The Sands of Time

What follows is the most personal story I have ever written. I first wrote it 15 years ago and have modified and edited it many times since never being entirely satisfied. I'm still not. I suspect there are still errors in but it's time the world saw it. Only a very few have ever seen it. This is not an erotic story, there is no sex herein. It is rich with symbolism. That said, if you're looking for sex do not continue.

Jane looked at the wedding ring on her finger. Its luster was gone from the scratches it had borne. She felt tired, worn down and a bit sad. Jane closed her eyes and listened to her lungs pull in the air and slowly released it again. She heard the people about her conversing but did not hear a thing of what anyone was saying. Her mind drifted back to college and English Literature class. She could see the professor upon whom she had a formidable crush. She remembered how devastated she felt when she heard he was getting married. She smiled to herself thinking how foolish she had been. She swore on that day she would hate him forever. Looking back now her memories were fond and happy.

Then Jane wondered if that was the only love she ever felt. She wondered if she had ever really loved her husband Gary. She wondered if she had simply loved him for how he had brought her out of her depression when they met. Upon further reflection she felt certain she had never really loved him. She fixed on that thought for a very long time.

"Jane," a voice said. Jane did not respond. She had not heard it as she had become totally lost in her thoughts.

"Jane!" The voice said now considerably louder. Jane thought she had heard something and brought herself back to a conscious state. "Jane!" The voice nearly bellowed as she gained her composure. She looked up into the face of her boss. She expected to see a very angry face. Instead she saw the soft face of concern. Jane's boss, Grace, an aging woman now in her early 70s, was known for a very her stern attitude in the workplace. Grace gave the appearance of being frail but she was actually quite the opposite. She moved around quickly and with agility. Her mind was as sharp as anyone who worked there as well.

"Jane, what is wrong?" Grace asked with an unmistakable voice of concern.

"Nothing," Jane replied nervously, "nothing's wrong. Why do you ask?"

"Jane, you have worked here for 12 years and you've always been one of my hardest workers. But just now, I walked in on you and it took me three tries to gain your attention. What is troubling you dear?" She said this in a very caring motherly way. Jane had never observed her like this.

"Oh it's nothing really," Jane lied, "I've been a little tired lately, a little stressed. I was just thinking of my vacation." She gave a most convincing performance so much so that she almost believed it herself.

"Okay, I can understand that. Lord knows you are my most diligent and hard working employee. But, if you do have a problem I expect you will come to me with it. It's important that I am aware of anything that might affect your performance here." Grace said to her with much concern. "Jane," she paused to assure she had Jane's attention, "you know you can come to me with any problem."

Jane was uncertain of how to respond so she simply said, "Yes, I know, thank you." She had been one of two women to receive a Masters in Business Administration from Harvard in her graduation class. The Harvard "B school" was still dominated by men. She graduated again two years later receiving a Ph.D. in business. This time she was graduated holding a 4.0 grade point average, a full half point higher than her previous degree. She felt that succeeding in grad school wasn't enough and that for her to be successful in the world she needed to excel. Jane had always been very meticulous about everything she did. She learned this from within herself during high school and carried it through college, job interviews and into the workplace. With those credentials Jane found a job very easily in a large multi-national financial company and rose quickly to the position of vice president that she now held. She felt she had become stagnated but she knew full well that it was the way of this particular business. She also knew she was the most senior and best qualified to replace Grace whenever she retired. Jane felt guilty about all the times she had prayed Grace would finally decide to retire. It was often said that Grace would die on the job before she'd retire. In rethinking her desires she realized that Grace had been a continual source of support. Jane knew she was good to her especially in her early years at the firm when mistakes in a firm that did not allow for mistakes happened. It was then that Jane decided she needed to feel comfortable and happy with her present position.

Jane's mind returned to the meeting she had to attend in five minutes and mentally prepared herself. In seconds she totally regained her composure. In a little over two minutes she had filled a legal size paper with notes and questions for the meeting.

