The Traject

I moved in, wrapped my arms around her and ensuring that my hardness was pressed against her ass, yet another sharp intake of air told me I was in the right path. I kissed the back of her neck and as she moved her head to look upward I moved my hands and grasped her breasts with enough strength to put pressure but not enough pressure to cause unnecessary pain. A small shriek escaped her, her legs and entire body trembled as if a chill had taken her. The thoughts of Ann and her body's reactions to the small orgasms entered my mind and threatened to take my erection. But this time it was Barbara's movements that caught me by surprise as her hand moved and grabbed the steel rod that threatened to puncture her back. The gasp of air that tore the fabric of silence escaped from my own lips. I clung to her breasts as if I was afraid that I would fall off the face of the earth, the way she held on to my cock made me think she had similar fears.

"Please," she whispered, her voice betraying her arousal. "Please, take me." Involuntarily my hand moved to her upper back, and with a gentle push I guided her to bend down as my hips followed her hand's movements. "Slow, please. It's been a while." Carefully, the head of my member parted her vaginal lips, our simultaneous moans becoming the culmination of two bodies joining as one for the first time. This moan was only surpassed by the longer and more drawn out moan that came when I was fully inside her. "I'm yours."

"Not yet," I replied, as confusion crossed her face I withdrew slowly and then plunged back into her with the anger and violence of years of dissatisfaction. Each push into her carried years of pain, each withdrawal carried all the regret and guilt that I had carried like an unwanted weight that tightened around my neck each day. All logic escaped me; I was nothing more than a man taking a woman. I reached out and grabbed onto her hair, using the extra leverage to drive myself more forcefully into her. With each stroke she moaned, she shrieked as her orgasm arrived, she thrashed about as a second one followed that first one. Yet I held her, I refused to allow her any reprieve, any escape. I needed this, I needed to pour out my anger into a wave of carnal pleasure. As I poured my seed into her, her legs gave out completely and if I hadn't been holding onto her hair and hips she would've collapsed into the mattress. I was thankful that I was holding on to her because the sensation of her vaginal walls milking every drop of semen from my testicles brought about my own blissful collapse. No sooner had the remaining drops of cum left my testicles and I released her, she fell into the mattress into a deep sleep. She was conscious enough to smile as she heard me whisper; "now you're mine."

I pulled the sheets and covered her while I moved to the kitchen in order to clean up the dinner mess and enjoy a quiet drink. Some part of me felt terrible for the way I had taken her, even though she had asked for me to do so. But a bigger part of me felt a more unusual feeling, one that I had not felt in many years: happiness. It took me about half an hour to clean up and finish my drink before I made my way to the bed, Barbara was still in the same position I had left her in. Had it not been for a soft snore that escaped her every now and again it would seem as if she was lifeless. I carefully moved next to her in the bed and immediately she moved to rest her head on my shoulder, her hand across my chest and a single leg thrown over me.

...

"Do you want to talk about it?" She was happy, anyone could see that as they looked at the smile permanently etched on her face. Although we had just spent our first night together, she was already in a mood to try to find out what kept my sleeping habits so infrequent.

"Not particularly," I replied as I refilled my coffee mug, "they're just nightmares, you know?"

"I have never been in the military, and I have never seen war or death except in movies. I've heard a lot of stories about those things, enough to give me my own nightmares but they can't possibly compare to whatever it is that you see in your sleep." She looked down at the plate of food, moving the scrambled eggs about the plate as if she was playing with her food, I could tell she wanted to ask something but she was trying to come up with a way to ask without getting an unwanted reaction from me.

"What is it?" I had long ago devoured my own breakfast, and was simply enjoying this woman's company as I sipped my coffee. "You can ask me anything, but just don't be offended or angry at my answers."

"I was sure you had ripped my shirt open last night," she started, her voice just above a whisper, "you pulled it apart and I was sure that I would need to borrow one from you this morning. But when I reached for it to survey the damage, not a single button was missing. Did I imagine that? Did you sow the buttons back during the night?"

I couldn't control my laughter, "that's what you wanted to ask me?"

"Well," she sheepishly replied, "one of many things but that one was the smaller of the questions."

