of Ruth's frantic pussy. Through his sleepy and confused state he wasn't sure how to react. Should he participate or would awareness that he was awake and enjoying this cause her to quit and trigger a continuation of his dry spell? He waited until he heard the sounds from her that always signaled the beginnings of her orgasm. He loved and so missed those sounds: heavy panting followed by little squeals and leading finally to her heavy gasp and a single groan always through clenched teeth. He almost cried for joy. Once the squeals started, John sat up abruptly, bear hugging her rib cage tightly and sucking madly on one and then the other hard and protruding nipple.

Ruth's responsed with "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!, Jesus, John! Yesssss, yesss ohhhh... shit yesssssss" She started then to squeal sharply, gasped 3 times and screamed through clenched teeth. John held her through her release and then flipped her over on her back and began to plow into her quivering satiny wetness with all the force his 6 foot frame could generate. Ruth continued to balance on the knife edge of complete release for some time again and finally went over the top repeating her previous response to their fervent joining. John this time was not far behind firing his long pent up juices deep into her body's center.

The only thought John's stupified brain could muster was, "beautiful... fuckin' beautiful".

After catching their breath and coming down from their frenzied sexual high, Ruth finally held his face in her hands tightly, She looked John square in the eye, her blazing green eyes even visible in the extreme low light of the darkened bedroom and said with a voice cracking with emotion, "You are mine, you fucking son of a bitch! All mine and don't you ever forget that again. If you ever, ever cheat on me again I will, I swear, nail your dick to my bedpost and send the rest of you packing. Is that clear you stupid bastard!!!" She hit both of his shoulders with her fists for punctuation.

John slid his rough hand across the side of her dampened face, kissed her lips very gently and whispered, "Yes, yes my love. I am yours... always. I promise... Thank you, thank you. Oh shit, what a fool I was... never, never again. I swear, I swear, I swear." They settled into a soft embrace in quiet thought of where they had been, what they nearly lost and where their road would lead from here. John kissed the top of Ruth's head and stroked her back gently. This was heaven. He thanked all that he held sacred for this moment and what it foretold.

After a long languid silence, Ruth said gently but with a hint of foreboding, "John, I need you to answer two questions for me. Why Gina; and what made you break it off and face me about it?"

John flinched briefly, not wanting to disturb this precious moment and definitely not wanting to turn to that page of his memories that caused all the hurt and struggle they had just been through. He thought quietly for a long minute then said softly, "Baby, I will tell you everything you want to know. ... I promise. The 'why Gina' is pretty simple, I guess. She had been coming on to me for several months; dropping by the precinct to bring me lunch and 'just to talk'. She always talked about how lonely and horny she was since Bill was killed and how if I could 'help her out' she would really appreciate it. I guess she just decided since her love was gone she should just go for anything and I was anything. It was just too easy and she fed my old ego something fierce. I felt sorry for her really, she was becoming a regular 'badge bunny'."

Ruth broke in at this point, "BADGE BUNNY, my ass! Crying out loud, John she's almost 40! That does not qualify her as a 'badge bunny', more like a 'dust bunny' if you ask me. Now if it was Celia Johannsen you were messing with; I would have just walked into your office, plugged you three times and turned myself in. No way could I compete with that little hottie. Shit, if she looked at ME sideways I'd do her, and I'm not even close to being into woman. She's a 'badge bunny'! I do have to admit Gina has the nicest set of boobies money can buy. Do you need me to get a set of plastic hooters for you to play with?"

John stopped her strongly but you could hear a note of playfulness in his tone," HELL, NO!! I love your sweet cupcakes and you will not mess with my favorite toys, is that clear!!" Ruth gave a fake salute, giggled quietly and simply said, "Yes, sir."

John paused a long time then sighed, "As for the second part of your questions I will answer you but to make it understandable I really have something I need you to read. Can you hold on to that question 'til morning? I will take the day off and will give you the whole story. Does that sound fair?"

"Holy shit! You're going to take the day off for this? This better be good or you may not get lucky again for a loooooonnnnnggg time." There was a slight chuckle in her voice that let him know that the old Ruth was back and they might make it. He again breathed a silent prayer of thanks, kissed the top of her head and they drifted off to sleep still clutching each other as if there was a chance the other would somehow disappear.

***

When the sun rose, John and Ruth were still locked in a gentle embrace. John awakened first and looked down at this nude angel sleeping gently. Her body was facing his and she was spread out nearly covering the left side of his body. Her head was lying on his chest just below his left nipple. Her hair was splayed out across his chest and her left arm encircled his lower rib cage. It felt wonderful having her there and feeling close to her. He kissed the top of her head lightly and she did not stir. As he replayed the night's "activity" in his memory, the thought occurred to him that he had worn briefs to bed. The question immediately became "How in the hell, had she gotten them off of him without waking him and what happened to them?" After a quick inspection the answer became immediately clear. On each side of his prone figure he saw the sides of his briefs (or what was left of them) lying spread out away from his body like a short set of wings. The little minx had simply cut the briefs from his body and thrown the top section off to get at his "stuff". He laughed quietly for a moment until the thought occurred to him that she could have just as easily made him able to sing soprano for the Vienna Boys Choir. He gulped at that thought. He then decided if she could take advantage of him while he was asleep he should do the same to her. He cautiously rolled her on her back and began a sweet seduction of her sleeping form.

She opened one eye, giggled softly and whispered in a husky, sexy voice, "Cover me up when you're done". She then closed her eye and began snoring loudly while trying to keep a smile from turning her lips. John could not help but to laugh heartily. For the first time in many months, they made love deeply and passionately, pausing only long enough for John to call in to the precinct saying he was taking a personal day. The desk sergeant, on hearing John's panting request, chuckled, "Damn, John, if she does you in make sure she calls me first! Glad you came to your senses, my friend. Enjoy your day... you lucky bastard."