Jane hated Friday morning board meetings almost as much as she hated Monday morning board meetings. At the meetings were a bunch of boring old men all dressed in identical conservative charcoal gray suits. She looked at each of them feeling confident that each was approximately the same age as Grace and that meant their retirement was imminent. At each meeting several of them stood up and gave a report on something equally as boring as they were. They droned on endlessly in monotone voices until the meeting ended mercifully.

Jane entered the mahogany-encased boardroom and sat to the left side and two down from board's chair. Protocol was strictly observed and although Jane was herself a stickler for detail there was something about protocol that made her a bit angry but she had never been able to nail it down. Almost as soon as she entered the room and sat down the rest of the board's members followed and took their respective places. It never occurred to Jane that it was possible they respected and admired her. Grace was one of the first to enter and as a senior vice-president she sat towards the head of the table. Jane felt protected with Grace there, near her, a curious feeling as Jane had good inner strength. Finally the chairman came in and in unison the entire board started to rise out of respect. The chairman motioned for them to stay seated, as he always did.

"I would like to keep this meeting as brief as possible today if you please," Mr. Eliot, the chairman announced. Jane sighed in relief and hoped she'd be passed over and be allowed to go unheard. It was then that she noticed feeling mentally tired and extremely desirous of being done with this meeting and the entire day for that matter.

"Mrs. Coolidge, let's start with you," Mr. Eliot announced.

Jane quietly gulped at this unexpected event. She was not afraid to stand before the board having done it a hundred times before. As always, logic prevailed, Jane gritted her teeth and stood up. "Gentlemen and ladies," Jane said with her usual professional aplomb. "There were no new acquisitions this month however our strong positive cash flow in the European markets has made us an attractive suitor to a number of companies." Jane continued and completed within five minutes, something she knew the chairman appreciated. He stated his appreciation and requested that she meet with him later that day or Monday to go over the acquisitions. One time, much to Jane's surprise, he said to her on the way out of a board meeting, "I appreciated you short to the point reports. Too many people try to dazzle me with their brilliance when all they are telling me is a bunch of bullshit to give the appearance they are very important. Excuse my language, I'm sorry, it's uncalled for. It doesn't change the way I feel though." With that he turned and left. This puzzled Jane a bit as he was not known for getting down into the details of the corporate works. She resigned herself to it and made a mental note to make an appointment with his secretary at her first opportunity. She made an appointment see him Monday at eleven.

Later, when Jane arrived home, she paused to lie down on her sofa. She thought back to the episode at work. She thought about how she had lied to Grace. She hoped her charade was not transparent. She did not want to answer any questions about her private life. She had come to the conclusion that she was no longer in love with her husband, Gary, if in fact she ever had been. If she had been totally truthful with herself, she would have divorced him at least three years ago. Her quandary was a matter of what the consequences of such an action might be. Gary had become a senior vice-president at a large local bank. Jane had always believed that being in a position as this was ideal for both of them. Now she realized that without love it was a nightmare. She chastised herself for being so indecisive on her next move. It baffled her how she could make decisions at work that would directly affect the future of millions of dollars and thousands of people on a single decision she made. When she went home she felt as though she were a Casper Milquetoast. Jane got very angry with herself. She felt that maybe she should not have played out the charade of a happy wife. The board of directors expected people of her position and responsibility to take care of their private lives and keep them in order. Jane feared the company was now viewing her as a problem. She feared being relieved from her position for not staying within company principles. "I'm being paranoid." Jane thought to herself. "I've kept my private life very private. There is nothing to fear." She thought she was feeling paranoid still. Briefly, a thought of freedom, of a break from Gary passed through her mind. She knew she needed to divorce him but also feared that might raise her profile uncomfortably high. It made her smile to think of being free from Gary and then caused her to ponder that thought.