"No, you did not imagine it, I did rip open your shirt, and while I am good at sowing skin together I am terrible with a sowing needle. I am used to having to pull clothing apart to treat injuries, just the way I pulled open you shirt made the buttons easily slip through the holes." Her blushing face revealed she had more to ask, "yes, I've had practice removing bras in the past, I did use just one hand. To be more accurate, I used two fingers and a quick twist of the wrist, same with the jeans."

"I see you've had a lot of practice with that," she said, a pang of what I could only think of as being jealousy in her voice.

"Why do you have your family's Coat of Arms?" She continued her questioning.

"It's an important part of who I am. You know some of my background, I was raised to believe that all a man has of value is his name and his word. If you taint your name, you taint your word, if you taint your word, you taint your family's name. Honor was very important," I stopped myself before I could say something that I would regret.

"I can see that in you," she said in complete seriousness, "you are a very honorable man."

"Is that all you wanted to know?" I chose to ignore her comment, the truth was that I felt that I had tainted my family's name long ago and that I was working to make amends.

"For now, I guess that will be enough. I'm honestly afraid to ask you anything else." She took one look at her watch, "its late, I have to go. I had a great time, we really need to do this again, and soon." Her voice changed to a more professional tone, "don't forget about your appointment with Dr. Cargill today."

"It's a good thing one of us remembers," I said, "am I going to see you this evening?"

"Not today," she replied, "I have to take care of some errands and I need some recuperation time. I haven't been this sore in a very long time; just thinking about it is making me all hot and bothered."

"Ok," I replied, there was something in what she said that bothered me but I couldn't quite put my finger on it, my subconscious caught it though and in time it would be revealed to me. I walked her to the door and placed a soft kiss in her lips, followed by a more aggressive one. "I really hope I can see you this week, though."

"Behave yourself and maybe you will."

...

"Well," Cargill said after our latest session, I avoided mentioning Barbara by name simply because I was not sure of how her position in the group sessions might be affected by our relationship, but other than that I was pretty open about the previous night's events. "I am glad you have met someone worth making you smile, but in our last session we touched on a subject that needs to be revisited."

"You're wondering if I'm going to renew my contract." I looked at the doctor curiously, "I honestly don't know."

"Well," he began, "you will not be able to put your demons to rest until you feel like it's safe for you to do so, and while you have this job it will be impossible for you to fully grasp the treatment."

"Do you think that enough work has been done that I can return to the company?"

"Do I think you are the same man that walked into my office three months ago? No, I certainly do not." Cargill removed his glasses and looked at me, "you have taken incredible strides, all the sessions both with me and with group have done a lot to help you learn coping mechanisms and techniques that will eventually help you fully heal. My recommendation will be to allow you to renew your contract and resume your normal duties. But I will strongly recommend you take the remaining time you have here and figure out if the money is worth causing more psychological damage to yourself."

"You know," I found myself talking to him more freely than I ever had, "I have a good reason to think about maybe finding a job here. Maybe this girl, you know I think there's something special there."

"I am happy for you," he began, "but I don't think it's best to put such decisions on a newly formed relationship. It's too high a strain, but if you decide to stay I am sure Barbara will be happy to hear it." For a second I thought he had figured out who the new girl in my life was, "she cares for you a lot and wants you to be better. We all do."

I had two weeks before I absolutely had to make a decision regarding my contract, the sessions both in group and with the doctor were doing a great job for me, and the sessions between Barbara and myself were phenomenal. While we couldn't get together as frequently as I would hope, our time together was well spent. I had taken Cargill's advice and kept the matter of my decision to myself and as the last days of my exile were coming to an end, Barbara began to act out of norm.

"What's on your mind?" Our bodies were still covered in a layer of sweat after another amazing session, but our breathing had returned to normal. While it was clear that Barbara was a strong woman in her field, in the bedroom she was a truly submissive person. She had given herself over to me, following every silent instruction as if it were law; we had formed an unspoken agreement after the first night we spent together. I had taken her to her limits, however we had only experienced vaginal intercourse and I was already savoring what she could do with her lips when the time came.

"Your time here is almost up," a sadness coating every word, "and once you're gone, well I don't know if you'll be back."

"You don't think I will?"

"Maybe alive, yes" she answered, "but my fear is that you won't be the same person. I think next time you go into that abyss, you'll go in deeper and deeper and not even I will be able to get you out of there."

