There and Back Again Ch. 033-034

"Sierra. Please. Don't run, not from me." He took a breath and then just blurted the rest. "I love you. I don't have any idea how to be suave, how to persuade you if you don't want to be convinced, but I love you." He gulped air, expression uncertain in the dim light. "I didn't say that before, and even if you send me away tonight, I wanted you to know."

The look on his face was intense, frightened. While part of me thrilled at the declaration, part of me shrivelled and died. I am a terrible person. I pulled my legs up in front of me, hiding my face in my knees. I couldn't look at him as he continued.

"You are the most wondrous thing in this dark world, and you have no idea. From the first time I met you...I was grateful, sure, but you were so funny, and always so positive, and you saved the only person in the world who mattered to me. I loved you right then, I think. But I thought you were spoken for. So I suppressed it, content that if I couldn't be with you, at least you were with someone worthy, someone who deserved you. And then you were suddenly with Aedan. And I was so...angry; I thought you had betrayed Duncan, and if you were going to betray him, dammit, why couldn't it have been with me?"

I looked up, shocked. He'd...been interested in me? He kept going, emboldened by my gaze.

"Every time Cailan, or Teagan, or Zevran looked at you, I wanted to punch someone, and I didn't. I took it out on you, instead. Made the only woman I've ever loved feel like a whore. I heard you crying, that night, in your tent. I did that to you. I wanted to just curl up and die...I couldn't even apologise. Leliana finally told me. That you weren't with Duncan, or Aedan, that you were so afraid of being here that you couldn't sleep; that they made you feel safe. I wanted to be that guy, and instead I was the Maker-damned fool who treated you like a prostitute.

"And still you were...nice to me. You helped us, when you didn't have to. You tried to learn to fight, tried to help out more - as if anyone could give us more help than you already had - and you're still trying to protect me, risking your own life to save mine. When you should have showed me the pointy end of your dagger long ago. I'd have let you, you know. I knew I'd deserved that, not for you to be kind to me.

"You say you might disappear, you might hurt me - but I'm not giving up on you, on us, because you 'might' hurt me, especially when you've already saved me. I know that not trying would be worse. Maybe we only have a little bit of time, or maybe we have our whole lives...any amount of time would be better than living without you because of fear."

I stared at him, wondering who this eloquent, sweet man was, and what on earth I did to make him love me. And I couldn't help but believe - the look on his face, the shy, tender smile - that he loved me. He truly did. I gazed into his hazel eyes, and this time I didn't feel like I was drowning - I felt like I was being carried.

I looked down and saw a rose in his hand. Alistair's rose. Oh no, now I'm screwed.

"Do you know what this is?"

I was breaking. I knew it. "Your latest weapon of choice?" I heard my voice saying those flip words, dialogue options I had chosen in the game, and it was so surreal, it felt like I was hearing someone else, watching someone else.

"Yes, that's right. Watch as I thrash our enemies with the mighty power of floral arrangements! Feel my thorns, darkspawn! I will overpower you with my rosy scent!"

I couldn't help it. I giggled. On the verge of hysterics, my laugh must have sounded more like a cackle, and he jumped slightly, then let out a quick gasp. He'd pricked himself on a thorn.

He opened his mouth to speak again, but I held out a hand to forestall it. I saw disappointment flash across his handsome face, until I stood, slowly, and took a step towards him. He watched me take another step, and another, and then I was directly in front of him. I reached out for his hand, feeling his strong fingers, calluses from years of sword practice rough against my own softer skin. Taking the rose from him and setting it down beside the flashlight, I lifted his injured finger to my lips and kissed away the tiny dot of blood that had welled up through the wound. Looking up at him, I stretched out my other arm, cupping his cheek, scratching at the stubble on his chin, ghosting my thumb over his full lips.

"Are you...are you sure?" I locked gazes with him, expression serious. "Because I'm not strong enough to send you away twice."

It took a moment for the words to filter through his fear and actually make sense. Instead of a look of hope, or joy, or relief, like I had expected, his eyes just darkened with desire, with possession, and whispering my name, once, almost reverently, he slid his arm around my waist, pulling me up on tiptoes for the most intense kiss of my entire twenty-four years. His lips were moist and soft, his stubble tickled my chin, and my free hand tangled in his short, sandy blond hair. Without parting his lips, without even touching me anywhere other than my hand and my waist, the kiss was nothing like the soft, sweet one from the few days before. It was needy and demanding and heady, and I shivered with the sheer expectation it conveyed.