Jane was a very pretty woman although she never allowed herself to think this. At five feet ten inches she was taller than most women and a lot of men as well. She was always self-conscious of her height. Jane had a stunning figure and beautiful auburn hair and emerald green eyes. It wasn't often that she'd notice men watching her walk by on the street or how their eyes followed her as she entered a room. Most men were actually intimidated by her striking beauty combined with her high intelligence.

Suddenly Jane heard the side door of the house close. Gary was home from work. Jane quickly composed herself and rushed to the bedroom. She knew Gary would head for the living room. That gave her time to strip down to almost to almost nothing. This had aroused Gary in the past She hoped it would do that this time. Jane usually was home before Gary and always made it a point to meet him with a hug and a kiss first thing. She wondered if she had been going through the paces of the happy wife. Now she would find out. She pictured Gary in her mind. He was a very handsome man, a few inches taller than she, and always looked impeccably neat which he always was.

Now Jane wondered what she was going to do. She pondered briefly on the predictability of her marriage. They always did the same things at the same time. They always went out with the same people and to the same places. Jane was once an aficionado of string quartets. Now, however, she felt tired of them. They were to attend one that evening with their friends Ike and Jeanette Rourke. Jane did like their company.

She wished, however, they all would go somewhere else on this Friday night for a change. She did not know where or even care where. She felt herself angering. She shook it off and returned to her ritual.

It was Gary's custom to pour himself a glass of a California Port. Gary was extremely predictable, which for Jane was equal to boring. To all appearances outside the house, Gary was the perfect husband. He seldom complained about anything and was always considerate of her to a fault. Jane wondered why he never brought these actions home. For many months she had wondered what was making her so unhappy in her marriage. An answer never came. She had long ago given into a less loving marriage. It was usually a comforting enough thought for Jane. Gary always gave the appearance of being loving and warm. It was no more than a charade. Jane's frustrations would many times fulminate at some of the smallest of mistakes Gary would make.

"Jane, I'm home!" Gary called. Jane did not reply. "Jane, are you here? Honey, where are you?" Gary called out once again. Jane decided to stay quiet defiantly. She decided she was not his pet puppy dog bringing his slippers to him. She felt like railing up against him. She remained quiet though.

"I'm in the bedroom Gary," Jane finally responded. Jane was lying flat on her back looking straight up at the ceiling. Jane heard Gary grasp the doorknob and turn it. She saw the door open through the corner of her eye without having to move her head.

"Are you all right Jane?" Gary asked in a very sincere voice.

Jane got up on her elbows and looked down at herself. At some point Jane had disrobed to the point that she was wearing only panties and a bra. Jane possessed a stunning figure that she hid rather well beneath her clothing. At 39 Jane was an extremely good-looking woman. She lay back down on the bed and lamented her "advancing age." She knew she was good looking but never made much of it. Men still turned their heads when she walked by. Jane, however, never thought much of it or of herself as being attractive particularly to younger men and contrary to her own feeling of being good looking. Even though much younger men found her very attractive and told her so she knew no younger man could possibly desire a woman of 39. She also knew that young men who looked at her would see her as being used up sexually. She had pushed the sexy loving part of herself well down within her as Gary paid less and less attention to her.

Gary came into the bedroom. Jane rolled over on her side and smiled at him. He looked at her as if she were wearing a nun's habit. Jane felt herself becoming very angry with him. However, she decided her anger was an emotion that was worth showing. Recently, however, Jane had been telling Gary only part of the truth. She had not yet figured out how to tell him that she still loved him but she did not want to be with him any longer. Jane was a very loyal sort of person who found it extremely difficult to break any loyalty. So even though in her mind she saw herself somewhere else she still felt an overriding obligation to her marriage. Jane's delimma tormented her.

