The Rabbit Hole Ch. 09

"It's not your fault," said Joe finally, his voice thick from crying.

"I brought you to the show."

"Don't do that. You know whose fault it is."

"I guess."

As horrible as it sounded, Nadia struggled to put all the blame on Penny. Something about her felt like a child lashing out more than a predator. Sure, she overreacted to Joe at the time, but Joanna told her all the horrible things Joe did to other women. He would make Nadia feel guilty, so she would talk to him out of obligation. He did that on purpose. It was all calculated. He played women, and when they wouldn't play along, sometimes he took what he wanted by force. He wasn't a good man, but Penny didn't know that when she took him.

And what about Dr. Tuminaro? He was experimenting on people without their permission. That's illegal and cruel. He did deserve punishment, but did he deserve whatever Penny did to him? Did anyone deserve that?

No. Probably not. She had always gone too far, as though she felt perpetually backed into a corner. She was a tigress, lashing out at those that pressured her, scared her, tried to chase her into the cage. Maybe you put that tiger down, or maybe you set it free.

"I'm disgusting," whispered Joe.

"What?"

The bathroom door slowly swung open. Joe was standing there, naked now, staring at himself in the mirror. His eyes were puffy and wet, snot dripped from his nose, and his face was one of total loathing.

"I'm disgusting," he repeated.

"No you're not."

Nadia stood up and came into the bathroom. She stood behind Joe, looking over his shoulder at Joanna, her best friend in the ongoing darkness of the past few weeks.

"I look like some plastic toy. Like ... God, she made me ... she made me ..."

The tears well up, and Joe scrunches his face into another mask of pain, sending the tears back down his cheeks. Nadia tries to say something, but she doesn't know what Joe knows. Some memories come back slowly. Does he remember being stupid? Does he remember being used freely and often by strangers? Do the sensations come back, or is it like watching someone else? For Nadia, it was like watching a movie, especially when she was Dolly. It was something that happened to her, not something she was present for.

What could she say that would make it better? What could she do?

Nadia wrapped her arms around Joe from behind. His body was still Joanna's; a body Nadia knew well. A body that held her, that comforted her, that enticed and seduced her. She would put her head on Joanna's lap while they watched movies, and Joanna would run her hands through Nadia's short hair, petting her. Was that all Joanna? All some construct from Penny's imagination? Did she have Penny to thank for that or Joe?

"I can't separate all that happened from what was me and what was her," said Nadia, turning her cheek against the back of Joe's shoulder.

"I can," said Joe. "It wasn't me that ... that ... did all those things."

"But was it you when you told a joke?" asked Nadia. "What that Penny or was that Joe?"

"I don't know."

"Or when you argued with me? When you comforted me? Was that Penny or Joe?"

Joe said nothing. After a moment, he turned and faced Nadia. He hugged her, holding her there, and Nadia hugged him back. It wasn't entirely like hugging Joanna, but it was nothing like hugging Joe. Joe could never come back, not entirely. The trauma of Penny would linger on his identity forever. Neither could Nadia come back. Penny had opened a door she always wanted open. Penny had gone too far, but Nadia could feel even now, that being Dolly would be better than dealing with the weight of humanity.

"I'm ugly," whispered Joe. "That's the worst of it. When I walk around like this, people will know what I've done. They will know what I'm good at, what I'm good for. I can't hide what she's done to me from everyone who looks at me."

"You're not ugly." Nadia stepped away from Joe and turned him around. She stepped to the side so they could both look at Joanna's body. Her chest was huge, porn star huge, and her shoulders were slumped forward from the weight of them. Her hair was dirty blonde and wavy, flirting with curly, cascading over her shoulder and down her back. Her lips were plump and full. Her eyes were large, and her long eyelashes made them seem larger. Her face was soft and long, pointed with a strong jawline at the bottom. She had a piercing in her nose and several along her ear and some type of tribal tattoo on her right wrist and outer hand. Nadia knew that if she turned around, they would see the tattoo along her lower back saying "easy." She had a belly button piercing what dangled down an inch and a smooth, plump pussy. She did look like a porn star, but without the confident look, the desire to seduce or take. There was an innocence there that always attracted Nadia to her.