If I hadn't known from the moment I woke up and realised I was in Ferelden, I knew it now - I was his. Always and forever, damn the consequences. It didn't come as a surprise.

I whimpered in a combination of passion and terror, and it finally broke his iron control. His hand released mine and wrapped around the back of my neck, pulling me to him again, a soft groan vibrating across our lips and I couldn't be sure whether it came from him or me. His lips parted gently, and mine rushed to accommodate him without any conscious input. He tasted of cheese (no surprise) but also cinnamon and camp smoke and home. Some part of my brain realised I'd never again call Earth - that pale shadow of an existence I lived there - home. I didn't go home when I blacked out. I was already home, in Ferelden.

Shakily we pulled back from the kiss, and I looked into his eyes again, their hazel depths warm and welcoming and full of wonder. I thought I might look the same.

"Maker, Sierra, I...that was..."

Every time he said my name in that accent it sent a shiver of arousal down my spine. "I agree."

"Is that what it's always like?"

"Kissing? Not as far as I know. It's how they describe it in those smutty books Wynne likes. I always thought they were lying."

"Was that too soon? I don't want to push you-"

"I think I'll need more testing to be sure."

His gaze darkened even more, and I shivered. "Hmm. I guess I'll have to arrange that, won't I."

"After everything, I'd be very, very disappointed if you didn't." I'd have begged, if he wanted me to. His mouth met mine again, and I was lost, a gasping, panting ball of arousal and raging desire.

"I could just do that forever." His face was dreamy, a shy smile curving his generous lips.

"I won't decline that offer. But, um...could we get comfortable first?"

Alistair looked confused, so I turned him and encouraged him to sit on the root I'd cried upon what seemed like a lifetime ago. I briefly contemplated straddling his legs to sit astride his lap, but decided against it in favour of keeping the poor Chantry boy's head from exploding. I sat sideways in his lap instead, and let him pull me into another soul-shattering kiss. When I finally pulled away, panting, I rested my forehead against his, just enjoying the proximity. His fingers explored my face, the curve of my ears, and my hair, and I closed my eyes and hummed with contentment.

When I thought about how hard I'd fought to stay away from him, I shook my head. I'm an idiot. I looked at him silently for a moment, and finally whispered. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all the wasted time. And for letting you believe, even for one moment, that I didn't care for you."

He kissed me again, and this time it was the sweet, hopeful, soft one our first should have been, had I not been too frightened to respond. It felt like it lasted for days, and I was still disappointed when it ended. He held me in his lap, and I cuddled into his shoulder comfortably.

Chapter Thirty-Four: Complications

"So...now what?"

I leaned away again to look up at his face, one eyebrow raised. "Alistair! If you suggest that we skip past the awkward part and go straight into the steamy bits, I'm going to take you up on the offer, out of spite if nothing else. You just be careful what you say next."

"I...well, the thought did cross my...hey, wait! I told you to stop stealing my lines." We giggled together. "What I actually meant was, what do we tell everyone? They all gossip, you know that."

"First smart comment and I feed them to the darkspawn." It had to be said. And I wanted to hear him say it again. Yeah, I'm fishing.

"See? This is why I love you."

My heart skipped a beat when he said it, leaving me with a queer butterfly sort of feeling that was horribly wonderful. My face turned serious. "I love you, too. I've never said those words before, to anyone. I love you, Alistair."

"We're quite the pair, then, aren't we? We have to fight for months to admit we love each other, and we can both barely say the words without our heads popping off."

I grinned. "I've been thinking it long enough, I'm sure I can get comfortable saying it. Eventually."

"How long, exactly, have you been thinking it?" Even with a shit-eating grin he was gorgeous. Damn you!

"So, totally, not telling. Ever. And you can just put those puppy-dog eyes away, because it's not going to work. No, no, no!" I closed my eyes, refusing to look, and he broke out laughing.

"So you didn't really answer the question. About what we're going to do about everyone else."

"Well, I guarantee Aedan and Zevran already know."

"They do? Damn that sneaky assassin-"

I cut him off with a kiss. "No, no. He might be out here too, but I'd bet my boots Aedan is. I'm his sister, remember?"