Gary removed his suit coat and tie. Jane idly watched him but her mind was elsewhere. It was a Friday night and she wanted to go out somewhere. She knew Gary's preference was to read The Wall Street Journal, and, "finish the week's business" as he called it. Jane found this incredibly boring. She too read the Wall Street Journal however she did this first thing in the morning at work. She always felt that by doing so she was as up to date on the current world markets and business affairs as she could be within reason. She also strongly believed that to the best of your ability when you finished work for the day you didn't bring it home with you. Of course that wasn't always possibly but she thought she did a pretty good job of it.

That evening Jane decided to tell Gary that she did not think he found her sexually arousing any more. He denied it. Then, thinking what she believed and had just said was foolish thinking, she told Gary she was sorry for being impatient with him. Again she lied and cursed herself for not being stronger at home. Gary always forgave her immediately and never brought up any incident again. Jane thought a little more about this. She chastised herself again. She thought of how Gary was horribly boring. He did everything very methodically. He lived his whole life as if it were on a schedule which it pretty much was. Gary was so predictable it truly bored Jane. Even this did not allow Jane to think about leaving Gary. She had always thought of it as an unfortunate situation and nothing more. Now she desired her freedom. Her marriage was dead. She was extremely unhappy within it and she knew it was time for her to move on with her life. Still, she could not find the courage to make the break. She cursed herself again.

"Are you all right?" Gary asked.

"Yes, I'm fine," Jane said returning to the reality of her bedroom. "Gary, I don't want to go out tonight." Those words had slipped past her lips before she had any chance of reaching out and pulling them in. What she had really meant was that she didn't want to go out with him. Gary never got angry but still she feared his response. It bothered her that she could feel this way. Still, she did.

"Well Jane, you know we promised the Rourkes we would go with them this evening."

"I know but I still do not want to go out!" Jane said quite pointedly.

"What will you do?" This particular question caught her off guard. She had expected Gary to protest her desire. She wondered why Gary had said "you" and not "we." Did he have something or someone else on his mind? It sounded like he was still going to go out which was entirely unlike him. What was up? For as much as she wanted to take him to task she again decided against it. This galled her. Why, she wondered, could she not stand up to this man as she desired.

"Maybe I'll see if Leah is doing anything interesting." Jane said this because she knew Gary did not care for Leah and thought of her as something of an immoral woman. Jane always disagreed with him and said that her being single, divorced once, and in her late 30s did not make her immoral. Secretly, however, Jane did think of Leah as a very promiscuous woman and had actually told Leah that once. Leah laughed at her and Jane apologized for being judgmental. As she thought back on it now she felt she might actually be envious of Leah. Still, she liked Leah very much. Now she wondered if she did not envy Leah her independence. Leah had always been a good friend to her and so they always kept in touch from their days in college. As the years passed their paths in life seemed to parallel one another. They lived a mere 10 minutes apart. Then their friendship began to cool when Leah finally got married and then divorced almost as quickly. Leah did not return her phone calls or declined to go do something with her almost invariably. When Gary started to show Jane less attention she began to respond positively to Leah's calls and the two became very close once again.

Jane wondered if the imperfections she had found in Gary were not showing themselves in her desire to break away for an evening of unplanned fun. The type of fun she imagined Leah had, lascivious fun. Jane always felt guilty about such thoughts and then wondered why she felt guilty. She knew she had no good reason to feel that way yet she still did.

"And the Rourkes," Gary finally continued," what do we tell them? How do we excuse our rudeness?" Gary flared. This was a side of Gary Jane had never seen. She thought for a second and felt irritated by it. Jane felt herself pushing for a fight just so she could get what she wanted. It was totally illogical, she told herself, because she liked going out with the Rourkes.

"I'll tell them that I'm exhausted from the day's work and where I have to work tomorrow I need the sleep. Yes," said Jane, "that is what I think I shall do. I'll call Leah now and see if she has plans."

"Jane, do you hear what you are saying?" Gary said obviously annoyed. "We already have plans with the Rourkes. What's wrong with you tonight?"