The Self-Transcended submissive

I read a great post today on the following 360 page the title of which was "So you want to be a slave: The realities" by miria hunter. It is a great article and I enjoyed reading it very much. It reference one of My favorite topics, Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs which was a very nice debate a long time ago for a few of us on Literotica one night.

I did a few more searches and come upon another great article entitled "Maslow and the Actualized Slave". I found it very interesting but there is a difference to Me between a Master / slave relationship and a Dominant / submissive or even a Top / bottom relationship. I started thinking about 24/7 live in D/s relationships and how Maslow might apply. I thought about submissives and wondered if a submissive in the care of her Dominant [full time, live in] would have a better chance to become self actualized (the top of the pyramid) than say her counterpart in a vanilla relationship.

Allow me to start up the pyramid and give you My thoughts and ask you to give Me yours in return. OK, here W/we all go.

The first layer are the Physical Needs (those things we need to simply stay alive and to procreate -- keep the species alive) such as breathing, food, water, bodily functions, sexual activity and physical activity. These are the most fundamental needs of a human being and if you take away any of these, nothing else matters. Think about not breathing, do you care about food, water, shelter, or whether you are Dominant of submissive? The answer is obviously, no.

When you are in a D/s relationship, as the Dominant you are responsible to ensure that the submissive has the entire first layer needs taken care of for her. That's very similar to a vanilla couple in meaningful long term relationship. The both work together to ensure that the first layer is properly taken care of and if anything endangers that then they focus on the problem and take care of it.

The second layer is the Safety Needs (these come into play when the first layer of needs is met). Once a person has food, water, air to breathe, etc. then they turn to the next fundamental set of needs: The need to be safe. In other words can I make sure that I don't loose the first layer needs I've been able to meet? And from there it grows from physical security (safe shelter, protection from the weather, violence, delinquency, aggression and external and internal aggression). Once those are met then even in the pyramid you climb small steps with layers such as security of employment, revenue sources -- which in a way support your ability to keep the food, the water, the shelter you have. Then further up in the safety needs are things like moral security, family security, health security and the like.

Let's think about a submissive who has given -- of her free will -- control over many of these fundamental needs to her Dominant. The submissive looks to her Dominant to ensure that these needs are met as well and she gives of herself to help maintain the level of security that makes her feel safe and comfortable in the person she is, and in her surroundings.

As Dominants we must be aware of these first two layers in the hirearchy of needs to ensure that Our submissive feels secure in the relationship. Keep in mind that the "family security" that of the Dominant and submissive is barely above food and water so if there is any threat to the family unit (D/s) then she cannot feel safe and thus cannot achieve her full potential because she is too worried about those needs. For more on this particular need take a look at Focus versus Diffusion post I put in here. Once the Physiological needs and the Safety needs are met, then the next layer comes into play.

The third layer is Love / Belonging needs: These are the social needs of a human being. This in its most basic form involves emotionally based relationships such as having a supportive and communicative family, friendship of others, and sexual intimacy -- far different than the simple need to procreate that is in the physiological needs layer. As humans we need to feel that we "belong" to a unit but that's not enough. We also need to feel the acceptance of the group. We need to love others, and at the same time we need to feel the love of others (whether sexually or non-sexually).

Think about Y/yourself and how you act and react when you don't feel like you belong. Think of the thoughts that go through your mind when your family group is not supportive of you. Think of the way you react when you don't have someone to love, or the feeling of being loved by someone -- or that feeling of being loved and accepted is threatened. All these reactions are based on attacks above the first two basic needs (physiological and safety).

As a Dominant, if you are out there interacting in flirtatious way with another and your submissive sees this, it is her third layer needs that are threatened and she'll react that way. At the same time, if a Dominant sees His submissive doing the same, His reaction is going to be based on this level of needs. It is His and her need to feel accepted and loved that is threatened and may begin to feel as though they don't belong. Many, many relationships fail at this level and it is only the third level.

Yet, when a submissive pleases her Dominant the feedback is usually immediate. Perhaps His reaction is nothing more than a soft smile, but to her it is as bright as a lighthouse on a dark night. The submissive feels love, acceptance and gains the ultimate sense of belonging to someone. In My opinion, this is far simpler to accomplish in a BDSM D/s relationship than it is in a vanilla relationship. Why, you ask? Well, first of all in a vanilla relationship the interdependence between man and woman, boyfriend and girlfriend, or husband and wife are not as clearly defined. In a D/s relationship we go into it much more clearly right from the start: I'll give you my submission if you let me know exactly what you want and help me provide that for you so that I can feel complete.