"Riiight. I sort of forgot about that for a moment. So...is he going to kill me?"

The subject of our discussion stepped out of the woods to stand over us, and we both jumped. "Not unless you hurt her, Alistair." Aedan made a serious intimidating face. I giggled and he scowled.

"I, uh, will try very hard not to."

"See that you do." Aedan grinned, leaned over and kissed the top of my head, and disappeared again.

"Does he know how creepy that is when he does that?"

"I heard that!" came floating back to us faintly.

"Sod off, brother dearest!"

We listened until the laugh faded into the woods, then looking at each other, made an unspoken agreement to whisper.

"I suspect Leliana knows. That song tonight was a setup if I've ever seen one."

"Yeah...about that. The flirting? Utterly faked. I was upset and sort of...whined at her, and she suggested jealousy might work. It was...stupid. And it totally failed; you didn't get jealous."

"Oh, yes I did. I wanted to rip her hair out. But...if she'd made you happy..." I trailed off. "It hurt, but you deserve it."

"And you don't?" He saw the truth written on my face when he tilted my chin up so I couldn't hide. "Oh, Sierra. You do. And I'm going to do my damnedest to prove it to you." He pulled me into a tight hug, and I realised we fit together, somehow, my head tucked into the curve where his neck met his shoulder, his arms wrapped around me. I was quite content to just sit like that for as long as he'd let me. Suddenly we were in the dark as the flashlight lost its charge.

"The song was a setup," he confirmed. "So was your conversation in your tent earlier."

"What?" That got my attention. I sat up, frowning.

"She...I didn't realise it until after, but she made sure my tent was close enough to hear what you guys talked about. I'm so sorry. I wouldn't have eavesdropped, really, it was all Leliana."

"So you...heard all that?" I was glad the flashlight had died, so he couldn't see how purple my face had become.

"...yeah."

"Oh, uh. Now that's embarrassing. I'm going to kill Leliana. You weren't supposed to hear that."

"So I gathered. I'm glad I did though, and I know why she did it. My, uh, self-esteem wasn't exactly doing well - you didn't seem to be getting jealous the way she said you would, and you worked so hard to avoid me, and...I started to think that maybe you were just trying to let me down slowly, that you just didn't want me..."

"I admitted that I loved you!"

He shrugged. "I know. I just...was so down on myself, all of a sudden, I didn't believe you, I guess. Leliana was trying to convince me, and it wasn't working, so...she arranged that little tent chat."

"I'm still going to kill her."

"Seems fair. Although...it worked. I would never have had the confidence to come out here, otherwise."

"Fine. I'll give her a hug, then I'll kill her." We both chuckled and returned to talking about our companions.

"Wynne isn't stupid, so if she doesn't know, she will in five minutes, even if we tried to hide it."

I nodded. "Agreed. And the rest aren't going to care one way or the other."

"So we just...tell everyone?"

"Nah. We just act like nothing happened, like we've been together forever, and act stupid if anyone draws attention to it."

He grinned. "Sounds like fun. But...do we have to go back yet?"

Even in the dark I could feel his puppy dog eyes on me.

"No, love. Not yet." I let myself be pulled into another kiss, moaning softly as his hands returned to my hair, kneading my scalp. His tongue touched my lip softly. I pulled back, briefly channeling Bridget Jones. "Nice men don't kiss like that!"

"Oh yes they sodding do," he growled, and pulled me back in again as I giggled.

After an eternity, certain that my lips were swollen from kissing and my hair disastrous from him running his fingers through it, I suggested we head back to camp. He sighed heavily, but agreed. I grabbed the rose - Alistair admitted he'd bribed Morrigan to preserve it after Lothering - and the flashlight, and we carefully worked our way back to camp. We had to climb over multiple roots and fallen trees - how I'd gotten through here in the dark without falling was a mystery - and Alistair held my hand, helping me over each one. I was practically dizzy at how fast I'd gone from lonely and heartbroken to in love and taken care of.

Everyone was still gathered around the campfire, and Alistair held my hand firmly as we walked up. He encouraged me to sit on the only unoccupied log, and he sank to the ground at my feet. I took my hand from his and set it on his broad shoulder; he tilted his head slightly to brush his cheek against my arm. No one said a word, and we settled and got drawn into listening to Leliana sing. Another one I'd taught her, and unsurprisingly appropriate - originally by Dusty Springfield, I always thought of the Vonda Shepard version.