After finally leaving a bed that saw more one night action than it had witnessed in years, the couple sat at the breakfast table, sipped their coffee quietly and contemplated their future. All thoughts were of coming times with them still together and maybe a promise or at least a hope of better days ahead.

John decided to open the floor with a tongue in cheek kind of question to lighten the moment a bit. "Just what the hell was last night all about anyway?" he said this with a Cheshire cat grin and a light chuckle in his voice. "You were freakin' amazing, girl and I wasn't aware you had it in you -- especially the part where you cut my ga-damn shorts off. That really messed with my head".

Ruth looked at him with a sly, comical grin over the top of her coffee cup, her green eyes dancing with impish delight. "Well if you MUST know, after teasing you relentlessly with my nightly sexy display and all the strip teasing I did, I was as horny as a herd of wild mares in season. Last night I was lying with my back to you and you kind of spooned up to me and I felt this big ol' hot hunk of man flesh sticking between my butt cheeks and I just couldn't take it any more. You were out cold so I rolled you on your back, got a pair of scissors, cut off your undies and climbed aboard. Once I got going I didn't give a shit about anything except how great it felt to be 'riding the pony' again and getting off. Damn, you felt good!! I did actually give some thought to possibly fucking you to death just for my revenge but then it occurred to me that that would leave me without that part of you that scratches my itch so effectively. I'm keeping you around purely for selfish reasons." She gave him a wide-eyed impish look and winked at him.

John shook his head and grinned broadly. Gradually the smile faded from John's face and he eyed Ruth thoughtfully for a moment. He left the room quietly and returned moments later with a few folded sheets of paper in his hand. "Ruth..." he said hesitantly, "Last night you asked what made me stop seeing Gina and I want to answer that now. I again want to say that whatever you want to know about it all, ask and I'll answer as best and as truthfully as I know how. Please know above all else that at no time did I ever stop loving you; caring about you and wanting you. I know that sounds like so much bullshit after what I did to you... to us, but that I swear is the truth. It was all about ego shit, excitement and macho crap. I hate myself for doing it and wish I could undo it. Just for the record, she never once, not once, came close to being as hot, beautiful, sexy, loving, ... fuckin' wild (here he snickered) as you are on even a bad day. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me and I will not jeopardize that... us again. As to what happened to kick me in the ass and open my eyes to what I was doing, here is what happened that lead up to my admission of guilt."

John took a deep breath. "A couple of weeks before our 'talk', I was working on a report of a body that was found in an alley in one of the seedier parts of downtown. I went and talked to the coroner's office and viewed the body. The body was that of a woman in her mid thirties whose hands were kind of split and cracked like she wasn't used to real hard work long term but had recently been doing that kind of work. She had been robbed and strangled to death. No ID, nothing really to go on to get a sense of who she was - a Jane Doe case. Not very unusual but there was something that kept nagging at me about her. I felt like I had to work this case hard. I had a couple of uniforms canvass the area and we were able to ascertain that she was a short-order cook in a greasy spoon type cafe in that area. The café paid her in cash and didn't know what her name was for sure. They just called her 'Sad Sadie' or Sadie to her face. The guy we talked to said she was always sad about something but kept pretty much to herself. She lived in a shitty apartment next to an abandoned building where a bunch of junkies and runaway kids crashed and we found her personal belongings in various places in the abandoned building and a few things not worth stealing in her trashed apartment. I was going through an old coat of hers that had been pretty high end gear at some time or another but at that time was really beat up. In a torn section of the coat I found this letter (he held up the pieces of paper at this time) that she obviously had stashed and was intending to mail but just never had. I read the letter in hopes that it would tell me more about who she was. That was two days before I came to you to confess. From the letter we were able to find out who she was and from our interviews and canvassing, just last week, we were able to nail her killer. As we were chasing the 'perp' he had the good sense to run across the street and get greased by a truck. He died at the scene, saving us a whole lot of paperwork and saved the city the cost of prosecution. Anyway, that letter kept haunting me so I made a copy of it and read it again. I'll read it for you or you can read it yourself, which ever you prefer."

Ruth looked at John intently and asked him to read it to her so she could get a sense of its impact on him.

John read:

My Dearest Ben,

I know you probably don't want me ever referring you in that manner but that's what you are to me. I can't say I'm sorry enough about what I did to you and to the kids. I am never going to get over my own betrayal of you. I'm sorry, Ben. I became the kind of person I always had looked down upon with complete disgust. How could that have happened? What happened to the upstanding faithful wife and mother you were used to knowing? For six months I lived a lie. I looked you in the eye, smiling and joking with you when in my heart I knew at the same time I was cheating on you with another man. I hate myself for that. My darling, sweet husband it's important to me that you know that you did nothing wrong. No slight, no forgetfulness on your part justifies what hurt I heaped on you. The entire fault was mine and mine alone. A man, not my husband, complimented and toyed with me until I fell for his stupid lines. What a fool I was to trade your daily attention and support for a few well chosen words about my appearance and intelligence. Somehow when you said those things they just didn't mean as much. They should have but they just didn't. Now I fear I will never hear your voice or the sweet sound of our children's laughter again. I could't face you and see the hurt and disgust in your eyes so I just decided to disappear and allow you to go on with your life and find a new love. Someone who will love you the way you should be loved. You deserve that and I want that for you with all my heart. I know you can get a divorce citing my abandonment as cause. That way there is no split of anything and you can go on raising our children in the way you always have. You are a good father and I know you will continue to do what is best for them.