"Then," I began, finally ready to reveal my decision, "what do you want to do? What do you want me to do?"

"Nothing," she said, looking me in the eyes she continued, "I need you to go."

"What?" There are very few things in the world that truly surprise me and catch me so completely off guard, being wrong about a situation such as this is definitely on the top tiers of that very short list.

"Listen," she continued, "there are a lot of things about you that I don't know, many of those I am afraid to know." She bit her lip for a second, again formulating her thoughts before continuing, "its been really fun being around you, getting to spend time with you. But I see the way you look at me, you want more than what I can give you." She took my face in her hands, that damn Ann trait that will always haunt me.

"What do you think I want that you can't give me?" I noticed she was creating some space between us right before she answered my question. She pushed the covers off her body and began to gather her things.

"You want a real relationship, you want marriage, some type of future, and I just can't give you that." She was putting on her clothes, "I can't marry you."

"Why not?"

"Because," she looked at me, those eyes that I had seen many times before showed an expression that was new to her. "I am already married."

"What the fuck do you mean you're married?!"

"I'm sorry," she was beginning to leave my apartment, "God, I wish I had met you years ago. I haven't lived with him in so long, but he is still my husband. Please, forgive me."

"Get your shit and get the fuck out of here," the calm voice of death took a hold of me, "now."

"I will," she opened the door to leave but stopped long enough to look at me, "you are a good guy, but the way you are living, I'll be surprised if you make it to 30. Please keep that in mind, you'll meet a great girl someday that truly deserves you."

"I told you to get the fuck out!" Thankfully she left before the tears flowed. I had just done to another man what my ex-wife had done to me; I had helped destroy a marriage. The pain and disgust manifested and I began to violently vomit into my trashcan. I had made a man into a cuckold, ignorance would not serve as an excuse, and I should've asked more questions, demanded more answers. Part of me wanted to know who the husband was so that I could show up in his house and allow him to take whatever measure of vengeance he wanted from me, it was the right thing to do. But I knew that if I saw Barbara again there would be no level of constraint that would keep me from doing terrible harm to her. I had made the decision to walk away from the job in order to stay with Barbara, to give the relationship a try. The world around me went black, I embraced the stillness of the situation.

When I came to, my mind was no less chaotic. Again, I had made a huge decision in my life based on a woman, and again it blew up in my face. I picked up the phone and dialed the one person that I needed to speak with before I would call my employer. "Dr. Cargill," I spoke as soon as the receiver was picked up, "I just wanted to let you know that I have decided to renew my contract. I will also need to cancel our sessions, I'm very thankful for all you have done for me."

"Well I am glad you made a decision, but are you sure you want to cancel the remaining appointments, you have made such progress and I am afraid that you are acting out from a position of crisis," I could hear shuffling in the background.

"I'm sorry, doctor, it sounds like I am interrupting something. I just wanted to give you the courtesy to hear from me personally that I will not be attending the sessions."

"No, its ok, don't worry," Cargill continued, "my estranged wife just showed up in my house. I guess she had a huge fight with her girlfriend and she rushed over here. I'll try to calm her down and let her call you."

"Excuse me?"

"Barbara," he continued, "my wife. I am sure she will want to speak to you before you leave. I told you , she cares very much about you and I think you should tell her personally that you are not going to be attending the group sessions."

I hung up the phone and gripped the trashcan even tighter. The last words I remember saying involved calling her every name in the dictionary and making every promise of revenge against her. My last days in town were spent hiring a moving company, closing the lease of my apartment, and signing a new contract with the company. We did speak once more after, he had tried to get me to talk to Barbara and I simply shut down telling him I needed to prepare myself for the upcoming trip. I saw Barbara and Dr. Cargill walking together on my way to the airport, he waved at me as we drove past while I simply stared.

If I had heard him speak as we drove by, I would've heard him say, "whatever it was that happened to him in the past few days just undid all the hard work he had put in over the past months. He was well on his way to walking away from the life he has been living, ready to settle down and try to truly fix himself. I'm not sure if I truly helped him, I'm afraid that he'll never be able to trust anyone. What a shame."

The only answer would have been a wail from the woman walking next to him as she collapsed onto the ground.