I don't know what it is that makes me love you so.

I only know I never want to let you go.

'Cause you've started something,

Oh, can't you see?

That ever since we met, you've had a hold on me.

It happens to be true, I only want to be with you.

It doesn't matter where you go or what you do.

I want to spend each moment of the day with you.

Oh, look what has happened with just one kiss.

I never knew that I could be in love like this.

It's crazy but it's true, I only want to be with you.

You stopped and smiled at me,

And asked me if I'd care to dance.

I fell into your open arms,

And I didn't stand a chance.

Now listen honey,

I just want to be beside you everywhere.

As long as we're together, honey, I don't care.

'Cause you've started something,

Oh, can't you see?

That ever since we met, you've had a hold on me.

No matter what you do, I only want to be with you.

It happens to be true, I only want to be with you.

I grinned at Leliana and stuck my tongue out; she almost missed her next line. Alistair squeezed my hand, and I knew he was listening to the lyrics too.

At bedtime, he walked me to my tent - sort of hilarious, as his was only three feet away - and paused. I blushed, he blushed, and we both stood sort of awkwardly until he made a move. He lifted my chin, leaned in slowly, and kissed me oh-so-softly on the lips once, and then again. I set my hands against his chest, feeling the warmth of him, and moaned very quietly with pent-up desire.

"I love you, Sierra. Maker, it feels good to say that. I love you."

"I love you too, Alistair."

"I am a lucky man."

It took me at least an hour for the arousal and butterflies in my stomach to calm enough for me to fall asleep. I wondered if the kissing had had such a profound physical impact on Alistair, which naturally led to me thinking about him, maybe naked, aroused, and...inappropriate, Sierra! I was still fidgeting when Aedan crawled into our tent, and he grinned at me, waggling his eyebrows. Knowing Alistair's tent was close enough to hear anything that was said, I shushed him with one finger over my lips, trying to prevent him from embarrassing me any further. I shouldn't have bothered; my brother was a practical joker, and I should have known there was no chance I'd escape this without harassment. He tugged his bedroll over closer to mine, and encouraged me to snuggle up to his side when he lay down beside me.

"So. When is the wedding going to be?"

We heard a surprised 'urk' sound that tried to hide under a cough from the tent next door, and Aedan grinned broadly. I punched him in the side.

"Aedan! Not funny."

"Who says I'm being funny? You're a Cousland, Sierra. You have a reputation to uphold."

I laughed. "No one in Ferelden even knows I exist outside of this group. I'm pretty sure my reputation will be fine."

"Still! No one can besmirch the honour of my sister, without-"

"No!" I could hear more choking from the tent next door. "No besmirching. I don't want to talk about besmirching!" At this I could hear giggles from the opposite side, and I realised I hadn't done very well at self-regulating my volume. I face-palmed, and the giggle became a guffaw.

"Shut up, Leliana! You're already on my shit list!" Chuckles started breaking out all over camp, even Sten's deep rumble obvious under the cacophony. "I hate you all!"

Alistair kept quiet throughout this, and I couldn't decide whether to be annoyed or grateful that he hadn't added his blushing Chantry-raised embarrassment to the debacle.

The laughter finally died down and everyone settled in to sleep. Aedan stayed right by my side, one arm around me protectively, and I only spent a little bit of time wishing for a different arm around me before falling asleep myself. I woke early, needing to use the facilities, such as they were, and I realised I'd been so wrapped up in Alistair that I hadn't gone pee or brushed my teeth or anything at bedtime. How is it possible for one man to addle me so completely? I've never been one of those girls. So embarrassing!

I wriggled out of Aedan's grasp and snuck out of the tent with my little bag of personal supplies. Alistair was at the fire with Wynne and Leliana, slumped on a cut log. He sat up straighter when he saw me emerge, shining a brilliant smile in my direction, but before I could even return it his face fell and the smile was replaced with a wooden, neutral look. It didn't take much to see the anxiety behind his eyes. Ah. Either worried I'll have next morning regrets, or worried I'm upset about the teasing last night. Or both. I knew how to fix that.