Behind the innocence was a storm of worry and intelligence that Joanna never had. This was Joe, analyzing his new body, worried about what others would think. He was vulnerable, scared, angry, and despairing. His world was over. There was no way he could go back to his old life and no way he could go back to Penny now. What other option was there?

A new start.

"I think you're beautiful," said Nadia.

"What?" asked Joe. He stepped back as he said it, almost afraid of the words.

"I know that's new for you to hear." Nadia stepped to the side and turned, facing Joe while he looked at his body in the mirror. "But you are beautiful."

"These?" Joe cupped his huge tits and raised them, then let them drop. His upper body bent at the weight of his tits falling.

"Yes." Nadia stepped forward and cupped Joe's breasts. "These are beautiful." She bent down and lightly kissed them.

Joe stepped away. "Stop."

Nadia looked up. She had seen that face before, that fear and panic, on Penny. She held his gaze and stepped closer. "You're beautiful," she repeated.

"Stop saying that." Joe walked out of the bathroom and into the bedroom.

Nadia followed. "Why? It's true. You don't see it? Fine. Welcome to being a woman. There is no inner beauty. You can't conjure it out of positive thinking. It is bestowed upon us by those that love us, those we trust."

"Stop," said Joe, but his heart wasn't in it. "I'm not. I'm ugly. I'm disgusting."

Nadia followed him to the door of the motel room. There he stopped and faced her, and again she pressed upon him, cupping his breasts once more.

"These," she said, kissing them gently, "are beautiful." She kissed them again, and Joe didn't pull away. "They are big, but they are yours. They are yours, and they are beautiful. They are beautiful, and you are beautiful." She traced tiny kisses, light as feathers, light as snowflakes, over Joe's skin. When she finally kissed Joe's nipples, he sighed and arched his back into it. Nadia took the invitation to partly open her mouth and take the hardening nipple inside. She sucked on them lightly, barely flicking them slowly with her tongue, like a massage. Joe's moans grew louder as he bent his knees into it, losing control.

Nadia pulled her mouth away, and Joe whimpered. "Let me show you what I see," she said as she pulled Joe to the bed. Joe laid down, relaxing and looking at Nadia. Joe had never looked at her that way before, but Joanna had done so many times. It was a look of desperation, of lust, of patience, of desire, of ... a kind of love. Nadia smiled to see her old friend back, even if for a moment.

She bent down over Joe and began to kiss his thighs. "These are beautiful." She kissed down to Joe's polished toes. "These are beautiful and look fantastic in heels." She switched to the other foot and kissed her way up. She kissed past Joe's thigh and to his belly button. She kissed that, and slid her tongue down, swirling it over Joe's belly button. "I love this new piercing on you." He gasped and spread his arms, clenching the sheets of the bed. His breathing increased, his eyes closed, and his body clenched as Nadia moved her kisses up his body to his breasts. She kissed under his breasts at first, the often ignored flesh between breast and chest. It's delightfully sensitive, and Joe squirmed under her kisses.

Nadia took her time with Joe's breasts. As a male, he'd rarely had his breasts properly worshipped, and she wanted to show him the wonders of his new body. Somewhere inside of Joe were all the memories of being Joanna. He could access those again, even if he couldn't be her all over. He could find the joy in being her. She kissed small circles over his breasts, avoiding the nipples as long as she could.

"Please," begged Joe. "Please kiss them."

"Kiss what?" asked Nadia, smiling through more and more kisses.

"My nipples," whined Joe.

"I thought they were ugly?" teased Nadia.

"I don't care. Please, please kiss them."

"Say they're beautiful."

"They're beautiful. They're so beautiful. Just please, please kiss them."