The establishment of the D/s relationship all the things that are considered taboo in a vanilla relationship, are fair play. I cannot imagine a vanilla wife saying to her husband, that if she did something that displeased him to let her know immediately so she had a chance to correct it. She would play the "guess what he is thinking game" and ask him to play the same. Insane, huh?!? Yet there are millions of couples out there that struggle through this layer and while I don't have the statistics, I would guess that most divorces stem from this layer than from any of the ones above.

The conversations I imagine at this level are:

<husband> "But I don't understand, I put food on the table, a roof over your head, and the kids each have a cell phone"

<wife> "you just don't understand… I'm not as important as your football games, or your work, or even your buddies… you would never talk to them the way you do me…"

And at that point the fight is on and they're off to the races and eventually if this repeats itself enough times to divorce court.

Yet in a D/s relationship I don't see that type of conversation. I see one that goes something like this; "…Sir, have i done something to displease you, because i don't seem to feel your approval of me as much as i think i should?" followed by the Dominant making sure that He shows her the approval or corrects her behavior so that she can feel His approval.

The fourth layer is Esteem Needs: This is where we as humans feel respected first by ourselves and then by others. Obviously if we don't feel like we are accepted for who we are (the previous layer) then there is no hope of having a good image of ourselves and therefore we won't respect ourselves nor will we feel the respect of others.

However, if the Dominant has been sensitive to the first three layers of needs in His submissive she will have a good image of herself. The submissive (as W/we all know is by no means a doormat) has been given the space to fully develop her self and her abilities and feels well grounded in the first three layers. Now she has good self respect and thus will be respected by those important to her; first in her family unit and then in her peer group, and then in the community as a whole.

We all live in both worlds, the vanilla world outside and in the BDSM world. Think of all the issues in the vanilla world that attack the third layer and make it so difficult to reach the fourth layer. How often do you literaly feel the respect of others. Now, think of the BDSM world and how much more often you feel the respect of others, as a Dominant or as a submissive.

As part of this layer are the needs as well. Needs such as that of increasing our knowledge (referred to as Cognitive needs). Every Dominant that I know strives to know more about the BDSM world and strives to find a way to give pleasure to His submissive for both of their satisfaction. Dominants as well as submissive are constantly talking about the lifestyle we live in and gathering knowledge both formally through reading materials and group functions and informally through chat rooms and casual conversations with others.

Additionally this layer has aesthetic needs. We all, as human beings, need to find things we consider beautiful and dramatic to look at and to participate in. What is more aesthetically pleasing than your submissive gracefully kneeling before you in a scene? What is more beautiful than seeing and feeling the results of a flogging scene on your partners rosy behind, and the smile of approval on both Y/your faces? How often, in the vanilla world do you have such a combination of needs being fulfilled at the same time (acceptance, love, respect, belonging, and safety because the Dominant has taken such good care of his submissive during the scent to ensure she's feeling the pleasure and has no fear for her safety).

Once all of these first four layers are met, can a human being begin the arduous effort to achieve the fifth layer -- self actualization?

Self-actualization (writes Maslow) is the instinctual need of humans to make the most of their abilities and to strive to be the best they can. They embrace the facts and realities of the world (including themselves) rather than denying or avoiding them. They are spontaneous in their ideas and actions. They are creative. They are interested in solving problems. They feel a closeness to other people and generally appreciate life. They have a morality that is fully internalized and independent of external authority. They have the ability to view things objectively thus minimizing if not eliminating pre-judgments.

In other words, they have been allowed to fulfill the needs in the first four layers, they don't feel a threat to any of them, and have been allowed to emerge fully as a person in their own rights.

Once you are at the top of the pyramid, there is only one need left, that of Self-transcendence. Maslow believes that we should study and cultivate peak experiences as a way of providing a route to achieve personal growth, integration, and fulfillment. Peak experiences are unifying, and ego-transcending, bringing a sense of purpose to the individual and a sense of integration. Individuals most likely to have peak experiences are self-actualized, mature, healthy, and self-fulfilled. All individuals are capable of peak experiences. Those who do not have them somehow depress or deny them.

Think of your submissive; is that not your goal for her to become self-actualized and self-transcendent? Think of your Dominant, is that not His goal for you as well? Now think of the vanilla world, and can you say the same thing about your significant other as clearly (clearly meaning can you see all the additional hurdles and impediments to reaching it) as you can say it about your Dominant of submissive?

I know this was very long, but if you've reached this point, I truly would like input from the Dominants and the submissive about this topic.

Thanks to everyone, in advance, for your thoughts and comments.