Three Weeks on the Road Ch. 19

We'd checked in on McKenna after getting out of the shower, and found her snoring her head off on the bed, TV news turned down to a mumble. Jessie had bandaged my wounds in front of the mirror and we'd dressed quietly to avoid waking the sleeping programmer.

"I'm gonna go downstairs to the desk and get something to eat," I told my lover. "I'm famished and I want protein. And fat."

She smiled sweetly at me. "You rest. I'll go get something from the front desk."

"Take your Sig. Be careful."

I watched her tuck the holstered gun into her cargo pants waistband and drop her t-shirt over it. "Can you tell?"

"Only cuz I'm looking."

"Back soon. Love you."

I settled down on the bed, thought better of it, and retrieved that harsh alcohol from Jessie's duffel. I diluted it with water in a bathroom cup and sipped, hoping it'd take the edge off, slow my pounding pulse. More alcohol, more water, and I sat on the bed again. I could barely hear the news, but I could read the tickers. Eight car bombs this morning. Twenty dead and another forty some injured. Dozens of arrests. The governor was pleading with law enforcement and media to give The Brotherhood a fair shake, saying that the bombings and riot might be the work of their ideological opponents trying to run a false flag operation. Hard to do when a similar scale of violence had played out in Oakland and Tampa at the same time today. That was coordinated.

Fuck him.

Fuck them all.

I sighed and leaned against the headboard, sipped at the astringent alcohol. Watered down, this was not bad whiskey.

McKenna shifted, looked up at me blearily. "What time is it?"

"It's afternoon. You ok?"

"How long was I out?"

"A while." I scooted down to more of a reclining position and pulled her close. We watched the noiseless TV for a long time.

"I shot somebody," McKenna said.

"You did. Thank you."

"Like, I was looking down the sights like you showed me, and they were ignoring me, focusing on you and Jessie so I had time to pull the hammer back. And I made the decision...I chose to kill someone. I don't think I did, I think I hit him in the leg, but I chose to."

"You saved my life. Mine and Jessie's. If you didn't do that, the three of us would be dead or injured or maimed. We are alive because of you."

"I wanted to kill him," McKenna said softly.

"That's ok too. You did what you had to under stress. Emotion doesn't define you, you wouldn't have shot him getting groceries or at the bar. He chose his actions, and he earned that bullet. You respected his decision to be an asshole. You've got nothing to feel sorry about."

She thought for a long while. "How do I live with myself after today? Like, I always hated the idea of you and Jessie carrying guns after you moved in with her. I voted for a mayor specifically because he was gonna make permits harder to get. And yet I've been carrying a gun myself for the past week and today I tried to kill somebody."

"Whoa whoa whoa, the past week?"

"Yeah, after that first night when they were throwing shit at us. I snuck Jessie's revolver out of the safe cuz I wanted to be able to scare them. I kept it in my purse all week long."

I laughed, instantly regretted it. Wow did my ribs hurt. "You... You've been carrying a forty-four mag into a room with some of the richest people on earth FOR A WEEK?!"

"Yeah, I didn't feel safe."

I leaned over and kissed her hair. "I'm proud of you."

"Bet you never thought you'd say that, did ya."

"Nope."

After a long while, she looked up at me. "How many people did you kill."

I sighed. "McKenna, you don't need - "

She put a finger to my lips. "I need to know that I can get through this. That I can deal with how I'm feeling right now. That I can deal with it in two weeks when I'm sitting in my apartment with the lights on at one in the morning and I'm scared out of my mind."

I swallowed, hard. This poor woman. Thrown out of a peaceful life into the fire. "Tori and I killed sixteen, that was the final total. I think I got six or seven."

"How do you..."

"I have PTSD. You've seen that, twice. But it ain't about the killing, at least not much. It's about everything around it. I know I did good, I know I was right. I made the world a better place with every pull of the trigger. It'll get easier the further you get from it, but you've gotta make that peace. Alcohol does NOT help, by the way."

She giggled and pried the cup from my fingers, took a slug.

"I don't think you're in trouble. The city surveillance cameras were off today and there are no news stories about bratty little programmers going Dirty Harry in the streets of Denver. It was a mess out there. We're gonna keep our heads down, leave soon, and put this damn day behind us."

"What I miss?" Jessie asked as she opened the door, caring a bag of food.

It didn't take us long to check out. Our stay was extended gratis due to the violence and the inability of people to get through the traffic, and by the time the streets cleared, I 'd secured a hotel for us in Granby.

The evening drive was beautiful, winding through the mountains, crossing open plains, the sky clear and bright, even as the sun descended.

We finally checked into our hotel around eight, and Jessie changed my bandages while McKenna went to get food. We ate together at the wooden desk in the room, then curled up in bed together without even putting on pajamas. It took us a long time to fall asleep, everyone probably replaying the day's already-unreal-seeming trauma in their heads. I know I was.

I'd come close to dying today. Really fucking close. And yet, it seemed impossible. I'd already survived mass violence once, twice was just insane odds. Like surviving two plane crashes.

And my last thought hadn't been Tori.

Somehow I knew, knew to the very core of my existence, that as I had promised, my last thought would be her. I'd see her face again, conjured up by my mind in my final moments before darkness claimed me for once and all.

With Jessie slumbering on my side, that thought seemed like a vile, heinous betrayal.

But it just WAS.

On the TV, the Denver police chief was promising a full investigation in cooperation with the FBI.

The Denver mayor was urging people to come together and not jump to conclusions about the motivations of the previously peaceful protestors.