"As you wish," said Nadia, and lightly kissed Joe's nipples. He arched his back, and she let him slide them into her mouth, where she could suck on them. Nadia reached up and ran her hands through Joe's hair. "I love your beautiful hair," she said, tugging on it slightly. She straddled him now, pinned him between her legs with her mouth teasing his nipples, and he gripped the sheets, writhing beneath her, giving tiny gasps of pleasure.

Finally, she broke free of his nipples and continued kissing over his body. She kissed up his neck, nibbling some as she went. She moved to his ear and began to kiss there. "I love these piercings," she said and sucked on them.

That drove Joe wild as he began to thrust his hips under Nadia, his lust overcoming his shame, his fear, his every thought and doubt. Nadia pulled away and looked into his eyes.

"I love your body," she whispered. She smiled, and tears welled up in his eyes. "I love your lips," she bent down and kissed him. He kissed her back, hard, and their lips danced around and over each other. "They are yours," she said between kisses, "and they are beautiful, and I love them."

"Thank you," whispered Joe back as he kissed her. "Thank you, thank you, thank you." He kissed her and ran his hands over her back, holding her in his embrace. "I don't deserve you."

"You don't," she affirmed. "But you also don't deserve what happened to you." She ran her hands down over his nipples. He gasped. "Let's make it worth it."

She broke the kiss and slid down his body. If he was still Joanna, still her former lover, he would know to spread his legs immediately. He would know what to do and would welcome her. Instead, he held his legs tight together, looking uncomfortable and ashamed.

"This is the most beautiful," said Nadia. "This is a precious gift."

"But my ... but it's ... it's gone."

"You forget what you got in its place." Slowly but firmly, Nadia put her hands on Joe's knees and spread his legs. "Let me remind you."

Nadia lowered herself and began to lick Joe's pussy. Joe gasped, but his body was too rigid, too tense. Nadia took her time, slowly licking with long strokes over the outside of his lips. She gave the inside of his thighs little kisses, tiny licks. She was as patient with Joe as Joanna was with her the first few times.

It occurred to her now that she was fucking a woman without the influence of Penny. There was the one time with Joanna, but she panicked afterwards. This was different. She wasn't forced to serve Joanna, and neither was she tricked or seduced. She simply saw Joanna's body and the muscle memory of wanting it, lusting over it, came back to her. She could remember the sensation and tastes of her lover, and they were all good. Penny could not make them good. The goodness belonged to Nadia, and as long as it felt this way, she would follow it.

"Oh fuck," Joe moaned as Nadia parted his lips and moved to his clit. "Fuck, fuck."

"See? You don't need to hate this body," teased Nadia. She gently applied pressure with two fingers on his clit. "This body is a wonder, filled with so many pleasures."

"Fuck, fuck, fuck." Joe raised his hips, thrusting his pelvis into Nadia's fingers, into her tongue as let it gently slide over his lips, over and over.

"You like what this body can do?"

"Yesss. Oh fuck, yes."

"You think this body is beautiful?"

"Yes. Holy shit, yes."

"You want to be Joanna now?"

Joe fell silent but kept squirming, kept thrusting as she teased his body. She pressed her lips against his clit and began to flick it with her tongue. She knew she had pressed him with that question, perhaps gone too far.

"Call me Jo," she said finally. "Short for Joanna." Her voice raised a bit, regaining some of the breathiness of Joanna. It was a small step, but the right step to finding a silver lining in all this chaos.

Nadia smiled. "Alright, Jo. Cum for me. Can you do that?" Nadia lowered her head and slid her tongue deep into Jo's pussy. She put her fingers onto Jo's clit and pressed down, making small circles while wiggling her tongue inside as far as it could go.

"Oh, fuck. Yes. Yes. I'll come for you. Yes."

And she did. And afterwards, she needed reminding of how beautiful her body was. She needed reminding three more times that night. Later, Nadia would be grateful that they spent their first night from Penny fucking. Any other way would have been too dark, too depressing. Their world had fallen apart, could still fall apart more, but now there was only a new chapter, new exploration, and new acceptance.

In the end, their first and smallest revenge against Penny was ruining her punishment of Joe. He made a beautiful woman, a happy woman, and a wonderful lesbian.